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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with me?! One night stand

32 replies

Heroicallyl0st · 03/07/2022 11:02

Hi, I’m having a mini panic because I had a random one night stand on Friday with a stranger I’d just met. This is SO not me. I’m 37 and previously had only one sexual partner who was my husband - we were together a long time and he left very suddenly in a really awful way, so I’ve been too hurt by what he did to me and I haven’t had the confidence/desire to sleep with anyone since, let alone entertain the thought of committing to another relationship. It’s like something just snapped in me and I slept with a 22yr old on Friday. I’m so out of practice at thinking about safe sex/contraception and I feel a bit sick about it now. He wore a condom but now worrying - best to get the morning after pill perhaps? And now I’m panicking about STIs - perhaps I should have asked but he could have lied anyway, should I get tested, is that a thing, should I be worried? I’m such an idiot. Please someone be kind and tell me what I should do in case there’s anything I haven’t thought of. Thank you

OP posts:
ShaneTwane · 03/07/2022 11:06

He wore a condom you are fine. Get an STI test if it puts your mind at ease but you are freaking out over a none issue.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/07/2022 11:13

He used protection. Honestly op i couldn't get worked up about it

Undecidedandtorn · 03/07/2022 11:16

There is nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults. My local NHS Trust post out do it yourself STI tests - you could do that to put your mind at ease

Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 03/07/2022 11:18

Thank you for the reassurance. Sorry to drip feed, my mind is a fog - i gave him oral without a condom, was that stupid?
Sorry if I sound stupid, I was brought up in such a strict religious environment so this probably seems like not a big deal, but it’s stuff I would have gone to hell for when I was younger and it’s just not stuff I’ve ever navigated before. It’s probably religious guilt getting the better of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 03/07/2022 11:33

Sorry ignore me - have read the NHS website re oral and ordered an STI kit just to be sure. Thanks again for replies.

OP posts:
SingingInParadise · 03/07/2022 11:47

@Heroicallyl0st just to reassure you. It’s ok!
Do the test kit you’ve ordered, this will put your mind at ease.

The only question you need to ask yourself is: did you enjoy yourself?

something2say · 03/07/2022 11:52

Hey xx was the sex good tho?? I too spent the night with a stranger last night, no sex but plenty else. Absolutely spot on, really lovely and sexy and I slept in his arms. Please tell me you enjoyed yourself too?

Dery · 03/07/2022 11:57

I’ve had a true one night stand with a stranger once in my life. We used a condom. It was terrific and exactly what I needed at the time. Sounds like it was exactly what you needed. As a PP said - hope you enjoyed it!

Divebar2021 · 03/07/2022 12:05

It’s such a shame that something so natural and potentially pleasurable has to be wrapped up in so much guilt ( one of the many reasons I have no time for organised religion)

Pinkdelight3 · 03/07/2022 12:23

It's absolutely fine. Hardly anyone gives oral with a condom surely. Do something (exercise, see friends, walk in the park) to get past the panic and give yourself some time and perspective. This is much more about your limited experience so far than about anything objectively problematic. In fact it could be reframed as rather a good step forward from the shit place your ex left you in. Breathe through this stressy bit and whatever snapped, that's no bad thing. Be kind to yourself and be open to a brighter future.

Mememene · 03/07/2022 12:28

It sounds like what you needed, don't beat yourself up. I think it is a part of the healing, finding your confidence again and having someone find you attractive. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel more relaxed, morning after pill, sti check but I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Just do it if it takes the worry off.

Pinkbonbon · 03/07/2022 12:29

Highly unlikely oral without a condom will do you much harm.

...Unless I got very lucky in my youth xD

Devon1987 · 03/07/2022 12:32

Be kind to yourself. I hope you enjoyed it, it sounds like you needed to feel wanted and attractive and hopefully this chap did just that.
Once you are ready maybe you could try a bit of light dating.

Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 03/07/2022 13:08

Divebar2021 · 03/07/2022 12:05

It’s such a shame that something so natural and potentially pleasurable has to be wrapped up in so much guilt ( one of the many reasons I have no time for organised religion)

Yes exactly… it’s caused me so many problems being brought up with such shame around sex. I dropped my faith in my early 20s and had a lot of therapy to let go of the fear it instilled but it still plagues me at times.

I did have a great time thanks PPs… and it was exactly what I needed - to let my hair down and be a woman, just me, for a change!

Breathing a bit easier now, thanks everyone for your reassurance. I feel a lot better about having another go - probably with someone more my age next time. Not quite ready for dating just yet!

OP posts:
KissThaRain · 03/07/2022 13:12

I wouldn’t be spending another second feeling as you say like an idiot. You’re an adult who had sex with another adult.
m you got as far as knowing his age which is better than the one nighters I’ve had in the past. You’ve done nothing wrong

Watchkeys · 03/07/2022 13:13

This is like 'I ate a bag of crisps!! What the hell is wrong with me??!!'

The panic you are applying is your conditioning, rather than an accurate breakdown of risk v enjoyment.

People do this every night of the week, all over the world, OP. Nice, good, smart people.

You don't need to worry.

Madhatterrrrr · 03/07/2022 13:40

Nothing to feel guilty about. However as an aside, you are probably best to wait two weeks before testing for STI’s as a lot of the more common ones can be undetectable before this (although I highly doubt you have anything to worry about).

Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 03/07/2022 15:27

Madhatterrrrr · 03/07/2022 13:40

Nothing to feel guilty about. However as an aside, you are probably best to wait two weeks before testing for STI’s as a lot of the more common ones can be undetectable before this (although I highly doubt you have anything to worry about).

Thank you, good to know!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 03/07/2022 16:31

Is this a stealth boast Grin

Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 23/07/2022 12:00

FusionChefGeoff · 03/07/2022 16:31

Is this a stealth boast Grin

😂 yeah why not - let’s make it an actual boast now the guilt has faded! 😁

I nearly fainted trying to do the blood test for the STI kit - not normally squeamish with blood but felt so nauseous and had to sit down for a bit! I don’t know how they expect people to get a whole vial of blood out of fingers. So I ended up skipping that bit, but the rest of the test came back negative, phew!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heroicallyl0st · 23/07/2022 12:02

Watchkeys · 03/07/2022 13:13

This is like 'I ate a bag of crisps!! What the hell is wrong with me??!!'

The panic you are applying is your conditioning, rather than an accurate breakdown of risk v enjoyment.

People do this every night of the week, all over the world, OP. Nice, good, smart people.

You don't need to worry.

I read this at the time and felt totally criticised - but I think that’s probably my conditioning too! But you’re absolutely right - thank you.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/07/2022 12:09

You felt horny
you had a one night stand
and you used a condom

not sure what else there is to say !
I hope it was fun
and if that’s not your style out it down to Corrine r and move on

you had a one night stand , you didn’t kill anyone

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/07/2022 12:10

put it down to experience I mean !!!!

inininsomnia · 23/07/2022 12:14

Honestly, OP, good on you. I hope you can find ways to connect with your sexuality and seek the pleasure you deserve in future.

Jewel7 · 23/07/2022 14:12

I’m wondering if you have been in a controlling relationship previously or with a parent. You haven’t done anything wrong. You made a choice. I hope you enjoyed it!