Am I being naive for thinking I can go it alone?

[Minty90]

DH isn't a bad man. I do look forward to seeing him. He makes me laugh. He's pretty good with DC and is v trustworthy.

However, I just find him so annoying. And patronising. And negative. He just said to me I shouldn't do the food shop because I can't seem to do it properly. Every home improvement idea is impractical apparently. He is constantly badgering me about money and small decisions I make every day.

I just want to be a single mum so badly. I earn good money. We have childcare arrangements that work well. I do all the house and DC admin. I do so much of it all anyway but I just have this negative voice following me round saying "not like that not like that"

I really don't wanna upset my DC and go nuclear on this. But I just think feck off. I don't need someone analysing the brand of baked beans I choose. Or telling me wallpaper is a waste of money.

It's selfish to leave for this though no?

Tell him to either do it himself or shut the fuck up.

Have you discussed any of this with him in a serious fashion?

he Sounds very controlling. Is there more to this then just these little things you have listed? Who pays for what and also what is he like with the money that comes in the house

If you want to leave leave. It doesn’t matter the reasons why. You only get one shot at life, why waste it being unhappy?

Oh god it's not the same but I have a work colleague like this , has to pass comment , judgements and alternative options on every bloomin thing .

I understand the drip drip and feel your pain . Your OH appears to have some good qualities and just may not realise he grinds you down .

Whether you leave or resolve it I can understand wanting it to stop

Have you tried counseling? Might be worth doing that first before making any big decisions.

He sounds just awful.

No wonder you want to be gone.

Start quietly getting organised.

No not at all. I would

—pull the financial info for both of you

• go see a solicitor to understand how money and time with the kids would be split


• get a clear plan

the either
do some marriage counselling to see if you can improve things
or just call it

The financial impact will be considerable, so it may be worth trying to improve things, especially if he wasn’t always like that. But it may not. Don’t just sit there, it’s no way to live and your kids will be fine either way.

Oh God no - you are not being naive.

Ending it with my ex has been great! The only change is that I can't ever leave the house in the evening without pre-arrangement - and TBH, how often did I need to nip down the shops or whatever anyway!

Less washing, only one adult's admin to do (tax returns etc), I choose where we go and when, what I do in the house etc - no waiting for him to decide/contribute his opinion. And that's with me having 100% custody (outside of an afternoon 3-4 times a month). Childminders are so much more reliable than fathers it seems!

It isn't selfish to not want to spend the rest of your life married to a critical, joyless, fun-sucking dementor.

DH isn't a bad man. I do look forward to seeing him. He makes me laugh. He's pretty good with DC and is v trustworthy

He sounds like a keeper me.

It's selfish to leave for this though no?

Very selfish to tear your DC lives apart for this.

This is your one life, I don't think its selfish to not want to spend the rest of it with someone who constantly criticises you. Also he sounds like a terrible role model, no one wants to live with someone like that. Your children will better off not being around it all the time. I grew up with a critical father and its really hard to get rid of that voice in your head, that nothing is ever good enough. Its terrible for your self esteem.

Can you not try addressing the issue first?

He becomes very defensive.

@SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am That sounds so good. I really don't mind being alone and single. I want to be. All the men I've had relationships with have taken advantage of me in some way. I just want to live my life on my terms. I wish it was just me and the DC. But he won't let me have custody so feels like I'll have his voice and influence in my life for years to come

@billy1966 You know what....he is just awful. There was a time we had an argument on holiday, he was being so so horrible and I calmly put the DC in the back of the car (holiday was in UK) and said "you are an awful, horrible, nasty man and I am leaving you" and I felt so clear in my mind. Free. And now I'm here. 18 months later whinging on MN about him. I don't know why I look forward to seeing him or why I spend so long worrying about what he will think. I spent a good 5 minute staring at mince in tesco today thinking if he would be more annoyed at me for getting the expensive one or not getting mince at all (our normal one was out of stock). I'm pathetic. Totally pathetic. I work full time, so it's not like he's giving me the money as my wage goes to m account but yet there I am stressing about mince. I'm so scared of what will happen if I tell him its over.

It won't be just you and DC in reality. If he is as good with DC as you say he could easily go for 50/50 care.

You can absolutely do this on your own!

Well no he will want to see them too and from what you have said them too.. They are his DC too and shared custody will be part of splitting.

You can't write him out of their lives.

Every time he complains about a micro decision you’ve made, that job becomes his, at least for the following month. He’s complaining about the brand of beans or mince you’ve bought? He can do the shop for a month.

But yeah, you’re not unreasonable to be considering leaving him over this, and it won’t be an overreaction if you do leave him.

@GylesBrandrethNewJumper How common is 50/50? He's got a responsible job, he doesn't drink, he is hands on with them.

He's also a petty, nasty, entitled shit who thinks women are trash. But I guess courts don't care about that.

I don't think 50/50 is fair on DC and I couldn't hack it.

50/50 is the starting point in the UK, so I suspect it's quite likely - this is outside my area of knowledge though, so I don't know what the mitigating circumstances are.

I am lucky - my ex is so totally self absorbed that it doesn't occur to him to make my life difficult (or spend time with the kdis) - even when we were together he acted as though we all froze in place when he left the house, and only re-animated when he walked in the door! Still, grey rock has been a saviour for my personal mental health - being able to harness my anger rather than waste it in pointless arguments with him.

Other friends have exes that do still want to destroy them, and it's hard to see - but the ones I'm close to still think it was better than staying, because even when they hand the kids over, they know that in a couple of days they'll be back and they'll all have a break from him.

He sounds awful op.
Plan yr exit.
I left my x and he was awful too. I didn't have a job when i left so things were tough but i never regretted leaving him.

He was allegedly going for 50:50 and yet now we don't see him for dust thank god kids feel the same.

At first , I thought that counselling would be an option as you started by saying that you enjoyed seeing him and laughed with him . Which is a huge bonus , I think.
But then the other side of it came out . Sounds like you don't want to be married to him any more.
Please dont underestimate how painful a divorce would be for you all , even if you think it is what you want.

At the moment, the issues do seem salvageable though . Perhaps telling him that his behaviour and attitude makes you want to start divorce proceedings could start the conversation. I would hope that some fom of counselling or mediation would be a place to start. It would not be that hard for attention to be brought to his alienating controlling ways. If he refuses to acknowledge or change , then at least you have tried to resolve this.