Am I being naive for thinking I can go it alone?

[Minty90]

DH isn't a bad man. I do look forward to seeing him. He makes me laugh. He's pretty good with DC and is v trustworthy.

However, I just find him so annoying. And patronising. And negative. He just said to me I shouldn't do the food shop because I can't seem to do it properly. Every home improvement idea is impractical apparently. He is constantly badgering me about money and small decisions I make every day.

I just want to be a single mum so badly. I earn good money. We have childcare arrangements that work well. I do all the house and DC admin. I do so much of it all anyway but I just have this negative voice following me round saying "not like that not like that"

I really don't wanna upset my DC and go nuclear on this. But I just think feck off. I don't need someone analysing the brand of baked beans I choose. Or telling me wallpaper is a waste of money.

It's selfish to leave for this though no?

It all comes down to you not having them 50% then, can you do it ?

I don't think you are naive to think you can be a single mother since you have the financial resources but I do think it's selfish and petty to leave for these reasons when you have children and a man with so many good important qualities. The 'easy' option short term is to separate but this will cause huge upheaval and he will still be involved in your life due to children. I think you both need a way to communicate better because you've name called him, too in front of the children (I hope they didn't hear). Perhaps mediation or counselling.

More commin than you think.

He is good with the DC he could very well get it.

Whether you could hack it or not isn't part of the equation. A decision isn't made on what you can hack.

Most men don't want 50 50 as they think they're too important to do the 'women's work' of child rearing. I wouldn't worry.

He may start by saying 50/50, my ex did, but in reality it was too much hassle for him. It meant he had to take responsibility for them, I also absolutely refused to help him in anyway shape or form, once he found out he'd have to provide childcare, leave work early if they were sick, provide school uniforms, school trips etc he soon changed his mind. Plus I said it was a good idea for the dc and me, in that I could get more free time to do what I wanted, he didn't like that at all!

Op life is way too short to worry about mince ffs! Leave this man and enjoy your life. Even if it does go 50/50, this will give you time to enjoy hobbies, downtime and anything you've not had chance to do

I agreed to 50/50 with my ex, I didn't think it was fair on him or the children not to see us equally as they had lived with us both their whole lives. In reality he saw them a couple of times then stopped answering his phone. He hasn't seen them in 16 years, the younger two don't remember him and couldn't pick him out of a line up. He was a really good hands on dad too!

Going it alone was SO much easier though, even when I was looking after them 24/7 and helping to care for my sick, aging parents. You shouldn't be agonising over mince, life's too short.

”exposing” the kids to XDH was the main reason I delayed leaving him for years and years. In the end I left (I sabotaged the marriage) when they were in their teens. He did go for 50:50 and got it (I had no grounds to fight it and we were all so under his thumb at that stage none of us considered fighting it). I felt I’d betrayed them and it’s still a regret but with the benefit of 15 years’ hindsight

• he was their dad, I’d done the ‘damage’ by choosing him as their father already


• if I thought I was protecting them from him by us staying in the family unit I was kidding myself, we were all controlled by him 100% of the time. At least this way they got a break had a chance to live a different kind of life with me


• he might have been a controlling, self centred husband and a lazy, hands off, controlling father but he does actually love them and looked after them well in his own way. And they might have thought he was a bit of a twat but they love him too. He didn’t abandon them and they knew they were secure and loved by him. (And there were good sides, teens are shallow, he had loads of £)).


• for them, it was always a temporary thing - they were teens and already stepping back from dependence on both parents, the time they spent with him was not a life sentence like it was for me. And they were exposed to less of it - he might have been whiny and self centred and manipulative but they weren’t exposed to the financial or sexual control, their social lives weren’t bound up with him


• DD and XDH had a falling out pretty quickly and she came back to live with me full time but DS stayed, and actually lived in his granny annexe for a couple of years after school

They are now both independent adults and have a very minimal relationship with him.

I do wish I’d never married him. But I also realise I could have left sooner and the kids would actually have been OK in the long term. Divorcing him meant I could live with integrity, be happy and honest, and give them the chance to live the life I wanted for them, and that was really important.

is v trustworthy

Really ? So why were you second guessing yourself over buying mince in the supermarket for fear of his reaction to it being wrong ? (This, of course, is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it ?)

"you are an awful, horrible, nasty man and I am leaving you" and I felt so clear in my mind. Free. And now I'm here. 18 months later whinging on MN about him.

What was his reaction to that comment ? Let me guess, silence...........

Also, let me guess, since that remark his behaviour has got worse ?

You poor pet, you are the definition of an abused woman, so ground down you are paralysed with fear with making a shopping choice for fear of making the wrong choce, for fear of his reaction.

You need to box clever.

Woman's aid will tell you how to plan for leaving.

Start with your GP.
Tell them the truth of how bullied and abused you feel, terrified of his constant relentless bullying.
How terrified of leaving you are.

Create a paper trail.

Reach out to family and friends, tell the truth about him.

Stop the pretence that this is normal.

You can do this with planning, you just need to be clever about it.

@YesNoMaybeNot I didn't say what I could hack was relevant to how the decision is made. I just said I don't think I could hack the DC being left alone with him 50% of the time. I understand they will make a decision on what is best for the kids, I just wish the courts had a better grip on what is best for the kids. Because I don't think two small DC who don't sleep through the night are best being carted round town half the week

Just read this one along with your other one. This sounds like your being abused op. If your best friend or dd was in the situation you are now, what would you tell them to do?

Womans Aid is a good place to start. Is there a time you could call them when he’s not around.

OP, chiming in to agree with others that you can and absolutely should leave, if that’s what feels right. Your reasons are absolutely valid and life is too short to fret about displeasing him.

Best of luck if you take the plunge. You deserve to be happy.

What he is doing is trying to undermind you, diminish your confidence, make you second guess yourself & your decisions. Ditch him now before he succeeds!