Dumped before anything even began.

[Karmapolice89]

Slept with a friend 3 weeks ago. He suggested a casual relationship and kept arranging to meet up but then cancelling at the last minute.

I texted him on Friday to confirm a meeting time for Saturday. He sent a long paragraph explaining he doesn't have time for "our arrangement" and he's sorry.

We had a bit of a back and forth argument where I expressed that I felt a bit disrespected and hurt that he couldn't be bothered to make time for me and had unceremoniously called things off, after blowing hot and cold and constantly cancelling on me.

He told me that I live a 30min bus ride from him, that his work, friends and gym routine are his priorities (and by implication I was not).

I know it was only casual, but I found his argument quite callous and I feel hurt.

He knows I've been involved with men who messed me around and he was supportive when I was trying to get through those experiences.

I feel like he's just as bad as they were. Maybe worse because he'd tried to act like he was better.

Even if it's just sex, surely they should care about you? Not just make you feel disposable.

I don't know.

His argument was essentially "I'm stressed and busy so I haven't felt like having sex so I don't want to see you".

Prior to this we were supposed to be friends.

Maybe I'm naive. I just feel shit. I've lost a friend and some self worth.

How ugly and shit in bed must I be for a man to think a 30min bus ride is too far?

But why on earth would you sleep with a friend?
You must have known your friendship would never be the same after.

I guess at the time I thought it meant something more.

You've been used. It's no wonder you feel hurt. It's not you

Thanks. I told him I felt used and he reacted quite badly. Not horribly. Just very defensive and didn't empathise at all.

Also he only told me he wanted something casual after we had sex. And didn't stay the night.

Ugh I just feel sick about it all

Sorry to hear. He sounds like an arse. Chalk it up to experience and move on. You will find someone worthy of your time and love.

Thanks. I think it's a bit of a wake-up call that I need to protect my own well-being and stay away from men. All men. For a while.

I was thinking maybe 1 whole year without entertaining any of them at all.

It sounds extreme but I just replace each disappointment with another, and my heart cannot take any more.

If I'm not with someone overtly abusive or addicted to drugs or whatever other awful thing, I'm involved with someone who treats me as basically worthless but in a much more mundane fashion.

And I am tired of it. Honestly I'm a good person and I don't deserve it. And it has to stop.

I agree OP, you need to reflect on why your attracting and accepting these situations.

1. no, casual sex isn't good enough. It rarely leads to anything meaningful and usually is a situation of using the other person.

2. don't have sex until you've been on multiple fun and loving dates. Don't accept crap dates, boring dates, or give sex too soon. Make sure you feel cared about first.

3. if someone lets you down more than once, sack it off.

It's just a learning experience. You will find someone nice if you don't accept the bad ones

Oh op I feel for you I've been there. Yes it leaves you feeling monumentally shit for a long while. I'm so glad you called him out on his shitty behaviour! So many women just block without telling them what bastards they are first. I'm also taking some time out from men. I think it's a good idea.

I've decided to date myself as cringe as that sounds. It's really helping with my self esteem after it was crushed by using prices for years. I'm going out albeit on my own to museums, nice places to eat etc. I'm also starting more upskill course and am starting at my a college in sept only one evening a week the rest online but you get jist. Just work on yourself and do things you enjoy.

Using pricks*

This is on him, don't spend another moment thinking you're ugly or shit in bed.

With friends like him, who needs enemies.

As PP said, chalk it up to experience, lots of us have been there and survived, I know it hurts right now but it won't hurt forever.

If it were me, I'd be deleting and blocking, you don't need this immature, selfish man child in your life, in any capacity - not even as a 'friend'. The loss will sting for a while, throw yourself into all other aspects of your life and you'll come out the other side.

Maybe I'm naive. I just feel shit. I've lost a friend and some self worth.

Think of it that labelling someone as a friend may just be that - he's shown you exactly who he is and what his values are.

A true friend would have said "I'd rather we stayed friend" and not use you for quick no-commitment sex.

Stay clear of these situations for a while. I know the received wisdom on here is all about FWB and all that jazz but it often ends in tears and unhappiness mainly from the woman.

He isn't your friend anymore. You will need to cut contact. Men are pretty despicable sometimes.

I feel for you, I've been there. Don't take it personally, he saw an opportunity and he took it and didn't care about the aftermath.
Take some time away from men and do what makes you happy

Why did you let him keep disrespecting you with all the cancellations? If he wanted to see you it would have happened. Take back control of your life OP.

Sorry this happened to you OP. Something very similar happened to me and I still feel bad and think about it most days, 7 months later.

OP, sorry you're hurting. Totally totally get it. Happened to me a year or so back. At the time, i felt physically sick at how I'd been used. Awful fucking feeling. It took a while to get over it, about 6 months, but it does fade.

Bitter experiences like this should teach you things though and make it a bit easier to spot the pricks in the first place. Live and learn OP, xxxx

Thanks everyone. You truly make Mumsnet what it is; wise women supporting women. I'm sorry for those who've been through the same.

I guess I've lost some innocence but will hopefully gain some strength.

He told me he wanted to be friends. This is the chat.

Me: I don't think we can be friends. I don't think you've treated me like a friend the past 3 weeks.

Him: HUH?
Him: I don’t have the energy to argue over something that so causal and just because I have been emotionally exhausted with work and life and doing things that makes me myself and didn’t come and hangout with you because I have other priorities in life. If you think I haven’t, I am not gonna argue because I have much more important things to focus on rather than this.

Me: Well. That's very hurtful. Ok

Him:I have an interview for a job tomorrow, this is the last thing I need the night before. Over an fwb something that’s causal, where I told you I don’t want anything serious and now it’s like an argument cos I am too mentally exhausted from work

Him: and too tired to do anything after and you take this as an offence?

Me: I don’t want to argue. I hope your interview goes well. I really do

Was I too harsh?

We live and learn. I was sleeping with a guy for a while, he clearly didn't give a shit about me. Stopped talking to me without saying anything then I found out he gave me chlamydia too just to top it off. Forgot him op he's an arsehole. Focus on u and finding a proper partner not a using fuck boy.

All about him. Arsehole. You don't need a guy like that no matter how good looking he is, how big his manhood is or if he was good in bed. He's a selfish tool

What a dickwad. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s acted like a teenager. Immature and no empathy. Put him on the twat list.

Too harsh?!?!

He slept with you and THEN said it was casual and cherry on the cake, he treats you as disposable. He’s awful.

He is NOT your friend. Please get some therapy and get to the root of why you’re even considering your harshness.

He sounds awful!

His self obsession over his interview, I fucking hope he doesn't get it the wanker!

And then I hope he gets crabs and boobs shags him ever again!

Let me guess, he suggested you have sex and make it a casual arrangement and then Ince you had slept with him that one time, he started to dick you about?

He didn't want an ongoing casual arrangement. He just wanted to sleep with you. He was never really your friend.

Your defences were down because you thought he was your friend and presumably have known him quite a while. If he had been a stranger off OLD then you wouldn't have slept with him most likely.

Best thing to do is to use it as a learning experience. Users present in all ways, and now you know what he is really like. Don't entertain him again. When he comes grovelling back in 6 months time, tell him he is one of the most appalling creatures you have ever met, and then block him.

His text messages are appalling. I wonder if this man actually hates women and can only bear to be near them when he is getting something he wants from them, and he can't even bear that much of that.

Does he actually use words like "gonna"? What a twat.