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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped before anything even began.

50 replies

Karmapolice89 · 03/07/2022 02:20

Slept with a friend 3 weeks ago. He suggested a casual relationship and kept arranging to meet up but then cancelling at the last minute.

I texted him on Friday to confirm a meeting time for Saturday. He sent a long paragraph explaining he doesn't have time for "our arrangement" and he's sorry.

We had a bit of a back and forth argument where I expressed that I felt a bit disrespected and hurt that he couldn't be bothered to make time for me and had unceremoniously called things off, after blowing hot and cold and constantly cancelling on me.

He told me that I live a 30min bus ride from him, that his work, friends and gym routine are his priorities (and by implication I was not).

I know it was only casual, but I found his argument quite callous and I feel hurt.

He knows I've been involved with men who messed me around and he was supportive when I was trying to get through those experiences.

I feel like he's just as bad as they were. Maybe worse because he'd tried to act like he was better.

Even if it's just sex, surely they should care about you? Not just make you feel disposable.

I don't know.

His argument was essentially "I'm stressed and busy so I haven't felt like having sex so I don't want to see you".

Prior to this we were supposed to be friends.

Maybe I'm naive. I just feel shit. I've lost a friend and some self worth.

How ugly and shit in bed must I be for a man to think a 30min bus ride is too far?

OP posts:

JesusSendFloods · 04/07/2022 07:46

Karmapolice89 · 03/07/2022 18:01

He told me he wanted to be friends. This is the chat.

Me: I don't think we can be friends. I don't think you've treated me like a friend the past 3 weeks.

Him: HUH?
Him: I don’t have the energy to argue over something that so causal and just because I have been emotionally exhausted with work and life and doing things that makes me myself and didn’t come and hangout with you because I have other priorities in life. If you think I haven’t, I am not gonna argue because I have much more important things to focus on rather than this.

Me: Well. That's very hurtful. Ok

Him:I have an interview for a job tomorrow, this is the last thing I need the night before. Over an fwb something that’s causal, where I told you I don’t want anything serious and now it’s like an argument cos I am too mentally exhausted from work

Him: and too tired to do anything after and you take this as an offence?

Me: I don’t want to argue. I hope your interview goes well. I really do

Was I too harsh?

OP, so sorry you've been hurt by this absolute twat of a ballsack haver. What he says to you is beyond selfish, narcissistic and disrespectful and you think that YOU had been harsh by wishing him good luck at the interview? God, I hate female socialisation!
Anyway, whoever fails to see the difference between causal and casual should be immediately binned. Thick bellend. Block him!

hobbledyhoy · 04/07/2022 08:03

He's an epic arsehole and deserves no more of your time or thoughts. Sadly, I don't think he was much of a friend if this is how he deals with things. But this is really who he is.
This is your opportunity to tell him to fuck off and to focus on yourself. As hard as it may be, draw a line under the friendship and make a conscious decision to always put yourself first. These people are never worth your time.

Honeyroar · 04/07/2022 08:25

His replies were absolutely awful. He sounds so self centred. Poor me, no thought for you. You’re really better off without someone like that in your life.

TheOGCCL · 04/07/2022 08:31

You called him out and of course he didn’t like that. I fear he was never really a friend as this is very uncaring behaviour. He must have known sleeping with you might lead to a delicate situation but went ahead anyway. I can see why you are very hurt. Please don’t entertain him in the future.

DangerouslyBored · 04/07/2022 08:41

Ugh, OP, put this cretin in the 🗑

🌺 🍷 for you x

TomAllenWife · 04/07/2022 08:47

Men do not get emotional about sex so no he probably doesn't care

Of course he was supportive and making out he was so good - he was trying to get in your knickers - it worked

He's a selfish twat, you need to work on boundaries and your own self esteem

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 10:24

surely they should care about you

Why do you think anybody 'should' feel anything? Where do you think those rules come from, about what we 'should' do?

Men do not get emotional about sex so no he probably doesn't care

This is a revolting statement to make to someone who is looking for a man who connects emotion with sex. It's not true, it's massively rude, and it's very misleading. You're essentially telling OP she'll never get what she wants, despite the fact that many many men do get emotional about sex, and OP will be able to find exactly what she wants if she maintains her boundaries and respects herself.

TomAllenWife · 04/07/2022 10:53

It's not a revolting comment

Women get far more attached after sexual encounters than men generally speaking
A man is less likely to feel emotionally connected because he had a quick shag

That's not to say that men don't have emotional connections of course they do, but they're not linked to sex

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 11:10

That's not to say that men don't have emotional connections of course they do, but they're not linked to sex

Haha! Take no notice OP. Many men have emotionally connected sex, and find it important. The ones who don't are of no interest to you, because it's clearly something you want. There will always be lots of people who don't do things in a way that's compatible with you (or me, or any other individual), but your job is to find someone who does things just how you'd like.

This PP seems to think they know all men, and what they're all like re sex. Clearly she doesn't. As with anything else in human nature, there's a huge range of different feelings, all felt to different degrees by different people. Most of us are incompatible with most of us. Having a bit of trouble finding the right person is natural, but don't get the idea from any fools that what you want doesn't exist.

Original poster

Karmapolice89 · 06/07/2022 23:36

I'm really annoyed but I can't say anything so I'll just post here.

He asked a mutual friend to "check I'm OK". She described this as "really sweet". I do not find it sweet. I am cross.

He has my number and could apologise or speak to me if he wanted. Instead he asks her to look after me like I'm pathetic or a child.

Sorry. I was just getting over it and now I'm stung again.

OP posts:

seaUrchinOne · 06/07/2022 23:44

Ignore the mutual friend, they don't have your best interests if they are trying to find out gossip for his benefit.
He's full of self importance and over inflated ego thinking your not coping without him, what a knob! I'll expect he will try and contact you again at some point, men like him need their pathetic ego boosting. Just live your life without ever having anything to do with him again.

RockinHorseShit · 06/07/2022 23:54

Really sorry you've dealt with this. He sounds like what my DH would call a "back door man" all nice guy & so supportive to a hurt vulnerable women, but with an agenda to get his leg over & to boost his ego to prove that he can pull. You are well shot of him

Rockschooldropout · 07/07/2022 00:07

He sounds like a self involved piece of c**p

sadly he was probably never your friend and always had an agenda , once he’d slept with you there was no agenda and no reason to treat you with any respect …
hes probably hoping to keep you on the back burner in case he needs sex again . .. this is not your fault , so please don’t lose any sleep over this man . Tell him you don’t wish to head from him again and delete and block .

Runrunrungo · 07/07/2022 00:24

OP the best thing you can do is avoid your so-called friend for a few months or even indefinitely. Just view any feelings that you have for this idiot as a temporary post-sex hangover. In a few months from now you will be relieved and think "what the hell was I thinking?".

I have been on the recieving end of very similar behaviour from a male friend, and I totally get where you are coming from.

I felt very stupid afterwards because the only reason I let things get that far so quickly was because I felt that I could trust him based on the existing friendship. I also assumed that he wouldn't risk jepordising a friendship with sex unless he felt reasonably serious about it.

Both those assumptions were wrong, as was the assumption that he was ever my friend. In reality, he was just someone patiently playing the nice guy until he could find the opportunity to get into my pants at a low point in my life.

Out of sight out of mind worked wonders for me in this situation. When he did try fishing around via text a year or so later, it was very satisfying to be able to reply that I wasn't interested because I was getting married in a few months time.

Original poster

Karmapolice89 · 07/07/2022 00:35

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry you've all had such shit experiences too.

I'm moving job in a few weeks and he's on annual leave (work in same hospital) so I probably won't ever see him again.

That thought makes me very sad. But it isn't like he'll make time to see me, is it?

I told our mutual friend I'm hurt, he's made no effort to make it better and I'm going to have to pretend it never happened and delete his number. If she tells him, so be it. And I did delete the number.

OP posts:

londonlass71 · 07/07/2022 00:37

I think deep down you wanted more than just a casual relationship but you agreed.
Here's the thing - he has done you a favour. You now know you want more than he offered and you're free to find it.

Original poster

Karmapolice89 · 07/07/2022 00:44

londonlass71 · 07/07/2022 00:37

I think deep down you wanted more than just a casual relationship but you agreed.
Here's the thing - he has done you a favour. You now know you want more than he offered and you're free to find it.

I think maybe I said it to save face.

He said he can only do casual basically seconds after the sex ended and I just kind of stuffed my feelings down and agreed.

In hindsight I was already a bit wounded by this and just clinging on to the hope it might work out.

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 07/07/2022 02:52

Another massive sweeping statement coming up ....
Men are not your friends.
Rare exceptions, but usually when they say they are, they are just trying to get in your knickers.
To be honest, I read his comments and I've said and thought things like that many times with men. But I never pretended to be their friend first, which is the difference.
I don't have a problem with casual only (top tip - check before not after sex if it's important to you whether it's casual or not) and if life took over, or I wasn't that bothered, this is exactly how I would respond as well. It's nothing personal and doesn't say anything about the other person/their looks/their personality.
Just remember ... men are not your friends, especially if they are trying to sleep with you!

dramakween · 07/07/2022 03:17

Block and delete!

His replies are completely self absorbed, you deserve way better.

supercali77 · 07/07/2022 06:55

He said he only does casual right after you have sex? Ugh, shudder. Might have been nice if he told you that beforehand eh? Then he makes and cancels plans after. Heres the thing I noticed about blokes like this, they act all wounded and defensive when you haul them up about flakiness. The response is generally 'but I TOLD you it was casual' e.g. 'once I say the magic word casual I can waste your time with plans and you cant say a thing without seeming hysterical'. For some men Casual means they treat you without respect. And nothing is worth that price. Onwards love, he's taken himself out with the bins!

Aprilx · 07/07/2022 07:03

I am going to go against the grain here. He doesn’t have to have a relationship of any kind with you. It is nothing to do with you not being worth a bus ride though, I don’t want to date the single man who is my next door neighbour and he is very convenient, but it is irrelevant.

I understand that you feel used after sex, but then take a learning that casual sex is maybe not for you.

collieresponder88 · 07/07/2022 07:10

Watchkeys · 04/07/2022 10:24

surely they should care about you

Why do you think anybody 'should' feel anything? Where do you think those rules come from, about what we 'should' do?

Men do not get emotional about sex so no he probably doesn't care

They don't get emotional about casual sex This was casual sex

Lindy2 · 07/07/2022 07:12

He's not a nice person and he has treated you very badly.

Don't just delete his number - block him, because I think it quite likely, when he fancies some sex again, he'll call you.

Although it probably doesn't feel like it now, it's a good thing you're changing jibs and won't see him. He's not good enough for you and you deserve better.

Tractorcrisis · 07/07/2022 07:15

Draw a line under it all and move on I think? I’m not sure he’s done anything ‘wrong’. It sounds to me like your ready for a committed relationship and he isn’t. That’s this issue, and absolutely nothing about anyone being ugly or bad. I’d just maintain a polite distance now, and don’t give him any indication as to your thoughts/feelings. He doesn’t deserve to know them - and of course you’ll find someone who does.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/07/2022 07:42

I don't see that he's done anything wrong with not wanting a relationship with you. You were friends who slept together, you weren't dating leading to a relationship, so he hasn't led you on, from how you've put it on here. Casual sex is just that, casual.
Move on from this, find someone who wants a relationship and if he messages again for 'fun', ignore it. You aren't compatible.

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