Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I crazy?ex said I was "crazy"

32 replies

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 11:24

My last relationship was awful.
He brought out all my insecurities and then when I reacted said I was crazy.
Made me jealous on purpose,said he never said things he said,deleting his WhatsApp replies just showing mine ..to make me look like I was talking to myself.
Then telling me I had been "abusive " to him for months with my reactions.
Then he blocked me after I found out he did something awful-but claimed he blocked me because I sent too many questioning texts (after I found out what he did )
Yet not talking about why I reacted -because of the awful thing he did.
I just wanted a reason why he did it-yet his texts were saying "your behaving crazy " "get a hobby "
Then he said he was not blocking me on all social media -and he said he would of if he had decided too- but didn't.
Then he started messaging me on messenger totally normal a month later -after I messaged saying sorry.
Basically he made out I was crazy (he said his ex's were crazy when we met)

Anyway I'm now in a nice relationship and have been for 1 year and we live together.
I haven't behaved crazy,I don't think I am-am I ?
My boyfriend loves me and we've spoke about marriage.
I support him and take care of him-as he does me.
I would of been the same with ex but he treated me so bad.

It wasn't me was it? With ex ?
Oh and he said I was a narcissist too.
I need to learn from my behaviour
He had put up with a lot from me

OP posts:
TeaStory · 02/07/2022 11:26

He was gaslighting you by the sounds of it.

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 11:26

What if I was to blame?
And I was crazy?
What if I pushed him to do all the bad things ?
Shouldn't I of reacted when he spoke to other women ?

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 02/07/2022 11:30

DARVO. He was deflection his own nasty, crazy, abusive and narcissistic behaviour onto you. Sounds like you’ve got a good one now, so try and put your ex behind you, he doesn’t deserve to be taking up space in your thoughts any more.

ehb102 · 02/07/2022 11:45

Classic narcissistic behaviour. Your only problem was that you didn't have enough self confidence to end it at the first red flag. Now you know it wasn't you, it was him.
Maybe seek some help in learning(or relearning) healthy boundaries and behaviours.

ComfyChairPose · 02/07/2022 11:48

Why are you doubting yrslf?
Stand firm in your own interpretation of events

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 11:51

Agree with pp, it's darvo.

How about this op, if your mate said to you - my bf has done something awful (cheating/lying to me ect) and I asked him why he did it, how he could possibly do that to me? And in response, he blocked me, accused me of being needy or nuts and then, popped up again a month later as if nothing had happened. What would you say?

Something like 'well he is a fucking asshole. Block his number and never contact him again'. And that, would be the right answer.

He was messing with your head, punishing you by disappearing when you called him out in his bs. Trying to train you, to break you so that you would let him away with whatever horrible thing he had done.

You aren't crazy - because you had a normal reaction to someone doing something horrible.

But he would have called you crazy until you became it if you'd stayed. Until you broke. Until you just let him treat you like shit and said nothing. Abusers want you to doubt who you are, they want you do focused looking knwards that thry, can do whatever they like because you're no longer looking at them as if they are the problem. Because they've convinced you it's you.

After this abuse, you'd be wise to stay single for a while and spend time learning to love yourself. And reading up (throughout life) how to spot abusers like him in future so that they xannot get their claws in again.

Good on you for getting free of him though. Take some me-time and be kind to yourself.

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 11:52

His friends love him,they don't get treated the way I did tho do they ?
He honestly messed with my head so much
My relationship now is great and he tells me every day how much he appreciates me
I guess that proves it wasn't me.
I could honestly write a book about my ex and all the nasty /sly things he did.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 02/07/2022 11:52

All his exes are crazy. It's never him

ComfyChairPose · 02/07/2022 11:59

Instead of writing a book about your x, stay focused on you. What do you feel and why do you feel it.

Meredith Miller/Inner Integration has a very good video about DARVO

My mother does this, so :-( unsurprisingly i ended up with a man (x!) who does this.

Stand very firm in your interpretation of events even if all around you are up on the cross raging at you, judging you and smearing you...
And if you can do that, it will pass. Eventually.
A lot of the judgment is a deliberate dreama bait to make you defend yrslf

JustHarriet · 02/07/2022 11:59

The fact you are asking all of these questions is evidence of the psychological abuse you experienced.

If it had been a healthy relationship that hadn't been abusive would you be asking these questions? No, you wouldn't. You might have sadness and grief, but you wouldn't be asking these questions. The abuse you endured was psychological. Psychological abuse creates deep confusion, self-doubt and uncertainty. When you have thoughts about 'was it my fault? Did I cause it? Am I crazy?; you can say, 'it is understandable that I have these thoughts and feelings because I was in a psychologically abusive relationship for x years.' Know the confusion, doubt and questioning of your sanity is evidence that you were psychologically abused, see the thoughts as a result of the abuse.

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 17:29

It was the worst time of my life.
Feeling sad,worthless every day
Feeling as if I wasn't enough
Like all these women were better
He enjoyed making me feel like that tho.
Like he took pleasure from it
When we split the day after he was updating his social media with pics of one of them
Who he knew I didn't like
The time I spent feeling like crap then when he blamed me for my reactions to the way he treated me was the icing on the cake.

Everything he was doing and had done he flipped it so he was the one who had been hard done by

OP posts:
youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 18:06

Anyone else with any words of wisdom ?

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 02/07/2022 18:08

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/07/2022 11:30

DARVO. He was deflection his own nasty, crazy, abusive and narcissistic behaviour onto you. Sounds like you’ve got a good one now, so try and put your ex behind you, he doesn’t deserve to be taking up space in your thoughts any more.

This. Your current relationship proves he was deflecting gaslighting you. It was HIM

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 19:16

So it wasn't anything I did?
Is this just him?
Do you think he's done this before ?

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 02/07/2022 19:24

No of course you’re not crazy. He was a controlling moron, it’s what they say to lower your confidence and self esteem, makes them feel big.
He’s probably done it before, he’ll do it again.
Enjoy your new relationship, forget about the ex.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 19:55

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 19:16

So it wasn't anything I did?
Is this just him?
Do you think he's done this before ?

Yes it's just him. Abusers abuse.
You won't have been the first and you won't be the last. It's his personality and it will never change.

Whitehorsegirl · 02/07/2022 20:08

It's textbook narcissistic, abusive behaviour.

I had a male friend (now ex-friend...) like that. He claimed that every woman he dated was ''crazy'' and that he attracted disturbed women because he was such a kind, generous and empathic guy who really wanted to help people and was often taking advantage of.

He was quite believable as to the outside world he was a successful, polite, charming, generous and cultured man who doted on his two children by his ex-wife.

Turned out he was a raging narcissist who was gaslighting, abusing and assaulting all his successive girlfriend behind closed doors. He was always trying to convince them that they had mental health issues and were unstable as a way of controlling them. One was even self-harming because of him. I only found out the truth after several years of knowing him when I spoke to that woman. He was doing to her exactly what he did to you: pretending to not to have said things or sent messages so she started to wonder if she was losing her mind, purposely flirting with other women to get a reaction and then blame her for it...

Complete sociopath.

Believe in yourself and trust your gut instinct that this man was just toxic and focus on your current, happy relationship.

surreygirl1987 · 02/07/2022 20:41

I has an excellent like this. Calling you crazy is a form of abuse. He was gaslighting you. He'll never accept or admit it. I've been there. Don't dwell!

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 20:57

Do they know what they are doing ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 21:41

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 20:57

Do they know what they are doing ?

Well let me ask you this op, did you ever catch him smirking at you when you were upset or hurt by something he had done or said? Or when he was telling you you were crazy?

Well if so then there's your answer.

Mostly they know what they are doing.
Narcissists qre usually smirked qt other people's distress. Normal people don't do that.

Sociopaths might not smirk as much...they tend to be more the aggressive shouty sort. Focused on intimidating you instead. But yeah...they still know.

They all think theh have a right to abuse people though. Because other people are worthless to them. So they know, but at best they do care..and at worst, they take pleasure in it.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 21:42

*at best they don't care.

youknowitsnotthesame · 02/07/2022 21:49

Weirdly after i found out something awful what he did to me
He wouldn't answer the phone -so I sent him a long message basically saying all of the awful things he did
He then said he was going to the police for "slander"
He was speaking to me like I was a total stranger

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 02/07/2022 22:01

If a man says all his exes are crazy, there's one common denominator. He is likely to be the problem.

Garysparrowsthirdwife · 02/07/2022 22:03

You might have met my ex
on the surface he’s charming,a fab dad and a fun caring guy-his mum and mates adore him-on the outside he’s a top bloke
In real life,behind closed doors he’s a control freak,narc and a spiteful man with bigger tits than me and a nob the size of a panic button
every ex (wife or girlfriend) is crazy,a nutter and/or a spiteful whore
well we’ve all got him in common
he tells everyone I locked him in my house-I shut the front door
i poisoned his ex wife against him-she had his measure long before I did
I hit him-I’ve never lashed out in my life (siblings don’t count) and the truth is i stood on his toe by accident
he let me down over a really special event in my life-he’d promised to be there-he claims his car broke down-the truth is he was getting his tiny Willy wet
he used me to cheat on his (now ex) girlfriend (I knew nothing about her) and lashed out when the truth came out
he tells everyone I have a split personality and I’m a narcissist
im abusive
I only used him for money-he never paid for a thing with me
ima lazybenefit sponger-I claimed tax credits years ago-I also worked and studied while being a single parent

every single thing he claims I am-it’s really him-I’m happy with my fella of 7 years and I just know if we bump into ex he’s going to try and tell him what I am
unfortunately for him,my fella knows me inside out and knows his type so won’t get far
i don’t care who he smears me to-these people don’t know me and have zero impact on my life-let him tell his lies-I don’t care

you might need some therapy to unpick everything-it’s not you with the problem

Aksbdt · 02/07/2022 22:07

I always think when men talk about a “crazy ex” it’s a red flag as the men generally did something that made the woman react in that way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread