You know when you get dumped and everyone says "you'll get over it", well I never did!

[ShadeOfBlue]

Pathetic really, but I didn't. It absolutely broke my heart, it still feels broken now, although it has numbed with time, and I haven't been in love since. It happened 13 years ago. I now have a lovely family with someone else, and all is fine, but.......
I know it's pathetic, I don't have my ex on a pedestal, even if we were both still single I doubt we would ever work out together as we are such totally different people, and deep down, I feel I was never good enough for him. Turned out he agreed!
Anyone else?

I had this with my exhusband - he didn't feel I was good enough for him and I didn't feel good enough for him.

Over time I didn't care what he thought(lost respect for him eventually, thankfully) but what became really important was that I still didn't feel good enough.

Maybe this is where you need to do the work - the 'not feeling good enough' can come from so many things. And these feelings have prevented you from loving and giving love again in return.

I still work on this, it can be a bit of a battle to stop being hard on yourself and calling yourself worthless/useless.

Lots of sympathy, usual advice with this stuff, do activities that make you feel good about yourself, have people around you that think well of you, maybe some therapy if you think it would help and be very kind to yourself (you are the one that has to love you the most)

and you're not pathetic. Cut the negative language directed towards yourself (there are enough tossers in the world who can be horrible to you without you joining them)

It really was true love. I adored him, and he adored me. We were together for six years, but unfortunately met when were were only 16, I wish it could have been 10 years later, we were too young to commit. We went to different universities a long way from eachother, and stayed together, although we both 'saw' different people for periods. I guess we felt we'd be missing out otherwise, we were so young. Then I ended up at a college near to the city he lived in, and he suggested we moved in together. I wasn't too keen because it was a bit too far for me to travel and would have meant was missing out on a social life at my college. Then he left me for someone he was 'friends' with, but begged me to have him back 3 months later, but I think I was too hurt and numb, and I said no. He is now married to the person he left me for.
Don't mind if no one is listening. Just felt like 'talking' about it.
I loved him so much and it really hurts sometimes.

Thanks Laurie. Worth thinking about the therapy, but tbh, I just think he was the love of my life, and that's the bottom line. I'm just one of those sad cases that gets damaged by love.

surely anyone who thinks you're not good enough for him can never be good enough for you ?

You deserve more, do you see how much you're beating yourself up for 'mistakes' you (?) made so long ago, the not letting him move in. You're essentially beating yourself up for not making the 'right' choice so young - give yourself a break.

Also consider that this rosy tinted feels very 'stuck' in the past. I don't blame you for wanting to hold onto the past (in your head) - it seems like from what you're saying that you don't trust yourself to make good decisions anymore (cos the one you made by not being with him was so 'bad')

So you then end up stuck with no decisions. no love, no movement. And then also comparing every love affair to the one that got away.

Everyone gets damaged by love, that's the price we pay for letting someone in, the price we pay for intimacy.

Remember Miss Havisham?

Glad your getting it 'out' on the internet It is nice to talk about stuff here.

Yes. He was my first boyfriend so really it shouldn't count as I was so young, but he dumped me after telling everyone he thought I looked like a dog. 20 years on I hear he became a male model (damnit) but is still single. I'm married with 1 kid and another on the way. Found ex on Facebook the other day and he's grown old rather badly, which is a huge relief, but I had a vivid dream about him the other night which left me feeling very "grass is greener". C'mon, it was 20 years ago, so why can't I get him out of my head?

my ex only left me in november of last year after being together for 7 years, we have one child and one on the way (he cheated, i wanted him to stay he didn`t want to)

Anyway i KNOW he is the love of my life, and i don`t think i will ever love any other man like i loved him, he was my first love!

I know i haven`t got anybody to compare xp with but i really do miss him so much

So sorry your feeling this way, but i know i will be like you in 13 years, i will always have xp in my life and to be honest i think that will make things so much harder for me

OK there its out i love him and miss him but he has treated me so badly and i know i could never have him back as he could do it again.

I have had alot of support off here

I think he thinks the "grass is greener" only time will tell...

Shadeofblue - I posted recently about someone I fell for over 10 years ago (probably was about 13 years actually). But we were both involved with someone else so never could be together. Never ever got him out of my mind even though I've married since and hadn't seen him in all those years. Recently met up with him again purely by chance...but now I'm married with DC's.

Saw him a couple of times just for a catch up and chats but feel like my heart is breaking all over again

Well my story is (and have name changed for this) that about 16 years ago I went out with a guy for about six months. It ended due to six of one and half a dozen of another. There was alot of foolish pride iinvolved on both sides but I was convinced then he was the one for me. Took ages to get over him (perhaps I never did).

When I first saw him I felt that thunderbolt (sounds so damn cheesy I know). And I am not really that sort honest!

Anyway I met and married someone else and towards the end of that marriage in 2002 I contacted ex to see how he was. I am now divorced with two youngish DCs.

We exchanged a few emails and then nothing until this year when he texted me out of the blue. One thing led to another and we had a four month intense and overwhelming 'affair' which ended abruptly for external reasons can't go into details really. But suffice to say there were strong feelings on both sides.

So my heart is broken twice over but I am still convinced he is the one for me. And had to admit to myself that I am in love with him. Never been more sure of it tbh!

I know that this all sounds sooo pathetic and its so unlike me. I don't think I am at all really these are my true feelings.

Hope this helps. There are no happy endings yet but I live in hope.

I wish I could offer you a crumb of comfort but I can't.

I never really did, either.

But that's life.

He never thinks of me, so I'm not going to waste what's left of my life expending more than a wistful moment of energy on him.

Should add that since the abrupt ending last year I have cried at least once per day (including sometimes having to shut my office door) this is unheard of!!

Even when my marriage was going down the pan I only cried once at work!!

And entertaining unrealistic fantasies that he is going to turn up on my doorstep and want to be with me.

On a different but unrelated note my great uncle who died fairly recently confessed on his deathbed that the great love of his life was not his wife (I think they were married for about 50/60 years) but a woman from the village. He quoted her name but I can't remember it now)

sorry meant related note!!!

stillinlove, I hope it works out for you. I know I will never be with this man again, but I spent years fantasising that I would, and I can really imagine how you feel.
Expat, I agree with you. He also won't think of me anymore, and I don't generally let it get me down, it's just a fact of my life. I had my heart broken and it didn't heal.
KT, will look at your threads, thank you for your post
moap, how terrible. So sorry for you.

oh no, reading these stories has made me feel so sad and hopeless, my ex and i split in april and now he is having a baby with someone else. i just cant get him out of my mind.
everyone keeps telling me i will get over him but i know i never will. he treated me so well and i threw it all back in his face. i know what it feels like to pine for someone you cant have, and i just am not interested in anyone else, i never will be.

How fucking sad is that?

I really feel for everyone on this thread, I have been really in a similar situation from time to time over the last 18 years (yikes) since 6th form relationship of real intensity went wrong. Like ShadeofBlue, I felt I was not good enough for ex, for that reason was given boot, and spent my 20s and early 30s trying to "achieve" in everything I did to make up for it... I even put up a thread on this very topic a few months ago, and got some good advice, I'm getting to live with these feelings a bit more now and see them for what they are:

• I think as girls and women we are flogged some really unrealistic views of love, relationships, marriage, "love of your life" etc. there's probably a few people you could get on with out there - it is just a question of being open to people, communicating honestly and kindly, having fun... so I stopped thinking in terms of "I fucked up my one chance..." each day is a new chance to make the best of a current relationship, or enhance our lives generally through interests, friendships, our children...

• I've been trying to separate feeling crap about myself/lacking in confidence from this particular episode - counselling might help with this

• have more fun - with your current partner if you have one, if not with your children and friends. real fun, and really nice stuff - good food, things you like doing. the reason for this is to just have days with good stuff in them. the one thing that actually I coped with rather well even though I was young and daft when the disaster breakup happened was - well, I don't think I will find happiness in love after this, I might as well make my life as interesting as possible and enjoy my days. It has kept me open to new ideas and friendships, and ultimately, a really wonderful relationship, a work in progress, but great companionship and sex with DH.

anyway, this is how I'm trying to integrate this thing - regret, sadness, hurt, crushing lack of confidence - into my life so it doesn't spoil it, and I must say with the help of MN and a few close friends, it is really improving. we all have sad memories and things we wish had gone differently - that is part of life.

good luck all of you

There's no 'love of your life'. Ther are just some people who you can love for a while and sometimes they love you back, but when it stops, from one side or another, there's always another one/hundred or so who are just as nice, funny, smart, decent, loving etc. But what every life needs is something to love other than a romantic partner: work, DC, friends, art, nature, a Cause. WOmen in particular suffer from the myth that Prince Charmless is all that matters, and it's a crock. Your XP farts in bed and throws his dinner at the dog and is now going bald and making stupid insulting jokes just like everyone else - and he would still have grown old and farty and grumpy even if you'd stayed together.

You are so right (in some respects) Madamez. I know that XP is not perfect. I expect he farts in bed, puts the washing up in the wrong place, can't work the washing machine etc etc. but I loved him. I really did. He's going bald too, and the same, it was ok because it was him. It's life. It's love.
However, you are also right when you say that it is necessary and possible to fill the gap with other things.
I don't think that every woman needs a man so she can feel ok, but love does exist and if it breaks you, then my goodness, it breaks you good and proper.

SHadeofBlue, you may well think I'm very harsh, but myths can only break you if you let them. You can choose not to give a toss about this/him any more. OK so this is late night MNing which is a good chanceto speculate out loud (sort of) and wonder about stuff, but really, you can make your life complete and good and happy without one individual who has moved along a different track to you.

It is, my life is good and happy, the question of whether you can live a complete life without being 'in love' is a philosophical question I ponder regularly, and am yet to reach conclusion on, but pending that, I would say complete too. I am so in love with my dc it is untrue. I do not dwell on what hurt me years ago (well, not normally anyway!). I know, you're right, I just think that I had my heart broken. I didn't recover. Like I may not be able to run far if I'd lost a lung. Shades of grey.
Didn't think you were harsh

I never believed my heart would be broken then it was. 12 years ago. For months after the ex and I dilly-dallied. We both had strange ailments; my right shoulder suddenly didn't work for three weeks - neither did his. The pain of breaking up was incredible. He then married (who he left me for) so I got on with it.

Madamez is quite right. I'm very happy now. I resolved to make my life rich and good, and it is. I have good friends and have worked hard at my career. I have Dp and my beautiful son. I understand why I am here and not where I would have been had my other relationship somehow worked out.

You decide. I know how hard it feels.... xx

yes, I'm not saying its not hard. it is.

another way I look at things... put yourself in the other person's situation, ie think back to other relationships you have been in, where you initiated the break. I'm sure I'm not unusual in thinking, either he was great person but it just wasn't working out, and you still wish them well; or mistakes or genuinely bad behaviour occurred on either or both sides, which i regret, and I won't be doing them/putting up with those things again. I don't think of the other person as "doomed" or "appalling" or "worthless" - I wish them well. We are all just people, doing the best we can but making mistakes. the way I see it, maybe this kind of loss is like the death of a close friend or parent - you don't get over it, you just digest it as much as you can and fit it in to your life as best you can, without it making you spoil your life now through brooding, rather than getting on with it. as long as you are getting on with your own life, feel sad, try not to let it spoil things.

I've found this thread and the previous one really helpful for me in looking at the problem in the round. and a philosophical problem it is too ShadeofBlue. but ambitions of complete happiness maybe are unrealistic - esp when that happiness is entirely dependent on others choosing to be in a close relationship...

time up, a three year old is whinging! I'll give him a massive hug

Madamez I do agree with what you say and to all intents and purposes I do have a very full life with work, dcs and some very good friends.

And I do agree that there can be more than one person for you in life.

And I also agree that women (and men to an extent) are fed a load of romantic crap and that we choose our thoughts and how much we think about these people.

Yet notwithstanding that some people are going to affect you more than others especially if you feel a chemistry with them.

I couldn't give a toss really about most of my ex bfs and also my recent exH but for some reason I have allowed this guy to affect me more than any of the others.

I am not putting him on a pedestal either.

I am trying internet dating - I had actually put myself on a couple before we met up again last year. And have now put myself on there again. But I find the calibre of people who appear interested in me (might be my age)so far is not good and I don't think I am that hard to please.

That's complicated further by the fact that I have limited time to 'date' with two young DCs, a ft job and an exH who doesn't see kids enough.

SOrry feeling very sorry for myself today.

thanks for this.

Today i have been realising how much i DO suddenly have; several new caring friends that i didnt have this time last year, a career plan and something to look forward to, a new part time job that i LOVE and am good at, and of course my 2 beautiful dc who adore me, and our lovely house.
Who needs a bloke??

thanks for this.

Today i have been realising how much i DO suddenly have; several new caring friends that i didnt have this time last year, a career plan and something to look forward to, a new part time job that i LOVE and am good at, and of course my 2 beautiful dc who adore me, and our lovely house.
Who needs a bloke??

oops