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Original poster

Was I mean to go along with it?

44 replies

Firekitten · 02/07/2022 08:53

Sorry this might be a stupid question, but I am quite confused by this.
I told my bf that I was uncomfortable with a sexual thing we are doing, and that I had always been uncomfortable about it but not sure if it would upset him. So I finally decided to tell him and he threw back at me that I hadn’t minded it in the past, and that I had always gone along with it. I am ashamed to admit that this is true, but I had just told him that I had in fact always been uncomfortable with it, so his argument made no sense to me.
I told him that he must have known that it wasn’t good for me because I was often in a bad state after, but he said he hadn’t noticed.
Now I don’t want to cause drama and what’s done is done, I just don’t want to keep doing it.
Would other people be annoyed if they were told that their partner didn’t want to do something and had never enjoyed it? I know I should have told him before and I didn’t mean to lie, but I thought it would be ok every once in a while, but I am trying work on my boundaries and it’s just something that isn’t good for me.
Thank you

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 02/07/2022 10:00

It sounds like he is going on the attack as he knows he has done wrong.

Either he did know you didn't like it but he always did it anyway,

or, he genuinely didn't know but now feels bad because he now knows that he has done something that hurt you many times. Which would obviously make someone feel awful if they had a conscience.

DatingDinosaur · 02/07/2022 10:02

“Would other people be annoyed if they were told that their partner didn’t want to do something and had never enjoyed it? ”

I’d be mortified if my partner told me they didn’t enjoy doing something we’d be doing previously but carried on with it “for me”. Truly, utterly mortified. I’d also apologise and reassure that we wouldn’t do it again. I would probably ask why my partner never said anything before, especially if I genuinely wasn’t aware at the time but it would be in a confused, puzzled sort of way, not an accusatory sort of way.

That your boyfriend is saying he didn’t notice and is getting pissed off with you for saying you don’t want to do it again is bang out of order and he’s twisting his guilt (because he did notice but carried on because he liked it) round on you to justify himself.

In your shoes, for me, the trust would be gone and I wouldn’t be able to move past that (his reaction/way of handling the conversation) so the relationship would come to an end.

OutDamnedSpot · 02/07/2022 10:03

Even if you had liked it in the past and don’t now, you still have the right to say ‘no’. Even if you still enjoy it, but just don’t want to, you have the right to say ‘no’.

If his response is defensiveness or coercion, rather than support or acceptance, it is telling you a lot about him.

ChangedForThisCause · 02/07/2022 10:06

I'd be absolutely mortified that my partner felt the need to engage in something sexually for my benefit when it caused them distress.

I'd tell them that we would never engage in that act again and apologise for all the times they had been uncomfortable without me realising.

I would than ask if there was anything else they felt uncomfortable doing and make sure they knew that we can stop anytime during sex if something becomes unenjoyable.

Dump him.

Dominuse · 02/07/2022 10:07

OutDamnedSpot · 02/07/2022 10:03

Even if you had liked it in the past and don’t now, you still have the right to say ‘no’. Even if you still enjoy it, but just don’t want to, you have the right to say ‘no’.

If his response is defensiveness or coercion, rather than support or acceptance, it is telling you a lot about him.

This morning

DatingDinosaur · 02/07/2022 10:08

And in in answer to your question “was I mean for going along with it?”.
No. You wasn’t. I’ll wager a guess that you was scared he’d dump you if you didn’t.

Turn that around and dump him for being a selfish, thoughtless twat who’s just showed you how he handles things when he doesn’t get his own way.

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2022 10:09

So previously having done it you were in a bad state afterwards - he noticed didnt care and asked to do it again anyway

This realtionship if you feel unable to say that you are uncomfortable isnt one you should be in - work on your boundaries without him

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/07/2022 10:11

I might be marginally annoyed at having been misled and, depending on how critical the thing they didn’t want to do anymore was to my enjoying sex, I might reconsider whether I wanted to continue the relationship. But I’d keep that internal rather than getting angry about it in front of my partner.

You haven’t done anything wrong at all in saying that you don’t like and don’t want to do something anymore though.

FriedTomatoe · 02/07/2022 10:11

Did you ever tell him you didn't like it?

jeaux90 · 02/07/2022 10:13

You deserve a lot better than a porn soaked arsehole of a man that abuses you for his gratification.

Please dump him and work on your boundaries. You don't need to please men, you are not there for their gratification nor are you a support human.

Go hang out with your friends and family, people that actually care about you.

MintJulia · 02/07/2022 10:17

ChangedForThisCause · 02/07/2022 10:06

I'd be absolutely mortified that my partner felt the need to engage in something sexually for my benefit when it caused them distress.

I'd tell them that we would never engage in that act again and apologise for all the times they had been uncomfortable without me realising.

I would than ask if there was anything else they felt uncomfortable doing and make sure they knew that we can stop anytime during sex if something becomes unenjoyable.

Dump him.

this

Original poster
Firekitten · 02/07/2022 10:20

No I never said I liked it but I said it was ok if we do it sometimes, and for a while I thought this. But I am often in a bad state afterwards, and it can affect me for a while.
I didn’t want him to feel bad, I just don’t think I want to do it again…

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2022 10:21

How did he know you were uncomfortable? Did you tell him before just going along with it, and when you say you were in a bad state afterwards what does that mean? What would he have seen in you that would tell him you were a mess afterwards? I know sometimes I can feel like a mess internally but am very good at masking that so while it’s obvious to me I’m not ok, it wouldn’t be to someone looking on.

I think it’s really poor to go along with something you don’t want to without telling him - he’s not a mind reader and I can see him being shocked that something you’ve done together wasn’t ok with you. While his response isn’t ok, I’d give him time to get over it and try to talk calmly once you’ve both had the to reflect. His openness to that conversation will tell you all you need to know.

OutDamnedSpot · 02/07/2022 10:22

FriedTomatoe · 02/07/2022 10:11

Did you ever tell him you didn't like it?

Yes. In the conversation described in the OP. It doesn’t matter if she’d not said it before. She’s said it now.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2022 10:24

I didn’t want him to feel bad, I just don’t think I want to do it again…

Its totally fine not to want to do it again, but if he’s any kind of man he’s going to feel bad that he’s done something with you that you didn’t want, especially if you told him it was ok to do occasionally.

Original poster
Firekitten · 02/07/2022 10:28

@Jellycatspyjamas I can’t see how he wouldn’t have noticed because I sometimes got upset and also had to cry sometimes. I mean afterwards. It’s difficult to explain but I find it mentally exhausting.
I know I should have said it earlier, but I’m not sure why I didn’t.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/07/2022 10:37

You do not have to do anything you do not wish to. If you feel it was a mistake to go along with it in the past, then he must accept that you do not wish to do it again. Agreeing to it was a mistake - you have realised that - but just because you made that mistake before does not mean you have to continue doing it.

However, I would be tempted to never engage in sex of any kind with this man again. It made you cry and he did not notice? ....... no, he noticed, but chose not to admit that.

That is an act of unkindness - do not live with an unkind man.

Inthefirepit · 02/07/2022 10:39

I’m here to talk to if you want OP @Firekitten

Im in a switch marriage (we experiment in sub/Dom), ‘the drop’ after a bdsm session is a real thing, it can be really emotionally triggering and your boyfriend needs bags of empathy following a session, bdsm coercion is also a real thing when one person is into the bdsm scene and you come along from a relatively vanilla background and introduced to this world; bringing those two worlds together in a loving relationship can be a minefield, you’re eager to know more, do more, learn more, hope that you can enjoy more with said partner etc. If you find that you don’t enjoy something and express that to your partner and they gaslight you rather than assure you then they’re being coercive.

Were all allowed to try things (and more than once) and not be into it and never do it again- it’s called consensual sexual exploration. If your partner can’t relate or empathise with that then they don’t understand consent and boundaries and I would seriously take a step back and reevaluate your relationship and find what YOU want from now on.

jeaux90 · 02/07/2022 10:40

"I didn’t want him to feel bad, I just don’t think I want to do it again…"

He should feel bad. Stop putting his feelings above yours.

Just say no. Preferably dump him. He's not a good person.

Matildahoney · 02/07/2022 10:46

Inthefirepit · 02/07/2022 10:39

I’m here to talk to if you want OP @Firekitten

Im in a switch marriage (we experiment in sub/Dom), ‘the drop’ after a bdsm session is a real thing, it can be really emotionally triggering and your boyfriend needs bags of empathy following a session, bdsm coercion is also a real thing when one person is into the bdsm scene and you come along from a relatively vanilla background and introduced to this world; bringing those two worlds together in a loving relationship can be a minefield, you’re eager to know more, do more, learn more, hope that you can enjoy more with said partner etc. If you find that you don’t enjoy something and express that to your partner and they gaslight you rather than assure you then they’re being coercive.

Were all allowed to try things (and more than once) and not be into it and never do it again- it’s called consensual sexual exploration. If your partner can’t relate or empathise with that then they don’t understand consent and boundaries and I would seriously take a step back and reevaluate your relationship and find what YOU want from now on.

This is exactly where my mind went, and @Inthefirepit explained it far better than I could. But agree with everything sure said.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2022 10:51

@Jellycatspyjamas I can’t see how he wouldn’t have noticed because I sometimes got upset and also had to cry sometimes

Thats not ok, I’d expect my partner to want to know why I was crying after sex and be concerned for me - I don’t see how he could continue without actively checking I was ok and really checking I was actually ok with what happened. He knew it upset you but went there anyway - that’s appalling behaviour on his part and I suspect he’s more annoyed at being called out than anything else.

Original poster
Firekitten · 02/07/2022 11:14

@Inthefirepit thank you so much. This describes it pretty well, I didn’t quite know how to phrase it because I can sometimes be a bit dramatic

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/07/2022 11:16

Jeez what the crap is this thing he's whining and wheedling at you to do that it made you cry afterwards??

It's not OK for him to expect any kind of sexual act, whether you've done it before or not.

It's not mean to not want to do something, no matter how "normal" it is (but from what you describe it's not even something "normal").

It's OK to change your mind.

You've said you're learning to work on your boundaries - good. It sounds unfortunately like he does not respect your boundaries. Not so good. Part of working on boundaries is really thinking about who you are willing to spend time with.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2022 11:18

This person is not a good partner.

BertieBotts · 02/07/2022 11:20

And BTW I am not saying that you shouldn't do non-vanilla things. Whatever floats your boat. But anybody should be clear that if something isn't normal/standard sex, then there needs to be more conversation and openness, not less. More discussion. More making sure you're actively enjoying things and not just going along with it.

Actually screw that, that should also apply to bog standard vanilla sex too. But hopefully you get what I mean.