Was I mean to go along with it?

[Firekitten]

Sorry this might be a stupid question, but I am quite confused by this.
I told my bf that I was uncomfortable with a sexual thing we are doing, and that I had always been uncomfortable about it but not sure if it would upset him. So I finally decided to tell him and he threw back at me that I hadn’t minded it in the past, and that I had always gone along with it. I am ashamed to admit that this is true, but I had just told him that I had in fact always been uncomfortable with it, so his argument made no sense to me.
I told him that he must have known that it wasn’t good for me because I was often in a bad state after, but he said he hadn’t noticed.
Now I don’t want to cause drama and what’s done is done, I just don’t want to keep doing it.
Would other people be annoyed if they were told that their partner didn’t want to do something and had never enjoyed it? I know I should have told him before and I didn’t mean to lie, but I thought it would be ok every once in a while, but I am trying work on my boundaries and it’s just something that isn’t good for me.
Thank you

Would other people be annoyed if they were told that their partner didn’t want to do something and had never enjoyed it?

No. His reaction would make me want to reevaluate the entire relationship.

@Firekitten

People with empathy and that feel things deeply are often described as dramatic/overly-anxious/away with the fairies etc. and that’s all negative connotations and bullshit ways for people to minimise your feelings and shut you down, stop listening to the noise and them pushing that your feelings are you just being dramatic, because they’re not, they’re just your feelings and if people can’t handle how deeply you feel and how much of a considerate person you are then they don’t deserve you in their life.

Please see that your negative feelings are your bodies reactions to red flags to tell you something isn’t ok x

@Inthefirepit thank you so much for your kind words

Yeah he cannot see my point of view at all and has not taken this well.

Then you need to tell him to get lost. You are perfectly entitled to say 'no' to any sex act at any time, whether or not you've done it in the past. His only response should have been 'oh I am sorry I didn't realise it upset you so much, there's plenty we can still do'. That's it.

There isn't anything to take. Even IF he didn't notice, and from what you've said that is unlikely, then having now been told the only normal reaction is to respect your boundaries.

Anyone that really cares about you will respect your boundaries and not coerce you into doing things they know you don't want to do). Your partner doesn't sound like a good person. Him taking this badly/ getting upset isn't normal behaviour.

@lamaze1 Neither of us are normal…but I think I can compromise. But i can’t do it when he steamrolls over me so I am taking some time off. It’s a bit embarrassing

Don’t be embarrassed. You’ve told him. If he won’t take you seriously, you need to consider if you want to be with someone who doesn’t listen/take your point of view into account.

Is it your boyfriend who tells you are “too dramatic”? Is that what he says when you disagree with him or talk about feelings that are uncomfortable for him? He sounds like an entitled arse.

OP after reading this and your other thread I’m very concerned about this relationship.

How many more red flags do you need before you see this guy for what he is?

But I was trying to deal with boundaries rather than just walk away

This is worrying in so many ways.

• You did something you didn't want to do. Why? Do you think his pleasure is more important than yours, even if it causes you pain? Are you frightened of him? Does he manipulate you (ie you think he'll leave you if you don't do it)?


• You were clearly upset by doing this thing, but he ignored that. He must have noticed (and if he didn't that reflects terribly on him in itself). So he's happy to get his kicks at the expense of your wellbeing. Vile.


• You have to work yourself up to telling him you don't like doing it. You are worried about hurting his feelings, yet he doesn't care about your feelings (see above point). You both seem to prioritise him and his wants over you and yours.


• Once you tell him, he responds angrily. A decent man would be mortified that you'd been doing something under duress. He would feel bad. He might ask why you hadn't told him. He would certainly promise never to suggest it again.


• He suggests that because you didn't tell him before, you should still go along with it now. Well for 1, it's perfectly OK to change your mind about something. You can stop enjoying something or start enjoying something new. You don't have to do something forever just because you enjoyed it once. BUT in any case, you've told him you never enjoyed it, so his point makes no sense at all.

Everything you've said shows he is not a good partner. He is selfish. For him, sex is about him getting what he wants, his pleasure. If he hurts you or upsets you in doing it, he's OK with that. Vile.

I suspect he's selfish in other areas of life too.

“But I was trying to deal with boundaries rather than just walk away”

Walking away IS one way of dealing with your boundaries!

The other way is to ignore them and have horrible, upsetting sex because you’re afraid of upsetting HIM and don’t want to lose him (you’re dealing with your boundaries by ignoring them).

In an ideal world, he would have listened to you and reacted completely differently. But he didn’t.

He disrespected you and, basically, walked all over your boundaries.

How can you prevent that happening in the future?

@Comtesse No he has never told me this. It’s my parents who have always said this to me and I am now always questioning my perception. This is why I wasn’t sure if I had been wrong or mean to go along with it.

I am making some decisions at the moment but I wasn’t sure here so I thought I’d ask.

How long have you been together for?

if my partner was visibly upset after sex, I’d want to talk about it and know why. I’d be profusely apologising and never do whatever it was that caused them upset again. Not arguing over it and trying to make them feel worse.

LTB, work on your boundaries, you’re ok not to like doing something/having something done to you.

seriously leave him.

We have been together over a year.
He has good qualities too, but unfortunately quite a few bad ones too.

Only a year in?! Oh OP please don't waste any more time on someone who reacts to a 'no' about a sex act in anything other than an entirely empathetic, kind, understanding and clear way.

Sulking, emotionally blackmailing, being angry, being visibly disappointed, telling you it's unfair etc are all completely unacceptable reactions.

If I said I absolutely loved a particular sex act then after a year had told my partner I never actually liked it and in fact it was painful / uncomfortable / upsetting, he would have been genuinely so upset that I had been doing something that made me feel that way.

He would have felt guilty even though I hadn't mentioned it before (leaving aside the fact from what you've said, he chose to ignore your discomfort and upset previously). He would have said sorry, that obviously we would never do it again and would ask me to promise to tell him if I'm ever uncomfortable or upset about anything else in future.

And that isn't an extraordinarily high bar, that's the absolute minimum I would expect from a kind and loving partner.

Honestly, I promise you that your partner is not a healthy person for you to be with. Decent people don't react how he did. At all.

What @wellhelloitsme said.
He’s a terrible partner and now you’ve said he has other bad qualities.
He did things that made you cry, and now he’s trying to make you the bad guy for not wanting to do it again. What a nasty man.

Yes I am looking at ending it because this has really upset me now. I had had a feeling it would go this way. It won’t be easy but I don’t want to lose myself entirely