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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or is it her ?

52 replies

Lew12345 · 01/07/2022 20:55

Hello everyone

I want some insight into how I'm feeling and thinking

Me and my partner are expecting our first baby together in October this being her second.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for her compared to her last. Her symptoms in the first trimester was bad and right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house.

She's a very independent women which I totally respect but there's things that are happening at the moment and it's freaking me out.

So before she got pregnant we were fine enjoyed each others company always looking for things to do loved going out as a family with her little boy always interested in what we're up to etc just loving our relationship flourishing we've known each other for years and just get on so we'll.

But since she's been pregnant she's just getting more and more distant now please don't get me wrong I know she's got her hormones and general life's stress I know

Just I feel like she doesn't want me anymore it seems as if she despises me doesn't care and just makes me feel non existent right now

I'm not saying I expect all her attention I'm not I'm just wanting her to acknowledge it and communicate but I'm not getting it

I have told her how I feel and it's the same thing it's me overreacting overthinking before now it's she doesn't talk to me for days or doesn't see me for a week or two then when I try to see her she is never available for me ?

I'm scared about everything going too but I know if she text me and needed anything I'd do anything I can for her and still would just don't understand and not sure if I can believer that this is just the hormones from the pregnancy or have I lost her ?

OP posts:
Dimondsareforever · 02/07/2022 07:37

Having been pregnant twice, I would say hormones. I couldn’t stand my husband for parts of pregnancy. And he couldn’t do anything right. Just be there for her and support her in whatever way you can.

GreyCarpet · 02/07/2022 07:42

Her symptoms in the first trimester was bad and right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house.

How much of the dealing with a 4 year old and 'running a house' are you doing?
During my second pregnancy, I was really ill throughout. My (then) partner did everything because I was working full time and couldn't do any more.

And I mean everything. I drove because he couldn't but beyond that he did everything. He also worked full time.

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 07:44

right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house

She's probably pissed that she's pregnant with your child and still having to do everything like a single parent

StopGo · 02/07/2022 07:50

@Lew12345 are you even living together?

reature · 02/07/2022 08:11

She's probably pissed that she's pregnant with your child and still having to do everything like a single parent

The 4 year old isn't OP's. Where's the dad in this?

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 08:13

reature · 02/07/2022 08:11

She's probably pissed that she's pregnant with your child and still having to do everything like a single parent

The 4 year old isn't OP's. Where's the dad in this?

No but he's having a child with her so needs to take on some kind of responsibility. He doesn't necessarily need to do any childcare but he knows she's in pain and discomfort and should be picking up the slack elsewhere and proving that he'll be a good dad when baby comes.

Who knows where the dad is but that doesn't really make a different to her household or OP's relationship.

romdowa · 02/07/2022 08:18

Hormones are definitely playing a part here. I really disliked my dp during some parts of my pregnancy. She also sounds exhausted 😩 maybe you should be doing a bit more of the running around, especially the housework

reature · 02/07/2022 08:20

she doesn't talk to me for days or doesn't see me for a week or two then when I try to see her she is never available for me ?

What slack should he be picking up from an independent woman who has her own household? Presumable OP has his own household too

something2say · 02/07/2022 08:37

I say...

Hormones explain the not wanting to be around the op. Nature has got what it wanted, go away.

But also the workload. If she's resentful that could explain the rest?

I'd step up the help being given and then just wait.

I think the op sounds caring.

GreatCrash · 02/07/2022 08:39

Do you live together OP? If so, I agree with the posters saying that you need to be taking on more of the burden.

If not, whose choice is that?

NewBlueGoo · 02/07/2022 08:45

OP, you ask 'is it me or is it her?' Can you think of this as an issue that both of you are contributing to?

Think of how you are communicating with her about your feelings of being unwanted, and your worries that you might have 'lost her'.

Consider how this might sound to someone who's pregnant and exhausted and in pain, and looking after a 4-year-old and working and running her life and planning for how this is all going to look with a new baby. It might feel to her like you're joining the queue of clingy children who need things from her.

Was this pregnancy planned? It sounds from your post like you live separately. Do you plan to live together at some point? Have you talked specifically about how you're going to parent together? About the financial aspects of family life?

Are you involved in making decisions together or are you passively waiting for her to tell you how it's going to be? You say you'd drop everything to help if she texted you. Is this how it's going to work when the baby arrives? You wait for her to text before you offer help?

Don't ask her what's wrong. Spend some time thinking proactively and pragmatically about the future. Initiate conversations about the practical aspects of raising your family together. Show her you plan to step up and be an adult and not just wait for her to tall you what to do / ask for help.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:16

Lew12345 · 01/07/2022 20:55

Hello everyone

I want some insight into how I'm feeling and thinking

Me and my partner are expecting our first baby together in October this being her second.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for her compared to her last. Her symptoms in the first trimester was bad and right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house.

She's a very independent women which I totally respect but there's things that are happening at the moment and it's freaking me out.

So before she got pregnant we were fine enjoyed each others company always looking for things to do loved going out as a family with her little boy always interested in what we're up to etc just loving our relationship flourishing we've known each other for years and just get on so we'll.

But since she's been pregnant she's just getting more and more distant now please don't get me wrong I know she's got her hormones and general life's stress I know

Just I feel like she doesn't want me anymore it seems as if she despises me doesn't care and just makes me feel non existent right now

I'm not saying I expect all her attention I'm not I'm just wanting her to acknowledge it and communicate but I'm not getting it

I have told her how I feel and it's the same thing it's me overreacting overthinking before now it's she doesn't talk to me for days or doesn't see me for a week or two then when I try to see her she is never available for me ?

I'm scared about everything going too but I know if she text me and needed anything I'd do anything I can for her and still would just don't understand and not sure if I can believer that this is just the hormones from the pregnancy or have I lost her ?

I don't know how this website works so please bare with me and also people need to ask more questions than assume I've just gone into this as a lazy good for nothing

I live on my own in my own flat which I pay for

I already have supported financially and that's not an issue just pointing it out one thing

She is more independent that I am, having done things round her house before then getting blasted because I don't do it properly is an example

So my points to this

I work full time she works part time I have said and have shown her that im there when ever she needs me for anything

I work long hours go to hers and will do things from the garden to the bathroom im not the type of person to lounge around all afternoon and watch Netflix

She's literally cutting me out lately and if she is struggling when I tell her use me for what you need because at the end of the day im not the one carrying our baby im not the one who is struggling near as much as you

The dad was and is pretty much not doing anything

At the end of the day im not perfect in this and have made mistakes and could have dealt with things better but it seems and feels like that I am being cut out and I just find it hard to understand as not only am I the one who can't experience pregnancy but to have no communication from her regarding issues or worries when I'm here and continue to be in like a blank book and she can write any story she likes but as it stands she just not

I want my family to be happy and that's all four of us !

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 02/07/2022 09:23

Do you have a plan to move in together before the baby is born?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:29

GreatCrash · 02/07/2022 09:23

Do you have a plan to move in together before the baby is born?

We spoke and agreed that I wouldn't move in full straight away

I have family not far from her at my mum and dads place so we said when I work earlies I could stay there and when I work lates I'll stay with her and alternate waking up late etc where we can obviously I know it won't work all the time like that and I don't mind being woken up !

Just start slow with the moving and do what's needed at the time but again she's too independent think she struggles to let things go

She won't let me take her little boy to the arcade give her some rest she has to push herself to allow me watching him for a couple of hours

OP posts:
MMadness · 02/07/2022 09:31

So not your baby?

You're doing enough. Offer, be there but don't be treated like shit.

Dancinginthedark01 · 02/07/2022 09:33

Why are you not all living together as a family?

Dancinginthedark01 · 02/07/2022 09:34

Did you plan the baby?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:34

Dancinginthedark01 · 02/07/2022 09:33

Why are you not all living together as a family?

I have a lease on my flat till sept

She loves her own company her words not mine

I would happily move in or partially move in use to be over when ever I wanted but it's her house if she don't want me over or to see me what am I meant to do ? Force my way in

OP posts:
Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:35

Dancinginthedark01 · 02/07/2022 09:34

Did you plan the baby?

Not planned but

Before she asked what would you do if I was to get pregnant would you stick around and stay with me

I promised and I'm still here

OP posts:
Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:39

Lew12345 · 01/07/2022 20:55

Hello everyone

I want some insight into how I'm feeling and thinking

Me and my partner are expecting our first baby together in October this being her second.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for her compared to her last. Her symptoms in the first trimester was bad and right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house.

She's a very independent women which I totally respect but there's things that are happening at the moment and it's freaking me out.

So before she got pregnant we were fine enjoyed each others company always looking for things to do loved going out as a family with her little boy always interested in what we're up to etc just loving our relationship flourishing we've known each other for years and just get on so we'll.

But since she's been pregnant she's just getting more and more distant now please don't get me wrong I know she's got her hormones and general life's stress I know

Just I feel like she doesn't want me anymore it seems as if she despises me doesn't care and just makes me feel non existent right now

I'm not saying I expect all her attention I'm not I'm just wanting her to acknowledge it and communicate but I'm not getting it

I have told her how I feel and it's the same thing it's me overreacting overthinking before now it's she doesn't talk to me for days or doesn't see me for a week or two then when I try to see her she is never available for me ?

I'm scared about everything going too but I know if she text me and needed anything I'd do anything I can for her and still would just don't understand and not sure if I can believer that this is just the hormones from the pregnancy or have I lost her ?

Seriously if there is anyone that's good at like talking listening and have a open approach to this I would appreciate like if there's a more intimate way to talk because I literally don't know what to do

OP posts:
reature · 02/07/2022 09:41

It's obvious from the OP that they don't live together yet posters still assume the man isn't pulling his weight. Many don't, but many many do

CherryBreadAfro · 02/07/2022 09:43
  • When did her relationship with her previous partner (father of her child) end? How long were they together?
  • How long have you been in this relationship?
  • How old are you both?
  • Does she work?
As the general circumstances of all this will impact on my advice, tbh.
Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:46

CherryBreadAfro · 02/07/2022 09:43

  • When did her relationship with her previous partner (father of her child) end? How long were they together?
  • How long have you been in this relationship?
  • How old are you both?
  • Does she work?
As the general circumstances of all this will impact on my advice, tbh.

She's been separated from him for 2 and a half years

I use to be her friend and saw what she dealt with him

We've known each other for 3 years now together for 1 and half years officially 1

I'm 29 she's 31

She works part time

OP posts:
Dery · 02/07/2022 09:52

OP - it does sound like you’re trying very hard. You sound like a great guy. It’s a painful position for you to be in trying to do as much as you can for the woman you live who is carrying your child but who is keeping you at arms’ length.

As PP have said - some of this may be pregnancy hormones; some of it may be that she is just used to doing things alone. Right now you’re way down her list of priorities. That’s painful for you but natural. Her body has her focussed on the pregnancy. I think the best thing is for you to quietly and gently keep doing what you can for her and letting her know you’re there for her.

CherryBreadAfro · 02/07/2022 09:53

So, you were together roughly six months when she got pregnant? I think that’s probably the issue, here. It’s not been a very long relationship, you don’t know each other very well (you might think you do, but being friends and being someone’s partner are not the same) and you weren’t even at the living together stage - and now suddenly you’re having a child together.

Toss in hormones, the fact that she’s caring for a toddler and working full time, and that’s a LOT to deal with. You’re not necessarily doing anything wrong, it’s just that some of the surrounding circumstances are unfortunate.