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Original poster

Is it me or is it her ?

52 replies

Lew12345 · 01/07/2022 20:55

Hello everyone

I want some insight into how I'm feeling and thinking

Me and my partner are expecting our first baby together in October this being her second.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for her compared to her last. Her symptoms in the first trimester was bad and right now she's got a really bad back etc. while dealing with a 4 year old and working part time and running a house.

She's a very independent women which I totally respect but there's things that are happening at the moment and it's freaking me out.

So before she got pregnant we were fine enjoyed each others company always looking for things to do loved going out as a family with her little boy always interested in what we're up to etc just loving our relationship flourishing we've known each other for years and just get on so we'll.

But since she's been pregnant she's just getting more and more distant now please don't get me wrong I know she's got her hormones and general life's stress I know

Just I feel like she doesn't want me anymore it seems as if she despises me doesn't care and just makes me feel non existent right now

I'm not saying I expect all her attention I'm not I'm just wanting her to acknowledge it and communicate but I'm not getting it

I have told her how I feel and it's the same thing it's me overreacting overthinking before now it's she doesn't talk to me for days or doesn't see me for a week or two then when I try to see her she is never available for me ?

I'm scared about everything going too but I know if she text me and needed anything I'd do anything I can for her and still would just don't understand and not sure if I can believer that this is just the hormones from the pregnancy or have I lost her ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:55

Dery · 02/07/2022 09:52

OP - it does sound like you’re trying very hard. You sound like a great guy. It’s a painful position for you to be in trying to do as much as you can for the woman you live who is carrying your child but who is keeping you at arms’ length.

As PP have said - some of this may be pregnancy hormones; some of it may be that she is just used to doing things alone. Right now you’re way down her list of priorities. That’s painful for you but natural. Her body has her focussed on the pregnancy. I think the best thing is for you to quietly and gently keep doing what you can for her and letting her know you’re there for her.

To add

Today she's said she doesn't know if she loves me anymore Sad

I agree with you and I'm expecting to be the bottom of the list but to hear all of this is starting to take its toll I have gotten better bud now it's just too much to bear

I'll tell her regardless I'm still here and will do what I can I brought her a big pregnancy pillow when it comes in just gonna drop it off like I don't know what else I can do when I'm getting locked out

OP posts:
Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 09:56

CherryBreadAfro · 02/07/2022 09:53

So, you were together roughly six months when she got pregnant? I think that’s probably the issue, here. It’s not been a very long relationship, you don’t know each other very well (you might think you do, but being friends and being someone’s partner are not the same) and you weren’t even at the living together stage - and now suddenly you’re having a child together.

Toss in hormones, the fact that she’s caring for a toddler and working full time, and that’s a LOT to deal with. You’re not necessarily doing anything wrong, it’s just that some of the surrounding circumstances are unfortunate.

Sorry longer than that before she got pregnant and that's fine we learnt allot about each other from the get go

But if she communicates with me then there's always ways round things

Like I said I'm an open book when it comes to her I'm willing to lay everything down and drop it all for her baby and her little boy

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/07/2022 09:57

If you take the baby out of the equation, would you still want to be with her?

You said
Before she asked what would you do if I was to get pregnant would you stick around and stay with me. I promised and I'm still here.

I appreciate you could just be pointing out that you didn't run when she got pregnant by surprise, but it could also be read as you're staying because she's pregnant. If that is the case (and forgive me if it's not) then I think you need to do some serious thinking and talking. Especially considering the fact that your gf appears to not want to merge households despite having a child together, and is distant and critical of you. I wonder if you are both together because of the baby and would have split up by now otherwise?

You can be great parents to your child without remaining as a couple. It would be much healthier and less confusing for all of you if you're honest if the relationship has run its course. Otherwise you could end up in a semi-relationship where you don't live with your own child and your gf doesn't want you around much. Better to be happily separate parents than to confuse 2 children and make yourselves unhappy.

reature · 02/07/2022 09:59

I'm sorry Op, it feels like she's used you for a second baby

CherryBreadAfro · 02/07/2022 10:04

You’ve ‘officially’ been together for a year, so last July. She’s due in October, so got pregnant in January.

Based on the information you’ve provided, I’m not seeing how you could have been together much longer than six months before she got pregnant. And, no, however much you think you immediately learnt about each other, that’s still a negligible amount of time. You do not know each other very well and weren’t together a sufficient amount of time to build the solid foundations of a long term relationship.

This isn’t a criticism. These things happen. However, it’s certainly something to be aware of as you’re currently trying to build those foundations.

jeaux90 · 02/07/2022 10:05

Regardless of the relationship situation between you, make it clear you want to co-parent effectively.

Floundering1 · 02/07/2022 10:08

"I use to be her friend and saw what she dealt with him"
Did she go through a lot with her ex? Just a thought (which could be wrong) but if she did, had a child with them and is now pregnant in a fairly new relationship... that could be really stressful (then add some pregnancy hormones...)

NewBlueGoo · 02/07/2022 10:38

This sounds tough, OP. I can see why this is really upsetting.

What would happen if you pulled back a bit from thinking about the relationship, and just focussed on trying to communicate with her about the practicalities of co-parenting, the birth plan, etc? This might help you protect your feelings a bit in the face of her saying she might not love you anymore - which must have been very hard to hear.

She may be needing you to show you will stick with her & co-parent, and that you have thought about what this will involve on a nuts-and-bolts, practical level. Given the difficulties with the father of her son, it may be hard for her to trust words and assurances.

But she may also just be unreachable in her current emotional state, and there is not much you can do about that, sadly. It does seem you have been trying.

Tricky situation for all of you.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 11:24

NewBlueGoo · 02/07/2022 10:38

This sounds tough, OP. I can see why this is really upsetting.

What would happen if you pulled back a bit from thinking about the relationship, and just focussed on trying to communicate with her about the practicalities of co-parenting, the birth plan, etc? This might help you protect your feelings a bit in the face of her saying she might not love you anymore - which must have been very hard to hear.

She may be needing you to show you will stick with her & co-parent, and that you have thought about what this will involve on a nuts-and-bolts, practical level. Given the difficulties with the father of her son, it may be hard for her to trust words and assurances.

But she may also just be unreachable in her current emotional state, and there is not much you can do about that, sadly. It does seem you have been trying.

Tricky situation for all of you.

I have just said to her

The ball is in your court

I'm here in the background when needed and will do what I can when I can

OP posts:
ladydoris · 02/07/2022 12:09

You have a long way to build a relationship . You are still in the building phase/ Are you still building or are you at a stand still because of the baby. You still have to decide and make known that you want a committed relationship with her. I think this is why she might be non committal. How much time do you effectively spend together. What are you actively doing to help with her work load. Like bringing dinner, helping with chores while you are there. Wooing is the first phase in fine, but a committed relationship is about dealing with the obnoxious every day life. In what way is she concretely counting on you. She wants to end it to protect herself from further pain down the line. It's also hormonal. Dealing with a break up with a new born is crap. So you have to sit down and deal with both your fears and expectations. Were are you going ?

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 12:31

Oh no your updates don't sound great. Do you think there's a chance she's used you to get pregnant if she asked how you'd feel before it happened?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 13:25

ladydoris · 02/07/2022 12:09

You have a long way to build a relationship . You are still in the building phase/ Are you still building or are you at a stand still because of the baby. You still have to decide and make known that you want a committed relationship with her. I think this is why she might be non committal. How much time do you effectively spend together. What are you actively doing to help with her work load. Like bringing dinner, helping with chores while you are there. Wooing is the first phase in fine, but a committed relationship is about dealing with the obnoxious every day life. In what way is she concretely counting on you. She wants to end it to protect herself from further pain down the line. It's also hormonal. Dealing with a break up with a new born is crap. So you have to sit down and deal with both your fears and expectations. Were are you going ?

We don't spend enough time but at the same times she's always going stuff with her family

It was recently her sons birthday I wanted to take him to a huge toy store so he can pick out something

She then said can't go and proceeded to go out with her family again

She won't give me a chance I've done things when I'm there or when she wants me there I'm not their enough but again she allot of the time wants to be alone without me their

She says just do stuff if you want to do something then just do it well I can't if she don't want me there again if I push myself into the house I'd be told to listen to her

I've sat down with her twice now and she's not getting it

She said she don't know if she loves me but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me ?

This may be me being naive but what does or is this meant to tell me

I have tried and yes at times could do things differently but I'm literally on my own most of the time when I try to get things done she don't want to know or it seems like she doesn't care

OP posts:
ladydoris · 02/07/2022 14:08

You said twice that you are not there enough. Are you inadvertently raising her fear of abandonment ? She will need you more and more and even more when the baby is there. They are time suckers. You talk about intentions that actually end up nowhere, those intentions are not related to her by the way. Taking a kid to a store to buy a gift is not the way to go when they are small. He would want the whole store. You should have come up with the gift. Get him to unwrap it and marvel about it and play with him. You want to step up and you don't know how to. She is in an hormonal struggle and has to figure out herself this next step. I would say concentrate on you, get books, talk to other dads, and decide how you are going to father this baby and act upon it irrespective or your relationship with the mum. Your relationship with her cannot progress without time and thoughtful action from your part, she cannot be the one always queuing you on what to do. It is exhausting, she would basically be both partners, and you will never be happy in this kind of relationship. At the end of the day you would not be you. Nobody builds a relationship with someone "in the back ground". You both are in the forefront. It seems that you are acting a way and she is verbalising it. Parenthood is a major struggle that creates a wedge between partners in the best of relationships. You are already experiencing the fact that you are living two very different struggles. She needs practical support and a lot of understanding. What do you expect from a life-long committed partner ? Do you share the same values ? How do you feel about her family ? You complain a lot about her unwillingness to change her currant life style to let you in. Would she be better off financially without you ? Did you have a serious talk about finance before jumping in together in the near future? Is she certain this baby is yours ? You need time to decipher a battery of questions. I would say your loyalty is to the child for now, as you still do not know her well enough to know for certain what she is made of. I hope that it ends well, and that she is just having a very rough first trimester so she is talking nonsense and immature. All the best OP.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 15:00

ladydoris · 02/07/2022 14:08

You said twice that you are not there enough. Are you inadvertently raising her fear of abandonment ? She will need you more and more and even more when the baby is there. They are time suckers. You talk about intentions that actually end up nowhere, those intentions are not related to her by the way. Taking a kid to a store to buy a gift is not the way to go when they are small. He would want the whole store. You should have come up with the gift. Get him to unwrap it and marvel about it and play with him. You want to step up and you don't know how to. She is in an hormonal struggle and has to figure out herself this next step. I would say concentrate on you, get books, talk to other dads, and decide how you are going to father this baby and act upon it irrespective or your relationship with the mum. Your relationship with her cannot progress without time and thoughtful action from your part, she cannot be the one always queuing you on what to do. It is exhausting, she would basically be both partners, and you will never be happy in this kind of relationship. At the end of the day you would not be you. Nobody builds a relationship with someone "in the back ground". You both are in the forefront. It seems that you are acting a way and she is verbalising it. Parenthood is a major struggle that creates a wedge between partners in the best of relationships. You are already experiencing the fact that you are living two very different struggles. She needs practical support and a lot of understanding. What do you expect from a life-long committed partner ? Do you share the same values ? How do you feel about her family ? You complain a lot about her unwillingness to change her currant life style to let you in. Would she be better off financially without you ? Did you have a serious talk about finance before jumping in together in the near future? Is she certain this baby is yours ? You need time to decipher a battery of questions. I would say your loyalty is to the child for now, as you still do not know her well enough to know for certain what she is made of. I hope that it ends well, and that she is just having a very rough first trimester so she is talking nonsense and immature. All the best OP.

I'm not there enough because she is choosing for me to not be there

My position is and always will be what's best for her her son and baby

Seriously this I'm not supporting her enough isn't correct she's literally cutting me out and pushing me away

When the baby comes I am going to do everything for them

In regards to getting him a present etc I discussed this with her rather than by a gift he won't like plus he's never been to the store I wanted to take him too and he would of loved it !!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:03

When the baby comes I am going to do everything for them

She won't let you do everything for her now, from what you've said, so why do you think that'll change?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 15:13

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:03

When the baby comes I am going to do everything for them

She won't let you do everything for her now, from what you've said, so why do you think that'll change?

I think it's a front and she'll realise that I will be needed

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:16

Why when she's done it once before?

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 15:18

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:16

Why when she's done it once before?

Ok lol not what I need but thanks

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:20

@Lew12345 I just don't want you to hang your hopes on her deciding she wants and needs you around after all.

I think it's sensible to prepare for the very real possibility that she'll end your relationship and keep you at arms length and you'll have to fight to be a proper part of baby's life.

I hope I'm wrong but it's best to be cautious as men get the rough end of the deal when it comes to contact if mom decides to make it so.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 15:21

girlmom21 · 02/07/2022 15:20

@Lew12345 I just don't want you to hang your hopes on her deciding she wants and needs you around after all.

I think it's sensible to prepare for the very real possibility that she'll end your relationship and keep you at arms length and you'll have to fight to be a proper part of baby's life.

I hope I'm wrong but it's best to be cautious as men get the rough end of the deal when it comes to contact if mom decides to make it so.

Ok

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 02/07/2022 15:38

Sounds like you have provided the sperm and now she’s lost interest. Sorry

milawops · 02/07/2022 15:52

She sounds very similar to me in my second pregnancy. I was cold, distant, completely unable to communicate with my partner. He kept insisting there was something wrong, I was equally insistent that there wasn't. When I finally hit rock bottom and saw a doctor it turned out I was suffering from the double whammy of PND from my first pregnancy and AND from my second. It very nearly destroyed my relationship, In fact we did briefly split up just after our son was born as he was convinced I didn't love him anymore and I had convinced myself he was using it as an excuse to cheat on me.
I'm not saying PP are wrong about her using you for a baby and not wanting to be with you, just that their might be more to it.

ladydoris · 02/07/2022 18:04

It's not you. Not sure it's her. You have to build the "us" part and it's super tough. It's right that it might just be fronting. It might well be PND. Hang in there and guard your heart. What is tough is you have to be there for the baby. But what she needs to know is that She is the priority. The same for you you need to know that she loves You. All the best op.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/07/2022 18:09

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, just your first one.

But I have to say I've heard (on here and in real life) a LOT of women say they basically despised their partner when pregnant, then went right back to loving them once baby born 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hormones are crazy.

Original poster
Lew12345 · 02/07/2022 18:20

SuziSecondLaw · 02/07/2022 18:09

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, just your first one.

But I have to say I've heard (on here and in real life) a LOT of women say they basically despised their partner when pregnant, then went right back to loving them once baby born 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hormones are crazy.

I genuinely hope so

OP posts:
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