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Original poster

Co-sleeping at 12?

40 replies

MissRedd · 01/07/2022 15:17

Hiya everyone,

I was wondering if my thoughts are selfish or it’s something that is a feeling that others would feel if they were in my position:

To start with I have been a relationship with this older guy for over 2 years and have met his 2 sons now (9) and (12 soon turning 13). I have no children of my own. About 6 months ago, he told me he wants me to sleep with him in his bed as he feels more secure in our relationship. Prior to that I’d sleep on the sofa or in his son’s room if I was staying overnight. Both have different mothers with the eldest son’s (12) mother not being around at all. Mind you the eldest son (12) lives with his dad (my partner) 24/7 and the youngest one sees his dad on weekends, when not at his Mum’s.

When I met him, his eldest son would occasionally sleep in his Dad’s bed which I thought and still do think is cute and endearing as he’ll soon grow out of that. More recently, I have been staying over every night because I am in the middle of a flat move (we don’t normally live together). For the last few weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep in my partner’s bed with him because the eldest all of the sudden wants to be there every night. As a result I sleep in his room, on my own in his single bed. Even when the youngest son comes round, both would sleep in their dad’s king bed and my partner and I would be confined to 2 separate single beds.

This now means that we have a lack of intimacy and touch as we work full time too. It’s just very frustrating sometimes when I’m on my own in the single bed. I understand completely father-son bonding but it’s becoming every single night and our sex life is suffering because of it. Every single time I ask where I’m sleeping his response is, it depends where DS wants to sleep. It doesn’t seem like anything will change and I’m worried this will be a common practice when I’m staying the night.

I’m conflicted because I love seeing them bonding and being together as he’s amazing with them, but at the same time I feel very distant from him and don’t know where I fit in. I’m worried I’m being selfish and don’t want him to feel like I’m making him chose, which is why I haven’t directly brought up my feelings to him. So am I being a selfish person?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 01/07/2022 15:32

I wonder if the children are sleeping in their dad's bed because they resent you being with him and are making a point? 9 and 12 is quite old to want to co sleep.

merryhouse · 01/07/2022 15:36

You know what? I'd bin this one off. They're perfectly entitled to run their household how they want; but you don't have to be a part of it.

(Nitpick: not sure this could be described as "co-sleeping" mind)

MarshaMelrose · 01/07/2022 15:41

He made you sleep on the sofa? He didn't give up his bed for you? That would enough to put me off.

aSofaNearYou · 01/07/2022 15:42

Fuck that, frankly. He's not making enough room for you in his life. The way he just assumes his son gets to choose and you will be the one to compromise (rather than him himself) rings alarm bells too. I would walk away from this one:

Mariposista · 01/07/2022 16:05

As someone who is staunchly against co-sleeping at any age - stuff that. Make him sort it out or move on!

Justcallmebebes · 01/07/2022 16:10

Yeah. No, I'd bin this off. Sounds very entangled and complicated and no way would I be with a man who saw me on the sofa whilst he was tucked up with his pre-teen kid in the king size. Just weird

JuneOsborne · 01/07/2022 16:12

Well he sounds like an awesome dad. Quite refreshing on here actually.

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/07/2022 16:19

My 14 year old and 10 year old will still sometimes sneak into my bed sending DH off to the spare room.

I don't think you are being selfish to want to sleep in the same bed as your partner. But at the same time the kids are probably feeling unsettled with you being there every night and are staking out their territory with Dad.

You don't normally live together and are moving into another flat so I think that you should let it be in the meantime.

He sounds like a great Dad and you may need to find other times and places to be intimate until the children are feeling more settled.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/07/2022 16:30

The child may feel unsettled but that doesn't mean he should be in the bed with his dad! Too old imo. 12yr olds don't get to make the rules, they need reassurance that the adults have got this. The Dad should be making room for you and he isn't. I also would bin this one off.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2022 16:31

Allowing your children to run (and upset) the whole house isn't being a great dad imo....

Yorkshirebred · 01/07/2022 16:39

Yuk he's giving me the ick from here and I'd be chucking this one back into the sea.

DogsAndGin · 01/07/2022 16:44

Justcallmebebes · 01/07/2022 16:10

Yeah. No, I'd bin this off. Sounds very entangled and complicated and no way would I be with a man who saw me on the sofa whilst he was tucked up with his pre-teen kid in the king size. Just weird

I agree with this.

Misstes · 01/07/2022 16:49

Get out why you can sounds like the boy is marking his territory and the dad is only gonna back him up.

Wartywart · 01/07/2022 16:49

Child is worried about you 'replacing' his mum and therefore, with you staying at his dad's house temporarily, he's subconsciously worried that this will cease to be temporary and you will actually move in. Therefore, all he can do to stem the tide and keep you as a guest in the house, is stop you from sleeping in the same bed as dad, and the only way he can do that is to get into bed with dad himself.

I'm sure he won't want to do that in a year' s time, or even in a few months' time, but for now it's his only recourse.

Dad feels guilty about separating from mum and is bending over backwards to make kids happy; he can't see the wood for the trees - everyone wants a piece of him.

Yellowhase · 01/07/2022 19:14

Hmmm I may be in the minors but I have a 12 year old who took years to sleep well. Occasionally when she is anxious and stressed we still do sleep as a last resort. Maybe he is unsettled and needs support but his dad does need to nip this in the bud. But it’s not easy for kids with sleep issues.

Sunnytwobridges · 01/07/2022 19:30

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2022 16:31

Allowing your children to run (and upset) the whole house isn't being a great dad imo....

Agreed. And a 12 yr old doesn't really need to be regularly sleeping in the bed with their parent either. I went thru similar with an ex and it became a huge issue.

Thereisnolight · 01/07/2022 19:36

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/07/2022 16:19

My 14 year old and 10 year old will still sometimes sneak into my bed sending DH off to the spare room.

I don't think you are being selfish to want to sleep in the same bed as your partner. But at the same time the kids are probably feeling unsettled with you being there every night and are staking out their territory with Dad.

You don't normally live together and are moving into another flat so I think that you should let it be in the meantime.

He sounds like a great Dad and you may need to find other times and places to be intimate until the children are feeling more settled.

Yes. The co-sleeping will fade out very soon.
Is he a good partner to you otherwise?
And you yourself sound like a lovely and thoughtful person - not selfish at all. This family would be lucky to have you in their lives. I hope you can all make it work.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2022 19:37

It’s not a coincidence his son wants to sleep with him now you’re around all the time. He’s literally making no space for you and your boyfriend is going along with it.

How long are you planning to stay?

I’m very pro cosleeping, my 3 year old still comes in at some point most nights but she’s very young, we have plenty of sex and she goes down in her own room. I’ve had 12 year old step children (they’re older now) and wouldn’t have been kicked out of my bed/the bed I’m meant to be sleeping in for their dad to consign me to the sofa. What’s going on here is much more complicated and quite weird.

DangerNoodles · 01/07/2022 19:49

JuneOsborne · 01/07/2022 16:12

Well he sounds like an awesome dad. Quite refreshing on here actually.

He really does. It doesn't sound like this family are in a position to accept someone else into it right now OP. Disrupting this arrangement is only going to lead to trouble for you.

aSofaNearYou · 01/07/2022 19:52

He really does. It doesn't sound like this family are in a position to accept someone else into it right now OP. Disrupting this arrangement is only going to lead to trouble for you.

Let's not worship him too much. This being the case he was highly selfish to pursue a relationship.

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2022 19:55

This wouldn't work for me. I'd find it a bit creepy and manipulated. From both sides.

pedropony76 · 01/07/2022 19:59

Fuck that🤣

MissMaple82 · 01/07/2022 20:07

What the fuck!! No, this is not a normal bond!!! This is not a normal relationship.. this is disturbing.. and no I'm not suggesting there's anything untoward going on, other than it's just plain odd odd odd

MissMaple82 · 01/07/2022 20:08

Your talking about co sleeping with a pre teen!!! A teenager!!!

User3568975431146 · 01/07/2022 20:10

Just let them be.

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