Co-sleeping at 12?

[MissRedd]

Hiya everyone,

I was wondering if my thoughts are selfish or it’s something that is a feeling that others would feel if they were in my position:

To start with I have been a relationship with this older guy for over 2 years and have met his 2 sons now (9) and (12 soon turning 13). I have no children of my own. About 6 months ago, he told me he wants me to sleep with him in his bed as he feels more secure in our relationship. Prior to that I’d sleep on the sofa or in his son’s room if I was staying overnight. Both have different mothers with the eldest son’s (12) mother not being around at all. Mind you the eldest son (12) lives with his dad (my partner) 24/7 and the youngest one sees his dad on weekends, when not at his Mum’s.

When I met him, his eldest son would occasionally sleep in his Dad’s bed which I thought and still do think is cute and endearing as he’ll soon grow out of that. More recently, I have been staying over every night because I am in the middle of a flat move (we don’t normally live together). For the last few weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep in my partner’s bed with him because the eldest all of the sudden wants to be there every night. As a result I sleep in his room, on my own in his single bed. Even when the youngest son comes round, both would sleep in their dad’s king bed and my partner and I would be confined to 2 separate single beds.

This now means that we have a lack of intimacy and touch as we work full time too. It’s just very frustrating sometimes when I’m on my own in the single bed. I understand completely father-son bonding but it’s becoming every single night and our sex life is suffering because of it. Every single time I ask where I’m sleeping his response is, it depends where DS wants to sleep. It doesn’t seem like anything will change and I’m worried this will be a common practice when I’m staying the night.

I’m conflicted because I love seeing them bonding and being together as he’s amazing with them, but at the same time I feel very distant from him and don’t know where I fit in. I’m worried I’m being selfish and don’t want him to feel like I’m making him chose, which is why I haven’t directly brought up my feelings to him. So am I being a selfish person?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

100%

kids first.

Bin him off.

Do the sons live with him full time?

I know someone who used to let their 16 year old son sleep in their bed every night in between his mum and dad. I don’t know how they had a decent sex life.

You don’t live with him and tbh you should be grateful that he’s letting you stay there.
How he raises his kids isn’t your concern and you’ll be going back to your own home soon so you can have a ex there instead.

In the future when you move in together properly then you can have a discussion about it.

If his DS lives with him full time and doesn't have much/any contact with his DM I could understand that he might see a woman trying to take that role as threatening. Has your DP discussed that with him?

I don't think it's fair to expect a child to give up the comfort of co-sleeping so that you can have it instead. That being said, id find somewhere else to sleep while you move.

This is strange. Get your flat move sorted and let this one go.

Don't listen to the people who say it's disturbing. He sounds like a great Dad. Perfectly ok for a 12 year old to sleep in their parents bed . However every night does seem a bit much and I think some effort needs to be made to make sure it's just an occasional thing, so that you can get some alone time

Is it possible they heard ye having sex before and are trying to avoid that by not letting ye sleep in the same bed?

Then stay single. People like this man have no business at all dating. You don’t invite someone into your home to stay over then make them sleep on the fucking sofa.

You know nothing about him bar his poor manners to OP and his willingness to be bossed around by a 12 year old. If that’s the life he wants he needs to stay single. The fawning over him is quite pathetic and shows what desperately low standards so many women have for men.

This thread (as always) is divided between people who are happy to see parents having a great relationship with their children…..and the meee meee meee types who would expect a man to instantly put his children second to thheemmmmm.

Personally I'd have waved goodbye when he made me sleep on the settee while he took the bed, but is it a great relationship to sleep every night with a 12yo? If you feel doubtful that that's great, does it really make you a meee meee meee person?

You're funny.

There’s nothing wrong with it - unless you suspect he’s abusing the boy.
Otherwise yes, you (an adult) are competing with the child for the dad’s affection. Something OP doesn’t seem keen to do.

I didn’t intend to be. This sort of thing often causes a great deal of upset.

There’s nothing wrong with it - unless you suspect he’s abusing the boy.
Otherwise yes, you (an adult) are competing with the child for the dad’s affection. Something OP doesn’t seem keen to do.

Not expecting to be relegated to the sofa as a guest is not "competing with the child for the dad's affection"

Otherwise yes, you (an adult) are competing with the child for the dad’s affection.

I don't think he's abusing the boy at all. But personally, if I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I'm relegated to the settee so he an curl up with his 12yo every night, I'd be questioning the future of the relationship. I don't see how that makes me competitive for affection or meee meee meee.