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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do those of you with domestically lazy husbands still find them attractive?

55 replies

EightChalk · 01/07/2022 13:11

This is something that comes up day in, day out on here and in many other female-centric communities: women posting for advice about their relationships with men who do not do their fair share of childcare, cleaning, cooking and other domestic drudgery (or who think that they do because they do occasional performance cookery that leaves the woman washing up every pan in the kitchen, or they do the garden maintenance twice a year and consider that equivalent to keeping the house clean every single day, or they do the DIY - grudgingly and weeks after it's needed in many cases - and similarly consider these occasional tasks equivalent to the regular upkeep of a home).

Often both partners work, but the drudgery still defaults to the woman (look up the statistics on this; it's horrifying). These husbands/partners often also have non-negotiable hobbies that take up loads of time. They consider looking after the children by themselves a favour to their female partner. We've all read about these setups dozens of times.

If you are in one of these unbalanced relationships, how can you look at him and think "yes, that's the man for me"? How can you have an intimate relationship with someone who shows such a lack of respect?

The worst is when these men dare to accuse their exhausted, overworked, underappreciated female partners of not having sex with them often enough. How can they think they are sexually attractive? How do look at themselves as decent people when they treat their partners like that?

This isn't a wide-eyed "but I don't understand" post - I genuinely don't understand. How does the attraction not just dry up when they treat you like a mother-maid combination?

OP posts:
Christinatheastonishing · 01/07/2022 15:24

There's also the special kind of gaslighting bastard who treats the woman like a weak, whiny harpy for daring to expect help. Eventually she is so tired and ground down she starts to believe it.

KangarooKenny · 01/07/2022 15:34

My DH earned a good age when I was a SAHM and part time. I didn’t mind doing the housework because that equalled full time work to me.
However, when he wouldn’t address his penis problem, said yet again that he would do something about his alcohol problem but didn’t, then he retired and decided to lie in every day, the resentment set in.
And that’s the problem, resentment that doesn’t go away.
It can’t be a coincidence that so many women complain on here.

SaladShaker · 01/07/2022 15:44

My opinion is one I rarely see posted but I personally think men aren't really wired for domestic duties. Many think it is the way they have been raised but I truly think they haven't got it in them. They aren't naturally nurturing like women.

We used to live in tribes where women were home makers and took care of the house and children and supported each other whilst men brought home the food/money. Now we live in nuclear families where it's just a woman and man living together with their children, and with women now working outside the home just as much as men, they still do all the household and child rearing duties in addition, yet don't have their tribe of women to assist with this.

Just to be clear I am a wife and mother and I'm not saying this situation is ok. I just think men aren't wired this way. And it results in us feeling less attracted to our husbands/partners because we're burnt out and resentful and our expectations of them contributing to housekeeping and child rearing aren't met.

I think the best solutions are either for women to not work/work part time if they wish (which has its own risks e.g financial abuse), or for those who work, to outsource as much as this kind of stuff as possible. I think expecting men to do it is only going to lead to disappointment. The vast vast majority of divorces are filed by women for these very kinds of reasons. The modern way of life just doesn't really work for us.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/07/2022 15:45

@sleepymum50 that's quite accurate I think. Resentment is often a silent killer

DisgruntledPelican · 01/07/2022 15:50

Many think it is the way they have been raised but I truly think they haven't got it in them. They aren't naturally nurturing like women.

even if this were true (I disagree) then it could surely only apply to child-rearing? I’ve never wanted to nurture the grime that collects at the back of the toilet pan, or scrub dried cat food off the dishes. I like to live in a tidy house that smells nice, but I do the bare minimum and I’ve never dusted a doorframe in my life.

Worldgonecrazy · 01/07/2022 15:51

houseonthehill · 01/07/2022 15:09

I saw the opposite once - a mainly American thread on Reddit, maybe - in which a (I suspect yee-haw Conservative type) woman was saying she was turned off by the sight of a man doing domestic chores, as it was Unmanly And She Needed A Real Man. She got a fair amount of supportive replies from other women, and of course some push-back.

Ugh! I would find any man who wanted a ‘good little housewife’ deeply unattractive from day one!

houseonthehill · 01/07/2022 15:54

Worldgonecrazy · 01/07/2022 15:51

Ugh! I would find any man who wanted a ‘good little housewife’ deeply unattractive from day one!

Well, it's possible that he didn't want that, I suppose. It was her that wanted him to stay away from the duster, in this case!

theworldhas · 01/07/2022 16:00

Compromise. And the realisation that Mr Right isn’t just waiting around the corner. No, Mr/Mrs Right is probably a dickhead too and probably will have zero interest in your kids AND you’ll still have to deal with the current dickhead as you coparent.

Fairislefandango · 01/07/2022 16:07

I find this a slightly odd question, because to be brutally honest I don't really think attractiveness usually hinges on this kind of thing. In times gone by, a man who did lots of housework and childcare would have been regarded as actively unattractive. I'm not at all suggesting that is still the case, but equally I don't think it's at all hard for women to be attracted (perhaps in spite of themselves) to sexist, undomesticated men who have other attractive attributes.

I don't find it hard to imagine that you can be pissed off at your dp/husband and still attracted to him. Then you have to decide what's more important to you - attraction or respect and equality. Unfortunately for some women, attraction wins! It wouldn't for me, but I'm pretty pragmatic... which is probably why the concept of 'love languages' makes me want to cringe myself inside out.

SaladShaker · 01/07/2022 16:08

even if this were true (I disagree) then it could surely only apply to child-rearing? I’ve never wanted to nurture the grime that collects at the back of the toilet pan, or scrub dried cat food off the dishes. I like to live in a tidy house that smells nice, but I do the bare minimum and I’ve never dusted a doorframe in my life.

Not sure how to make the above bold as it is a quote but I totally agree. However I think many men (not all) won't even do the bare minimum. They will literally sit in absolute filth just waiting for someone else to do it. Whereas I feel women will do what needs to be done to ensure the house is tidy and relatively clean without being Mrs Hinch

Theblondestoftheblonde · 01/07/2022 16:11

Bloody hell, "men aren't wired that way?" - you've got to be kidding, right?

Women aren't born knowing how to cook and use a washing machine and all that boring stuff.

I came on to say boiled frog as well, I think a lot of women start off thinking it's more or less equal and shared and then they have kids and oh! Turns out it's not. Either he turns into a lazy bastard or he works and she's on maternity leave so they agree she should do it all or she stops working and becomes a SAHM or works part time, thus damaging her career prospects and future earning power, and so it goes on. And then because he earns and she doesn't and because he's unreasonable he expects her to do everything and she believes she should because he's told her so. Then she starts to find it unattractive and stops fancying him but it's too late, she's financially and domestically trapped. So she might have the odd shag anyway but he's probably not setting her pulse racing because it's just not sexy at all, living with someone who is lazy and doesn't contribute to the boring stuff.

None of this is based on my experience btw, I have a dh who contributes equally to childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning and all the boring shit of life. He always has done and I'd have left him had he not. But I deliberately kept my career so I've always been financially independent, it gave me choices.

linelgreen · 01/07/2022 16:30

To be honest it doesn't bother me at all that DH has never done much about the house I would rather he put his energies into his career which he has done and provides the £££ to fund our cleaner, gardener, decorator and any other tradesmen that are needed. This way our time away from work is ours and not restricted by a never ending list of jobs that need doing.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/07/2022 16:46

linelgreen · 01/07/2022 16:30

To be honest it doesn't bother me at all that DH has never done much about the house I would rather he put his energies into his career which he has done and provides the £££ to fund our cleaner, gardener, decorator and any other tradesmen that are needed. This way our time away from work is ours and not restricted by a never ending list of jobs that need doing.

This isn’t quite the same, is it? It sounds as though neither of you do much around the house because you hire labour in. He isn’t leaving you do to all the cleaning, gardening and decorating whilst he pleases himself.

EightChalk · 01/07/2022 16:50

Yes, I'd definitely draw a distinction between situations where finances allow for cleaners and other paid-for services, and also ones where one partner works more so the two have agreed and are happy with an unequal chore/childcare distribution, and the kind of situation I described in my post, where both partners work roughly the same amount (or one has just had a baby) and the man still doesn't pull his weight around the house.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 01/07/2022 16:50

“If you are in one of these unbalanced relationships, how can you look at him and think "yes, that's the man for me"? How can you have an intimate relationship with someone who shows such a lack of respect?”

  • Because, although I do all of the housework, I also work far fewer hours than my DH.
Mimilamore · 01/07/2022 16:54

I don't find him attractive....

Raow · 01/07/2022 17:02

To be honest I don’t think it’s just domestic duties that causes attraction to wane. Letting yourself go and not making an effort can be equally as unattractive (both sexes).

CaMePlaitPas · 01/07/2022 17:11

It's very difficult and tbh I question whether I made the right decision.

He works outside the home but I never see any of this money, my parents tend to send me a bit of money each month for me and the kids as I don't work currently, I can't as I'm pregnant again. I sell things that I don't use and I get a stipend from child benefit that I use on kids stuff and shopping.

I asked him for a vasectomy and he said absolutely no way so I'm going to have to go and get my tubes done as hormonal contraception takes it's toll.

He leaves wrappers on the kitchen floor from his night binges and doesn't clean up after himself. Pushes the bin down instead of taking it out. I shoulder the burden of all the mental load. I went to the doctor about my depression but I wonder whether it's actually depression and not resentment, upset and frustration.

He used to be helpful, he used to help me clean and cook a lot but as soon as I fell pregnant that was it. I doubt he'll help with nappies once LO is here.

I'm scared for the future, I've got girls and I'm scared I'm teaching them something I don't even believe in myself - which is to settle.

The God's honest is that I don't find him attractive, the marriage is over although I try to fake it until I make it. One day I'll have childcare for the baby and I'll go back to work and hopefully things will open up.

I'm not really interested in him or other men, I'm just interested in being free.

Buythebag40 · 01/07/2022 17:16

Do you want the opinion of SAHM's? I put up with it because I have the things I do (chores, childcare etc) and deal with the (sometimes) drudgery and downside of that and he runs his own business, in quite a stressful industry and earns a lot of money but has to deal with the stress and crap that comes with his job.

Yes it annoys me sometimes that all the domestic stuff falls to me, but I certainly wouldn't want to go out working 10-12 hour days to bring home the bacon. We have a very nice life and he is generous. He is also an excellent dad and spends all his spare time when not working with myself and the dc's (ie. He's not one of these types who buggers off doing a "hobby" or going down the pub at the weekends).

It works for us and we still have a good sex life and are very attracted to one another. I guess I'm one of those old fashioned women who doesn't mind doing the domestic stuff and has enjoyed being at home bringing up my dc's.

Shoot me!

AlienatedChildGrown · 01/07/2022 17:18

Because he has other qualities I value more than equal efforts at housework.

That’s not to say I don’t get annoyed with him when he plays the “helpless be-penised” card. I do. And sometimes it is worth the extra time, effort and irritation of walking him through basic tasks. But most of the time it isn’t.

I’ve brought up DS very, very differently from the way DH was. He’s in his 20s and we’ve shared all the domestic chores since he was about 13 ish, with him gradually taking on more and more responsibility. He ran the entire household single-handedly for the whole 8 months I was ill and recovering from Covid while DH and he shared nursing me and hauling me around the house as needed.

I think DS has those same “other qualities” that DH does, but my original cunning plan was to give him an upgrade in terms of “best chance at domestic harmony” in his future. I’d immagine GenZ daughters in law will have higher expectations than GenX in terms of husbands/boyfriends pulling their housework weight. And I know being lumbered with all the domestic tasks causes friction, sometimes to point of threatening the relationship.

The thing I noticed though, once I was fully recovered, how much I saw my domestic domination as cementing my supremacy as Chief Decider of All Household Stuff. I had a bit of a struggle getting to grips with DS being an equal partner not just in doing all the stuff, but deciding the when, how, budget and best brands of all the stuff.

He changed the kitchen and laundry system around while I was a dying swan. And I say I’m fine with that. But I’m lying. It’s MY kitchen and MY laundry room godammit. 😬

In terms of swings and roundabouts it’s better than the alternative, but still requires some adjustment of the headspace. It’s easy to get used to sharing the grind, but power sharing is a bit less comfortable.

MorrisZapp · 01/07/2022 17:25

I would separate cleaning etc from parenting. Some women no doubt like a 'manly man' like on the old Flash adverts who walks mud across a clean floor because he's adorably clueless about domesticity.

Not my bag, but many women like it. My gran used to positively encourage it.

But a crap or half hearted parent, no, hell no. If you don't care about the minutae of your own kids lives I will simply assume you don't love your kids as much as I do. Total deal breaker.

AquaticSewingMachine · 01/07/2022 17:51

SaladShaker · 01/07/2022 15:44

My opinion is one I rarely see posted but I personally think men aren't really wired for domestic duties. Many think it is the way they have been raised but I truly think they haven't got it in them. They aren't naturally nurturing like women.

We used to live in tribes where women were home makers and took care of the house and children and supported each other whilst men brought home the food/money. Now we live in nuclear families where it's just a woman and man living together with their children, and with women now working outside the home just as much as men, they still do all the household and child rearing duties in addition, yet don't have their tribe of women to assist with this.

Just to be clear I am a wife and mother and I'm not saying this situation is ok. I just think men aren't wired this way. And it results in us feeling less attracted to our husbands/partners because we're burnt out and resentful and our expectations of them contributing to housekeeping and child rearing aren't met.

I think the best solutions are either for women to not work/work part time if they wish (which has its own risks e.g financial abuse), or for those who work, to outsource as much as this kind of stuff as possible. I think expecting men to do it is only going to lead to disappointment. The vast vast majority of divorces are filed by women for these very kinds of reasons. The modern way of life just doesn't really work for us.

Oh, please. The idea that cavewomen stayed home and swept the cave while cavemen went out to hunt is right-wing fantasy bunk. Women have always, always worked, doing the same physical labour as men (mostly farming). Men have always been involved in child-rearing.

fedupathome · 01/07/2022 18:14

This is me and no I don't find him attractive. We very rarely have sex for that reason.

He wasn't always this way . I grew up in an abusive and violent home and got married young.
At the start and after our first child he still did his fair share. After we had 2 more children he changed and turned into a lazy selfish bum. His kids don't respect him due to his hands off parenting .

I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning in addition to working full time and being the main earner.
I don't find him attractive in any way but stay with him due to the mortgage and the kids sake.
I live in hope that one day he will change.

madasawethen · 01/07/2022 18:35

The answer is I don't.
I was probably guilty of getting caught up in the entire marriage fantasy.

There always has been a lot of social pressure and making marriage out to be the greatest achievement for women. I guess it would have to be that way as most women wouldn't want to do it if they knew how bad it would be. Maybe not even bad but a lot of drudge work.

I was turned off by the decline in his personal hygiene as well as his efforts around the house and in bed.
I think that is one of the saddest parts is that the amount men would need to pitch in to make things 100% better isn't even all that much.

PickAChew · 01/07/2022 18:36

I didn't. It's one of the reasons I divorced him.