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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Postnatal Depression in the Father

27 replies

Dazedandconfused170 · 01/07/2022 12:48

Hi, does anyone have any experience of their partner’s experiencing post natal depression after having your child?

OP posts:
Didimum · 01/07/2022 15:35

My brother in law did after having his first. He sought counselling and medication.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 01/07/2022 15:55

My ex husband claimed he did after our DTs were born. It felt like the latest in a line of selfish behaviours - meanwhile I was left, having been hospitalised for 2 months prior to having a c-section, to do literally everything. It was an absolute low point in my life and I clearly remember thinking that he couldn’t even allow me the ability to be the person who might need help and support - yet again it was all about him.

Obviously just my experience…

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 15:57

You will more than likely get a great number of people telling you it doesn't exist in men as it is a condition triggered by giving birth and the changes in the body during and after pregnancy, which doesn't happen to men.

It's not really postnatal depression in men, it's more of a situational depression, usually linked to less sleep and a loss of freedom, from what I can tell.

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 16:22

I have to admit I'm very sceptical of postpartum depression in men. All the articles I've read on it seem to list the main symptoms as being a bit of a selfish bugger who's unsettled because he's no longer his partner's priority. There doesn't seem to be any strong evidence for a biological component, either. I don't doubt that some men experience depression after the birth of their children, and I don't doubt that it can be exacerbated if their partner has PPD, but I think calling it PPD is a misnomer - it's not caused by being postpartum (which men can't be anyway) it's caused by the upheaval of a baby.

Paternal PPD seems to me to be yet another "but what about the poor neglected men" thing. @ibelieveinmirrorballs experience resonates very strongly with me.

Discovereads · 01/07/2022 16:34

Postnatal Depression can affect men, similar to how it affects adoptive parents. You don’t have to have given birth to be affected by the stressful life event that is becoming a parent to a newborn. Of course, the mother who gave birth is at higher risk of PND due to birth trauma, but it’s not exclusive to them.

He should seek counselling, parenting support group, and/or medication- his GP is the first person he should call. There are also good MH charities that can help like Mind.

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 17:19

Surely though if you haven't given birth you're not postpartum, so though you may have depression it isn't postpartum depression? I know this sounds like nitpicking but terminology is important!

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/07/2022 17:25

My ExH had it. It triggered psychosis and I had to leave with my 1yo. He did seek help, but it was not treated seriously enough. He needed to be admitted. He was eventually diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and received suitable medication, but too late for us.

If your DP is suffering, he (and you and baby) needs medical advice ASAP. Good luck @Dazedandconfused170.Thanks

LaingsAcidTab · 01/07/2022 19:01

"Post-natal" depression in men is possible when you see it from a psychological perspective: having a baby triggers experiences that may have happened in that person's own birth family, which are reignited because the relationship dynamics are mirrored. In other words, a part of the psyche is 'taken right back' into the birth family, and if there are unresolved issues and pain there, they are likely to reappear - but will feel like they've come out of nowhere unless this link is made.

Clymene · 01/07/2022 19:13

LaingsAcidTab · 01/07/2022 19:01

"Post-natal" depression in men is possible when you see it from a psychological perspective: having a baby triggers experiences that may have happened in that person's own birth family, which are reignited because the relationship dynamics are mirrored. In other words, a part of the psyche is 'taken right back' into the birth family, and if there are unresolved issues and pain there, they are likely to reappear - but will feel like they've come out of nowhere unless this link is made.

Well maybe it should be called new parenting depression then. Because it sure as shit isn't postnatal.

A lot of men get very pissy about not being the centre of the universe anymore. Just like MVAW ramps up in pregnancy.

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 20:11

LaingsAcidTab · 01/07/2022 19:01

"Post-natal" depression in men is possible when you see it from a psychological perspective: having a baby triggers experiences that may have happened in that person's own birth family, which are reignited because the relationship dynamics are mirrored. In other words, a part of the psyche is 'taken right back' into the birth family, and if there are unresolved issues and pain there, they are likely to reappear - but will feel like they've come out of nowhere unless this link is made.

That doesn't make it postnatal. Men do not give birth. The reason it is called postnatal/postpartum depression is because it is triggered by the physiological process of giving birth.

Men can and do experience depression upon becoming parents. It is definitely a thing that happens. It is not postpartum depression, because that happens exclusively to women who have given birth.

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/07/2022 21:01

LaingsAcidTab · 01/07/2022 19:01

"Post-natal" depression in men is possible when you see it from a psychological perspective: having a baby triggers experiences that may have happened in that person's own birth family, which are reignited because the relationship dynamics are mirrored. In other words, a part of the psyche is 'taken right back' into the birth family, and if there are unresolved issues and pain there, they are likely to reappear - but will feel like they've come out of nowhere unless this link is made.

That's what happened with my ExH.

His mum suffered 5 stillbirths while he was a child. The hope, separation, fear and trauma that he had repeatedly experienced triggered a total mental breakdown when our son was born.Sad

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/07/2022 21:05

I understand that the term PND is controversial when it comes to men, but thats for another thread. This is a thread where a new mum is seeking support and I hope that she and her DP get it.

MolliciousIntent · 01/07/2022 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Troll hunting

Upsideandundergarments · 01/07/2022 21:37

I'm going to side step the debate about terminology. Whatever you want to call it my husband did experience depression and anxiety after the birth of our baby. He is an incredibly supportive partner right the way through the pregnancy and is the primary caregiver now.

I actually look back on my birth incredibly fondly and see it as a really positive experience. It was a waterbirth but after the placenta was delivered I started to lose a lot of blood. I didn't feel safe holding the baby and passed him to my husband for golden hour while I was helped. I don't really remember this bit but he was left holding the baby while the midwives rightly saw to me. The pool filled with blood and I went totally white and a bit floppy. He was sleep deprived and terrified and that is his overriding memory whereas that wasn't my experience at all.

He is predisposed to anxiety which went into overdrive. He wanted to be perfect and support me totally but struggled with the sleep deprivation and the adjustment. It meant he didn't bond with the baby which made him feel awful and caused a downward spiral. He felt he couldn't say any of this because he was aware that I was the one who had given birth so needed to be the focus so bottled it up.

What helped was speaking to a therapist. Also dedicated, pre-planned time where he was 'off the clock' so he didn't have to think about the baby for a time and could be himself, get out of the house etc. Yes I get the same amount of time as well. He also sleeps in a seperate room at night as baby is breastfed so he can't help with the nights anyway and means he is well rested. He then comes in at 8am, hands me a cup of tea and leaves with the baby so I can rest. This works for us.

Nearly 4 months in and we have found our groove and they have an amazing relationship. Encourage him to seek help. Yes, unfortunately for some they do use it as an excuse but for others it's genuine. You know best which one it is.

LaingsAcidTab · 02/07/2022 11:34

That's what I put "post natal" in speech marks, @Clymene and @MolliciousIntent

LaingsAcidTab · 02/07/2022 11:34

*why

Dazedandconfused170 · 11/07/2022 13:07

Thanks everyone for your responses.
We have a couples counselling session booked in for a couple of weeks time.

he admitted to me he’d really struggled to bond with our baby and he feels guilty/ashamed etc
so maybe wasn’t/isn’t depression and just the fact he was hiding this was getting him down so much

I really hope we can work this out

OP posts:
slug · 11/07/2022 13:51

DH went into a depression after the birth of DD. I don't think it was entirely triggered by her birth but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

We dealt with it eventually by me becoming the main breadwinner and him quitting work to be a SAHD.

Redannie118 · 11/07/2022 14:01

Male PND is just an excuse for lazy, selfish menchildren to opt out of all work and responsibility while they leave their knackered and in pain partners to do everything. My ex DH even used it as an excuse to shag around and then I was a horrible person for not understanding how hard it was for him ! Funny enough when i was diagnosed with severe PND, self harming and suicidal thoughts i was given massive doses of Prozac and told to just get on with it and not to expect any support from him, family or health professionals.

drlel · 11/07/2022 14:19

Dazedandconfused170 · 01/07/2022 12:48

Hi, does anyone have any experience of their partner’s experiencing post natal depression after having your child?

My ExH supposedly did. That was his excuse for starting an affair when our Dd was a few weeks old. Such bad post natal depression he had to shag someone else for over 2 years before I found out

MolliciousIntent · 11/07/2022 14:25

Dazedandconfused170 · 11/07/2022 13:07

Thanks everyone for your responses.
We have a couples counselling session booked in for a couple of weeks time.

he admitted to me he’d really struggled to bond with our baby and he feels guilty/ashamed etc
so maybe wasn’t/isn’t depression and just the fact he was hiding this was getting him down so much

I really hope we can work this out

Is he doing enough with the baby? Can he take responsibility for all nappy changes and bathtimes? If FF is he doing all the feeds he's home for? How old is baby? Bonding for men can take longer, because they don't have the hormonal surges (hence why it's just depression, not PND) and some men withdraw when they don't feel the fabled "rush of love" but it really is a fake-it-til-you-make-it situation - he needs to spend as much time as possible with the baby one on one.

mbosnz · 11/07/2022 15:09

Male PND is just an excuse for lazy, selfish menchildren to opt out of all work and responsibility while they leave their knackered and in pain partners to do everything. My ex DH even used it as an excuse to shag around and then I was a horrible person for not understanding how hard it was for him ! Funny enough when i was diagnosed with severe PND, self harming and suicidal thoughts i was given massive doses of Prozac and told to just get on with it and not to expect any support from him, family or health professionals.

I'm truly sorry for your terrible experience, both with your unsupportive husband, and your unsupported severe depression.

However, my DH had male PND. (I was like you, pretty bloody unimpressed with this!) He went to the doctor, got prozac, had some piss poor counselling. At no time did he leave everything to me (I also had severe PND). He got up for every nightfeed, he bathed the babe, he did the cooking etc, helped with the washing and housework, and never was anything but supportive, even if all I did was drag myself up, and feed the baby and do the nappies etc during the day. I wish so much you'd had that experience. He was working full time in a high stress job with a bastard boss, that time, and we had absolutely no familial support, all we had was each other.

Dazedandconfused170 · 11/07/2022 17:20

he hasn’t said he thinks he’s got PND btw but a couple of people suggested it to me so I just wondered
He doesn’t think he’s depressed but he’d shut himself off from me emotionally and withdrawn because he feels guilty for not bonding etc

he was doing a lot with the baby, she’s 9 months, but when all this came to a head he said he needed space so he’d not actually been living with us for 5 weeks. He’s been working away every week as well so he’d not seeing her as much as he would if he was here but it is something we are working on

he seems a lot better now he’s opened up to me about the way he’s been feeling since she was born and when he’s here he is trying with her, I guess the next step is to reconnect with each other

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 11/07/2022 17:30

I'd be pretty fucking unimpressed if my DH's response to not feeling bonded with our baby was to move out. If he doesn't think he's depressed, what's his excuse for fucking off and leaving you literally holding the baby? Has he done anything proactive to address these issues, apart from heading off to live like a single man?

I sincerely suggest you start getting your ducks in a row. Are you planning on returning to work? Do you have childcare lined up? Does he still have access to joint money and is he using it while living separately?