Broke her to pieces..

[Swyna]

Well first of all, this new for me, being online and talking my thoughts.

Me and my gf have been together over 5 years, have 2 perfect kids and so far arguments are basicly zero or minimum. Till now, when I literally acted like a total moron.

We were at huge party what we were looking forward to for long time.. as usual, she’s was with her friends and me with mine.

All went wrong after I chose to open new bottle of rum.. yeah bad idea thinking now..

Well party went on and i got drunk as f. In some point i saw her dancing with a guy(who i know) and literally he’s no threat at all. Well on that point i got sooo jealous, don’t know why or was it alcohol speaking. I screamed in front of her friends and ofc no doubt humiliated her.. for flirting(obviously she didn’t)

Went home and slept on it.. since i basicly blacked out last 2 hours Ofc she didn’t.

We talked it through her and my side of story. Ofc shes mad and every right to be.. She said that she’s broken like never before.. Now i’m here looking for answers how the heck i’m gonna fix it.. She said, she loves me and feelings hasn’t changed, but something has and don’t know if and when it will be back to normal..

We still sleep in same bed, kisses me back if i do and ofc she’s chating with her friends 24/7 since she needs time. A break from me i guess.. I’m doing everything to fix it, being sweet in every way, taking kids so she could do what she needs to.

It’s been like this about 5 days. Being distant, thinking over and over and asking what happened. She said that acting front of other people like we’re alright but actually we’re not.

It’s killing inside like hell…trying to be best bf and father, but how long i can hold on to that bleeding inside while trying to fix it, if she’s cold. Not totaly but annoyingly

What seems to triggered it was the rum, which would of raised the barriers of your normal thoughts and perspectives.

Basically, id advise, keep off the rum, be the best dad you can be, and you'll be lucky if you manage to repair things, basically just takes time and effort, and trust.

Bloody hell.

If OP had been a woman this would be a completely and utterly different thread.

Well yeah, seems like i’m in lioness cave.
Got better advice from friends then here. So that’s mistake 1 to be here. (Some of you were reasonable)
i don’t mind you calling me names and stuff, i know what I deserve. And i know what i have done. No excuses for that.

And who thought i don’t spend enough with my kids, are wrong..didn’t know if i wrote it wrong but meant, she could have more her time. Like long walks and being with friends.
But alright, keep them coming.

being sweet in every way, taking kids so she could do what she needs to.

She's being 'annoying' by being cold EVEN though you've parenting your own children for a couple of days? Goodness how unreasonable of her, she should be grateful you're doing such a kind thing 🙄

You bullied and humiliated her in front of her friends. You made out she was betraying you when she wasn't.

That doesn't come from nowhere. She now knows you're capable of being abusive, in front of people, for no reason. It is frightening to be shouted at. You scared her as well as humiliating her.

She will feel your resentment and the audacity of you calling her coldness 'annoying' (despite the fact she is actually showing some affection to you this soon which is baffling as I wouldn't be sharing a bed with you after that) is unreal.

You couldn't be doing more to drive her away.

Well yeah, seems like i’m in lioness cave.

Ugh grow up mate.

Adult women with their own opinions and experiences have shared their opinions with you.

On a discussion forum.

After you posted for advice.

If almost everyone says you're coming across in a certain way, do you not think they might be onto something?

Got better advice from friends then here.

"Got the better advice I wanted from friends-- but not on then-- here, from objective and impartial women."

Fixed that for you so it says what you actually mean.

I'll try that again. What I think you meant was:

"Got the better advice I wanted from friends-- but not on then-- here, from objective and impartial women."

So basically, your friends gave you the pat on the back, and said what you wanted to hear, rather than actually listen to different perspectives from mumsnetter s.

The ubiquitous snark.

Shame that.

But not a surprise.

Actually they didin’t “pat” on the back. They made me come back to reality. I do listen or well, read, if i don’t, I wouldn’t right here atm.

You've turned from asking for advice from a predominantly female forum to using the term 'lionesses' as an insult to women with opinions you don't agree with.

You've shown your misogynist side on here. You've insulted us openly.

You've shown your resentful, unreasonable side to the woman you claim to love. You've insulted her on here calling her 'annoying' for not forgiving you and being warm just five days after you bullied and humiliated her in front of her friends.

Do you genuinely think that you're behaving reasonably both on here and to her, in any way?

That term was used before by someone. I just followed up on that. Sorry if that hurt your feelings. True, annoyingly wasn’t the right word to use.but I’m not going to take dictionary to find the word i meant.
Lots of miss understanding from my sentences are here anyways.

You didn't hurt my feelings, I don't know you and I would only get 'upset' by someone's words if I know them and respect their opinion.

I just explained how you come across as entitled, misogynist and unreasonable.

Because that's what you're being.

You say now annoying was the wrong word to use and that you basically can't be arsed to find a better word for how you're feeling.

I'll help you out. You feel 'resentful'.

It's the perfect word for how you feel about her. You resent that she hasn't behaved how you would like her to after you bullied and humiliated her.

If you had a daughter and watched their boyfriend shout at her saying jealous things, berating and humiliating her in front of you and her friends, what would you think of that boyfriend?

If your daughter said that five days after it happened her boyfriend thought she should have moved on from it and be acting normal, being affectionate, not being cold etc, would you think he sounded like a nice and understanding bloke?

Yup. And she knows people will be feeling sorry for her. You're supposed to have each other's backs but you just don't get that. You treated her like dirt in front of people she knows. If it was me, you'd be out the door by now.

Alright i get your point and can’t argue with that. I wouldn’t let someone behave with my daughter that way if i have a say in that and i know i did opposite. That’s wrong in any possible way. But it has opened eyes for me, what to change, not to drink strong alcohol etc. Even if she decides to move on, that’s on me.
I’m going to honor her decisions.

You're on the wrong site here mate! You're not going to get any helpful advice.

It's troubling when men have to imagine their daughter in the situation of their own partner to see how bad their behaviour was but it's a useful exercise I guess. You'd hate a man who did that to your daughter and be worried about him treating her badly. Your partner is worried too, as well as humiliated and angry.

Your reaction to her behaviour in the aftermath is as troubling as the actual incident tbh. The instinct to be resentful and annoyed rather than being kind and understanding. The expectation that you just parenting your kids and buying a bunch of flowers changed anything when it's so recent.

Massive red flags and I don't believe that you've never been resentful, jealous or had unreasonable expectations of her at any point before this incident.

Look back on your own behaviour and / or ask her openly if there have been other times you've made her feel upset or angry that she's kept quiet about previously but would like you to acknowledge and address.

What would you advise and do you think OP has acted reasonably towards his partner considering the incident happened just five days ago?

It’s Friday. I have had wine. What is ofc?!!!

Quite obviously a reverse. These are rarely completely objective

Well we had a conversation about past. Main trigger was her father who behaved like this all the time. Found out about it yesterday. I can’t make you all believe if i’m kind and other things to her. I even don’t have to, i know, she knows and that’s what matters.