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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Splitting up/secret alcohol drinking

42 replies

BouncyBalls · 30/06/2022 19:08

Hello mums, can you give me some advice please. I cant really talk to anyone in real life. I think they would be shocked as on the surface “were happy”.

But im not. Ive noticed my DH has got into a habit of daily drinking (only in the evenings). If i mention it, i get “oh not this again”. He doesn't think he's got a problem but i think he does. Not to mention we’re skint. Alcohol seems to appear even though hes no money… i think he must think i cant see whats in his glass like, i see he has a drink but if he stands up to get another, he will hide the glass and go to the fridge when ive gone upstairs to the loo. He will open a can very quietly, gets rid of the evidence. The other day i found he had drank half a bottle of wine and stuffed the bottle in a bag at the back of a cupboard. Its a bit odd isnt it. Ive found empty beer bottles round the back of the sofa. If I mention it too him he will turn it round to be, “well you're always watching me”, “ive not got a problem” etc Complete denial.

i admit im on the verge of throwing the towel in and asking him to leave. Its not normal is it?

OP posts:

WOPTF · 30/06/2022 19:11

He definitely would appear to be an alcoholic. You can't help him if he wont accept he has a problem though. Are you prepared to stick with him if he seeks help? Or have you mentally checked out already?

April90 · 30/06/2022 19:16

Hiding alcohol and empty beer bottles is really wierd! It's like he doesn't want to fess up as then he will be forced to deal with it. He's sticking his head in the sand but obvs that's not fair on you or himself tbf. He needs to start owning his shit and I'd tell him if he refuses to acknowledge or discuss then he can leave and tell him you mean it. Sorry ur going through this, must be stressful 😩

HotDiggidy2017 · 30/06/2022 19:16

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re right, it’s not normal. He has an addiction and is very much in denial. There is absolutely nothing you can do that will help him without harming yourself - only he can help himself now. If children are involved then you are better to remove them from the situation, they will pick up on the issues from a shockingly young age and it will leave a mark. I’m sorry again you’re going through this, I hope you find a safe solution xx

HotDiggidy2017 · 30/06/2022 19:19

Oh and if you can, find someone in your life to talk to. You need a support system and you don’t have anything to be ashamed about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2022 19:27

No it’s not normal at all and it’s highly like he is an alcoholic. He’s hiding alcohol along with some of his empties (there may well be others hidden in and around your home), is not above blaming you for being “controlling” re his drinking and is in complete denial.

He may well refuse to leave however if you tell him to go. What will you do in the event this happens?. Are you at the point of ending your marriage now?. I would urge you to seek legal advice so you know where you stand. After all knowledge is power.

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and I would urge you to seek out support from Al-anon in the first instance. They are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking and at the very least read their literature.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are completely apart. You can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Original poster

BouncyBalls · 30/06/2022 22:48

Thanks for your responses. Yes i think im now at the point that i want to leave. Its like it slowly got to this over the years. There are children involved and i dont like that they see this. There is always an atmosphere when DH is there as we almost tread on eggshells or he will shout/no patience. When its just me and the kids its lovely and relaxed. Id like it like that always.
he makes me feel like im very controlling and he cant have fun (i dont drink). Like im watching him all the time. I probably am, subconsciously counting the drinks

tonight hes been to the pub with work mates for two pints, then bought a four pack home. Thats pretty usual for him daily. Its too much in my eyes

OP posts:

Joyfultoes · 30/06/2022 22:50

It depends. Is he hiding it because it’s excessive or because you jump on him for having a drink? I don’t think strangers declaring he’s an alcoholic helps.

if you want to leave though leave - you don’t need an excuse!!

TwoBlondes · 30/06/2022 23:01

You're describing my life when my children were small. I'd find empty bottles and receipts and would walk in on him swigging straight out of a vodka bottle after breakfast. It got progressively worse and caused huge financial issues and I finally got the courage to leave when they were mid teens, which wasn't ideal. Al Anon saved my sanity.

He's now dying but still claiming he doesn't have a problem and that the issue was that I didn't drink much/was a control freak. He lost his wife, his children, his house and his job.

Come on over to the Alcohol Support board

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2022 23:06

Your husband is an alcoholic and it's going to get far, far worse. Get out while you still have a shred of self-worth left.

Mememene · 30/06/2022 23:29

I am a recovering alcoholic who hasn't drank for many years. I don't like to label anyone else as alcoholic but I can tell you that hiding bottles is really common, alcoholics are very clever at hiding it, and finding a way to afford it when it could be spent on other things.

You can't change him, you can't stop is drinking, you didn't cause this and you cannot cure it.

What you can do is what is right for you and your children and that could mean putting him out. So be it. It may be this that is his rock bottom that will make him change, it may be that without you there he may well drink himself stupid. That's not your responsibility, it's his. Only he can change if he wants to but he's not even close, he's still in denial.

Talk to Al-Anon they are wonderful, they are there for the families of the alcoholic and will put your needs and your children's needs first

Mememene · 30/06/2022 23:32

TwoBlondes · 30/06/2022 23:01

He's now dying but still claiming he doesn't have a problem and that the issue was that I didn't drink much/was a control freak. He lost his wife, his children, his house and his job.

Come on over to the Alcohol Support board

There is a saying that alcohol to an alcoholic is a rapracious creditor, it takes everything that is important to you, your family, home job and then it comes back for you.

Sadly in your ex husband's case this is exactly true. Well done on getting out.

Mememene · 30/06/2022 23:34

TwoBlondes · 30/06/2022 23:01

He's now dying but still claiming he doesn't have a problem and that the issue was that I didn't drink much/was a control freak. He lost his wife, his children, his house and his job.

Come on over to the Alcohol Support board

Very interested in the Alcohol Support Board - where do I find it?

TwoBlondes · 01/07/2022 00:04

@Mememene just look under boards

Original poster

BouncyBalls · 01/07/2022 07:05

@TwoBlondes i was going to post on the alcohol board but thought id get more input on here

OP posts:

BritInAus · 01/07/2022 07:45

Please get out. Especially if there are kids involved. Don't wait around years listening to lies and deflection. It is unlikely to get better. pm me if you want to chat with someone who went through this. Life on the other side is so wonderful. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2022 08:32

If you're seeing all this then you can be sure that your children are seeing it and otherwise taking it all in as well. You need to plan our exit from this marriage also because his primary relationship is with alcohol and not you.

TwoBlondes · 01/07/2022 08:39

@BouncyBalls no problem, I hope you do! Best of luck, it's a horrible situation to be in, your decision has to be based on self preservation and what's best for your children, not him.

pointythings · 01/07/2022 08:51

Secret drinking is absolutely a sign that he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, as is attacking you over it. You're right to think this will affect your children. You can't make him stop - the only thing you can control is what you do about it. Given that he is fully in denial, that is likely to mean leaving the relationship and I suggest you start the process now. You should also seek support from Al-Anon or a similar group to help you with the feelings of guilt and to make you realise you are not alone.

I'm another survivor who is out on the other side - I stayed too long trying to 'fix' him and it all went very bad, but my life is great now.

fedup078 · 01/07/2022 08:59

You need to give an ultimatum
It's you or the drink
Mine chose the drink

pointythings · 01/07/2022 09:50

fedup078 · 01/07/2022 08:59

You need to give an ultimatum
It's you or the drink
Mine chose the drink

So did mine. The thing with an ultimatum is that it is only powerful if you follow through on it, so make sure you are ready in your own head to do that. I was, I probably had been ready for a couple of years, but not everyone is able to say 'this is it, enough is enough' and then act on that.

fedup078 · 01/07/2022 09:54

Definitely
It also helps with your own guilt over ending it that you laid it out at straight so they know the consequences in clear black and white. Then they choose the result .
I don't think mine actually believed I would ever end it . In fact he always said as much .
Still says I should have given him another chance though 🙄

StarDolphins · 01/07/2022 10:03

i’m going to go against the grain here & say if he’s have a few beers each night or couple of glasses of wine (half a bottle you referred to) then could he be hiding them as he feels like you’re ‘nagging’ I know quite a lot of people that drink a little most days & aren’t alcoholics & I have a friend who doesn’t drink & is constantly on at his gf who imo doesn’t even drink that much!

I know having a drink everyday isn’t the healthiest but doesn’t automatically equate to an alcoholic!

MissSmiley · 01/07/2022 10:40

I agree with @StarDolphins my ex husband hardly drank and would make a huge fuss if I had a glass of wine after work, such a boring nagger, it just made me want to drink more and no I'm not an alcoholic, I certainly drank a lot less after I left

pointythings · 01/07/2022 10:51

@MissSmiley and @StarDolphins OP describes him having 2 pints in the pub, bringing back a 4 pack as pretty usual for him. That's a minimum 10 units of alcohol in a single day. He hides his drinking. All of that is dysfunctional.

OP describes having to walk on eggshells and him being snappy with the kids. Again, dysfunctional.

Drinking alcohol in the UK is normalised to the point of being ridiculous. Sure, there are many people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol - I'm one of them. But OP's husband isn't one of them and minimising what he is doing because of your own (very different) experiences isn't helpful.

Original poster

BouncyBalls · 01/07/2022 10:52

I get what your saying @StarDolphins @MissSmiley . I probably do nag every so often when it comes to a point BUT he drinks a lot, i mean A LOT. When hes at home he would drink 4 cans on a week day evening plus half a bottle of wine. Weekends, its a free for all and starts drinking around 2pm to 11pm. One after the other, the glass is never empty. Would you nag or say something?

OP posts:

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