Splitting up/secret alcohol drinking

[BouncyBalls]

Hello mums, can you give me some advice please. I cant really talk to anyone in real life. I think they would be shocked as on the surface “were happy”.

But im not. Ive noticed my DH has got into a habit of daily drinking (only in the evenings). If i mention it, i get “oh not this again”. He doesn't think he's got a problem but i think he does. Not to mention we’re skint. Alcohol seems to appear even though hes no money… i think he must think i cant see whats in his glass like, i see he has a drink but if he stands up to get another, he will hide the glass and go to the fridge when ive gone upstairs to the loo. He will open a can very quietly, gets rid of the evidence. The other day i found he had drank half a bottle of wine and stuffed the bottle in a bag at the back of a cupboard. Its a bit odd isnt it. Ive found empty beer bottles round the back of the sofa. If I mention it too him he will turn it round to be, “well you're always watching me”, “ive not got a problem” etc Complete denial.

i admit im on the verge of throwing the towel in and asking him to leave. Its not normal is it?

@BouncyBalls you aren't nagging, you are rightly concerned. That level of daily drinking is hazardous to his health. It also affects his behaviour and his relationship with his children (and you). You're not nagging over nothing. I'm sure there are people out there who are very pearl clutchy over any alcohol in the household and that is unhelpful, but that isn't you.

My late husband drank like that. Note the word 'late' - it killed him at age 58, 12 days before the decree nisi was pronounced.

I am concerned @pointythings . Ive tried numerous different approaches over the years, ultimatums (that stupidly never followed through on). I just feel that im now done. Sick of him stinking of alcohol

problem is, he loves me so much, im going to tear his world apart. Its so difficult.

Mine did too op but I always think well if he loved me that much he would seek help and he didn't
He actually told me that asking him to stop drinking was a totally unreasonable request
And this is a man who blocked bottles of red at 7am

As other posters have suggested, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support there from others who have experienced the same thing.

@BouncyBalls you are in the exact same boat I was in back in 2017. I stayed for far too long hoping to change him and I should have known better. I also had DC involved.

My husband loved me, but his addiction meant he loved alcohol more. He too stank of alcohol, to the point where we slept separately because I couldn't sleep in that smell. What gave me the strength to stand by the ultimatum and push through was my DDs. They had no choice in the matter, they needed me to protect them and ultimately I had to put them first. It's the same for you. I don't know how old your DC are - mine were older teens. Their relationship with their father had no chance to recover (also because he was emotionally abusive because of the drink) and both have been left with lasting effects. Please help the people you can help - you should be putting yourself and your DC first now, and your husband a distant second.

Feel free to pm me too.

Whats difficult is the complete denial about it all. You question yourself. Am i a nag? Is this level of drinking “normal”? He says his drinking is normal but why does he go to great lengths to hide it? He has once before finished a bottle of wine off and refilled it with Ribena!! When i mentioned that to him, he of course turned it round to me - that i would have brought it up if i had of seen it. Its just crap it really is.
it all just leaves me in a confused state of how to move forwards.
i work, we have separate money, tenancy is in my name. I now need to rip off the plaster. Thats the hard bit 😕

He may well love you but his primary relationship is not with you, its with alcohol. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour re your H.

Your world, as well as your kids world view, is already being torn apart because of his alcoholism. Its not called the "family disease" without good reason and you're all being affected by his alcoholism.

He is already tearing his world apart anyway and you leaving with the kids won't likely change his overall attitude to drink. They cannot afford to grow up seeing this because they could well go onto repeat it themselves or in their own adult relationships.

Feel the fear and do it anyway in ripping the plaster off. You will ultimately thank yourself for doing that.

It awful isn't it
My mother was the same
So he used that to turn it round and tell me I just had mummy issues so looked for alcoholics everywhere and I was crazy and so on and so on
Everyone does it apparently . Otherwise why are the pubs open on a morning? Looked me dead in the eye and denied drinking the glass of wine I'd just seen disappear from the bottle at 10am. Told me the wine glass hidden in the cupboard every morning was from the night before even when I washed it and found it had been replaced by another . God honestly I could go on all day.
addicts lie that's what you need to remember

Oh yeah and thats reminded me @fedup078 he will wash up glasses and put them back in the cupboard so i dont see them (i hear him doing it)

I second what @AttilaTheMeerkat says - feel the fear, rip off the plaster anyway. Google 'support for families of alcoholics' and you will find several organisations you can contact for help, not just Al-Anon.

Addicts are master manipulators. They are excellent at lying and turning things round on you because they are protecting their addiction. I used to fall for it too, until the day I didn't and I realised that actually he was fully gaslighting me.

Let me offer you this little snippet:

My husband was taken away from our house on the 28th of December 2017, by the police, after threatening to kill me. And I didn't allow him to come back, knowing I had the support of the justice system.

On the 30th, I was on the landing when I heard my oldest DD singing in the shower. She hadn't done that for years because he would always shout at her for making noise.

I burst into tears, and I knew I had done the right thing.

Mine didn't even bother washing it . Clearly because he wanted to use it again 🙄

If he'd ever said he knew he had a problem and needed help and could I help him? That he'd do anything to keep the family together etc then things may have been different

But it was always denial denial denial and if ever there was a half arsed admission it was usually retracted later

When he really fcked up and went to his mothers for a few days he'd always be full of remorse until he got his foot in the door again and then it would turn to anger and back to denial and turning it on me

You really need to give one last ultimatum and stick to it

I think all alcoholics get a certificate in advanced gaslighting. Even now, years later, I'm finding out I was right about certain things when he convinced me otherwise.

Yeah thats what it definitely feels like- gaslighting

Unfortunately alcoholics will do what it takes to protect their compulsion to drink and sorry is meaningless. You have to do what's right for you and your children. You know that.

I need to just do this. I suppose im trying to minimise the fall out but i cant it’s impossible. I just need to do it, get it over and done with. He has a sibling he could move in with or parents temporarily. Ive got to do whats best for me and the children 😣

My MIL was like this hiding glasses behind curtains etc. The problem I had when we married was it was okay for men to drink but if I did he would count every sip which was irritating .

The amount your OH is drinking I hope he isn't the following morning driving or operating machinery