Red Flags everywhere, 9 years in

[ConfusedBubble]

Hi All.

I have another thread about my relationship. And I know it's bad, I know it should be over. I just can't do it. I know I will get flamed for saying that and I am sorry - I have been torn down so much over the last 9 years, I'm waiting on him doing something huge to give me the 'walk away' strength.

Anyway, a couple of things;
Last week we were sitting on the sofa, he was scrolling through TikTok and one of those MGTOW videos came on, I switched off and wasn't really listening, but it was about not trusting women. He then said,
"I've followed you before, to see if you were parked where you said. There was one time I even called one of your mates because I couldn't find your car. You remember? You said to me they said they thought Steve had called. Your car wasn't there. Oh yeah, I've followed you a few times".
I didn't know what to say to this. I was flabbergasted. I am always where I say I am. I don't recall the 'incident' above at all. We had friends coming over so said nothing more of it. He has a history of not being where he says he is.

The weekend he had a hissy fir because I washed a t-shirt that he needed that day - I had inadvertently picked it up with my stuff and thrown it in with the rest of the darks (it is grey) (I apologised and said this is what happened). He said did I not notice when I was hanging it out. I said no, I don't actually pay that much attention to the clothes! There was no argument there but he managed to create one.

I just got myself a new FitBit. Last night I got in the bath and he looked at it (on the side) and said "is that how many steps you're supposed to have done? You've been sat down at work all day!"
All I could say was it isn't accurate. All I'd done was walk from the car to the office, office to the shop for a drink, and office to car - I'd been home from 2 pm and cleaned out fish tanks and the like. Obviously, it picks up on arm movements, not steps. When he saw it it was 4,250 steps, by the time I went to bed 90 minutes later it was over 5,300 (I didn't point this out as I didn't want an argument).

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I half expect him to turn up at my office today, to make sure I'm here. He's been over-nice this morning. Either that, or he will be 'unavailable' today to make me think he's up to something. Sad truth is, I don't care - I wish he was, though even then he'd still paint me as the bad person.

Sorry for the long post, it's hugely helpful to just rant sometimes, and I don't have anyone IRL I can tell the nitty gritty to

You're essentially choosing to sit in a fire and complaining about being too hot.

Start analysing what it is that makes you unable to leave. Waiting for him to 'do something really bad' is you choosing to make him responsible for your decision to leave.

Take responsibility for yourself. Nobody can make your life better except you, so the question is, how long do you want to keep your life like this?

So many red flags
🚩
When are you going to leave him?

I know. I seem to be into emotional self-harm.

I feel responsible for him. He doesn't earn and I feel like he would completely crash and burn without me. It would feel like turning my back and leaving him helpless.

I know all of these things are ridiculous. I know he is a grown man and he will have to sort himself out. I KNOW all of this, so why can't I just walk away?

No kids, no joint accounts, all I'd need to do is pack up my clothes and my pets. But something stops me. Every. Single. Time.

I'm making myself miserable.

You learned this somewhere. You learned that however bad you feel, the only option is to put up with being treated poorly, and to look after the person who's treating you that way.

When did this happen in your childhood? Parent who drank? Parents who argued? Sibling always more important than you? Parents critical of you?

Where does it stem from? It's not something you are, it's something you've learned to do. If you can get to the bottom of it, it'll help you see it as a pattern, rather than a bit of you that's to be called 'stupid' and 'ridiculous'. It'll help you to recognise that this is something you learned to do to protect yourself, by keeping the peace. It's a sensible strategy, but not for your current situation.

You are not responsible for him.
Enough said.

Thanks, @Watchkeys . My mum was in a toxic relationship for 23 years. When it was good it was great, but they would separate for weeks, sometimes months, then he would come back with a takeaway and a shopping trip and it would start all over again. This was from when I was about 6.. My mum would be devastated if she read that - I do not blame her in any way for my current state.

My relationship before this one ended physically violently, I had two broken ribs, that was easy to not go back to. I find emotional torture harder to walk away from.

@Littlebirdyouaresosweet I know, my sensible, away from it all, sat in the office head knows that. It's my emotional head that I can't switch off.

OK, so it makes sense, then. That's the example you've been set of what an adult relationship looks like.

What do you think a healthy relationship looks like? How do you think a person should use their boundaries? What boundaries do you think a person should set? And who for?

Why doesn't he earn? how does he pay his share of food and bills? how long has he not been earning for.

MGTOW stuff? Leave now. Run away!

Please allow yourself the nice life you could be having just you and your pets. This sounds like just a different sort of abusive relationship you’ve ended up in, but the lack of violence has fooled you into staying. Please please kick him out or move out.

@Watchkeys I hold my brother's relationship as a good one; they live together, mortgage, child, one joint account in which each month they both pay the same in to, from there all the bills, food, holidays etc., are paid, the rest is there own. They share the chores, they sit and watch tv together. All the small things, you know? I don't know anything about boundaries. I don't think I have any, and I know that's not healthy.

@Bananalanacake He stopped work due to Covid, fully, but before that, his earnings had been minimal (less than £5k a year). He has a very niche skill and could charge a lot, but it has physically impacted him and now he doesn't want to go back to it. I have paid for everything for almost 8 years, with the exception of the odd (I mean 2 or 3 over that time) gas bill. I buy all the food, pay all the bills (everything), fuel, meals, family presents, the lot. I started this because a year after we moved in together (it's his house, owned outright), he told me I wasn't bringing enough to the table. This stuck and so I overcompensated and now it has backfired.

@Pearlyqueen21 I know. It really pisses me off because he has never been treated badly by a woman, not to the extent that he would like you to believe. His first girlfriend cheated on him, but hey-ho he was 21 and shit happens. He has promised all of his GFs marriage and kids, and they've all ended up leaving because it never materialised (I only know this through his mum - she is lovely and is very worried about me). I am so tempted to just say go on then, go your own way!

Do you think seeking help from a counsellor might help me make the change and leave? I am so stuck, and scared, and lonely

You don't need a counsellor, you need us to tell you he is using you for your money, what a useless sponger. You earn yourself so you could easily move out, get a room in a house share, could you go to a relative's house. Having no DC makes it much easier.

Until you learn to value yourself more you will not believe that you deserve better. I used to be in a relationship with a man who would belittle me at every opportunity. I would spend hours cleaning and cooking and he would focus on the bit of dust I missed, or the lack of salt in the food. It demoralised me to a shadow of myself.

The GP referred me to talking therapies, I learnt a tool box of skills to start building up my confidence and self esteem until I felt ready to leave him. It was not an over night thing but I walked out 12 years ago and now I have the best life.

Once you value yourself you are much more aware of the 'right' people to let in to your life and less easy for people to prey on.

Take the steps to start believing in yourself - see your worth!

@Bananalanacake I need to get the strength, the emotional courage, to get out. To walk away.

I never, ever thought I'd be in a situation like this. If it was a friend I'd be echoing exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain but it's so difficult on this side of the line. I know it shouldn't be, of course I do, but it is, and that's what I need to change. I know everything that is wrong with the situation, I am struggling to get myself out of it. Like being stuck in a rip tide - just let it take you and you'll be out, don't swim against it, and that's what I'm doing, I'm swimming. I need to stop and not be scared of drowning.

Thank you @MixedMarriageMadness . There is a self-referral CBT programme here, I will contact them. I can only talk to them when I'm in the office, but it's a start.

I'm so pleased you were able to get away from your situation. I get the belittling, too - it's horrible, it's dehumanising, it's so slow and gradual you don't notice until the You you were is not there anymore..

That is why it is so abusive, you stop reacting to it and it becomes normalised, when actually you deserve so much more for yourself.

You've got this!

You are wasting the best years of your life. I too think some sort of counselling would be of benefit to you

I found counselling helpful so it's possible it might help you.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Are you familiar with the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) concept? This is really key as it sounds like you feel a sense of obligation to him. You need to move beyond that.

I know it's hard but you can do it.

Thank you - and thank you for reading the vent, it's a huge step in making it all real and trying to get it through to my emotional bell-end of a brain that it's not a good situation

In life you should ALWAYS try and take fear out of any decision. Look at your situation, what would you advice someone in your position to do? Once you know that follow with actions.

trying to get it through to my emotional bell-end of a brain

How do you expect anybody to gain 'emotional courage' when they're being referred to in this way?

If there was a child who was struggling emotionally, would you tell them that they were a bell end? How do you think it would make them feel if you did?

You have been socialised to take care of people, to put yourself second.

But you are not a support human for other people. You have your own life and dreams

Right now you are sacrificing your life to support someone who is abusing you.

Get some support in real life, find somewhere you can go. Pack up your animals and your stuff and go.

These MGTOW are toxic. The irony is he isn't he solely reliant on you.

You'll be doing you both a favour.

Don't worry, the "something big" will come and you will leave - on a stretcher or worse. I think leaving on your own two feet is more comfortable 🤔 but then again, sometimes pain is comfortable too.

He won't fall apart without you, OP. Men like this rant and rave when you leave and then move on pretty fast. That's no reflection on you at all, it's just how they operate.

Don't waste your time on him (your fertile years too, if this is important to you?) You owe him nothing and he's sucking all the joy from you. This is not what love looks like.

Counselling sounds like a good option, but don't use it to delay too much longer. I know it's scary, but so is living the rest of your life with a man who hates you (and all women, probably).

@ConfusedBubble You can leave without any financial repercussions - he owns the house - you are not stuck with a rental agreement - you can look at a rent a room and get yourself out of there - he wants you to feel little and small as with you not there to pay for everything he will have to get off his lazy arse and work .
Does he do any of the housework or does he expect you to do that as wells as earn all the money ???

What a prize of a man....NOT

You are enabling this behaviour by staying - that ‘feeling responsible’ that’s your sun conscious making excuses so you don’t have to do anything about it. It’s the message you tell yourself as to why you are still there.

His behaviour is unhealthy.
You can’t fix him. If he doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour why are you even staying.

you are wasting your life and carrying him through life whilst he sits backs and let’s you but also works on keeping you anxious and isolated by making you feel worried about going or doing anything for what hw will say.

All the ‘I didn’t say anything as it would start another argument…’ - that’s you allowing him to walk over you and knowing his behaviour is wrong.

leave.

he needs to stand on his own two feet.

you need to work on your boundaries etc.

you shouldn’t be together.