I just found out I was groomed

[Saltysweets]

Hello,
Just needed to talk to someone. Apologies, that it’s quite long. Please read and help me think through my next steps though. I have no one to share this with

As mentioned in the title, I’ve just found out in a counselling session that I was effectively groomed age 16 to the man I’m now married to for 15 years.

My husband is 9 years older and is a well respected man in the community with a rather well-paying job. When I met him aged 16, he was then aged 24 and had been working as a physio after leaving medical school. I remember him being rather cocky and cool. Was continually pushing my boundaries and he confused me a great deal when he said he loved me when he was already in a platonic relationship with another girl (also my age!).

I remember being so confused as I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and had only wanted a shoulder to cry on as I was being bullied at school and had very low self worth. My parents were emotionally distant and cared more for my sisters than me and I was desperate for some affection that I could get anywhere.

A few months after I turned 21 (legal age for marriage in my home country) he insisted I marry him when I asked him to wait. He got angry and caused a big fuss. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and we briefly broke up. He came back to me and got me to agree somehow and we married in secret with our friends as witnesses. I told my family and his family didn’t know for three years after!.

At this point, I’d moved to UK to be with him and almost immediately he turned controlling and abusive. He’s never once hit me, but has shouted at me, hovered over me, manipulated me into doing things and controlled our finances. 8 months into the marriage, he made me have an abortion. I regretted it greatly and was traumatised.

I’d felt deeply unhappy during every one of the past 15 years. After two kids (10 & 4), during the pandemic, I’d decided I had enough and got myself a job after a decade of being a SAHM.

Next, I secretly contacted a Domestic Violence charity and started counselling sessions with them. I’d mostly thought he was abusing me emotionally and wanted help dealing with his narcissistic personality through the sessions. After I detailed how I’d met him, my counsellor pointed out that he had groomed me. I couldn’t say I was exactly shocked, as I knew he was an expert manipulator.

I grieved in secret for a few weeks over not finding out sooner and having fallen for a predator. I’m just thinking what now? What do I do now that I’ve accidentally discovered that my marriage was based on a relationship I was groomed into?

Ive thought about confronting my husband and revealing it to him, but am aware that he will either deny it or say it was unintentional and that he actually did/does love make. He could get more abusive in turn.

I do not want to divorce him although I dream of finding someone my own age sometimes. The thought of starting all over as a single parent is also appealing to me.

I should add that he can be rather nice and charming most of the time. I have also learned to stand up for myself and oppose him these days.
I’m still confused as to what I need to do though.

Is there hope for a marriage like mine? Any advice?

You say you’ve felt deeply unhappy for every one of the last 15 years? On that basis (plus everything else you’ve said) I’m not sure why you wouldn’t want to divorce him? Ps Kudos to you for getting a job and seeking counselling, that takes a lot of get up and go x

Living your life feeling deeply unhappy is no way to live.

You have gone from a childhood where you felt unloved into a relationship that you entered when you were desperate for love and attention. Yes, abusive or manipulative men do look for emotionally vulnerable women, you were emotionally vulnerable and young. Now, 15 years deeply unhappy.

In your shoes I would leave with the kids, and invest in yourself. Find out how you make yourself happy. Happy, strong, resilient and buoyant on self esteem.

THEN dream of someone who you choose as much as he chooses you, and makes you deeply happy.

Great work, finding a job.

Keep on going to the counsellor. They will let you talk it all through, and then you will be able to decide what to do. If you have been unhappy all these years, and it appears so from your post, then help is available for you to leave this relationship.

Keep posting here, and I'm sure others will be along with advice on how to do that.

@Wombat100 Thank you. Over the years, from reading many books and blogs, I’d figured out that his behaviour to me when dating wasn’t normal. That set the stage for a marriage full of emotional abuse I guess. Hence sought out the counselling in secret.

I don’t know why but I feel like he might change his narcissistic ways with some therapy/12 step process. He is a terrific father and my children adore him. Most of his behaviour is culturally learned. He is also morally very upright, will never cheat on me, has never drunk/smoked or even cussed. There is just this part of him that is misogynistic and patriarchal. Am I wrong in holding out hope that he might change/improve his ways? Just thinking out loud.

@SausageAndCash @gingersplodgecat Thank you. I’ve been only work for three months, but the difference that has brought to me confidence is amazing. My husband was very hesitant and resistant when I started work that I was disrupting the balance at home after being a SAHM for many years. He was annoyed that he had to do majority of the school runs and would get grumpy often.

I persisted and we’ve managed to get into a routine despite all the whingeing.

I feel like the power imbalance for my marriage was already set when he groomed/dated me at 16. In my counsellor’s words my marriage wasn’t founded on solid ground. She is still suggesting that I try couple’s counselling before planning my exit. I’m worried my husband might turn abusive after I disclose the grooming.

Is there hope for a marriage like mine?

hope of what? Him becoming a whole different person? No!

are you saying that a domestic abuse counsellor is telling you to do couples counselling with your husband? If so she is very badly misinformed. You should never do couple counselling with an abusive partner and she should know that.

I'm afraid your only safe and rational option is to separate. I appreciate you aren't ready to do that yet but that's what you need to do.

What the other respondents have written. Do not ever undergo any joint counselling with your abuser also because you are not emotionally safe enough with him.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. No 12 step program will help him and he absolutely feels entitled to do what he has done to you ie groom and abuse you. He also feels no remorse for his crimes and he indeed targeted you deliberately.

He is NOT a terrific father to his children if he has and continues to abuse you as their mother like he does. Women in poor relationships write such when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Better also to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Staying for a lifestyle or for the supposed sake of the kids will do you and they no favours at all.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid in the event you have not done this.

What are you hoping to gain by talking to him about the grooming ? You say he's narcissistic and controlling, it doesn't sound like he'll admit or be remorseful.

A therapist from a domestic violence charity is advising you to start couples counselling with your abuser? That is terrible advice.

Can you afford to seek out another counsellor? You are being given conflicting views by this one and poor advice.

You sound as though you've developed a form of Stockholm syndrome as a coping mechanism after living your entire (adult) life controlled by an abusive manipulator.

It's going to take a lot of therapy and time away from him to see your situation for what it is, and to see your husband for who he is.

It may be a long drawn out process, but your end goal is freedom away from your abusive husband.

I get that you were emotionally manipulated into marrying before you wanted to but in what way were you groomed?

OK so op, you know what a psychopath is right? We your partner is either a psychopath or someone with a similar personality disorder. He cannot be fixed because he not broken - he just isn't like us. He is a predator. And you are his prey.

Is there any point in going 'hey, lion! You're a lion! Stop chewing on my leg!' of course not. It knows it's a lion and it intends to chew on your leg. And it'll do anything it can to keep chewing! Even, try and convince you you are wrong to make a fuss about it eating you alive.

Op, you need to get away from him. The goodness you see, is just a con. It is yourself being reflected back at you through the lions eyes. A mask he wears to keep you bamboozled.

No one would stay with an abuser if they saw their real darkness all the time. That's why it's called the cycle of abuse.

Start taking steps to get out. Don't let this monster have any more of your life. Show your kids that thry shouldn't stay with abusive people. Or they too, will go on to find themselves in abusive relationships.

Adults can groom other adults. It's a process of manipulation, building an impression of an emotional bond, trust, isolating the person to gain control and pushing boundaries in order to abuse or exploit the victim. The perpetrator is usually older and in a position of authority, the victim usually vulnerable and isolated without a support network.

In all intents and purposes, a sixteen year-old school girl is a child, although perhaps not in the eyes of the law.
I think a label of "grooming" is pretty apt; calling it "emotional manipulation" doesn't really change anything.

you cant change a narcissistic Groomer.
Yes you were groomed. She showed you how mature and cool he was and made you believe it was all real when really he was just a predator preying on young girls that were young enough to be naive to his ways.

When I was 14 I dated a 22 year old. he was gorgeous and everyone loved him so I thought I was so lucky. Its only now that I see.. I dated a pedo. nothing else, just a pedo.

when i was 13* actually so even worse, Ugh makes me shiver

From the OP;

"Most of his behaviour is culturally learned....There is just this part of him that is misogynistic and patriarchal.

My parents were emotionally distant and cared more for my sisters than me and I was desperate for some affection that I could get anywhere.

I should add that he can be rather nice and charming most of the time. I have also learned to stand up for myself and oppose him these days."

So you've got a man who's only terms of reference is a male dominated culture and a woman who's desperate for affection. He acts as he believes is his duty and right under his culture, one that is unacceptable to the OP.

Will he change? Probably not - it's too big a culture change and too late for him but to label him a predator, a narcissist, a pyschopath is verging on the hysterical.

The OP might be able to achieve more of a balance in her relationship with her confidence and knowledge that she has the option to leave him - only she can decide if she wants to put in the sustained effort that will take.

Your post has conflicting messages and I think because you have been controlled and manipulated for so long, you're second guessing yourself. That is pretty common - you've effectively been groomed to not know your own mind. So on one hand you say you've been deeply unhappy for the entire marriage but then you say he's nice and charming and you don't want to divorce him. My heart goes out to you!

I would suggest you continue with your counselling and get to a point where you can really understand your own mind, needs and wants. You will then be able to make the decision to leave without looking back or second guessing your own choices. Being deeply unhappy is no way to live!

I do not want to divorce him

Sounds like you'd be immensely relieved if he divorced you, though.

you can't change him.

if he came to you and said 'I realise I've done the wrong thing and need to change', there might be space to work. but you can't make him realise that and you can't make him want to change.

Work on leaving him. you need to keep yourself and your children safe, and you will never be safe when he is there and trying to control you.

Why don't you want to divorce him?

in all likelihood he has zero insight into his behaviour. You have worked it all out but that doesn’t mean he has. People have all sorts of ways of behaving for reasons they don’t understand or acknowledge, usually they have been damaged in childhood and are behaving as they have been taught to or have had to as a means of survival.

Even if your husband is aware that his behaviour is bad, he is t going to change. At least not without a lot of hard work and the supply of a professional.

It may sound strange but to a point you are best to forget about him and just focus on your own recovery. You’re going great guns, just keep working at it.

Are there religious or cultural reasons for not wanting a divorce?
Do you have friends you can talk to?
Can the DA charity help you leave? Is there somewhere you can run to?
You have been manipulated. I'm sorry this has happened to you. He knew he could manipulate you because of your unhappy childhood. You are entitled to be happy, you know that, don't you? Work towards being happy...by eventually leaving him. He's not going to change.

He can't change.

You should divorce him.

It may take you a looong time to come around to this though, and that's OK. You have a lot of things to unpick and you have to totally re-learn how to adult because all of your patterns are based around him.

But two things:

He will not - cannot - change. Stop expecting that, that's like expecting the moon to warm you up.

You must not go through joint counselling with an abusive manipulator. Keep going with your own counselling, try the Freedom programme online too?

Do not underestimate how powerful going back to work is by the way, that's your first, huge, step to freedom. Keep posting. We're here for you when you're ready.

You can do what is called 'The Freedom Programme' online.

It sounds like you have got a great counsellor. Sessions like that can be very very hard to do and you have been very brave.

Now that you have this knowledge it will be difficult if not impossible to go backwards. That is a good thing. There are challenges ahead but you will meet them.

@Eyesopenwideawake

During the pandemic I slipped back into despondency and felt I was utterly and literally trapped with him in lockdown. The GP prescribed fluoxetine(Prozac) to cope and I developed a lot of stress responses (& self harming) in that time.

The pivotal moment of change came when I went on rabbit trail on the internet googling things about abusive marriages and ended up reading Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘ How does he do that’

It felt like someone had flipped a switch, and for the first time I could see clearly who he was. I decided then on finding a job, which took a year of applying and interviewing with various employees to find one that suits my abilities and to fit around my little ones.

However it was my counsellor who picked up on the grooming after about 5 sessions of relating my story. I kept asking her if she was sure it was grooming as a part of me didn’t want it to be true. She then told me that emotional abuse/grooming is very hard to spot and most women don’t realise until decades later. I’ve been to other counsellors but not ones who focuses on domestic violence and they’ve all missed or glossed over these subtle signs of manipulation.

While you are right that he might not be a predator any longer, he did prey on me and has me under his clutches quite clearly. I am only now taking my power back. He does not like this new resistance he sees in me but I cannot live like I used to any longer.

I felt dead on the inside all along and something came alive when the counsellor gave me language and words for the abuse I was put through since the time I knew him.

My counsellor also told me that although he did prey on me, that he has a lot of redeeming qualities. That we are all both good and bad on any given day, though in varying shades. In her experience over the decades, she has seen far worse and there can be hope in some cases where abuse is mostly from ignorance and cultural learning.