Hello,
Just needed to talk to someone. Apologies, that it’s quite long. Please read and help me think through my next steps though. I have no one to share this with
As mentioned in the title, I’ve just found out in a counselling session that I was effectively groomed age 16 to the man I’m now married to for 15 years.
My husband is 9 years older and is a well respected man in the community with a rather well-paying job. When I met him aged 16, he was then aged 24 and had been working as a physio after leaving medical school. I remember him being rather cocky and cool. Was continually pushing my boundaries and he confused me a great deal when he said he loved me when he was already in a platonic relationship with another girl (also my age!).
I remember being so confused as I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and had only wanted a shoulder to cry on as I was being bullied at school and had very low self worth. My parents were emotionally distant and cared more for my sisters than me and I was desperate for some affection that I could get anywhere.
A few months after I turned 21 (legal age for marriage in my home country) he insisted I marry him when I asked him to wait. He got angry and caused a big fuss. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and we briefly broke up. He came back to me and got me to agree somehow and we married in secret with our friends as witnesses. I told my family and his family didn’t know for three years after!.
At this point, I’d moved to UK to be with him and almost immediately he turned controlling and abusive. He’s never once hit me, but has shouted at me, hovered over me, manipulated me into doing things and controlled our finances. 8 months into the marriage, he made me have an abortion. I regretted it greatly and was traumatised.
I’d felt deeply unhappy during every one of the past 15 years. After two kids (10 & 4), during the pandemic, I’d decided I had enough and got myself a job after a decade of being a SAHM.
Next, I secretly contacted a Domestic Violence charity and started counselling sessions with them. I’d mostly thought he was abusing me emotionally and wanted help dealing with his narcissistic personality through the sessions. After I detailed how I’d met him, my counsellor pointed out that he had groomed me. I couldn’t say I was exactly shocked, as I knew he was an expert manipulator.
I grieved in secret for a few weeks over not finding out sooner and having fallen for a predator. I’m just thinking what now? What do I do now that I’ve accidentally discovered that my marriage was based on a relationship I was groomed into?
Ive thought about confronting my husband and revealing it to him, but am aware that he will either deny it or say it was unintentional and that he actually did/does love make. He could get more abusive in turn.
I do not want to divorce him although I dream of finding someone my own age sometimes. The thought of starting all over as a single parent is also appealing to me.
I should add that he can be rather nice and charming most of the time. I have also learned to stand up for myself and oppose him these days.
I’m still confused as to what I need to do though.
Is there hope for a marriage like mine? Any advice?