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Original poster

Partners relationship with ex wife

51 replies

Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:46

Been in a relationship for 3 years, my partner separated from his wife two years before we met. They had agreed to split when their daughter was 10 but stayed living together until she left school, sep rooms and lives etc for 6 years just lived under the same roof.
he’s a good guy and I trust him but his close relationship with his ex wife is becoming an issue, it’s great that they get on etc but the non stop texts from her day in day out (all day all night) is getting a bit too much.

It feels like she leans on him for emotional support and he’s a nice guy so wouldn’t ignore her etc. the ex wife is with someone else now and I know 100% they both have zero desire to get back together.

how would you feel and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
imsuchawally · 29/06/2022 16:49

If you know 100% that they have zero desire to het back together then I'd just let them get on with it. It's best all round. They have a child together so they will always be in each others lives.

Much better for everyone involved (especially the child) if everyone gets on. Give me that over a toxic bitter split that drains the life out of you for years after any day.

SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 16:51

It's too unhealthy to rely that much on an ex. Issues about the children fine. Anything else crosses boundaries and will stop them moving on fully.

Orgasmagorical · 29/06/2022 16:55

how would you feel and what would you do in my situation?

How do you feel? Have you broached the subject with him?

Ravenclawdropout · 29/06/2022 16:56

Anyone texting day and night sounds insecure. I am happily married but I don't want constant texts and calls from DH when we are apart. Same with my young adult kids, we are very close but we don't contact each other all the time.

Are you sure its this frequent? Or does it just feel this way because you feel uncomfortable with their friendship? What does she text about? If it's their dd then fine. Texting ANYONE all the time seems weird to me.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:56

imsuchawally · 29/06/2022 16:49

If you know 100% that they have zero desire to het back together then I'd just let them get on with it. It's best all round. They have a child together so they will always be in each others lives.

Much better for everyone involved (especially the child) if everyone gets on. Give me that over a toxic bitter split that drains the life out of you for years after any day.

I hear what your saying but it’s the non stop conversations that her name crops up into day in day out. It was her that called time on their relationship she left him with a lot of debt and feels to me when you leave a relationship you shouldn’t then get to choose which bits of the relationship to keep so she still wants his emotional support. Am I wrong to think that’s “too much”…. Oh and her DIY 😏

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 16:57

Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:56

I hear what your saying but it’s the non stop conversations that her name crops up into day in day out. It was her that called time on their relationship she left him with a lot of debt and feels to me when you leave a relationship you shouldn’t then get to choose which bits of the relationship to keep so she still wants his emotional support. Am I wrong to think that’s “too much”…. Oh and her DIY 😏

Show quote history

I don't think he's over her if he's talking that much about her

SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 16:58

And its him you should be annoyed with for having shit boundaries

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:58

My friends say “it’s a consequence of a nice guy”

OP posts:
HoneysuckleBeanstalk · 29/06/2022 16:59

I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who lives with their ex.

RedWingBoots · 29/06/2022 16:59

I would suggest to him that while it's good that he remains friendly with is ex-wife that he needs to remember that he is no longer in a relationship with her and shouldn't be her emotional crutch for things that don't involve their child.

Also point out as their child is now an older teen and while she will want her parents to be friendly with one another, she won't want them discussing her everyday life behind her back.

RedWingBoots · 29/06/2022 17:00

Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:58

My friends say “it’s a consequence of a nice guy”

It's a consequence of someone who doesn't know how to put in boundaries that allow for respect from themselves and the people around them.

OhJanet · 29/06/2022 17:00

Honestly, I wouldn't be happy with that even if I was sure there was no going back for them.

They're still entangled and clearly she relies on him for things outside of the parental boundary.

Talk to him, tell him it makes you uncomfortable and see what he says. He might not realise. Then go from there.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:02

HoneysuckleBeanstalk · 29/06/2022 16:59

I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who lives with their ex.

He doesn’t still live with her he lives on his own since they split when their daughter left school

OP posts:
Scabbyknackers · 29/06/2022 17:05

Hm. If what you say about the frequency isn't exaggerated then that's a great deal of contact, especially if the daughter is now older. I wouldn't begrudge anyone an amicable relationship with a coparent but at the same time wouldn't want to hear their ex's name all the time and they don't need to be texting constantly. They are both in relationships which means that any comment about this will likely be batted back saying 'we've both moved on'. I would raise this. Let him know just how much his ex's name comes up and exactly what you want, I.e. not to cut her dead but for yours to be his primary relationship. I don't think he's fully over her and it suits her to allow him access to very select parts of the past to keep that closeness, some kind of a comfort blanket for both of them. Be clear in your mind whether or not if it continues, you're prepared to walk over this.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:06

OhJanet · 29/06/2022 17:00

Honestly, I wouldn't be happy with that even if I was sure there was no going back for them.

They're still entangled and clearly she relies on him for things outside of the parental boundary.

Talk to him, tell him it makes you uncomfortable and see what he says. He might not realise. Then go from there.

I agree, I think this is the way to go, I just need to chose my words carefully. Totally get they are on good terms and that is a really good thing but there needs to be some boundaries I just don’t want it to be a case of he just becomes secretive and not tell me about his contact with her. He said to me the other day he’s so glad he’s out of her life and her nightmare families life but she still consults/leans on him over her issues with her wider family

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:09

RedWingBoots · 29/06/2022 17:00

It's a consequence of someone who doesn't know how to put in boundaries that allow for respect from themselves and the people around them.

Show quote history

I agree with this too, it disappoints me that he’s not had the balls to establish boundaries off his own back without me having to have words about it 😟

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 29/06/2022 17:12

You sound a bit insecure. And I am sure ‘all day and all night’ texting is an exaggeration.
And you seem to want to control what kind of relationship he has with his ex given what you think it should look like.
And again - it seems to come from some place of possessiveness, or some sort of competition to his previous relationship.

There are a few scenarios possible here. You ruin this relationship by trying to get between him and the mother of his daughter. He may go along with your demands, but it will cause resentment. Or, he sees through you and leaves to find someone better suited.

You realise you have a good guy who has chosen to be with you. He happens to have had a life before you. His exW relies on him a bit more than you’d preferred but with time it will subside as time passes and her relationship with her partner develops. His exW is his sort of extended family member by now and you have understood and got used to it.

You chose.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:22

MMmomDD · 29/06/2022 17:12

You sound a bit insecure. And I am sure ‘all day and all night’ texting is an exaggeration.
And you seem to want to control what kind of relationship he has with his ex given what you think it should look like.
And again - it seems to come from some place of possessiveness, or some sort of competition to his previous relationship.

There are a few scenarios possible here. You ruin this relationship by trying to get between him and the mother of his daughter. He may go along with your demands, but it will cause resentment. Or, he sees through you and leaves to find someone better suited.

You realise you have a good guy who has chosen to be with you. He happens to have had a life before you. His exW relies on him a bit more than you’d preferred but with time it will subside as time passes and her relationship with her partner develops. His exW is his sort of extended family member by now and you have understood and got used to it.

You chose.

You’ve made quite a few assumptions there.
if I was that insecure I would have walked 3 years ago, my relationship with my child’s partner broke down over ten years ago so I understand it can take a while to “fully separate” lives etc that’s why I’ve been patient. If anything I think it’s his ex wife that’s not managing to stand on her own two feet especially now she has a partner. I know she struggled when I got together with my partner, it made her feel insecure and felt like she was loosing him etc.

clear boundaries need to be set, I am very willing to walk if things don’t change. I’m going to point out a few things to him, if he doesn’t then sort it off his own back then i don’t want to be In that type of relationship with someone that weak …I will walk …

OP posts:
OhJanet · 29/06/2022 17:25

If you told my DH that his ex wife was part of his 'extended family' he'd piss himself laughing.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:30

OhJanet · 29/06/2022 17:25

If you told my DH that his ex wife was part of his 'extended family' he'd piss himself laughing.

🤣
I just feel disappointed in my partner, he takes on her stresses and he really doesn’t need to

OP posts:
Vikinga · 29/06/2022 17:30

They sound like good friends. Obviously if they lived together for 6 years with no desire to get back together, their friendship wouldn't bother me.

limitededitionbarbie · 29/06/2022 17:39

Vikinga · 29/06/2022 17:30

They sound like good friends. Obviously if they lived together for 6 years with no desire to get back together, their friendship wouldn't bother me.

I agree. If they have lived together as friends for that amount of time they obviously get on well. If they were interested in each other romantically they would have gotten back together in the time they lived together.

I think they are just good friends now.

Sone people like to be relied on and like to help people. It makes them feel happy.

imsuchawally · 29/06/2022 17:43

@Nononoandno I do understand to be honest op. It's not easy, what is your relationship like with your dp? Do you feel he puts more effort into his friendship with her than he does in your relationship?

The only reason I say what I have is that my husbands relationship with his ex is awful. It's toxic. 6 years it's been going on, he can't do anything right and I'm to blame for everything yet I have a lovely relationship with my step son. I adore him.

I often wish they could just be friends. I think a good balance is somewhere in between both. Friendly and amicable for the sake of the kids. They can sit together on sports days, both parents at birthday parties but that's as far as it goes. As long as the kids are happy parents then that's all the matters

CallOnMe · 29/06/2022 17:44

It sounds like they’re still best friends but just fell out of love with each other.

After separating 5 years ago you’d think they would naturally have less and less contact over time.

How old is their DD now?

Tbh if she’s got a new partner and I know they’re not interested in getting back together then it wouldn’t bother me. I would just see it like one of his male best friends.

Are you sure you’re not worried about them wanting to get back together?

Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 17:52

imsuchawally · 29/06/2022 17:43

@Nononoandno I do understand to be honest op. It's not easy, what is your relationship like with your dp? Do you feel he puts more effort into his friendship with her than he does in your relationship?

The only reason I say what I have is that my husbands relationship with his ex is awful. It's toxic. 6 years it's been going on, he can't do anything right and I'm to blame for everything yet I have a lovely relationship with my step son. I adore him.

I often wish they could just be friends. I think a good balance is somewhere in between both. Friendly and amicable for the sake of the kids. They can sit together on sports days, both parents at birthday parties but that's as far as it goes. As long as the kids are happy parents then that's all the matters

He does put a lot of effort into our relationship and can’t fault him for anything else. Later this year he’s going to move in with me but I’ve told him not before he’s divorced so we will see how that unfolds in addition to how he sorts out the situation after our chat.

OP posts: