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Original poster

Partners relationship with ex wife

51 replies

Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 16:46

Been in a relationship for 3 years, my partner separated from his wife two years before we met. They had agreed to split when their daughter was 10 but stayed living together until she left school, sep rooms and lives etc for 6 years just lived under the same roof.
he’s a good guy and I trust him but his close relationship with his ex wife is becoming an issue, it’s great that they get on etc but the non stop texts from her day in day out (all day all night) is getting a bit too much.

It feels like she leans on him for emotional support and he’s a nice guy so wouldn’t ignore her etc. the ex wife is with someone else now and I know 100% they both have zero desire to get back together.

how would you feel and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 29/06/2022 18:05

CallOnMe · 29/06/2022 17:44

It sounds like they’re still best friends but just fell out of love with each other.

After separating 5 years ago you’d think they would naturally have less and less contact over time.

How old is their DD now?

Tbh if she’s got a new partner and I know they’re not interested in getting back together then it wouldn’t bother me. I would just see it like one of his male best friends.

Are you sure you’re not worried about them wanting to get back together?

Their DD is 20 (they do treat her like shes 12 thou).
my partner was totally sex starved when we met, felt like I was with someone really young and inexperienced had to teach him a lot, his eyes have been well and truly opened, he talks a lot about how unhappy he was In their relationship for many reasons, they had nothing in common, she went out a LOT he stayed home to look after DD… think his wife avoided going to bed at the same time as him for a number of years before they even decided to split.

OP posts:
HoneysuckleBeanstalk · 29/06/2022 18:11

@Nononoandno Sorry OP I misread your post. I read it that he's still living with his ex.

I would definitely talk to him and discuss boundaries. It all sounds a bit much.

imsuchawally · 29/06/2022 18:11

I think I'm a bit torn then. If she's 20, I don't see why they should be on contact so much. I thought she was much younger - sorry not read the thread properly.

Equally, your dp could just be a really decent dude that just still cares for people from his past. That's actually a really lovely trait to have.

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 18:52

That's the problem with second hand goods

They never fully feel like yours.

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 15:12

Oh so they're not divorced yet?....
A twenty year-old in common does NOT justify constant contact. And who knows what it was really like between them for those six years. Id be really concerned about him bringing her up in conversation often. The ex needs to turn to her partner for support, or find another partner who gives her that. And for PP who says she's like a guy friend -- no. Guy friends aren't constantly in touch or the subject of someone's conversation. Technically speaking, you're currently his mistress. He needs to step up and tie up those loose ends.

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 15:16

I get your frustration but you kind of have to expect that when you get into a relationship with someone who has children. Maybe they weren't compatible sexually but it sounds like they sure are compatible in terms of caring for their DC.

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 15:18

The child is a twenty year-old.

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 15:22

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 15:18

The child is a twenty year-old.

So?

Bunty55 · 30/06/2022 15:23

My partner still has his ex-wife on Whatsap and he knows I do not like it. He says she calls him regarding their daughter who is a grown woman with her own family.
She texts him and calls him about anything other than their daughter. If she calls when he is at home he will go off into another room to speak to her saying she does not like to hear my voice.
I have never met her. I know all about her from his family. I know what kind of a life he had before we met.. living alone for years but always at her beck and call. I know she taps him for money. I know she sends abusive texts when she is feeling bad. I do not know why he puts up with her except... I think he is afraid his daughter will fall out with him if he puts an end to it.

I am not worried in any way, it's more a case of being pissed off tbh. I think it is insulting to me, and if we ever were to split up this would be the reason why.

Fireflygal · 30/06/2022 15:34

So she is still his wife! That's got to be resolved.

Do you have access to what they message about? Can you give examples? Does your partner have other close friends..I wonder if the dependency is both ways, he likes being needed.

RedWingBoots · 30/06/2022 15:41

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 15:22

So?

Show quote history

A healthy young adult doesn't need or want their parents talking about them behind their back. They can talk to each parent directly.

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 15:54

That's pretty shit for parents who are still married then. @RedWingBoots

'Nope. Sorry. Cannot talk to you, DH, about our DC who': is ill; just broken up with partner; had a bad day at work; is short of money; is trying to arrange when to visit; wants to tell us all about the new job, the holiday, the new puppy; wants advice about the whole plethora of things we all need to talk about every now and again.

Only in an idealised world of the second wife/husband/partner would two people who have separated (and still get on!) never speak about their own DC for fear of upsetting the second wife/husband/partner.

RedWingBoots · 30/06/2022 15:59

@CataTonic58 no it isn't.

My older siblings and that includes the ones who are still married, try to give their young adult children independence.

HairyDad · 30/06/2022 16:01

Messaging each other that much might be fine for him, and his ex, but if it's not fine for you then you need to say something. if it were me, I'd be out the door. Sorry but I find it very easy to be civil, polite and communicative to my ex (and she to me) without sending more than 1 or 2 messages a week that are only to do with what time DS is being picked up etc etc. I had similar issues with my partner and her ex (not as bad though), I knew it wasn't "emotional" so I tolerated it at first. Then we spoke and I said I didn't like it. So it stopped. Now they only text if it's to do with the children

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 16:02

Giving a young adult child independence is an entirely different thing. Being there when the young adult child needs help or just needs that contact for whatever reason; that's something different. Children still reach out to their parents at all ages.

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 16:18

CataTonic58 · 30/06/2022 16:02

Giving a young adult child independence is an entirely different thing. Being there when the young adult child needs help or just needs that contact for whatever reason; that's something different. Children still reach out to their parents at all ages.

Why wouldn't the mother reach out herself to support her daughter? Why would she need to consult her ex husband on these issues? The twenty year-old is perfectly capable of sharing her life with her father directly, as well. It's about moving on and not using the kids or 'mother of his children' status to hang onto the past.

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 16:21

Onthedunes · 29/06/2022 18:52

That's the problem with second hand goods

They never fully feel like yours.

What do you suggest as an alternative?Confused

Noncomplyturkey · 30/06/2022 16:34

I don’t mind conversations to do with the adult child … it’s how she offloads her stresses onto him about her work and family problems. it’s not fair in him. He then offloads it all to me. Like I give a flying kaboona what her shit is 😄

AubadeIsIt · 30/06/2022 17:15

Noncomplyturkey · 30/06/2022 16:34

I don’t mind conversations to do with the adult child … it’s how she offloads her stresses onto him about her work and family problems. it’s not fair in him. He then offloads it all to me. Like I give a flying kaboona what her shit is 😄

Of course, yeah. And the adult child is just a pretext, I'd bet money on it.

MMmomDD · 30/06/2022 22:20

OP - you seem to be strangely obsessed/involved in his relationship with his ex. And about comparing our relationship with what they had.

He is not with her. You and him have great sex. You don’t appear to be living together.
So - why on Earth do you need to insert yourself in his relationship with his ex that does not in any way threaten what you have. You say you don’t want him to be burdened emotionally. But why is it your call? Surely he can decide that for himself?

It almost seems that you want him to prove his devotion to you by erasing his ex.

I understand that your relationship with the father of your child is different. He is not you.

Noncomplyturkey · 30/06/2022 23:53

Had the conversation with him tonight, he sees my point of view and he admits he feels like she’s a burden but he also feels sorry for her. He’s going to have a chat with her to establish some boundaries and he’s going to mute his calls outside working hours too so she doesn’t interrupt our evenings. He told me he had already had a conversation with his mother a few weeks ago along the lines of her draining him.

RedWingBoots · 01/07/2022 09:20

@MMmomDD you clearly missed OP post where she pointed out that his ex is off loading her life problems on to her DP, and in turn her DP is telling the OP about them. It is nothing to do with their child who is an adult.

RedWingBoots · 01/07/2022 09:24

OP good that he acknowledges the problem.

Hopefully she will be reasonable.

If she isn't he needs to block her number on everything and not meet up with her for any reason whatsoever.

Eesha · 01/07/2022 09:59

Op, my partners ex is similar but I think that's just because her life is a bit shit at the moment (she had an affair and the man went back to his wife). My partner fully appreciates she needs emotional support that he can't give so he encourages her to talk to others. It's good your partner recognises the boundaries there.

Cherrysoup · 01/07/2022 19:20

She has a new partner yet your dp still goes round to do the diy? I think that’s ridiculous.