What kind of boundaries do you have around masturbation/porn in a relationship?

[Breezychoc]

I've become increasingly aware over the last few months that my husband takes his phone into the bathroom to masturbate, sometimes during the day but mostly some mornings. He seems to do it more when he's stressed.

I'm not a regular porn user myself so I'm really struggling to know how to react to this. I know that I feel uneasy about it though and it's damaging my self-esteem. The other day I think he did it only a few hours after I had initiated sex that morning and I ended up feeling really shitty about myself. Even if this wasn't what he was up to in there, I'm still insecure and hyper-focused on it, which in itself is a problem. This is why I could really do with some perspective from other people.

We both work from home and see each other all the time now, plus I don't go out very regularly anymore, so it's possible that this used to be more of an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing that I just didn't used to notice. He used to be more tired from commuting too, so I expect the porn use has ramped up because it's more convenient to access nowadays. I'll add that our sex life is good but sometimes it just feels like he's re-enacting what he's recently watched in porn and treating me like just another woman to masturbate to.

Does this resonate with anyone? Have you discussed boundaries about porn use in your relationship, or should there be more of an unwritten etiquette to it?

I would say that in my relationships, as long as it doesn’t interfere with my sex life then whatever he does on his own is ok.

My XP used to watch porn when he was at home but whenever he was at my house we had sex. I did find out once that he’d been watching it in bed next to me after we’d had sex as he couldn’t sleep, because when we got in the car his phone connected to the car speaker and it was on there which I found quite upsetting, especially when he tried to pretend it was a video of me which he also watched sometimes, when it clearly wasn’t.

If the porn use had interfered with or influenced our sex life then I’d have found it a bit more problematic.

Men always joke that if they were at home all day they’d spend the whole time masturbating - wfh during covid must have been a godsend to these wankers!

Do whatever as long as it doesn't interfere with family life. So if I've been home with the kids all day and he gets in and goes for a half hour 'shower' when I'd like a break or the kids want to play with him, then it's problematic. Also not super keen on porn use tbh, I feel it's quite degrading to women a lot of the time, would depend on the porn I suppose.

As long as it doesn't negatively affect our sex life then what he chooses to do is up to him. Tbh I have a bloody high sex drive and his is a little lower at the min so I don't think he has much energy left 😂! Far more likely to be me.

If he is active and attentive in bed, makes you feel sexy and desired and you're overall happy with your sex life, I'd say leave him to it. i know it knocks your self esteem, it is essentially him pleasuring himself while looking at another woman, so for some of us, me included, it feels like a betrayal.

If he is not being attentive and making you feel sexy and wanted then the porn use would be an issue

Masturbation fine (for both) as long as it's not a replacement for sex. DH works away quite a bit and tends to like a lie in at the weekend where I prefer to get up. I don't use porn and if DH does I'm not aware of it. He knows I don't like it but of he does look sometimes I don't mind too much as long as I don't know about it.

@Breezychoc When I first got together with my now-wife I wondered how she felt about porn, so I initiated a conversation with her about it. She said that she wasn't bothered whether I watched it or not, as long as I wasn't choosing porn over sex with her. If she had said that she really disliked porn then I was fully prepared not to watch it at all. (These days I haven't been watching it at all anyway.) Have you talked with your husband about this? Does he have some idea of how you feel? The huge availability of internet porn is such a recent thing - men coped fine without it for the rest of recorded history, so it's really not something that we must have. Some of us have just become very accustomed to having it.

Speak up to him about it, if you are not happy with it, so many women put up with this, but there isn't any need to.

Re-enacting would give me the ick, turning me down and hours later tossing off in the bathroom would be the end for me.
That says he no longer finds you attractive

On here, different people have different boundaries so its not for other people to decide what yours are. Talk to your partner to find what u are both happy with

To me it’s not even the porn in and of itself, I just can’t stand the sex industry and can’t believe it’s actually allowed to happen.
I couldn’t be with someone who thinks it’s okey to support such a vile, misogynistic thing.
Our views on women’s rights would be too different.

Masturbation is personal, no one else’s business.
Go for it, I’ll say.

We have both watched porn together (years ago that was).
I think if he was watching it on his own, I would be a bit put out.
Having said that, we no longer have sex now, so I suppose I couldn't blame him as my sex drive has collapsed to below zero.😣

If were having good regular sex I don’t care.

but it sounds like you’re not since you don’t feel connected, just used. I think that’s your issue rather than him masturbating

have you talked about it?

I have never been aware of any porn use or obvious wanking in my household.

That’s not to say it doesn’t happen- I certainly indulge in erotica and self stimulation when DH is away, he might be doing the same? But I honestly have no idea.

It’s not a given that you have to share your life with a man who openly slinks off to the loo with a Pornhub tab open on his phone because ‘all men do it’. I would find it a huge turn off.

I have a very active and satisfying sex life because I believe we spend our sexual energy on each other. If he was a loo-wanker porn fiend, I seriously doubt I would have an interest in maintaining a sex life with him. It’s not an elephant I would ever want to have in the room.

I personally couldn’t care less about either.

We both watch porn individually and both masturbate. Doesn’t effect our sex life at all so I’m not bothered. I’ve never felt insecure or anything about a partner watching porn but maybe that’s because I watch it too. Who knows.

Everyone has different boundaries though so you have to do what makes you feel comfortable

I'm so glad there are people speaking sense in this thread. So often, it seems to be that people think there should be a blanket ban on porn, and doing so much as looking at p3 results in calls of LTB.

I sometimes watch porn when I'm home alone, and I know DP does too. It wouldn't be acceptable if he was disappearing upstairs to have a wank while we were having dinner, or watching a film together - but in his alone time, he can do whatever he wants so long as it doesn't affect him wanting sex with me.

This is my first (ex) H all over. He made me feel with the 'positioning' I was just re-enacting his porn fetish. On one occasion I wore provocative underwear and asked him to come to bed, but he wanted to stay up and I believe he was watching porn. One morning I came down and found a porn disc in the tv which the kids could easily have tuned on. He had literally hundreds of porn items.

He was a shit husband and father anyway so I divorced him, but this porn thing leaves a sick taste even after all these years.

I’d would mostly agree with this, ^^ I know some people have strong views about porn usage / industry, but I cannot see how you possibly but any kind of boundaries around masturbation in general, that would seem to be completely unreasonable

I really feel my DH's masturbattion habits are none of my business - just as its none of his business if I masturbate The only time it would be a problem is if our sex life suffered - if he used porn and masturbation instead of having sex with me. That's not the case so he can do whatever he wants with his body. I don't know if he uses porn to masterbate and I don't really care.

Porn doesn't bother me at all – as far as I'm aware both me and DP watch it on occasion, I think it's healthy for both of us. But we have a good sex life, if it was impacting that at all then I'd have an issue I think

If he prefers porn over sex with you I would see that as a problem. You need to talk to him

I don’t think it fair to say people who are ok with porn are talking ’sense’.

I can't ignore how horrible the industry really is.
It would be easier if I didn’t care about women and childen and just ignore it all and go ”yea,porn, how amazing it is, love it so much”.

People who are oney supporting this, must have pretty awful view on women in general and it should be okey to have porn as a deal-breaker, without being called names or whatever.

And just to be clear, masturbation, totally fine.
Unfortunately some people these two must go together.

There is such a thing as porn made for women... and not all porn involves women at all

My problem is when it becomes a damn site more than 'occasional' and when it's all in secret and not open knowledge. When I was younger I probably wouldn't have had an issue or even been aware, now I'm older I find it disrespectful especially when they know your views, if it's used 'a lot' and an enormous turn off .

Only you know what boundaries are acceptable in your relationship. If you are not happy then say something. Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this.

I think you have to remember that it's not really as simple as him pleasuring himself over another woman (unless it's just a video of her). It's more pleasuring himself over watching 2 naked people (a man and a woman I assume) having sex.

I think it becomes a problem if he likes watching porn more than having sex with you.

With my last partner, he did enjoy watching porn. But it greatly minimised when we got together as he'd much rather have sex with me than watch a video of others having sex.

Porn users are always crap in bed. It always seems to be the woman in the relationship that “doesn’t mind it” but ends up posting on here and not the man. Funny that.