What kind of boundaries do you have around masturbation/porn in a relationship?

[Breezychoc]

I've become increasingly aware over the last few months that my husband takes his phone into the bathroom to masturbate, sometimes during the day but mostly some mornings. He seems to do it more when he's stressed.

I'm not a regular porn user myself so I'm really struggling to know how to react to this. I know that I feel uneasy about it though and it's damaging my self-esteem. The other day I think he did it only a few hours after I had initiated sex that morning and I ended up feeling really shitty about myself. Even if this wasn't what he was up to in there, I'm still insecure and hyper-focused on it, which in itself is a problem. This is why I could really do with some perspective from other people.

We both work from home and see each other all the time now, plus I don't go out very regularly anymore, so it's possible that this used to be more of an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing that I just didn't used to notice. He used to be more tired from commuting too, so I expect the porn use has ramped up because it's more convenient to access nowadays. I'll add that our sex life is good but sometimes it just feels like he's re-enacting what he's recently watched in porn and treating me like just another woman to masturbate to.

Does this resonate with anyone? Have you discussed boundaries about porn use in your relationship, or should there be more of an unwritten etiquette to it?

We haven't spoken about it but I think we need to. We did discuss it years and years ago when I found porn on the PC, which he said was because it was a secondhand one. The issue at the time was more the fact that it was on the communal PC rather than something being looked at in private, but he denied looking at it.

It's going to be a difficult conversation because I suspect he's going to deny that he does it, whereas I've seen enough semen stained underwear and hoodies (yes, fucking hoodies) to know that he does do it. I've only just started doing both of our washing piles, so it's only recently that I've noticed this.

It's not really masturbation itself I have a problem with. It's the sudden urgency in the middle of the day to sneak into the bathroom and get himself off, just seemingly out of nowhere after casually laying on the sofa browsing his phone. 🙄It makes me wonder whether he checks porn throughout the day and sometimes comes across new content that he just can't resist. I think it's that aspect that's making me feel like crap as it feels so disrespectful. Particularly happening only a few hours after having sex with me.

What's really had me anxious and paranoid is where the content could be coming from. He uses Discord and a few months ago he would have some very late nights 'gaming'. After we discussed this he then started taking his mobile to the bathroom with him, often really early. I know he plays games with American/Canadian friends in a different time zone (about 5 hours behind), which is what has really had me suspicious. It's eased off just lately as things between us have improved a bit, but I still have a massive question mark over what exactly was going on. I can't get it out of my head and move on. If he's looking at porn at Discord then the possibility of interaction really doesn't sit well with me.

Ugh. Thanks for replying everyone, it's helped me pinpoint how I really feel about it rather than getting stuck on how I think I 'should' feel.

I hope that the conversation (or series of conversations) goes well if and when you do have it. I recommend having a good think beforehand about your goals for the conversation, if that doesn't sound too clinical. What kind of result would you be hoping for? Do you want him to agree not to watch porn at all? Do you want him just to come clean on exactly what he has been doing? It might be quite tricky to achieve these kinds of things without him getting very defensive or just shutting off. (I'm not trying to be negative - just trying to help.) Or do you think if your sex life improved further then that might be a good result, and maybe would help all of this to feel better? I'm not sure what the best way is, but I do think it's worth thinking carefully about what you're aiming for and how you might best get there.

I think I'd find it hard to be attracted to an adult man who wants into hoodies and leaves them for someone else to wash. Or just an adult man who wants into hoodies tbh.

When and how I touch my body and any pleasure I get from that is not in my partner remit.

I would find myself completely unable to get wet for a man who leaves his dried cummy hoodies around for someone else to clean.

what a swamp creature

We have talked about it before a couple of times because we both like to watch porn and masturbate and are open with each other that we do so that really works good for our relationship. I know he used to watch porn every day and I probably did a good few times per week.

During COVID I was working from home and started to watch it more and take the time to masturbate more often. My husband started on SSRI medication during COVID for anxiety and this has had a big effect on reducing his urge to masturbate and also to watch porn.

I am with you on this one. I was married for almost 21 years and just the thought of sex or anything made me feel ick but since I have been separated, now divorced my sex drive went through the roof and luckily my new partner also has an incredibly high sex drive. I am more than happy for him to watch porn as long as it doesn't detract from us and our sex/love making and he doesn't do it when he's supposed to be spending quality (not in the bedroom) time with me. I do however comment if he thinks the woman in the video has a good body and I have been known to tell to take off his 'beer goggles' and realise that some of the actors 😆do that for a living so the 'perfect' body has been purchased for a price.

The huge availability of internet porn is such a recent thing - men coped fine without it for the rest of recorded history, so it's really not something that we must have. Some of us have just become very accustomed to having it.

This! And from a man!

For this reason if my DH did it as regularly as your's OP, it would give me the serious ick. It's a total inability to control urges - he's not a toddler!

I would see staying up late “gaming” and using Discord as major red flags to be honest. It’s one of those anonymous chat apps people use for sexting strangers. Does he use Reddit by any chance? Have you noticed he’s hiding his phone from you more?

Porn is a deal breaker because of objectification and exploitation. Masturbation is no issue at all.

@Breezychoc I completely feel the same re. Insecurity around partner watching porn. I can always tell by his behaviour when he watches. Goes into bathroom with phone with no volume, shuts the bedroom door (unusual for us), turns phone away. I hate knowing what's going on, and feeling like I've been sidelined.

I hate that we try something, and he looks up the exact same thing but with a woman who looks different (curvier, big boobs). I don't want to be a hypocrite, because like you, I do watch sometimes.

The boundaries are mostly be discreet as possible. Don't announce that you're taking the bedroom or bathroom. Don't do it in the daytime, when kids are awake.

We've had chats about it, and it's helped to hear what he's thinking when he's watching, so I'd recommend that. Still feels a bit crappy sometimes, I'm sure that's irrational.

@Ticksallboxes I agree with you- it gives me the creeps-I particularly dont like secrecy and a lack of honesty about it or ridiculous virtually every day frequency- I simply go off sex if someone behaves like this and it becomes a viscious circle. It's not just the actual videos/clips it's everything round it- the constant sleazy webcam and escort pop ups etc. I've found my attitude to it has hardened pre ,during and post menopause.

No, just no!!!

like with any site or app that has a chat feature it can be used for sexting strangers, but this is not what discord is used for.

discord is the best platform around for gaming chat as it allows you to build group and share images and files, discuss gaming tips and strategies, developers often use it to communicate with the players.

if he is gaming and then using discord is normal

Same.

I’m a realist about men & porn in the 21st century. They all watch it; some admit it, some hide it and some lie about it. I enjoy watching it myself sometimes. Masturbation is a perfectly normal activity. As long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life, it’s fine.

I've never set any boundaries around either. I wouldn't want someone telling me what I couldn't do.

That's up to you, but there have to be some rules in relationships. It's just lucky that you haven't encountered any problems that mean you feel the need to set rules.

I think it's called trust.

They don't all watch it at all. My DH doesn't, I know he doesn't. I do

I mean, I do watch it so it's not like he's lying to me. Please don't make blanket statements about men

Aside from the porn and the sudden wanking 'after lying on the sofa just browsing his phone', he is manky OP. Leaving his semen stained clothing lying about for you to mop up is the utter end. Grubby and nasty. Blecchh. Can you upgrade?

No rules against cheating because 'trust', then? I don't think my partner would break the rule, but it's still a rule.

I would want a partner of mine to do the right things and not do the wrong things of their own volition. I always hold onto trust like hope in a Pandora's box. Having that trust does not protect you from people shitting on you of course.

I'm a man who was addicted to porn. It's a passion killer. I would talk to your partner about it and explain how you feel. HE needs to know its spoiling your relationship. Chances are it's making him unhappy too, but he may be using it to self-comfort after feeling guilty (hence the vicious circle) Try to encourage him to be completely honest. and try to both look at the issue and avoid the 'why do YOU do this' conversations. Talk about the use of porn rather than him. From my experience, porn desensitised me, it made me depressed and often I'd use it again to get a temporary mood lift, but then be depressed again. Also, dangerously, porn sites serve up more and more extreme stuff all the time (choking, forced sex, torture, actors dressed like kids, Grannies having sex, etc etc). It's dark and designed to be addictive. But there is hope. I got out of it by talking to some men who care about me and by being honest with my wife (very painful for both of us). You have to start with honesty. If he's determined to hide away from that kind of conversation you have very little hope. If he's willing to listen, talk, understand your feelings and be willing to look at it with a view to change, then it could be the start of something really good - better communication, real connection and intimacy and yes, better sex.