Who is being unreasonable here?

[MyDogLucy]

I really need to get some outside opinions on this. I apologise in advance for being so mysterious and vague and all the 'partner 1/partner 2' stuff but I'm trying to keep it as unbiased as possible. A bit of background - together 20+ years, 2 secondary school aged children. We are married.

About 3 years ago there were some issues in the relationship, very close to separating but decided to stay and work on it. It came out that Partner 1 had developed feelings for someone they worked with. This was stuff like they'd saved photos of the person on their phone (taken from their social media), numerous google searches of them, theyd found out their address and searched that online a few times. Nothing physical ever happened but it had an effect on the relationship (at one point Partner 1 wanted to end the relationship) and Partner 2 was upset by it. This wasn't a regular every day job it was more of an occasional freelance thing, sometimes working from home, and sometimes involving travel and overnight stays.

Not long after came lockdown so of course there was no travel or anything like that for a long while. During this time Partner 1 said they would give up the freelance job so there would be no more travelling or having any contact with that person. However fastforward to now and Partner 1 feels they need to keep doing that job because it pays well, much better than a standard part time job (working is done around studying for a degree), they are only doing it for the money and they no longer have feelings for the person but continuing in this job will mean they continue to have contact with this person, there'll be travelling and overnight stays.

Partner 2 is unhappy with this and says despite the job paying well, it's not worth it for the amount of issues and unhappiness it will cause in the relationship. They have made their feelings clear but Partner 1 has said they are still going to continue to do the job regardless.

Sorry again for the vagueness. Who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here?

If partner 1 will be in contact with, working with etc the person they were online stalking then yes, as partner 2, I'd be fucked off and wouldn't have it.

Is there a dramatic need for money? Unless there's a risk to food, roof or health, Partner 1 being unreasonable

@baileys6904

We are in our 30s and still renting. Some debts but no problems with paying bills etc. Staying in that job will mean debts can be cleared quicker and a deposit for buying a house can be saved more quickly so in that sense, there is a benefit to staying in the job. But no, leaving the job would not have a dramatic negative effect on anything you've said above.

I’d be pissed off if my partner was continuing to work alongside someone he’d cyberstalked and was having overnight stays for work where I could imagine that person being there too. Without trust you have no relationship so partner 1 needs to make themselves trustworthy by doing as they promised and cutting ties with the person they had a crush on, otherwise the relationship may not survive.

Partner 2 for staying in the relationship. Sounds very hard, but if Partner 1 is online stalking another person and Partner 2 has no trust in P1, then it's all over anyway. Sorry for all involved.

The trust is already gone, so even if partner 1 is being truthful about no more feelings and nothing to worry about with the original crush, partner 2 will always now have a mis-trust of any possibility of the same happening with someone else in any job. It's on partner 2 to decide if they can get over it. Partner 1 sounds creepy as hell though - stealing photos off somebodies social media and looking up their address without their knowledge. It's weird and I'd want nothing to do with it.

We are in our 30s and still renting

But you've been together 20+ years?

Either way, partner 2 needs to understand that partner 1 will always do their own thing regardless of the other ones feelings.

I think they made that clear when they wanted to end the relationship, despite being the one who nearly wrecked it.

Person 1 should be doing everything in their power to build back trust and love with partner 2 and the fact they're unwilling to listen to partner 2's concerns means they're not taking it seriously and potentially still just want to see this other person.

Also the stalking is so creepy, partner 1 sounds odd.

If partner 1 can't ub

Sorry! Bloody phone.

If partner 1 can't understand partner 2's concerns then it sounds like partner 1 is (subconsciously?) sabotaging the relationship and still wants out.

Why on MN is the response from majority that trust always expected to be either there or not and if not just LTB??

It is possible in relationships to re-establish trust, work on trust, develop trust, have trust over certain aspects of or in a relationship but not in other areas.

In answer to your dilemma OP, I consider Partner 2's concerns have foundation and it is wholly inappropriate for partner 1 to take up this freelance work which will put them in direct contact with their crush victim again due of their prior conduct.

However for me it would all depend on IF Partner 1 had admitted their feelings and stalkerish behaviour readily to Partner 2 and shown remorse, empathy and a desire to move on together etc or only after Partner 2 had dragged an admission from them upon discovery on electronic devices. It may be that now lockdown is over, Partner 1 still has unfinished business with crush victim and is hoping to pursue that further or merely genuinely wants to make more money for the family to hopefully be able to purchase property eventually.

Only Partner 2 knows the current quality of their relationship with partner 1 and if they feel they are now trustworthy enough to be reopening the cage door.

There is always a fine balance to be had in these situations. Go with your gut instinct. Try not to end up being controlling however as Partner 1 may just end up feeling resentful and rebellious.

I was in a similar situation so have total empathy for Partner 2. However with time, evidence of a 100% better relationship (yes, I could have LTB) I feel trust is almost there on this issue. My partner 1 knows, there is NO third chance as he'd be out on his xxxx if I even so much as suspected anything. He is however totally open with phone, work schedule, available 60/24/7, video calls and totally present in our much improved relationship.

Partner 2 should decide if they want to police/mother/manage partner 1 for ever, as partner 1 clearly doesn’t want the same things as partner 2

@TeapotTitties

*We are in our 30s and still renting

But you've been together 20+ years?*

Yes, why? In an ideal world we wouldn't still be renting but somehow life kept getting in the way - got pregnant (unplanned) quite young which ate away all the savings, then a failed business which ate away even more savings.

Sorry I disappeared for a bit, busy day. Just going to reply properly to other comments now.

Thanks for the replies, I'll be honest it's like a breath of fresh air as I've wondered if it was me going mad or being really unreasonable. I'm Partner 2.

@TheAverageUser

Person 1 should be doing everything in their power to build back trust and love with partner 2 and the fact they're unwilling to listen to partner 2's concerns means they're not taking it seriously and potentially still just want to see this other person

This is exactly how I see it. He makes out this job is the be all and end all and how we'll never buy a house or be financially secure if he quits, but what's the point of being financially secure if our relationship is wrecked because he can't do the bare minimum to show he can take my concerns seriously and allow me to trust him again?

I'll add a bit more info now. I'm sorry to drip feed as I know people hate that but I really wanted to keep it as factual and unbiased as possible initially. So this all happened in 2019, he'd been off with me for months and I couldn't figure out why, it all made sense when I found out. It completely destroyed my mental health and confidence, it was awful. She's younger, no kids, shared interests with him while I was the boring wife at home working full time as well as doing everything and looking after the kids. The usual story. I know nothing happened between them. She was with someone else (still is as far as I know) and I doubt would ever be interested in him anyway. However, if she'd shown interest can I confidently say he wouldn't have cheated? Sadly no I can't. Of course as he swears nothing would ever have happened. His head was all over the place, he was depressed etc.

Honestly the stuff I found killed me. Screenshot of her social media photos, photos he'd taken when out sightseeing on work trips and she was 'accidentally' in the background, online searches for advice on what to do when you're married and in love with someone else. It was truly awful.

Of course I forgave him and wanted to move past it on the condition that he didn't see her or have contact with her again, which at the time he agreed with. He now denies ever agreeing to this. He also says he has to carry on doing this job and that he has no interest in her, it makes no difference to him whether she's there or not, his main priority is us having a happy secure future together.

Bit more of a drip feed coming up (I know, sorry!). Just to make it worse, a few months after this, just when I was starting to think we were in a good ish place again, I caught him chatting to women online on a hook up site. Even reading this back I know exactly what I'd advise someone else in this position. I threw him out at that point but he begged forgiveness and said he'd do anything to make things right so once again I gave him another chance.

We're currently separated, been living apart for 2 months now (my choice not his). I got to a point where I couldn't do it any more, I'm just so unhappy all the time and that's not me. It's not fair on my kids, or me. Even with the above issues aside, there's other stuff which at the time, I let it go over my head but it does concern me. He has a temper, he's shouted and swore at me, called me names and thrown things, on occasion in front of the kids. I'm not perfect but I'd never do that. But now he's saying he's been working on those anger issues and wants to change.

He's been so nice lately, it's really hard. If he could always be this nice then things could be different, but the sad fact is i always feel like I'm walking on eggshells in case he loses his temper again. He swears I can trust him, he just wants us to be happy and he never wants to risk losing me again. One thing I've noticed while he's been gone though - I'm less stressed. I can do what I want without having to worry about him being in a mood about it. But at the same time I hate it. I've never been single as an adult. I hate being the only responsible adult in the house. I do sometimes miss him. I'm so bloody lonely. He wants to come back, I've only got to say the word and he will. But I truly don't see things changing and he has another trip away next week (she'll be there). I just feel like I'm worth more than this and it really helps to know that people don't think I'm overreacting.

I think this person meant more in terms of age and how it sounded a little far-fetched.

I.e if you’ve been together 20+ years but are in your 30s then you met when you were aged 10-19. Obviously not that odd if you’ve been together since late teens but I think that’s what they were getting at. Nothing to do with renting.

@Sugarpiehoney ah I see, sorry. Yes we've been together since our teens.

OP aren't you also absolutely put off by the fact he was cyber stalking someone?

Removing any jealousy from the situation, isn't that creepy as fuck enough to put you off him completely even with a shared history?

Add on to that the hook up site and it's even worse.

Add on the below and IMO you have a responsibility to your kids to not get back into a relationship with him or they're growing up in a toxic environment being taught that it's normal for men to shout, swear, name call and throw things around in anger with their partner.

He has a temper, he's shouted and swore at me, called me names and thrown things, on occasion in front of the kids

Don't let him move back in.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. The comforts of home life, and to be able to go off on so-called business trips whenever - and with whoever - he likes.

You can't trust him

He has anger issues

He wants to go back on the agreement of not working with her

Your less stressed when he's not about

I would stick to your guns and move on.

@wellhelloitsme

OP aren't you also absolutely put off by the fact he was cyber stalking someone?

Yes I'll be honest it did freak me out quite a bit at the time. I'm fairly certain if she'd known about it she'd be pretty creeper out! I've got to be honest I've had moments on anger where I've felt like telling her and showing her all the evidence I found but I'm not the sort of person to do that, and I don't think it would particularly help the situation anyway.

Your marriage is over, as it should be. Stop wasting time and get yourself a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

Bin him. You can’t trust him and he’s looking for other women while you raise the children.

I know you're all right and I need to just stick to this now. I'm just finding it so hard as he gets in my head and manages to sound so reasonable and I start thinking maybe I'm genuinely the unreasonable one. He's made comments like I'll regret splitting up, and how I'm ridiculous to 'throw away all these years together'. Also I remember one occasion where I saw in the search history he'd searched her name, after supposedly wanting to make our relationship work. I didn't bring it up straight away but when I did, it had disappeared. He went through all the search history asking me to show him where I'd seen it. He was so angry that I ended up apologising and thinking I must have imagined it. But i really don't think I did.

Don't get me wrong, I've read so many threads like this. I know what gaslighting is, and love bombing, etc. When it's a post from a stranger about someone else, it seems so obvious. But when it's him who I've known for so many years, I just don't see how it could be true, I don't know how he could be like this and I didn't see it for so long? I so want to be wrong. And he's so convincing when he's being nice, and the thought of being on my own is really bloody scary. I know this sounds pathetic, I do know deep down what I need to do so please be gentle!