Who is being unreasonable here?

[MyDogLucy]

I really need to get some outside opinions on this. I apologise in advance for being so mysterious and vague and all the 'partner 1/partner 2' stuff but I'm trying to keep it as unbiased as possible. A bit of background - together 20+ years, 2 secondary school aged children. We are married.

About 3 years ago there were some issues in the relationship, very close to separating but decided to stay and work on it. It came out that Partner 1 had developed feelings for someone they worked with. This was stuff like they'd saved photos of the person on their phone (taken from their social media), numerous google searches of them, theyd found out their address and searched that online a few times. Nothing physical ever happened but it had an effect on the relationship (at one point Partner 1 wanted to end the relationship) and Partner 2 was upset by it. This wasn't a regular every day job it was more of an occasional freelance thing, sometimes working from home, and sometimes involving travel and overnight stays.

Not long after came lockdown so of course there was no travel or anything like that for a long while. During this time Partner 1 said they would give up the freelance job so there would be no more travelling or having any contact with that person. However fastforward to now and Partner 1 feels they need to keep doing that job because it pays well, much better than a standard part time job (working is done around studying for a degree), they are only doing it for the money and they no longer have feelings for the person but continuing in this job will mean they continue to have contact with this person, there'll be travelling and overnight stays.

Partner 2 is unhappy with this and says despite the job paying well, it's not worth it for the amount of issues and unhappiness it will cause in the relationship. They have made their feelings clear but Partner 1 has said they are still going to continue to do the job regardless.

Sorry again for the vagueness. Who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here?

OP you’re totally worth more than this. This is your chance of a fresh start- don’t let him back!

As I mentioned above, in case it helps you to power through and stick to your decision, IMO you have a responsibility to your kids to not get back into a relationship with him or they're growing up in a toxic environment being taught that it's normal for men to shout, swear, name call and throw things around in anger with their partner.

He has a temper, he's shouted and swore at me, called me names and thrown things, on occasion in front of the kids

How would you feel if they end up with people who do those things to / at them?

Or if they end up as people who do those things?

Heartbroken, right?

That's why you shouldn't stay with an angry, gaslighting little creep who makes you feel confused, insecure and unwanted.

That poor woman too, she wouldn't want to work with him if she knew he had been saving pictures of her and secretly photographing her. What a creep.

He's made comments like I'll regret splitting up, and how I'm ridiculous to 'throw away all these years together'.

Really? What a nerve. He needs reminding whose fault it is that has made you be prepared to throw all those years away because you can no longer trust him to be faithful.

You deserve and can have so much more than this. I wish I'd got out much sooner than I did. Restarted at 38 and a few years later I've never been happier. It's no way to live a life OP 😔

I guess it depends on the extent of the interaction between partner 1 and the other person. If it was just a silly crush and nothing at all unprofessional went on between them (i.e. the other person has no idea that partner 1 had a crush on them), then I don't really see it as being a major issue. If the other person was aware and their working relationship had anything untoward in it (from mutual flirting to a full on emotional affair) then it would be a genuine issue for them to keep working together. Especially working away, and if they're working closely together rather than as just crossing paths within a larger team.

Just read your follow up posts. So you gave him a second chance, and he blew it by chatting to people on hookup sites? Then you gave him a 3rd chance, but you've ended up separating another time?

I really don't think you should consider taking this one back AGAIN. However, you say you miss him, but you feel on edge when he's living with you. Maybe if you really want another go, you could get back together but keep living separately? That way you get your own space, and there's no pressure to stay together/make it work because of the hassle of moving out. Any more fuck ups and you can wipe him from your life with the block button.

Out of interest, you refer to 'my kids' rather than our kids, is he their father or are they yours from a previous relationship?

I retract my earlier comments now you have painted the whole picture, OP. I'm so sorry but you deserve much more. This man isn't interested in doing what is necessary to put your relationship back on track at all and has learn't nothing over 3 years. Acting like an entitled child throwing tantrums and abusing you by gaslighting etc.

Best well rid. Good luck 💐

Thanks for all the supportive comments. We had another conversation about it yesterday and I think it has to be over to be honest, I can't see any other option.

Once again I tried to explain my point of view and how the fact he will still see this person, makes me feel. I don't know why I get drawn into trying to make him understand my point, we've been here time and time again - if he was ever going to understand and take my feelings into account then he would have done it by now.

He made some really nasty comments like this is all on me, its not him who wants to split so it's me throwing it all away and I'll end up regretting it. It's so bloody hurtful. I made the point that I would have been completely justified ending it 3 years ago when I found out what he'd done but I chose to stay and give it another chance. But somehow no, it's now my fault because I'm 'obsessive and can't ever get over anything'. He maintains that we're generally happy and our relationship would be fine if i would just move past what happened. I've tried to explain time and time again that maybe if he hadn't gone back on his word (about working with her) then it's entirely possible that by now I WOULD be past it and wouldn't give it a second thought.

Then it was back to how he absolutely HAS to carry on working in this job or else we can't cover the bills and we need it to buy a house and have a secure future. Despite the fact that thanks to all this, our marriage doesn't seem to have a future anyway. He started getting shouty and aggressive when I wouldn't give in so I just ended the conversation at that point and said let's start sorting things out to permanently split in that case. I'm just heartbroken all over again. I know I'm worth more than this but I'm just so gutted at how much I've put into making this relationship work only for it to end like this anyway and for him to feel a job is worth more than me and his family.

I can't get those words "you'll regret it' out of my mind.

He's just trying to scare you into staying rather than acting like an adult and trying to see your point of view. He's willing to lose you rather than just get a new contract.

I doubt you'll regret leaving him x

Oh OP, I kept thinking there was a chance, until I read he’d been on hook-up sites. And then that he gets aggressive, and he’s gaslighting you. No, no, no! You’re not throwing away the years you’ve had, undoubtedly some of them good or OK.

Leaving this grouchy, dishonest cheat will free you and DC for a much happier future.

Oh op, you deserve so much better.

I know exactly how you feel, it's like grieving but they are still here. I am in a similar situation in as much as I am trying to let go of a toxic relationship that can never work but think I still love him or at least I love what we once had.

It's easy for others looking in, which is why I've found these boards so very useful over the last couple of weeks, but we are the ones in the middle of our emotions. Emotions are logical and don't lead us to make wise decisions.

I did read and re read the responses on here. ]

I did write a list of things which said:

I don't want to................. and listed the things I didn't want in my life that were an unavoidable part of the relationship.

It's hard I've been in tears a lot today as I also had to block his number today, because like your situation, he is blaming me for walking out on the relationship. Not once acknowledging that his behaviour has caused me to walk away.

Keep reading the responses, and write your own list of how you life will be worse if you have him back and indeed for your children.