clever responses to in-laws criticism

[Temp1134]

I am about to visit my in-laws and other family members for few weeks.
They are all very negative and critical people, often times judging others or criticising my parenting styles, family rules and choices. I need help coming up with some good ideas and prepared phrases to handle it without creating too much drama.
please share if you have anything polite but assertive!

thanks 🙏

Don't engage. Say 'oh yeah? Interesting' or 'yep sure', or 'I'll bear that in mind' or variants of and just nod.

They won't change. You won't change their mind.

If they're being particularly awful I hope your DP steps in?

I think the old MN favourite always works well.

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

Also visiting people you don't like 'for a few weeks ' - I would get a hotel if you aren't already. Life is too short

Clever retorts engage you in their criticism and its better to step out of that game.
Remember never JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
You DO NOT owe them the above.

By using a neutral phrase which doesnt involve the above you are not dragged in.

Them
" you are not strict enough with little Johnny, in my day blah blah "
You
"Interesting, shall we have tea now?"

It doesnt let you enter into arguments/ discussion etc and shuts them down.
Likewise

No thanks, phew, tally ho

They will be

Alternatively
Fuck off Janice, mind your own business!

Do you have to visit them at all?. It really does your children no favours here to see you both as their parents being so denigrated and disrespected. If they are too difficult for you to deal with, its the SAME deal for the kids also.

What does your husband think of his parents behaviour?. He is key here.

"you are always so full of advice, where would I be without it?". "That's an interesting suggestion, thank you". Delivered in a deadpan manner for maximum effect.

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

It never works. They either say yes or kick off. Even if it's delivered with a 'tinkly laugh & head tilt'.

'Well, it wouldn't do for us all to be / think the same' or 'it works for us', 'I'll bear that in mind', 'we'll see' etc. Non-committal, non-confrontational.

This one is so funny, YOU AGREE with them.
Baby should be weaned by now, Oh yes I agree, but you should see the splatter how can a Child spit so far.
You should go back to work, oh yes i agree, I think I should do nights and DH can do the parenting at night.
Your hair is too brown, I know it annoys me too.

This is great! Thanks for all the comments.
We haven't seen them for two years so are going to stay together to let the kids have some chance to bond with the grandparents.
I am considering to leave early if it gets too unbearable

I wouldnt do this.
They will just carry on.

I find “I’m just being solution focused!” delivered in a positive upbeat manner works quite well with negative people. Or at least it annoys them which is equally satisfying.

My survival technique when the PIL were particularly annoying was DH and I made bingo cards in advance - so we had things like 'its cruel to work ft' 'you need another child' 'why don't you move closer' 'oh, Dnephew 1 was so much more advanced' etc etc and whoever got a full house first got to choose the takeaway on the way home. It totally took the sting out of it all so you could just go 'hmm, interesting' while mentally fist pumping another one crossed out.

My MIL sometimes acts like your PILs. I reply about something completely different - and that actually fixed the problem after a couple of times. So it goes something like:
MIL: "I don't agree with SILs new job, not as good as her old one is it?"

Me: oh gosh it's looking like rain today isn't it? <fix my stare>

I know if I absently reply "Yeah" then I'll get dragged into the drama about how I don't like SILs new job, when actually I don't care. The blatant deflexion does seem to work.

Keeping remembering that they get to give their advice and criticism and you get to ignore it. Win win 😁

Just look straight at them, and then start talking about something else. Trying to be clever always looks like trying to be clever, rather than looking like actually being clever.

I wouldn’t go.

mmWave off husband and kids if you like. Stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

The agree thing works in that they can't argue if your agreeing, don't knock it before you try it, it is actually a lesson taught to domestic violence survivors.
By agreeing you give them nothing to argue against, you then say but, well or however and have your say,

Where does your partner sit while all this is going on - defend you, take their side, or remain completely passive? If they don't have your back, I'd be tempted to retort with "If you'd done a better job with your own child, they'd probably have a better partner, and you wouldn't have any of these problems".

Or just don't go. If they are that bad, no need to put yourself through it. If they want to see their grand children that badly, they'll come to you (but not stay in your house).

I love this. And if your DH is not onboard or doesn't see what happens do it on your own and treat yourself for every one you get, £5 a phrase, you'll get a massive treat for your troubles by the end of it, which will be deserved!

"We haven't seen them for two years so are going to stay together to let the kids have some chance to bond with the grandparents".

This is really no reason or basis for seeing them and it seems like a recipe for disaster. What have they done in the last two years in terms of communicating with their grandchildren?.

Given how they have behaved previously is this really such a good idea at all?. It will indeed do your DC here no favours at all to see you people as their parents get so disrespected. Why put yourself, and in turn your kids, through all this?. And where is your H in all this, what does he think of his parents behaviours towards you?.

Never be drawn into giving an opinion on anything. Especially not in agreement with a negative comment they have made about someone else.

Be like a politician. They never answer a straight question.

your spouse should be correcting them every time. Do not be left alone with them, your husband/wife is to monitor their behaviour. Three weeks is a ridiculous amount of time to visit anyone, if you’re going to be in their house, book accommodation so you can have your own space.

Also, it’s weird that you want your kids around ‘negative, critical’ people. What have they done to build a positive, nourishing relationship with your kids in the lat few years?

'Ahh sharing is caring I suppose'. Deadpan, slightly sarcastic delivery.

I actually work with victims of DV and the only reason anyone would say to agree would be in a crisis to avoid further violence.
I really think that stepping away and not engaging is far more effective as a strategy here.