clever responses to in-laws criticism

[Temp1134]

I am about to visit my in-laws and other family members for few weeks.
They are all very negative and critical people, often times judging others or criticising my parenting styles, family rules and choices. I need help coming up with some good ideas and prepared phrases to handle it without creating too much drama.
please share if you have anything polite but assertive!

thanks 🙏

My sister in law told me she didn't like me on Saturday then threw a fit because I told her that was fine, she didn't have to like me, I didn't marry her, I married her brother!

Would they shut up and be nicer if you were actually honest and showed you were upset? I’ve seen people given a bit of a wake up when their victim started crying.

Another tactic is to return any question or recommendation with a question - 'little Timmy really should be walking by now' answer with 'oh really? What makes you say that' let them answer then ideally, ask them to explain it again. Can be entertaining. 'You don't suit your hair short' - 'oh really, why do you think that?' Maybe co-opt others to join in the conversation - don't suffer in silence, so when your DH returns...oh DH do you think I should have my hair short, your mum thinks I look fat with it like this, what do you think. Show no shame....

I sent my Mum a “did you mean to be rude” text once 😂. She is rude but isn’t trying to be so it worked well. I agree it doesn’t work with someone deliberately being unpleasant.
My favourite approach now is silence. Works really well! Takes a little practice but really works.

My favourite approach now is silence. Works really well! Takes a little practice but really works.

Especially with a raised eyebrow 😄

Wow that's interesting, thanks for your opinion...then carry on doing it your way.
That's one way of looking at it, yes...
If they're judging others, then, 'well I guess we don't know all the circumstances' (not rude but shutting them down).
If they're really rude, then be more challenging (I did this with my patronising SiL once when she was congratulating herself that her children went to sleep easier than mine ) 'Are you actually saying your parenting is better than mine?' For once, she shut up and just blustered a bit.

Not clever responses, but my go to ones (in order) for unwanted parenting 'advice' from MIL:

"Oh yeah, could do" <then change subject>
"hmmm, that doesn't sound like something we'd do" <then change subject>
"no-one does it that way any more, things have moved on since then"

"you asked me about that before, don't you remember?"

DH prefers the "oh really, why do you say that?" approach but I mostly can't be bothered.

My go to phrase in these sort of situations, and many others, is “thank you for telling me”.

It cuts off the conversation, is completely non committal but sounds polite.

Don't go.

You already know they are not kind people.

There are no rules that say you must put up with judgemental inlaws.

Just shock them and ask her how is her sex life and is she still have sex at her age, that will shock her into shutting the hell up ha!!

For me I could not stay with them as like my own space so would rent somewhere or stay in a tent so would not have to put up with them all day and night.

They are all very negative and critical people, often times judging others or criticizing my parenting styles, family rules and choices

How do your DCs benefit by trying to bond with people like that?
All the clever witticisms in the world will not stop negative criticising bullies in their tracks if they really are as bad as you describe.

Why 3 entire weeks? A weekend would be more than enough.

You haven't mentioned yet how your DH responds to all of this, which is key to this issue. It's one thing if you have a fully supportive DH who is willing to stand up for you and shield you, However, If your DH is spineless and puts up with it, stays silent, or just tells you not to make such a fuss, then you need a conversation about his reaction to this treatment and why he thinks it's justified. If he hasn't got your back and leaves you to fend for yourself then don't go.

I say this because you describe this behaviour as not just coming from one or two people but a whole bunch of them. So even if the clever comments work on one, you have the next lot queuing up for their turn.
Normally I'd say that the bat-back comments are a convenient way of shutting these issues down, but in this case, dealing with a group of them at once, perhaps you could consider abandoning politeness and saying it like it is - "Why do you make such negative critical comments?"

Or that you find their negative critical comments really difficult to handle, and if they can't tone it down, you will give up trying to engage with them. It is a confrontational approach, but is that worse than being slowly picked on?

My parents are like this I spent my childhood listening to the criticise everyone else until I realised it was them with the problem. A few months ago I politely pointed it out and told them their grandchildren had noticed ( they commented on it at 8) result is they are now not speaking to us. I would meet and have.day out or do something where you can leave early

Oh I couldn't be bothered to be polite. I'd be saying 'oh, is that the way you'd do it? Excellent! Looks like I'm on the right track with my approach then'. Or 'thank god the world has moved away from that kind of thinking then'.

Smile and say 'oh that's a good idea' or 'I'll try that' (and carry on with what you're doing) or if they are being critical just repeats what they've said 'Jonny was so much more advanced' 'I've put weight on' or ask them to repeat themselves

I used to say “thanks for your concern” and very obviously carry on doing the same thing!

Years ago, I used the bingo idea when dealing with an ex. Totally took the power away from him, can thoroughly recommend.

Why would you want your children to bond with these people? Forced bonding doesn’t work - a relationship forms through affection and respect.

As the Grandchild of a Grandmother like that please don't build a bond between your children and them. Just because they are related by blood does not make them good people. Stop putting up with it. I know you are going to say that if we don't go they will go ballistic, so let them. Stop letting them have this hold over you.

I don't understand this.. Don't you have a husband who is their son? Did you tell him they are rude and critising you? Why can't HE say something to them?

Probably something along the lines of

"I wouldn't criticise my parenting if I were you - I see first hand how's yours turned out and im not liking your work"