I am not going mad

[Weeteeny]

I have undeniable evidence that my DH has been a serial adulterer for almost my entire marriage.
I have confronted him before and his reaction is to deny deny deny. Even as I was holding his phone with the tell tale text messages in front of his face he snatched it and said it is nonsense and I am insane.In the past I have overheard him on the phone telling another woman he loves her, found text messages from his ex arraging to meet up in a hotel, numerous texts from others that indicate infidelity but he makes out I am imagining everything, going bonkers along the lines of what I think it was Richard Hillman did to Audrey in Coronation St.
He tells me he loves me, makes plans for the future, moving house etc, more DC and generally I have just thought well it must be me he really loves if he is still with me. He is good to me in many ways, loves our DC. Kind and generous apart from all this crap.I have packed my bags I dont know how many times but I never get out the door. he tells me he loves me, the DC and how can I(?) wreck our DC's lives and throw all that away? etc

The latest indiscretion of his is finally getting too much for me to bare for numerous reasons. He has no idea that I know.

I want to leave or ideally him to leave (which I know for certain he wont) I am terrified of the consequences and dont know where to start. I am so ashamed of being with a man like this, horrified if my family finds out what I have put up with. I dont even know what I will do from the replys I receive just had to finally tell someone what I really put up with in my seemingly perfect life.

Weeteeny - you said it yourself with punctuation - it isn't you who is wrecking the family.

It's not you weeny. You are not crazy.

He is abusing you!

I'm glad you want to leave, I couldn't put up with that either.

Make a start by putting important papers away and hiding them where he doesn't know. Tell no one.
Save up a few quid here and there, preferably in a high interest saver acct. (ING Direct do one of these)

Don't ever feel ashamed. It is HIM that is making you feel this way...never deny your feelings or gut instincts.

Feel for you and sending you gentle hugs ((()))

Oh, one final thing. Don't tell him you know about the latest indiscretion, he will use it against you. Keep quiet, rant on here. x x x

Agree with PurpleOne. Plan exit strategy even if it doesn't come to that. It should help you to keep control and keep quiet about the latest fling for now. And can you get professional/legal/CAB advice without him finding out? I feel for you too. One always feels one should say "counselling" but you get the impression he doesn't think there's a problem. I hope things work out somehow.

poor you

I really hope you can sort this out - you are not mad and him saying that is just being so dis-respectful to you and that is far worse than putting it about a bit.

This is important to you and he should respect that more than any of his own selfish desires.

I hope you do find the strengh to confront him and make him see that he has now pushed you too far.

My h has cheated on me and we are slowly working through it but i do think it took him really knowing that he was about to lose everything, for him to start giving me the respect i know i deserve.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on you know you deserve so much more than this.

Weeteeny, you deserve so much better, you really do. I admire you for writing it down and telling people as now you've taken a step forward.

I know you can't see how things will work out in your future, but I just know you will find the support and help you need. No one is judging you - it's not your fault - he obviously doesn't know how to behave or how to respect you properly. You are a valuable person and deserve better.

(hug)

Thank you for your replys, last night after I posted we went straight to bed and I tried to talk to him with no avail. As usual the conversation turned to my failings, I am a good mum, keep a good house but I have no ambition apparently, have let myself go (?) why don't I ever buy new clothes, get my hair done etc. i.e what his girlfriend obviously has time to do. For the record I don't think I am a complete dog, though I have gone up a size fron when he first met me, and my disposable income tends to go on the children as oppose with keeping up the latest fashion. I do make an effort every day with what I have but obviously it is not good enough.

The conv was cut short as DS woke up and then this morning I totally blew up, I am ashamed to say in front of children. Told him i knew about his other woman and basically went beserk. It wasn't pretty.

He did his usual deny deny deny, with the odd comment like well thats what you get for snooping around. First she didnt exist, then she did but there is nothing in it. Trust me by the nature of the texts going back and forth between them there is.

Then when he had left for work I texted OW and told her I had told him to move out and I would be grateful if she could take the b***d in as I dont want him and he is refusing to go. I was very polite.

Sent him a few abusive texts though, just for good measure. His replies varied from her non existance and my madness to she did and she is married , Also if I wasnt so fat, improved in the sack etc. Then miraculously he sends me text in the afternoon LOVE U. Comes in from work like nothing has happened and is currently in the living room next door watching telly. I told him earlier to move out but he is totally ignoring that. I dont want to start again in front of the children obviously. Meanwhile he is smirking next door beleiving he has got away with it again and i will bow down.
It has been really emotional reading the messages because now I know the true situation i am in, I think he relys on the fact my greatest fear is other people knowing how weak I am. I still dont know how I am going to handle this

Kick. Him. To. The. Kerb.

How utterly dare he treat you this way. If you were spending your time on your appearance no doubt this would be wrong too as it would mean he had to look after the kids whilst you did it! (I assume he's aware of the fact hair straighteners and small children do not mix? Oh he isn't?! Quelle grande surprise).

In what world could you be wrecking your dc's lives over this? The man is betraying his family, not just you.

Between us we can find a way for you to handle this. You don't have to get there overnight. This man has done a thorough job in destroying your self-confidence and it's bound to take time for you to get that back. But you're on the right road, it leads to freedom - for you and the dc.

Keep posting.

I had to get if off my chest and explode at him but part of me also dreams of the situation where I could build up an escape plan, like suggested by purpleone, and just one day walk out of this house and see the look on his face. If only. I have been on the net today looking for a better paid job so I can support the children and myself but I dont know how I am ever going to get the money together to put a roof over our heads. He will never leave this house or this marriage I am sure of it. I am not saying he wont want it to end just that he can tell everyone it my doing.

Do it!!! Plan your exit strategy and have that as your aim. Get some money saved up in an account he can't touch. Get your hair cut, buy some clothes - so whateever it takes NOW to get your confidence back to if you decide to go there's no looking back!

Investigate your legal options - whether you can keep the house and force him to leave; what happens if you go; etc.

Do your homework so that you can reclain your life!!

Good luck and keep posting!

xxx

Thank you trulymadlydeeply your message has made me see that just maybe I can do this. maybe I should let him think I am bowing down again but secretly start organising things? Where can I get legal advice that is free , I have lawyer friend but they are too close to the family.

I am feeling really emotional and struggling to keep it together at times, but reading posts have given me a bit of strength. Thank you everybody

Everyone will understand that he is the one who has broken up the marriage by his serial infidelity - you have done your best to keep it going and have given him chance after chance but he has chosen to ignore his vows. As in 'I tried to make it work but unfortunately he didn't seem able to make a real committment to me, and had several affairs'.

You are married and have children therefore have well defined and protected rights. It is free to find out what these are - go to Citizens Advice. Check the CSA website to see what maintenance he would have to pay for the children. Check Wikivorce, which has a handy reckoner to see what you could get in capital and maintenance if you split up. First, easy steps.

You can do this. In fact, you have to!

My father was a serial adulterer for the whole of my parents' 13 year marriage. I grew up in an atmosphere of tension, constant arguments and no displays of love, affection or even respect between them. It totally screwed up my ability to relate to others, my self-esteem and even now, many years after they divorced, that poisonous atmosphere still casts a faint shadow. I will never understand why my mother kept taking him back, or why he didn't just leave (it certainly wasn't because of his children) - neither of them were happy in the marriage.
Please do not subject your children to years of fighting and tension, they deserve better, and so do you. Please go to a solicitor tomorrow and find out what you can do. You are not weak, he is.

Well things have basically gone from bad to worse since my last post. he basically was keepingup the pretence that there was absolutely nothing in this, and that the texts I had seen were from some pyscho who got a hold of his number. Basically changing his story to suit whatever.
I resigned myself to the fact I shouldnt even care am trying to make plans to leave anyway. Then this morning he left his phone unattended whilst in shower and I checked it again. 4 texts from OW as yet unread by him, need you here now etc, and intimating she is pregnant. When he came out his shower he walked up and tried to initiate some tenderness and was pretty suprised when I told him to F off. I then went beserk grabbed his phone and called OW who answered hi sweetheart. He stood there panicking whilst I gave her absuse and she told me that as far as she was concerned they were still seeing other, she knows I we have 2 children under 3 but thats my problem, it is ME that has wrecked my marriage. Husband still meanwhile protesting innocence. She thenm hung upon me just as well really. I went absolutely mental throwing things about, I think scaring my DH who finally realised I am serious about him moving out. The worstthing is we were expected at my mums for our sons birthday party today. I have spent the whole day weeping and banned him from my family's get together telling them he was unwell as I didnt want upset on my little ones birthday.

I just dont know what do to, he says it his bloody house and he is going nowhere, he won't sleep on the couch. Therefore I will have to go but my fdamilyt have no room and I have no money of my own, therefore I cant even feed my children if I move out. he is still alternating between there is nothing going on, she is just some psycho (i cant spell I know) to we can sort this out.

The OW meanwhile has been texting me saying I am a coldhearted callous witch etc therefore no wonder he goes elsewhere and also she finds out for defo tomorrow if she is pregnant. He is only with me because of the children etc. A really nice lady NOT.

I came back tonight and he is calmly talking about what new car he thinks we should get, where we should move to for good schools etc. I am sitting her sobbing as I feel so stuck and alone I cant escape. No matter what I tell him, or how I say it he wont take it in I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. My beautiful DC do not deserve to be uprouted because of his actions. Why should I be the one who has to leave. I honestly feel if I have to stay in this house I wont be responisble for my actions towards him. The first step I know is telling my family so perhaps they can support me in some way (they are unable financially)but I dont know if I can

Tomorrow no doubt he come home xpecting his dinner on the table, perhaps I should put some arsenic in it

shou;d add i am therefore on the couch and he is sleeping soundly in our kingsize double bed. Tne OW tells me she will find out tomorrow if she is pregnant which makes me think she probably is at it as , would yo not just go out and buy a test kit instead of making appointments and wait results.

can i get arsenic at my local chemists?

(((weeteeny)))

Am so sorry you are having to deal with such a knobhead.

Not sure what to say but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

This is totally NOT your fault in anyway, shape or form. Just as he's telling you a pack of lies, you can be damn well sure he will be feeding her a load as well.

Maybe you could ring your local CAB or get a free half hour with a solicitor. You would definitely be able to start divorcing proceedings with his adultary as the cause. But a solicitor would also tell you exactly what you can and can't do.

I would go ahead and tell everyone of his infidelity and that his got some sleezy biatch pregnant. Bet he would be mortified if everyone knew.

I think the calmer and more quietly evil you are, the more scared he will be. If you can bear it, please don't move out yet.

I wouldn't bother with poison, not painful enough for him......

Somebody told me once that the one who moves out first is always the loser and that the opther will end up rights to the house. The house is in joint names but he pays the mortgage whereas I pay for food, household and childcare. I am scared if I go, not only am I distressing the children I lose the house completely.
I have no doubt he is feeding her a croc load of S**t too, judging by what she said to me today. I had no idea that women actually still fall for the "my wife doesnt understand me" line etc but I have been gullible to take him back when I know he has been unfaithful before so who knows, I am just as stupid. Either that or she just ses a guy with money and who cares if he is married with kids or not.
Scared of what will come tomorrow. in the past he has always thought I will come round and if I have been slow in doing so become threatening. I am determined that whatever he does to me I am seeing this through to the end of this marriage, unless of course the children are suffering and I have to leave with them. Don't want to go to sleep (cant anyway the couch in uncomfortable) as tomorrow will come all the quicker.

You poor poor thing.

I'd say - first step tomorrow. Tell your family. It's the hardest thing to do but once they know he will have nothing more to hold over you and you will have moral support. Tell his family too for good measure.

Then the bugger will know you can't be pacified any longer.

Don't move out of your house. I know that much. You're a mother with children. Do not move out.

He is the one who has broken up your marriage. He is the one who is in the wrong.

Until you can take further action, do you think you can maintain a level of civility until you work out a plan of action?

Obviously you can't trust him anymore - he's a liar and a fake and does not deserve a woman like you. He's destroyed his family and well, doesn't seem to really care about it. What a weasel. The OW is so stupid. He's been unfaithful to you - does she really think she's so special he won't do it to her? She's been duped by him too.

YOu must contact CAB. I don't have any legal advice for you, I'm sorry but please don't leave your home. Keep some stability for your kids by way of your home.

Good luck and keep posting.

Make an appointment tomorrow to see a solicitor specialising in family law. Most will do a free or reduced-fee initial interview. Make sure you have your marriage certificate somewhere safe - you will need this if you petition for divorce.

I do think that a divorce petition is the only thing which is going to make him realise that his behaviour has gone far too far. Clearly he is not going to do anything himself as he has it all too easy. You could check with the solicitor to see if there is anyway you can get him removed from the house because of the emotional abuse.

You do not have to put up with such shit. And he should be very afraid - particularly if this woman is pregnant as he won't be able to walk away from that responsibility either.

Weeteeny. What an utter mindfuck. Do you have anyone you could confide in?

You shouldn't have to put up with that.

thank you everybody who has replied, I wont leave even to bunk down on at the floor at my mums on the strength of your replies. He has lots of money therefore has the means to go, christ he has OW to go to too.
You are right I need to tell somebody, like my family. I dont feel I have anyone I can confide in, my close friends (3 of) have moved away and we have grown apart thought we still blab on the phone occasionally....have to go little one has woken up...very unusual

If the other woman is married then there is a chance that the baby may belong to her dh.

No matter what happens, whether she is pg or not, I would plan to get him out of the family home.

See CAB, see what you are entitled to without him.. no man has the right to treat you like this & think you will put up with it. Jesus, no way!!

How dare he make you feel crap about yourself!! Do you know the OW? How did she get your phone number?

I would tell your family, get it all out in the open, sometimes saying it out loud is the first step to accepting that things can change.

When he goes to work tomorrow, put the snick down on the lock, so his key won't work. Lock any other doors/windows that he has access to. Legally I don't think you can change your locks, but this way you can stop him getting in!

Hide and make sure that you and your kids are out of sight, so that he thinks he's locked out - but you haven't actually changed the locks.

I would also suggest that you call the OW and have a calm and rational conversation with her, so that you can state your case and find out exactly what he has told her. Don't get emotional, just state your case.

And then text your dh and tell him that he isn't coming home and he will have to find somewhere else to go.

Just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. See a solicitor or cab if possible, start making plans for you and the kids, without him knowing, take back some of the control this dickhead has taken from you, thousands of women have been and still are in this position, and you can make a better life for you and the kids. let him live his crap, seedy little life, he's going to be one sad old man one day.

Hi Weeteeny

Tell your mum what is going on so you can get some support. ALso, if his family knows too, they may put pressure on him to do the right thing and start dealing with this horrid mess HE has created.

You're very brave - keep posting - and find out what your rights are - get an appt with family solicitor and do web researchx

PS don't poison him even though he deserves it ;-)