I am not going mad

[Weeteeny]

I have undeniable evidence that my DH has been a serial adulterer for almost my entire marriage.
I have confronted him before and his reaction is to deny deny deny. Even as I was holding his phone with the tell tale text messages in front of his face he snatched it and said it is nonsense and I am insane.In the past I have overheard him on the phone telling another woman he loves her, found text messages from his ex arraging to meet up in a hotel, numerous texts from others that indicate infidelity but he makes out I am imagining everything, going bonkers along the lines of what I think it was Richard Hillman did to Audrey in Coronation St.
He tells me he loves me, makes plans for the future, moving house etc, more DC and generally I have just thought well it must be me he really loves if he is still with me. He is good to me in many ways, loves our DC. Kind and generous apart from all this crap.I have packed my bags I dont know how many times but I never get out the door. he tells me he loves me, the DC and how can I(?) wreck our DC's lives and throw all that away? etc

The latest indiscretion of his is finally getting too much for me to bare for numerous reasons. He has no idea that I know.

I want to leave or ideally him to leave (which I know for certain he wont) I am terrified of the consequences and dont know where to start. I am so ashamed of being with a man like this, horrified if my family finds out what I have put up with. I dont even know what I will do from the replys I receive just had to finally tell someone what I really put up with in my seemingly perfect life.

Weeteeny, agree with Mitford above. I am speechless with what you are having to put up with. I agree that you should NOT have to move out.
Please keep in mind that his behaviour is abusive, pure and simple. Dont be fooled by any meek/affectionate behaviour and remember that he has demonstrated a complete lack of respect for you and your DC's.
Focus on you and your babies, forget about him. Put money away if you can, or pretend you have less than you do so he has to pay bills.
He will not change, so look after yourself, he longer deserves the privilege of your love and consideration - he forfeited that with this unspeakable behaviour.
Good luck and keep posting.

Hi

Am thinking of you too - you should not have to move out and i think legally you can stay anyway.

Be strong and dignified he is the one who has messed up not you.

You can do this and we are all here for you. The ow is just trying to make you feel bad because she feels so dreadful about herself and is probably scared he will not stand by her.

She knew he was a liar in the first place so she is the real fool in all this.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

And you can do this. You just need a bit of help and advice. The very fact that you've held yourself together so well until now just shows how very very strong you are.

Stand your ground. Your H has messed up big time. You have not. He has to leave. He can't abuse your marriage like this and not expect you to want out.

I hope you get some good advice. Meanwhile, be coldly polite to your H.

Can you get to tthe CAB today? Or phone them.

I would :

1. Tell friends and family and get support.
2. Start divorce proceedings
3. Open a new bank account in my own name, and make copies of all important paperwork.
4. Dump his stuff in bin bags on the front step, and have all the locks down as BEcauseImworthIt says.

All those asap. But the most important first off is tell friends and family, and STAY IN THE HOUSE. I also would not have his dinner on the table, or continue being a wife to him in any way while he is still in the house.

I'm not normally inclined to say end the marriage straight off on these threads, but in your case - I agree with Freckle, he won't take anything else seriously. I've been told I'm a paranoid psycho in the past too, it's amazing how one will try and believe anything other than what is staring us in the face. You are not weak or stupid, just believed in your marriage - pity he didn't.

Putting on my accountant hat here - I'd be off to the bank first chance you get today. Even before you see a solicitor.

If you have a joint account that's an "or" instead of an "and" for signatories, you are running a risk of him clearing out the joint acct before it would be frozen by divorce proceedings. If this man is sleazy enough to guilt you into sleeping on the couch after his infidelity, I wouldn't put it past him.

You don't want to clear it out yourself, but you have every right to move, say, at least two months worth of living expenses for your children and the mortgage moved to a savings account just for the purpose. And to stop having your own pay going towards that account.

Divorce him. Honestly, there is no saving this marriage. He lied and lied again. He lacks a baseline level of respect for you. I'm not sure how he can develop it. He probably learned this behaviour from his own family. Don't expect a lot of support from them. Your own family might be a mixed bag, but you won't know until you tell them.

Not good to fight in front of the kids about this, true, but don't beat yourself up about it. Your children know there is something wrong. They know mum is upset and anxious and that dad is being sneaky. They knew something was going on that wasn't good or right.

Best of luck with this. Please keep posting!

seems a bit of a coincidence that the ow is now "pregnant" given that you became aware of this situation. I'd bet any money that she isn't pregnant but is saying she is to gain the upper hand. If he treats you like this, then there's every chance he's told her that he can't leave you for whatever reason and she's playing this card to try and keep him. I'd say she's welcome to him.

I agree with the poster above, I would change your bank details so your salary goes into another account, I would then sift off some of the money gradually so as to have enough to live on when he eventually leaves. And I would tell your family.

And I would be tempted to tell ow that she's not the first and probably won't be the last.

had similAR FINANCIAL SITUATION ALTHOUGH WE WERE NOT MARRIED - NO REASON FOR YOU TO MOVE (sorry caps lock on) but you can not get him out the house unfortunatly, its in joint names (I had the police called on me when I put his stuff out!)

however, get the estate agents round - thats what I did and it certainly woke up him - although we are stell splitting - thank god! I look over my old posts and cant understand why I was so bothered - my life is soooo much better less than a year later than it EVER was with him in it - see if you can find my thread "think i may have been right" - I got lots of sound advice from s others that really helped legally etc - so sorry you are going through this crap

How is it going weeteeny?

You will be the one entitled to the house. Most courts take it on balance that your contributions as a full time house keeper and childminder are worth half the house value, then the courts will tell DH that the children are allowed to stay in the house until they are 16 or 18. It starts to become a battle when finances are being sorted, who pays the mortgage etc. Or whether its easier for the house to be sold and the proceed's divided equally, so that you can move on with your DC's.

The care of the children will be dealt with as a seperate matter from the divorce as your children are not divorcing him. Dont let him get your back up by saying he will contest the custody of the children by telling the court you are a bad mother as the courts have heard that one so many times it not only got whiskers its grown roots.

You can also start divorce proceedings yourself directly from the court, but it's not advised when there is property and children involved.

Locking the doors with all of his clothes outside will make an be a good start.

Good luck and keep strong.

sounds like a bastard he is abusin you mentally calling you insane while cheating on you,you deserve better get rid it will be hard but do you still want to be doing this in ten/twenty years?