Kids vs my needs

[Mrsrai]

I feel like our relationship has ended, no connection, no intimacy, terrible communication. We function as a family (2 primary aged children), but there's nothing really left between us. I constantly think of separating, it's driving me mad.

Are my needs greater than the children's? Should I stay for their benefit & stability?
Is it better for them to have a stable environment even though they're not seeing a loving relationship?

We've worked hard & built our life over 20 years, lovely home, settled in community. I wouldn't be able to keep house, also worried about managing financially. Is managing enough, when we're comfortable now? Rising costs worry me too.

I tried individual counselling briefly which turned into couples counselling but neither of us are very invested. Not sure the counsellor even thought we could reconnect.

He wants to stay together but doesn't do much to show that's the case. I do all the family thinking & he's like a passive participant, so would be quite content to continue as we are. I'm screaming inside.

How do you balance the needs of your children over your own selfish needs?

After 20 years, starting again & not knowing if I can manage is so scary. Causing so much upset & upheaval feels incredibly selfish.
Am I better off living like this and just doing more for myself, like going out with friends, getting a hobby (mum's suggestion!). But I just don't know if that's enough.

How do you know it’s the end and worth causing all the upset?

First post, so apologies for the jumble of thoughts.

I was you 11 years ago. I'm afraid I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life so I ended it. Best decision I ever made.

Thank you for replying. Do you have children? How did they react to the changes?

I was you but didn’t go, please don’t stay. Kids adapt. Get your ducks in a row and see a family solicitor, they will tell you what to expect financially.

I hope you’re ok @KangarooKenny . If it was just me, I’d have finished it years ago. I’m just so scared of the impact on the children. Also brought up to believe marriage is a commitment to be honoured. Hard to shake off those feelings, but absolutely appreciate times have changed.

After 20 years I don’t think anyone can question your commitment - it’s ok to outgrow the relationship and after such a long time it’s to be expected in some ways. You could stay, and slowly but surely lose your vitality and joy, or leave and see what to future might bring. Deciding to stay for everyone else happiness will mean giving more and more of yourself away in the process, only you know how much more you have to give.

@Mrsrai I'd been feeling the same as you got a long time.
The kept telling myself it was utterly selfish to destroy our daughter's world.
However things came to a head as I always knew they probably would, you can't live your life feeling that way it eats away at you.
We separated in April after 21 years together. We have just put our beautiful home up for sale as I can't afford it on my own. I'll find somewhere else and make it a new home for me and DD (she is 10).
She has coped amazingly and I needn't have worried so much about it. She had a couple of weeks crying not wanting to go to school but we got through it and her school have been fantastic. We definitely live in a happier home now, we see friends more often and I feel positive for the future.
Good luck 💐

@ToTheNextChapter sums up my experience perfectly so no need to repeat but would add my support. Yes your happiness is worth it. No you're not being selfish. Yes you're scared, you'd be foolish not to be.... BUT deep down, you know that gnawing unrelenting feeling will never go away. Take action when you're ready but do take action. Your DD will need time to adjust and plenty of love from both of you but she'll be fine. Just takes time and a whole lot of bravery. Good luck... the other side feels so free xx

Thank you for your messages, I’m so pleased to hear your positivity.
I lurch from googling divorce solicitors to thinking Oh it’s not so bad, he just made me a cup of tea!!
He’s not a bad person, I just feel we’ve outgrown each other but I’m the only one acknowledging this, so become the person destroying our family. He gets to travel with his job, dip in and out of family life while not having to engage with me on any personal level.

@ToTheNextChapter I hope you find a new home & settle soon.
@Ilosthim I can totally relate to your description of the gnawing unrelenting feeling. It’s constant.
Thank you again.

If one of your children came to you for advice in 20 years time in the same situation, what would you be advising them?

@baileys6904 i would have said something years before!! No way I could have kept my opinion quiet for 20years! But you are right.
I think that is why it hurts when my mum says to “think of the kids” & to find fulfilment in hobbies & friends. I know it goes back to her own choices, but it still hurts. I also feel like I’m repeating history by staying.

@Mrsrai times change and so do attitudes. Your mum would have grown up in different times and women have become far more empowered in society nowadays.

There's only you can break the cycle

Please please please break the cycle. Your kids will thank you in the future for having the strength to leave and be happy. 2 happy homes are better than 1 unhappy home.

We're in 2022, you don't have to grin and bear it.

I could have written this, I'm in exactly the same position. Husband v passive and making all the right noises but I can't see or feel any changes.
I have one teenage DS and he is aware we may seperate, and has been v sensible about it, saying we both deserve to be happy etc.
You sound v kind and selfless, I would say to you to listen to your gut and seperate. Everyone will be OK. It's SO easy to say this to you, but I can't seem to convince myself 100% that's what I need to do! This Limbo situation is awful.
Good luck.

I was tormented with the same thoughts, that I'd be fucking my kids up if we split. In reality they're thriving now, as am I. They've been saved the trauma of growing up in an unhappy home with two resentful, miserable b parents. And while mine are young still, they are happy to go between us both. It helps that we have a very friendly and amicable relationship and can spend time together chatting and laughing, which didn't happen so much when we were together.

Mostly I see a huge difference in me, and that affects them. I'm happier in myself, I'm more relaxed and more present. I'm not angry, or distracted, and they don't get caught in the crossfire or witness arguments (which would have happened in the past). Do what's right for you, and do it as carefully and as intentionally as you can, that's what will be right for them too.

You can’t go in forever feeling like you do, but what does happiness look like to you? Splitting up, divorcing and starting again is no picnic, particularly if you think happiness is linked to a relationship. Kids don’t want to see unhappy parents but to be honest they don’t want to see endless boyfriends etc like I did as a kid with my mum putting her romantic needs before me. What would make your life happy do you think?

I just want a relaxed happy home with my children. I’m not thinking of future relationships, it’s about being able to breathe.
I think we could function as a family, where he comes & goes with work, joins in when he wants, puts the bins out & mows the lawn. But the resentment creeps in and it’s harder and harder not to say the little cutting remarks. And it’s this the children must pick up on. He just wants a quiet life where he’s not challenged or asked to make an effort. It’s always on his terms. But we are both poor at communicating. He can’t, and I can’t be bothered anymore.
I really appreciate all the comments and I hope others can find the peace too. I’m going to make an appointment with a solicitor and focus on the practical parts of separation.

I think you should separate/divorce .

I stayed but now have little self respect and am living a lie .

@peridito I’m sorry to hear that, are you able to leave now? Do you mind me asking what is stopping you?

im in exactly the same situation OP @Mrsrai
everyday i try to build up the courage to have the chat. I just cant go on like this. I hate living in limbo. I feel paralysed to make a decision!

@Mrsrai First of all I should say that I'm in my 70s and I suppose that puts a slightly different perspective on things .Lack of energy and physical stamina and a mix of pragmatism ,giving up ,acceptance .
So many things stop me leaving . The guilt that I would cause a great deal of hurt and upheaval to my partner and my son (the latter is adult but still living at home ).How can I prioritise my desire "to be able to breathe" as you so poignantly described it over what it would do to them ?

My partner is not a bad person but he is selfish and lazy .I feel I have allowed these traits to harden by not challenging them over the years .But I look back with horror at all I've had to do and carry on my own .But I also recognise my own part in the dynamic ,I think we are bad for each other .I don't respect him ,I don't like him ,I hate the thought of getting older with him and living with his habits .
He has no idea that I would like to move out ,I think it would be beyond him .I know many will say that he must know ,but he has his own world and range of activities outside where we live .
I feel I have wasted my life and long to be myself where I'm not endlessly trying (and of course not always succeeding ) to hide my resentment at my situation .

It all sounds very petty - especially when so many are struggling to keep many plates spinning and have real problems relating to finances ,addiction ,abuse .

Countless stories of people regretting staying together for the children. Also children who are hurt at the though that their parents stayed together for them.

Could you agree to just live your own lives? Get an interesting job, make new friends, look at new relationships and yes interesting hobbies, gym etc? That way your children have stability and a comfortable life and you get the things you are missing. You could then leave with an established relationship set up. Leaving now means losing your home, still having most of the childcare (if he still travels with his job), still managing the mental load of running a home plus a full time job, wraparound child care and less money and security in the short term. You may or may not meet someone to love but seeing the chaos of OLD here, can you cope with that? Ok, you wouldn't need to cook for H or do his washing but is that enough of an incentive?

Thank you @peridito for your insight, it’s not petty at all. I know what you mean about looking back at the horrors, all the red flags were there, but discounted as there were a lot of positives. I’m less tolerant now too.

And thank you @cottagegardenflower for a different option. Part of my resentment stems from the fact he does as little as possible at home, so living separate lives would mean I’m the housekeeper, childcare, general family manager etc whilst he gets to swan in and out. I am doing more things for myself, but I have to check his availability before committing to anything in case he hasn’t bothered to tell me he’s away. We have a general mutual respect issue too. Nothing would change for him.

Hi there, your situation sounds very similar to mine, except I think I’m further along. We are breaking up and it’s al about to unfold this summer. One thing I’ve realised is thinking about it and doing it at every different things. The fears you think about become much more real. That’s where I’m at. I’m hopeful but I’m frightened I suppose. I keep replying events that help me to keep somewhat sure of myself but it’s hard. It’s like a death, or else it feels like my life has changed in the same way as something like that would. It’s very hard to explain. My husband too is not a bad man by any means more of a good boy. I’d do anything to change how I feel so I don’t have to face what I’ve set out to change. Summoning all the courage I have within me.

OP,
Lots of great posts.

The one thing I would like to correct you on is your assertion that he is not a bad man.

He certainly isn't a good husband.

He is an avoidant, selfish, lazy partner who leaves everything to you.

A shit husband and father.

No wonder you want rid of him.

As @peridito writes, laziness and selfishness has killed her relationship.

I think in preparation for leaving you need to ruthlessly review your finances and how you will manage on your own.

Stop doing ANYTHING that makes his life easier.

In the interim period, take your mothers advice and start leaving him to manage the children.

Go away for the weekend and leave him to it.
Arrange activities that get you out of the house.
Stop accommodating him not telling you he is away.

Make sure you get good legal advice so you get the very best pensions and financial settlement.

What age are your children?

You have allowed him to be a waster.

Stop allowing him to walk all over you.

He is not a good man.