Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am being unreasonable and I can’t work out that’s happening

31 replies

SuperblyUnreasonable · 27/06/2022 22:11

Been with DP for almost a year, both divorced, kids are similar ages, I’m resident parent, he isn’t. Met through OLD, he lives about 90 mins away. Both in our 50s, loads in common, we are v close and talk all the time throughout the day and see each other EOW minimum.

He has announced that he has no plans to move from his current location until his youngest is 18. This is 7 years. I have to stay near here for their schools, he sees his EOW and even then it’s not all of them as eldest is off to college.

I get this, as much as it’s possible to. It just feels somewhat unilateral. And maybe that’s not what I signed up for.

On the other hand I love my own space, I love having the house to myself and being able to live to my own rules etc.

So why have I got the hump???

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 27/06/2022 22:17

I think you've got the hump because we are sold the idea of moving in together as a sign of commitment.
Also, relationships after divorce are very different to ore divorce, no kids ones. So pré kids one of you would have been making efforts to move to "be together".

I think your partner is right to be upfront about yours position and put his kids first.

I have done the same, admittedly it's not a 7 year deadline but I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and am clear that I am staying where I am for another 2 years til ds2 finishes school... And I'm not moving anyone in either.

RNBrie · 27/06/2022 22:21

I don't get this. You can't move and he doesn't want to either. It's not like you're willing to compromise and he isn't? Neither of you are. Do you think his role as a parent is less important than yours because he's not the resident parent?

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 27/06/2022 22:23

because we are sold the idea of moving in together as a sign of commitment.

Yes. I think it’s that I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time somehow. Which is ridiculous and we have a lovely time together.

so maybe it’s a commitment that I want but I don’t actually have a clue what that looks like…

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 27/06/2022 22:24

RNBrie · 27/06/2022 22:21

I don't get this. You can't move and he doesn't want to either. It's not like you're willing to compromise and he isn't? Neither of you are. Do you think his role as a parent is less important than yours because he's not the resident parent?

No - but I’m the resident parent, my ex husband is an hour away so it’s all on me.

I know I’m being a dick here. I’m trying to unpick how/why.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/06/2022 22:28

You just wish that there was a possibility that things would progress “in due course” which in your mind 7 years is not. That’s all it is. His timeline seems unfair, even though you know it’s not.

And when his youngest gets older perhaps he will change his mind. But for now seems fair that he tells you upfront this is his timeline.

parrotonthesofa · 27/06/2022 22:30

I think it's a good sign that he wants to stay near his kids. He may end up deciding that hecan move when the youngest is say 16 but I think it's good that he wants to stay near them.

CherrySocks · 27/06/2022 22:41

I'm not sure why you've used the word "announced" ?

Would the words "clearly stated" not apply?

He has clearly stated that he will stay living where he can spend time with his children.

Isn't that a good thing that a good parent should want to do?

Maybe you would have like it if he had prefaced it with "although I would love to spend more time with you" - is that it?

(I'm not criticising, I'm trying to help you work out what has made you feel disgruntled)

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 07:46

I think what’s annoying me a bit is that he doesn’t actually see them THAT much. EOW tops.

It sort of seems like we run parallel lives until then. I need to give myself a shake.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 07:47

Maybe you would have like it if he had prefaced it with "although I would love to spend more time with you" - is that it?

yes! Stroked my ego a bit!

OP posts:
Almostthere1 · 28/06/2022 08:07

I get you OP. If you deep down want to move in with your partner reasonably soon and share your life, not to be visitors in each other’s lives - then acknowledge that need and don’t deny you have it. The question is: does he share this vision with you at all? 7 years is a long time and if you stay in this relationship I’d abandon the hope of living together and just enjoy what you can have. Otherwise the resentment will creep in and you’ll be unhappy in this relationship anyway.

Watchkeys · 28/06/2022 09:11

I don't think you're being a dick; you're just having some feelings. You haven't taken any action on them, and you can't beat yourself up for having feelings, they're not under your control.

I just think you're not getting what you want, or what you expected, and you're not happy about it. If you hadn't discussed it between the two of you beforehand (i.e. if he hasn't gone against his word), then it's just a basic misunderstanding.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 28/06/2022 09:18

I mean this kindly OP, but you have been together a matter of months. He has dependant children so quite rightly isnt planning on moving away from them yet. Your relationship is still early days and for him to consider anything other than the status quo would be foolish.

Player001 · 28/06/2022 09:23

Could it be that you feel he has taken away your ability to control the situation somewhat? You can't now say to him "I'm not ready to live with you just yet".

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 14:44

Yes. You’re all right. And he’s right. And that’s a bit annoying.

id like to be begged for and courted so I can knock back the idea a bit, as a PP pointed out! I know that’s not fair. And I know he’s being straight and yet that he loves me and we are ON.

im rethinking things a bit. Expectations mostly.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 14:46

And, because this is anonymous and I’m already a self confessed div, I lost loads of weight recently and I’d really like to look good in a wedding dress. I don’t even think I actually want to get married again, don’t know, but it was so bloody hard losing the weight and the thought of keeping it off for years until we are in a position to get married, is a bit depressing!

im FULLY aware I need a kick up the arse about this but I’m just being honest! 😐

OP posts:
Pinkpenlady · 28/06/2022 14:48

If you live 90 minutes apart, who goes to who?

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 15:52

He mostly comes to me because he’s not having to juggle children in the same way. In theory we try and take turns but in practice he comes here.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2022 16:00

You feel as though he's organising his life around convenience on alternate weekends, the section of his time that doesn't involve you.

The reality is, though, that he is the other parent. He could at any point need to step up as primary parent. Ensuring he's available for that, should it be needed, is not unreasonable.

It's like, I wouldn't take a job in a city 2 hours away because while I may have an excellent support network organised for normal time, ultimately it's me who carries the can for my kids.

Things like, if a child is hospitalised being able to drop everything to be there. If a child needs constant supervision at home after a medical emergency, being close enough to step up. If the mum breaks both legs, being within shouting distance if necessary.

You can parent at a distance, but it's easier not to. It isn't every other weekend, it's the 'just in case'.

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2022 16:00

SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 14:46

And, because this is anonymous and I’m already a self confessed div, I lost loads of weight recently and I’d really like to look good in a wedding dress. I don’t even think I actually want to get married again, don’t know, but it was so bloody hard losing the weight and the thought of keeping it off for years until we are in a position to get married, is a bit depressing!

im FULLY aware I need a kick up the arse about this but I’m just being honest! 😐

But there's nothing to stop you throwing a party and looking damn gorgeous in a drop dead dress!

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 16:03

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2022 16:00

You feel as though he's organising his life around convenience on alternate weekends, the section of his time that doesn't involve you.

The reality is, though, that he is the other parent. He could at any point need to step up as primary parent. Ensuring he's available for that, should it be needed, is not unreasonable.

It's like, I wouldn't take a job in a city 2 hours away because while I may have an excellent support network organised for normal time, ultimately it's me who carries the can for my kids.

Things like, if a child is hospitalised being able to drop everything to be there. If a child needs constant supervision at home after a medical emergency, being close enough to step up. If the mum breaks both legs, being within shouting distance if necessary.

You can parent at a distance, but it's easier not to. It isn't every other weekend, it's the 'just in case'.

That’s what he said. And from time to time he HAS had to drop everything, rightly so.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 16:04

picklemewalnuts · 28/06/2022 16:00

But there's nothing to stop you throwing a party and looking damn gorgeous in a drop dead dress!

Show quote history

V true. I got all romantic and princessy. Ugh. You’d think I’d have grown out of this by now.

I am effectively annoyed that he is a decent responsible man who has communicated clearly. The bastard.

OP posts:
anybloodyname · 28/06/2022 16:32

I love your honesty! And would probably feel exactly the same - I don't even have a partner as I hate the thought of having some hairy arsed bloke in my en suite .. but then feel sad I'm not in love 😂😂😂

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 16:37

I let him use my bathroom but not lift the seat. I caught him kneeing down for a wee. For everything else he uses the one under the stairs.

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 28/06/2022 16:43

I am the same as you OP. Was feeling confused by post kids divorce relationship stages. Also the early stage/ honeymoon infatuation with romance, weddings etc. However, initially we decided not to live together until youngest was 16 ( which was 7 years in). Then at 14 months in, we revised it to two years as our lives were becoming more blended. And that is what we have done ( in fact it was slightly earlier).

Things can evolve BUT I would personally put a inner deadline/ schedule on it, otherwise personally it would feel odd to be in a really settled ong term relationship living that far apart. Depending on nights together etc.

I also worked out for all my, never marrying again, need 3 nights by myself etc i was conditioned on my own independent woman shtick and I did want to be together and married. Which is our next stage..

Original poster
SuperblyUnreasonable · 28/06/2022 16:48

youlightupmyday · 28/06/2022 16:43

I am the same as you OP. Was feeling confused by post kids divorce relationship stages. Also the early stage/ honeymoon infatuation with romance, weddings etc. However, initially we decided not to live together until youngest was 16 ( which was 7 years in). Then at 14 months in, we revised it to two years as our lives were becoming more blended. And that is what we have done ( in fact it was slightly earlier).

Things can evolve BUT I would personally put a inner deadline/ schedule on it, otherwise personally it would feel odd to be in a really settled ong term relationship living that far apart. Depending on nights together etc.

I also worked out for all my, never marrying again, need 3 nights by myself etc i was conditioned on my own independent woman shtick and I did want to be together and married. Which is our next stage..

That’s very interesting - how do you sort of manage that in practical terms? He’s met my kids and they get on ok but I’m very clear that they don’t need another Dad.

OP posts: