I am being unreasonable and I can’t work out that’s happening

[SuperblyUnreasonable]

Been with DP for almost a year, both divorced, kids are similar ages, I’m resident parent, he isn’t. Met through OLD, he lives about 90 mins away. Both in our 50s, loads in common, we are v close and talk all the time throughout the day and see each other EOW minimum.

He has announced that he has no plans to move from his current location until his youngest is 18. This is 7 years. I have to stay near here for their schools, he sees his EOW and even then it’s not all of them as eldest is off to college.

I get this, as much as it’s possible to. It just feels somewhat unilateral. And maybe that’s not what I signed up for.

On the other hand I love my own space, I love having the house to myself and being able to live to my own rules etc.

So why have I got the hump???

He doesn't have children (at 50 and had a vasectomy 2 months after we met) and I armed with MN advice was officially very keen on separate lives. However, after 6 months we started to introduce then from 9-12 months really ended up spending more and more weekend nights together. Btw other non MN friends have done that much quicker.

I moved after a year and then in the new place he made a conscious decision to be around the kids more. We are good friends with my ex and his girlfriend so the kids were all OK with it so we started to socialise as a 'family'. He is very much not their dad. He is my boyfriend and more like an uncle. We also spend time with his sisters and their children. It happened naturally as everyone gets on. So that made it MUCH easier.

He also has been surprised by how his genuine affection for the children has grown so it feels more natural for him. He is engaged with them and loves playing. So again, easier for them/ him. If we are together with my ex and his partner the kids go naturally to all of us for different things. They have embraced it and he has made a conscious commitment to them too.

So after 18 months it really started to feel right. The kids were all on board too, so again, that helped. Obviously i cannot see into the future but we have talked and talked and talked about it and it has evolved naturally to this point. We are also very committed and in the middle of buying a house to retire to together.

I don't know if this helps but I'm in the same set up of resident and non resident parent/distance and we've been together 7 years. I said I couldn't move until my daughter was 18 and he couldn't move until both of his were securely in secondary school.

He's a teacher so we have to work in academic years and it's only now that we can think about him moving up to me next sept, which will be 8 years.

Sometimes it's hard, and we have little summit meetings when one of us is floundering a bit but if you can maintain the effort and communication etc for that amount of time then you're working on a pretty solid foundation of knowing each other before you move in.

Thanks all.

Im a bit insecure at the best of times and I think I’ve wanted a “something” that shows we are committed but I don’t know what that is.

DaisyJGrey how did you move forward when you were floundering?

I think this is completely understandable.

There are lots of ways you might 'recognise' commitment.

Think about planning holidays, for example, how you use your annual leave. Ditto planning around special events- Christmas, birthdays and so on.

If you know you both take each other into account around those things, then that's commitment.

Finances. If you run big purchases past each other, if you've considered each other in your financial planning, or even had that conversation.

Those are all things that flow out of commitment, imo, though the answers won't look the same for everyone.

Getting a dog together...

In terms of 'outward signs', maybe an engagement, engagement rings, engagement party? Would that feel right?

I think something outward would feel right if we both wanted it but by his saying what he’s said, I’ve taken it like “I don’t want to marry you or be with you for a minimum of 7 years.” I know that isn’t what he actually said but that’s what I’ve taken from it.

Instead there’s just an implied understanding that we spend EOW weekend together.