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What do I do
38

MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 19:50

Together 6 years or so. 4 year old child.
We love our child more than anything and I don't think I could manage to parent on my own. (He is definitely Incapable) but despite that I couldnt take him away from our child or our child from him. If it were the other way round I'd be heartbroken. More than that.. obviously.
But we're no good in a relationship all signs of that went ages ago and a peck on the cheek as a 'thanks' ( for dinner or a lift) is literally all we have. Honestly I dont feel that way anymore nor do I want to force it.
We're in the middle of buying a house and it's killing me knowing the situation we're in.
Even if we were to split I wouldn't want to separate them. It would end up as he at him parents house ( fully grown adult btw) and I would hate for my child to have to camp out there for access purposes. We couldnt afford to live separately and by buying the house we can pool resources and Atleast give our child a decent house/ both parents etc .
But it's hurting me.
I feel like I need to tell him we're not good as a relationship but I feel the need to parent together for financial reasons etc .
I often (half) joked about wanting to feel loved... hoping it would be enough for him to step up, and that someday I wanted someone to love me.
It didn't work and maybe he didn't anyways.
I can't imagine being in another relationship right now to be honest I can't be bothered- but I also feel like I don't want to do myself a disservice by being ' attached'
Please help, if there is anyway.
LTB isn't helpful as we'd end up in flats spending whatever deposit we had and ultimately end with nothing .

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 19:52

Is it just emotions you’re after or is it more is a physical lust

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Cakeandcoffee93 · 27/06/2022 19:52

You need to have an open conversation and tell him it isn’t enough- you need to feel loved and love someone who deserves it. Don’t buy a house you’ll regret it

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 19:55

It's not lust. I'm happy without lust. But cuddles and someone to share ideas and thoughts with some good conversation about need and wants and dreams for the future.

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:02

Bless you. Do you want to be in love with him or is it just the thought of him?

would you be open to couples therapy. But don’t rush into buying a house as that will not fix anything x

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:04

I have had many many conversations, I've written it down. Ive told him how neither of our relationship needs are being met and that he cannot possibly be happy.
It's almost past that. It's that we are buying the house. We cannot afford not too. One mortgage ( 800) or 2x 750 rent - which would wipe us out and leave nothing to be enjoyed.
We don't hate each other but drive each other mad. And if I plan a day for me and my child he will always be asked. I want to have him there as my child's dad although I admit I should have made better choices.
Is there anyway of communicating we are together as Co parents but not a couple?
I don't even mind the shared household chores although I despise having to do mostly everything.

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:07

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:02

Bless you. Do you want to be in love with him or is it just the thought of him?

would you be open to couples therapy. But don’t rush into buying a house as that will not fix anything x

I'm not in love anymore and don't want to be. Some seriously unrealistic changes would have to happen.
I don't want therapy as I know the relationship is done. I just want to know how to communicate that and if there is anyway forward to be 'consciously uncoupled'

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:09

You need to love each other as companions if nothing else. You need to secure your finances if you’re buying this house as if you’re the higher earner the cold fact is you’ll be worse off when you both eventually face the facts

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:13

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:09

You need to love each other as companions if nothing else. You need to secure your finances if you’re buying this house as if you’re the higher earner the cold fact is you’ll be worse off when you both eventually face the facts

Thank you for practical advice.
As parents to our child we respect each other.
My finances are protected - if anything I'm doing him a favour by allowing us to pool resources and not kick him to the kerb, but I made sensible choices.

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JustPickleRick · 27/06/2022 20:15

You're assuming he would want to stay in that situation. A lot of people would find it easier to part ways from an emotional point of view. What about when he decides to move on with his life? He can't be sharing a house with his ex still because it's 'easier' money wise. If you want out then go for it. It's not fair to expect either of you to stay put in the house though to co-parent. It should be an option but not a given and you're assuming that's what WILL happen.

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:15

There’s no harm in you sitting him down and saying you just need a bit more emotionally. You said you’re doing him a favour and hopefully he recognises that. You are a very strong woman and setting a great example to the kids, don’t forget that. A lot of parents would kick the other to the curb which only ends in resentment from the kids to one parent. Be proud of yourself x

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:25

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:15

There’s no harm in you sitting him down and saying you just need a bit more emotionally. You said you’re doing him a favour and hopefully he recognises that. You are a very strong woman and setting a great example to the kids, don’t forget that. A lot of parents would kick the other to the curb which only ends in resentment from the kids to one parent. Be proud of yourself x

Thank you.
I am absolutely doing my best and putting my child first.
If I put me first I'd be gone but I'd be robbing my child of their father who is ... meh... okay.
I know alone we'd be giving our child less that we can do together .

I worry though. I want to give our child holidays and days out .I want to have adult conversations about wants and dreams whilst our child is in bed etc but really there is no shared dream.....

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:29

JustPickleRick · 27/06/2022 20:15

You're assuming he would want to stay in that situation. A lot of people would find it easier to part ways from an emotional point of view. What about when he decides to move on with his life? He can't be sharing a house with his ex still because it's 'easier' money wise. If you want out then go for it. It's not fair to expect either of you to stay put in the house though to co-parent. It should be an option but not a given and you're assuming that's what WILL happen.

The situation we're in I know if he found someone and wanted to share their life. I'd be happy for him. I can't give him that anymore. I want him to be happy I love and care about his feelings but not in a romantic way. I never truly understood how you could love someone but not be in love until now.

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:32

well thats not the way to think. You wouldn’t be robbing your child of anything. If he’s a less than average dad he’ll show your child that in his own time, mark my words.

you are allowed to do things for your child alone also. I was brought up by a single parent and my dad was no where to be seen until he needed to put on a show around his family. Not once did my mother bad mouth him but I soon enough learnt it myself. My best memories were the one on one time with my mum on short trips away, holidays and fun days out. You don’t need him to do these things x

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:38

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:32

well thats not the way to think. You wouldn’t be robbing your child of anything. If he’s a less than average dad he’ll show your child that in his own time, mark my words.

you are allowed to do things for your child alone also. I was brought up by a single parent and my dad was no where to be seen until he needed to put on a show around his family. Not once did my mother bad mouth him but I soon enough learnt it myself. My best memories were the one on one time with my mum on short trips away, holidays and fun days out. You don’t need him to do these things x

He's an alright dad.
Not overly enthusiastic but will play / read / do bedtime etc .
I would be robbing my child as he would miss out on that and it would just be be me, grumpy and tired so doing it all myself.
It sounds like I'm making excuses, maybe I am.
Either I need a lottery win to buy a house on our own, and even then. I'd want my child's dad to be there as an active parent. .... or a way to tell him we go forward with the house but long term
I don't want to grow old and grey listening to his bullshit.
I keep thinking .... we don't know how long we have.... what if by some tragedy I have 5 years ..... and I've not lived.

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:42

You need to rethink buying a house. Money is never an easy topic but if you’re not in love with this man and he’s not emotionally supportive do not tie yourself down to him, which is what will happen. Don’t make the exception for him. Honestly I’m going back on my original thought. Don’t buy the house. Let him live with his parents, he is not your child and is not your problem. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter, not finding accommodation for a ‘man’ who can’t be arsed x

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cottagegardenflower · 27/06/2022 20:43

Would it be possible to live in the same house as flatmates and parent together? Cooperate with childcare but live separate lives. Financially it makes sense, but needs total understanding on both sides it's just convenience and finances

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:47

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:42

You need to rethink buying a house. Money is never an easy topic but if you’re not in love with this man and he’s not emotionally supportive do not tie yourself down to him, which is what will happen. Don’t make the exception for him. Honestly I’m going back on my original thought. Don’t buy the house. Let him live with his parents, he is not your child and is not your problem. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter, not finding accommodation for a ‘man’ who can’t be arsed x

But I will end up renting a flat. A horrible flat. That's not the life my child is used to. I dont see a way out as I will only ever be able to earn so much and still support my child.
The house purchase is a definite I suppose unless I win money and can buy a place with separate spaces.
I guess I just need some way of telling him I'm done but we need to support our child.
( he's not the type to say f-off then- I'm off. He's a decent person just not one I love)

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KateMcCallister · 27/06/2022 20:53

What's your current living situation? Do you rent?

Are you eligible for any sort of benefits (universal credit?) that will help with housing?

I think you're selling yourself short if you do the majority of the family work atm anyway and can do it without the resentment of having a co-parent that doesn't actually co-parent. You'll be happier, not grumpier. Believe me.

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 20:56

KateMcCallister · 27/06/2022 20:53

What's your current living situation? Do you rent?

Are you eligible for any sort of benefits (universal credit?) that will help with housing?

I think you're selling yourself short if you do the majority of the family work atm anyway and can do it without the resentment of having a co-parent that doesn't actually co-parent. You'll be happier, not grumpier. Believe me.

We own our home but need more space hence selling and re buying.
It's not that's he's a bad dad... not fully competent but not utterly useless.
If he was this would be an easier decision.

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Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:57

You don’t need to live together for him to be present in his child’s life.

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 21:06

Drunkandalone · 27/06/2022 20:57

You don’t need to live together for him to be present in his child’s life.

But it means us both absolutely wiped out financially - both in flats. No holidays/ days out etc and the added turmoil of me saying why daddy isn't there

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cottagegardenflower · 27/06/2022 21:34

Would it be possible to live in the same house as flatmates and parent together? Cooperate with childcare but live separate lives. Financially it makes sense, but needs total understanding on both sides it's just convenience and finances

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 21:36

cottagegardenflower · 27/06/2022 21:34

Would it be possible to live in the same house as flatmates and parent together? Cooperate with childcare but live separate lives. Financially it makes sense, but needs total understanding on both sides it's just convenience and finances

Yes that's how I feel .but I worry I'm dugout g to be doing 95% of caring to

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MissFlimpkin · 27/06/2022 21:38

cottagegardenflower · 27/06/2022 21:34

Would it be possible to live in the same house as flatmates and parent together? Cooperate with childcare but live separate lives. Financially it makes sense, but needs total understanding on both sides it's just convenience and finances

Posted too quick...
95% childcare plus housework etc and basically someone's house wife! ( without the actually loving wife bit)
Is there no right answer?
I've re read the letter I wrote. It's pretty clear.
He's not made an effort to reply I think he knows if he replies it's done and he can't afford that to happen but why doesn't he step up and help me find a solution.

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MissFlimpkin · 28/06/2022 18:44

Final documents came through today. We have to do it but I need to know how I can make this the right thing to do.

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