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Being allowed to have male friends without feeling like I’m doing something bad?
14

Studentmum1292 · 27/06/2022 19:20

So backstory, I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years we have a 9yo son together.

I don’t have many friends at all and I have none that actually bother to invite me out or check in with me…. Except for one.

I worked with this guy for a bit and we got on well so naturally became friends. I shall call the friend Calvin for ease of reading.

Calvin asked me to go to the Cinema and I accepted. I let my boyfriend know. He made a comment in a “jokey” way about me cheating.

I feel rubbish now, a mixture of anger that he would even think that of me and guilt even though there is no reason to feel guilty at all. Its kind of put a dampener on it and I don’t know if I should cancel?

Calvin is a very nice man in general, he has very traditional views on sex and marriage if that makes sense. Basically I know he would never even think of making a move, he isn’t even flirty in the slightest. I also do not see our friendship ad anything more that just that.

I really want to have friends and people that care about me but is it only ok if they are female?!

Anybody willing to share stories of opposite sex friendships whilst in a relationship?

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DeadbeatYoda · 27/06/2022 19:23

Is Calvin single? Is there any chance he is harbouring any secret hopes of something more between you? The answers to those questions should help you decide how appropriate the scenario is.
All the best.

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Hawkins001 · 27/06/2022 19:25

Bottom line your partner should trust you, otherwise what's the point of the relationship without any trust ? I'd still build the friendship, because why should you limit your friendships, just because your partner cannot trust you ?

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Studentmum1292 · 27/06/2022 19:31

Calvin is single, I am certain there are no feelings like that on his part either, if there were then I wouldn’t be comfortable with the friendship either as I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on.

Calvin has lots of friends, a lot of whom are female. Calvin also will not have sex until he is married. He is looking for a relationship as he wants to have children etc.
Maybe my partner has a hard tome believing that men with views like that actually exist?

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Divebar2021 · 27/06/2022 19:32

I think a lot of women would have an issue with their DH going to the cinema with a woman - presumably because they see it as a date location. A bit like the poster who had an issue with her DH going out for a “ hot sit down” lunch with a colleague. I personally have 2 male friends who I will go for coffee or drinks with. If my DH has a problem with them he’s never said anything. Maybe if you tried to make some female friends Calvin wouldn’t feature quite so prominently.

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blubbebubba · 27/06/2022 19:37

Your boyfriend made one joke, he's hardly controlling your friends and probably taking it pretty well if that's all he said.

I'm suspicious of your friend being mostly friends with women, coming from a woman who used to mostly befriend men.

I mean, continue I guess.. can't say if he thrilled about my partner going to the cinema one on one with a female friend.

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SuziSecondLaw · 27/06/2022 19:38

I can see both sides.

I've had platonic friendships with opposite sex and would be a bit pissed off if my dp had an issue with that.

But.. If my dp wanted to go to the cinema with a single female friend.. I would be very uncomfortable with that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think there's having friendships, but doing stereotypically 'date' things is a no go.. Meals, cinema.. Just no.

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blubbebubba · 27/06/2022 19:38

Can't say I'd be thrilled*

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Studentmum1292 · 27/06/2022 19:45

My partner handles issues in this way he makes them in to jokes but I know him well enough to know when he means it.

I never said my partner was controlling he never said I couldn’t go or that he would leave me if I did. I’m just upset that it would even cross his mind.

I have been to the cinema in the past with female friends and a male who is gay and that wasn’t an issue in the slightest. I guess I don’t really see the cinema as a ‘date’ activity exclusively.

I do have female ‘friends’ but they never want to do anything or bother at all really, and yes I do bother with them I know it works both ways. I know it has nothing to do with them being female either its just the way it has worked out.

Before I met my partner I lived up north and now I’m hours and hours away so all of my friendships from then dwindled as the years went by. It’s just nice to have a friend I guess.

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Catapultaway · 27/06/2022 19:49

I'm on the fence on this one. I have male friends that I often go out with, but I was friends with them before I even met DH. He has no issue with it.
Not sure how he'd feel about a new male friend appearing on the scene and trips to the cinema though, he probably wouldn't bother, but I probably would if the shoe was on the other foot.

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MoonbeamsGlittering · 27/06/2022 19:49

I'm a married man and I have mostly male friends and a few female friends. My wife has never objected to me meeting a female friend for a meal to catch up. It's fine with me for my wife to meet male friends too. I think it can be fine if you trust each other.

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SweetSakura · 27/06/2022 19:53

I think a cinema trip is a bit "date like".

I do think it is fine to have boundaries in a relationship. You have to figure them out together as a couple and they need to work for both of you.

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Cranberryclover · 27/06/2022 19:56

I’ve got a male friend who I often go to the cinema with. We love the same films. We’re both married and have children, but even before we weren’t we used to do this. I probably have more male friends than female due to the nature of my work. It’s never been a problem. My genitals don’t affect my friendships. My husband has never had a problem with this and vice versa. If people are going to cheat they will, no amount of controlling friendships will change this. I’d prefer to be in a relationship with trust and we can be friends with who we want to be.

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Studentmum1292 · 27/06/2022 20:41

Thank you all for your input. I am going to speak to my partner about how he feels and go from there. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable 😣

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GreyCarpet · 27/06/2022 22:36

My closest male friend is my ex boyfriend's best friend.

I've actually only known him for a few months longer than I've been with my boyfriend - although I knew him for a few years before we got together.

My boyfriend made it quite clear from the start that he didn't expect us being together to impact on my friendship and now he and my friend are also friends.

He trusts me completely. I trust my friend and friendship is all there is between us.

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