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Original poster

Is this limerence? I feel a bit bonkers.

38 replies

Wir · 27/06/2022 11:39

I have a bit of a crush on someone at work and at first I thought it was mutual. We chatted a lot, quite flirty, joking about, just got on really well. We had a running chat about a mutual hobby and then one day he just stopped replying. Went in to work after a couple of days off and he just blanked me. Then started being quite rude to me, a bit nasty. It was really confusing. I asked him in a message if he was OK but he left it on read and never replied. That was over 2 weeks ago and he's still being quite mean. We don't chat or joke around any more.

The annoying and ridiculous thing is I still have a crush on him. I think about him far too often. It's a small business and unfortunately we still have to work quite closely together. There is no option for me to go elsewhere. I find myself trying to interpret every little interaction we have. He touched my arm, what does that mean? He smiled at me after ignoring me most of the day, what could that mean? Etc., etc.

Thing is, a new woman has joined the team about a week ago and now he treats her the way he used to treat me and I feel a bit upset and a bit jealous if I'm completely honest. I feel so stupid.

We are both single and we used to get on so well I really thought it would end up going somewhere.

I'm in my 30's, it's completely ridiculous to have a crush like this. How the hell do I get over it when we have to work so closely together?

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 27/06/2022 11:45

The mere fact that he switched you off like a light should be enough for you to know he isn't the nice man you thought he was

Original poster
Wir · 27/06/2022 11:47

Bunty55 · 27/06/2022 11:45

The mere fact that he switched you off like a light should be enough for you to know he isn't the nice man you thought he was

I know! That's part of the reason I feel so stupid and frustrated, him flipping like that should have killed the crush but it hasn't and I feel like an idiot that I'm still thinking about him and hoping for things to be like they were.

OP posts:
thelastshadowpuppet · 27/06/2022 11:55

What a tool op.
I'm 8 months into seeing my work crush!

Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 12:11

The crush is just a crush. It doesn't respond to 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'

You're an adult. Your responsibility is to handle your emotions, but you can't control them. You can still enjoy them, but make sure you have made a firm decision not to become involved with him. It doesn't stop him being nice to look at though, and you can have fun with that on your own.

darisdet · 27/06/2022 12:59

I had to Google limerence. Is it just an intense crush? Im not sure of the difference.

Agreeing with others that it's just a crush. Perhaps he's noticed and doesn't reciprocate, hence he's gone cold, or he could just be rude.

Namechangerr1 · 27/06/2022 13:07

Honestly, he sounds like a dick that gets off on all the attention from various women. I know how you feel, something similar happened to me but it went much further than flirtation. After that, like yours he just went cold, we stopped chatting, he was very rude.. appeared to 'move on' to another, younger female colleague. You're not bonkers, you picked up that he seemed interested and reacted to that intuition. For a long time I thought I was nuts, terrible at my job, I had MH issues at the time so thought I was having a breakdown. He engineered it all, though.

I've reached my 30's believing people like this don't really exist, but they do. Really nasty, rude people.

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 13:46

Could be a few things. a) He's probably seen you responding to his "advances" and has realised he doesn't want to get involved with someone at the work place. b) He has a GF or in a relationship and decided to cool it of with you c) It may have not been reciprocal (it was all inside your head) and when he realised you were in to him he cut it short d) He has some deep rooted issues with women.

In any case you need to stop thinking about him and get on with your business or move jobs.

dottypotter · 27/06/2022 13:52

your not an idiot. Hes changed his mind thats all. He likes doing this to new people it seems then gets bored.

Hope she dosent respond to him.

Ilosthim · 27/06/2022 14:54

Casually mention your new man.... Irrelevant if he exists or not. And fuck this idiot off.

Original poster
Wir · 27/06/2022 18:11

I think it must have all been in my head. How stupid and embarrassing.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 27/06/2022 18:19

It doesn’t sound like it was in your head so don’t feel embarrassed. He’s the one who should be embarrassed, it’s teenage boy behaviour at best!

I think what you are feeling isn’t limerence but rejection - the flirtation with this man boosted your confidence and made you feel good - then he withdrew that suddenly without explanation. It’s really hard for your brain and hormones to process. I would try and find a hobby that takes up lots of time to occupy yourself with. I know it stings now but I think in the future you will realise you have had a lucky escape. The right person is out there for you, OP, and when you find them they won’t make you feel like shit.

Herejustforthisone · 27/06/2022 20:32

It doesn’t sound like it was in your head, it sounds like he was a big, stupid prick all along. And a nasty one to boot, seeing as he’s been unkind to you.

hotcoldnotsold · 27/06/2022 20:41

He's a twat and always was. And you are crushing on the potential and possibility than his reality - he's just mean.

Remind yourself of that. You should have an automatic off switch when someone treats you poorly - don't fantasise or focus on the initial good times. Focus on what he turned out to be - having healthy self respect will help. I'd be pissed off and disgusted by him and make sure he knew it. He prob gets off on upsetting you and knowing he's messing with your head. Don't let him!!

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 20:44

Wir · 27/06/2022 18:11

I think it must have all been in my head. How stupid and embarrassing.

Do not worry, sometimes (many times) we build in our heads an unrealistic portrait of a man when we have a crush and our hormones are raging. We make ourselves believe he's Prince Charming riding a white horse. Once we get to know him and find out he's a toad sitting on a rock it's quite a shocker. It could have been worse, at least you didn't sleep with him. Be prepared to see him flirt with you again once you've turned ice queen and the newbie effect is over.

DillonPanthersTexas · 27/06/2022 20:50

I had to Google limerence. Is it just an intense crush? Im not sure of the difference

There are a few people on here who swear it is a real condition and use it to explain away or excuse a whole raft of stalkerish behaviours.

allthewaytobeano · 27/06/2022 21:16

Wir · 27/06/2022 11:47

I know! That's part of the reason I feel so stupid and frustrated, him flipping like that should have killed the crush but it hasn't and I feel like an idiot that I'm still thinking about him and hoping for things to be like they were.

Show quote history

Intermittent reward. It's addictive.

Limerence is driven by uncertainty, when we know where we stand with someone it quickly fizzles out. Google Dr L livingwithlimerence, it's really helpful and will hopefully assist you in feeling less dscombobulated about it all.

darisdet · 27/06/2022 22:00

DillonPanthersTexas · 27/06/2022 20:50

I had to Google limerence. Is it just an intense crush? Im not sure of the difference

There are a few people on here who swear it is a real condition and use it to explain away or excuse a whole raft of stalkerish behaviours.

Ah right! Thanks

allthewaytobeano · 27/06/2022 22:36

DillonPanthersTexas · 27/06/2022 20:50

I had to Google limerence. Is it just an intense crush? Im not sure of the difference

There are a few people on here who swear it is a real condition and use it to explain away or excuse a whole raft of stalkerish behaviours.

And there are those of us who understand what the term refers to and can offer assistance and support rather than plopping onto threads to be a bit of a vindictive twat and offering nothing constructive.

spotcheck · 27/06/2022 22:40

He played you.
He isn't a good 'un . I bet he will act like this with all new women. Just, for the love of dog, don't try and vye for his attention!

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 22:47

@allthewaytobeano Limerence is driven by uncertainty, when we know where we stand with someone it quickly fizzles out. Google Dr L livingwithlimerence, it's really helpful and will hopefully assist you in feeling less dscombobulated about it all.

Limerence can be obsessing about a " future together" with a married man who you're having an affair with after he has already expressed he's never going to leave his wife. You know "were you stand" but would rather disregard it and "hope for". Limerence is a coworker who has made clear signs he wants nothing with her (like the OP) but she decides to continue day dreaming with him and see all these "hidden details" when they interact as a sign he loves her.

allthewaytobeano · 27/06/2022 22:52

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 22:47

@allthewaytobeano Limerence is driven by uncertainty, when we know where we stand with someone it quickly fizzles out. Google Dr L livingwithlimerence, it's really helpful and will hopefully assist you in feeling less dscombobulated about it all.

Limerence can be obsessing about a " future together" with a married man who you're having an affair with after he has already expressed he's never going to leave his wife. You know "were you stand" but would rather disregard it and "hope for". Limerence is a coworker who has made clear signs he wants nothing with her (like the OP) but she decides to continue day dreaming with him and see all these "hidden details" when they interact as a sign he loves her.

I wouldn't describe either of your examples as limerence. That is obsession. Completely different thing but you seem quite triggered by the thread so perhaps this isn't the place for you to discuss that kind of obsessive behaviour.

Re-reading the OP I don't actually think the OP is suffering from limerence or obsession. Just natural feelings of hurt and shock that I'm sure will pass in due course.

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 23:01

@allthewaytobeano I wouldn't describe either of your examples as limerence. That is obsession. Completely different thing but you seem quite triggered by the thread so perhaps this isn't the place for you to discuss that kind of obsessive behaviour.

Limerence is obsession and I was basing my post on the wikipedia term for Limerence: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 23:05

Maybe it's not "obsession" but there's a clear element of it if you read the wiki page. Unless of course you're some sort of "limerence authority"? Sorry just curious.

seaUrchinOne · 27/06/2022 23:07

See him for what he is, he was rude to you and he's trying on the same charm with another woman at work, he's a completely false person, that's very unattractive.

I don't think it was In your head, he didn't have to start chatting and joking with you in the first place, then to suddenly stop, so he obviously feels bad or guilty about something. Any normal person would stay friendly but professional only.

KyaClark · 27/06/2022 23:09

thelastshadowpuppet · 27/06/2022 11:55

What a tool op.
I'm 8 months into seeing my work crush!

... good for you...?