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Partner becoming lazy and wont sort out credit to get a mortgage.
36

Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 10:48

Hi, to all mums. I have been wanting to join mums net and been reading topics which i can relate to.. now i wanted to just vent in here. As my partner dont know how to talk.. im just really stressed out and exhausted about everything.

me and my partner have two boys aged 13 and 8, been together for atleast 14 yrs. since were 19 yrs old.
our relationship really didnt grow i think we just kind of stayed because i got pregnant at the age of 19 and he decided to take responsibility and help me through it. (Which was good)
but all through that years i have felt like i have always been the person who wants us to be better. He used drugs back in 2019 and almost became mentally ill for a year, thankfully hes been sanctioned and never been out of hospiital until he was better.
he did got better, no relapse we got back together by the help of family, i talked to him what i wanted, i told him i wanted to get a house for us as renting is just too expensive. He got a job
getting paid well, but thats it, he became lazy again,. I have to ask him to help me out with the chores all the time, we both work full time and i have a business to run- i really just wanted him to help me with the school runs, clean, do the laundry and be more responsible. But now no effort whatsover- even though he can see how exhausted i am- even though i have asked
hiM nicely so many times- he just says okay but never do it? Whyyyy??? I feel bad for my kids they want to go out with their dad but hes too busy playing basketball on his days off with his mates and playing ipad games.

i am ready to get a mortgage next year and his credit is really bad he even have CCJ because he used so much of his credit cards and didnt paid them back.while he was using drugs.! So now i cant even apply a joint mortgage to get us a cheaper house. I can do it myself but having him in application would be much cheaper and hes not interested in sorting out his credit at all ( ihave offered help) but nothing. I am tired of asking him and talking to him which didnt work, he gets upset and all grumpy whenever i open this to him. what to i do? I feel like i just wanted him to leave, but i keep thinking about my boys, and how am i supposed to cope with everything.

i am an exhausted mum, with no one to talk
to, no one to vent, im tired of expecting him to be better for 14 yrs- i want him to be the father everyone wanted.. hes a good man but just lacking of all those things a father have to be..

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BodenCardiganNot · 27/06/2022 10:50

Dump him. Live your best life without him.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2022 10:57

You and he need to be apart.

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Cherrysoup · 27/06/2022 14:43

Do you really want to be with him?

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Newestname002 · 27/06/2022 15:51

This man is a drag on you OP. Raise the mortgage on your own and move with your children.

Don't:

  • move your useless partner into your new home or he'll just continue dragging you down, and

  • marry him, or you'll get all the above plus he's likely, as your husband, to walk off with 50% of everything you've worked for.

    It will be hard, but not as hard as the dead weight you are carrying. 🌹
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BackToTheTop · 27/06/2022 15:54

Do it yourself, if you're not married then even better, it'll be your house should it ever go tits up, which by the sounds of things it will do

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:10

While he was doing drugs i left him for about a year. And i think my life was less exhausting.
but then family came in beg me to get him back so he can get better. Stupidly took him back. For the sake of the kids.

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:11

Cherrysoup · 27/06/2022 14:43

Do you really want to be with him?

I dont really know to be honest with you. I just dont know anymore.

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Quartz2208 · 27/06/2022 16:14

So his family have basically made you look after him

This isnt better for your kids -

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TwoMonthsOff · 27/06/2022 16:18

I don’t think he wants to get a mortgage with you really does he ? I am sorry you are going through this.

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HollowTalk · 27/06/2022 16:18

Dump him.

Don't ever consider having a mortgage with him. Don't have any joint savings or accounts. Just leave him. Your life will be so much better.

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:21

Newestname002 · 27/06/2022 15:51

This man is a drag on you OP. Raise the mortgage on your own and move with your children.

Don't:

  • move your useless partner into your new home or he'll just continue dragging you down, and

  • marry him, or you'll get all the above plus he's likely, as your husband, to walk off with 50% of everything you've worked for.

    It will be hard, but not as hard as the dead weight you are carrying. 🌹

Thankfully i was against marriage so didnt marry him. I did left him when he used drugs and we were apart for a year something, his family begged me to take him back for him to fully recover and for the sake of the kids, stupidly agreed and thought it will get better.

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HollowTalk · 27/06/2022 16:22

His laziness will be your salvation. You do realise that if you've got a mortgage together then he could just stop paying anything towards it and you'd be stuck with the whole thing?

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:24

TwoMonthsOff · 27/06/2022 16:18

I don’t think he wants to get a mortgage with you really does he ? I am sorry you are going through this.

He said time will come but how long am i going to wait?? Weve been together 14 yrs he doesnt save money, i did everything myself.. he expects me to sort everything for us.

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MintJulia · 27/06/2022 16:26

He doesn't want the commitment of a mortgage. He knows he'll have to keep working for 25 years. At the moment, he can jack in the job if he gets fed up and someone, you or his family, will give him a bed to sleep in.

He can go on benefits and not have to provide for himself or his kids. He doesn't want to give up the carefree lazy selfish opt-out clause.

He won't change. He wants you to keep renting or for you to take on a mortgage on your own and he can tag along without any of the responsibility.

I think you'll have to do it by yourself but don't involve him and for God's sake don't marry him.

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TwoMonthsOff · 27/06/2022 16:29

Are there any help to buy schemes in your area as this could be your escape plan with your children, housing is so expensive to do entirely on your own. it does sound as if he’s not invested and is too immature and irresponsible, again I am sorry, best wishes

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:29

HollowTalk · 27/06/2022 16:18

Dump him.

Don't ever consider having a mortgage with him. Don't have any joint savings or accounts. Just leave him. Your life will be so much better.

I really wanna dump him. Just dont know how.
we are renting privately with my brother and dont know how to financially cope If i ask him to leave,
pur rent runs up to £1300 exc bills.. i earn 2k a month so in reality with two kids i dont know how will i cope 😭

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:34

MintJulia · 27/06/2022 16:26

He doesn't want the commitment of a mortgage. He knows he'll have to keep working for 25 years. At the moment, he can jack in the job if he gets fed up and someone, you or his family, will give him a bed to sleep in.

He can go on benefits and not have to provide for himself or his kids. He doesn't want to give up the carefree lazy selfish opt-out clause.

He won't change. He wants you to keep renting or for you to take on a mortgage on your own and he can tag along without any of the responsibility.

I think you'll have to do it by yourself but don't involve him and for God's sake don't marry him.

thanks for this.. im really happy to see alot of comments from everyone.. and i feel better having to vent and someone to listen.

i never wanted to marry and actually agaisnt it, as i do find it a waste of time and money. i can see your point and looks like he is actually planning on doing just that

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:35

TwoMonthsOff · 27/06/2022 16:29

Are there any help to buy schemes in your area as this could be your escape plan with your children, housing is so expensive to do entirely on your own. it does sound as if he’s not invested and is too immature and irresponsible, again I am sorry, best wishes

I am planning to get the shared ownership scheme to get a property but i need to save more for a deposit so was planning it for next year.
but now if i leave him and try to get into benefits,
me getting a mortgage might just be a dream ?

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madasawethen · 27/06/2022 16:36

He's an anchor.

Life will be so much better without him.
He will have to pay child support and you might get extra benefits.

You'll be able to buy your own house.

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TwoMonthsOff · 27/06/2022 16:38

@Mum230609
well that’s excellent and positive and something to look forward to, you have a whole year to plan this, it’s much better to have a plan in place and execute it at your own pace really I think. And keep it quiet as well…

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Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:44

Just wanted to thank everyone for your comments… i have no one to open this to, and hearing your views makes me feel great..

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wellhelloitsme · 27/06/2022 17:13

Mum230609 · 27/06/2022 16:10

While he was doing drugs i left him for about a year. And i think my life was less exhausting.
but then family came in beg me to get him back so he can get better. Stupidly took him back. For the sake of the kids.

"For the kids"? Is growing up witnessing the below better for them then?

Because they're just learning that it's a woman's job to hold everything together and supply cooking, cleaning, childcare AND working for the entire family while it's a man's right to not do his share and to not be a present parent.

I have to ask him to help me out with the chores all the time, we both work full time and i have a business to run- i really just wanted him to help me with the school runs, clean, do the laundry and be more responsible. But now no effort whatsover- even though he can see how exhausted i am- even though i have asked hiM nicely so many times- he just says okay but never do it? Whyyyy??? I feel bad for my kids they want to go out with their dad but hes too busy playing basketball on his days off with his mates and playing ipad games.

You ask "whyyy" and the answer is simple. Because he wants to and because you accept it.

You deserve better than this and so do your kids.

It's far less damaging to have a shit parent who doesn't live with you than one who does.

It's far less damaging to have single mum than a mum who is married to a shit partner.

It's far less damaging to see women can be independent than see them martyring themselves to keep a man who treats them appallingly.

He's opted out of family life.

You should opt out of your relationship.

You're doing everything anyway, better to do it without him adding to your stress as he won't step up whether you stay together or not.

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Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2022 17:17

Please read and believe this: The biggest mistake you could ever make is to jointly buy a home with this loser. You would be mad to do this. Do not marry him, do not buy a home with him. Get your own house and get rid of him.

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gingersplodgecat · 27/06/2022 17:17

Please do not financially or legally tie yourself to a man who is lazy, has massive debts and is known to be a drug taker.

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Hoppinggreen · 27/06/2022 17:19

He sounds pretty pointless
When you say you want him to sort out his credit what do you mean? If he has a CCJ there’s not much he can do to change that

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