I feel like I want to reach out now

[cardboardcutouts]

Hi, seeking some advice about a past break up.

My ex split with me in January. I was heartbroken because it just seemed like he didn’t want to work on our issues.

However, a lot of self-reflection and therapy has made me realise a lot. I was mentally in an awful place. I didn’t have a relationship with myself. I hated time alone. I relied on him fully, I was codependent, I wanted constant validation from him. He eventually ended it, stating that he couldn’t do it anymore and for his own well-being he had to leave. We both recognised we had an amazing connection and intimacy but it wasn’t working out. It ended nicely and he said I wasn’t a bad person, and he was really sorry.

I’m now truly happy. I’m spending more time alone, I’m thriving in therapy, I’m realising that I really am a good person. I’m able to take rejection, I’m not a people pleaser anymore, I do things for MYSELF. I took up martial arts, I go to the gym, I got a promotion at work. I don’t NEED a boy in my life and haven’t spoken to a single person. I don’t need that validation.

I’ve realised my role in the relationship. And it wasn’t a good one. I know now exactly how I’d fix things and I am really on my way to healing.

And yet, I still think about my ex every day. Not in a longing way, but fondly. I don’t need him, but boy do I still want him. I feel that our relationship could really have thrived if I was in this state when i met him. And, whilst he wasn’t perfect, he was a perfectly decent guy who always treated me with respect. And we were GOOD together.

We haven’t been in contact for 4 months, apart from the odd exchange of items.

So, do I reach out…?

Honestly? Yes I would, but be prepared for him to have moved on. If he has, wish him well and leave it there but I think it’s worth a try.

You sound like you’ve done a lot of work OP, well done 😊

Don't die wondering. Yes explain things clearly to him. Be prepared for a final rejection.

Thank you! :)
I think I’d regret not trying. I do think i would be sad if he’s moved on but it won’t kill me. After all I’ve got this far! Not sure how to approach it though.

Honestly I don't think you should, I think you need to respect his decision to end the relationship and move on

I would reach out and say what you have said here.

I won’t approach it as “hi, I’m better now, let’s get back together”. More of a general chat, then explaining how I’m glad it all happened and it needed to happen because of XYZ. Then see what happens?

Well done on all the self work you’ve done OP! You’ve made some serious achievements to be proud of.

I would say think a bit more before you reach out. If he’s moved on or says no, it will hurt and could set you back a bit.

You also need to be aware that even if you did try again you are (and will continue becoming) a different person so the relationship will be different too: it won’t just be the same relationship with your being a ‘better’ version of yourself.

Good luck!

Omg this is me exactly!
I reached out to him a couple of weeks ago… as like you I felt I owed it to myself to try at least.

he is receptive to friendship but not sure of more - he is in a less settled place at the moment so I understand that. But I’m not sure if that means maybe one day, or that’s a polite brush off. Im happy to be friends but I’m not going to wait around and hope he changes his mind. I’m trying to keep busy and continue with my own live. It’s kind of a little harder now though as I do tend to wait for his messages!!

so for me maybe it hasn’t worked out as I hoped, but I definitely do not regret telling him my feelings so I would say go for it

Aww @Savoretti sorry it didn’t go how you hoped but I’m glad it was amicable. How did you approach it, and were you no contact the whole time? X

Yes reach out as you'll will always wonder what if.

He may say yes, he may say no.
(I hope he says yes)
But at least you will know.

Regret the things you don't do, not the things you do.

We had been NC and I simply messaged to say hi and we arranged to meet for coffee

@Savoretti aww, good on you for having the guts. Did he split with you? Did you hear from him at all? X

I hadn’t spoken to my ex for 6 months. When I accidentally butt dialled him (yes really!) it started a whole chain of events. We met up for a chat and ended up sleeping together. Then he freaked out and decided that wasn’t what he wanted after all, just wanted to be friends, wasn’t sure if something might happen in future etc. it’s been a total head fuck. I’m about to go onto anti depressants to try to deal with the grief of losing him all over again. I would say don’t. Continue doing the good work. Find someone else and start with a clean slate. Wish I’d never opened up this particular can of worms tbh.

you say you’re able to take rejection, so go for it. You never know, he might be feeling regret, but see if he’s moved on. Don’t leave it till it’s too late, at least it’ll help with closure, or not if he still wants you.

Were you really as bad as you think you are? You use the word codependent. That means he played his part too.
I suspect it wasn’t all your fault.
Relationships can be hard and it’s easy to fall back into patterns of familiar behaviour.

I would remember him fondly and use what you’ve learned from therapy to say goodbye (mentally) and then look forward to enjoying the rest of your life.

Personally I'd take what you've learned to go forward and start something new.

Prior environments can let you slip back into prior habits. Is it worth the risk after all this progress?

Actually @Candleabra I do agree with that to a certain extent too.
My ex said he was glad I was feeling better but he didn’t see it the way I had. So actually that’s probably why he doesn’t necessarily want to rekindle things

And I must admit it’s harder for me now that we are on friendly terms because I am
constantly waiting for him to be in touch which is not healthy at all

I decided to send it. I have sent a message. And I don’t feel anxious about it!

good luck @cardboardcutouts i hope he responds 😊

He responded!! I messaged saying congrats for something he posted the other day and asked how he was. He said:

“hey Cardboard, ahh thank you!! Really happy with it! I’m not doing too bad thanks. How are you doing? What’s new with you? 😊”

You use the word codependent. That means he played his part too.

Only if she used it accurately. Sometimes people aren't sure of the difference between dependent and codependent and use them interchangeably. The fact she said she relied on him and he ended it encase he couldn't cope with that doesn't sound like they actually were 'codependent' at all. He doesn't actually need to be a 'baddy' in this.

Good luck, OP. I hope you get the response you want. If not, we'll done for the therapy and everything else and making such a brave move! This is a sign of progress and hopefully he will be open to at least exploring the idea. Faint heart never won fair lady n all that 😉

Awe @cardboardcutouts that's a lovely reply 🥰

Did you hear any more @cardboardcutouts? just wondered if you got into a bit of a chat after that

I would not contact him. He broke up with you 6 months ago because he didn't want to be with you. And despite all the "I don't NEED a boy in my life to feel validated!" I think you are still (even more so since he left you) seeking validation in exactly the same place as before. I would move forward and aim to establish a healthy new relationship.