Going out - what would you do? / copdependency

[gluvino]

My Dp and I have spent most of the last 3 years under each other's feet. Covid was part of that but also other factors which we had no choice in.

A while ago he decided to do a weekly activity and I said I would come along as and when if I felt like it.

This was all agreed and fine.

This has now turned into if I don't want to go he won't either.

He has just asked me if I am going today and I said I have other things to do (true) and he is clearly put out and not going also.

He has also been invited away overnight to a friend's house. When I found out I thought GREAT I can dye my hair, do the cleaning he always seems to insist he can't stand me doing. Play my own music ... you get the idea. Ever since he realised I was keen for him to go he has stalled and avoided doing so.

I don't know if he thinks I would suddenly invite 20 male strippers round or something. I actually just want a night to myself. I don't think that's so strange. I don't know why he wouldn't want to get away from me for a bit!

I love him but I don't know where to start with this. It's clearly built up over a long time. I think he needs to go to this event and go to the friend's house (separate things).

Also he has no reason to think I'm going to do something when he is away. I just really WANT an empty home for an hour or a night. Is that so bad?

If it makes a difference...I said I was going to do (insert random, boring, big cleaning job) when he left to see the friend. He then stalled and I did it anyway (had to) and he caused a huge row with me.

I don't know how to turn this around because every time I ask for space it's seen as rejection. However this can't be doing him any good either.

It's a huge red flag.

He's being controlling isn't he?

You could try couples therapy but I would be very wary of continuing the relationship.

It doesn't sound like he trusts you to be left alone. It's a massive raging red flag when he causes arguments when you do things you want to do - even bloody cleaning?!

I think he might be anxiously attached which is why he does this - I don't think there's any malice involved IMO.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

What on earth is the cleaning job that seems to annoy him so much??

YANBU. It sounds like you're incompatible at best and in an abusive relationship at worst. I personally couldn't live with the lack of trust or the lack of time to myself.

Doesn’t matter if there’s malice, you can’t be expected to live like this. He needs to get help for whatever anxiety is behind this and you need to be firm that if things don’t change you’re leaving (or just save yourself the trouble and leave now).

What a hideous, claustrophobic prison you've allowed him to build for you.

What stops you from saying 'I'm struggling because every time I ask for space it's seen as rejection'?

Yeah! LTB!!!
ffs...

OP, an alternative theory is maybe he's just become a bit codependent, relies on your company to feel comfortable and feels a bit anxious doing things without you.

It's like letting your child have their first day at school. They'll potentially be a bit upset not being with you, but will have fun and feel better by the end of the day.

Just have the chat that says you love him dearly but that you are both still individuals that need to pursue your own goals as well and that a bit of 'me time' is healthy for everybody sometimes.

@alwaysmovingforwards that "theory" doesn't explain away him kicking off over the op cleaning...

Or maybe its compatibility. A relationship doesn't have universal rules. Sone people think you should be in each other's company every minute. Other couples lead quite independent lives but also a life together.

Don't ask here... communicate with each other!

Nobody's said he kicks off. He might just get fed up that OP always tries to hoover when he's just sat down in front of the telly.

@girlmom21 Yes that surprised me as well to be honest. I thought maybe it was not trusting me (no basis) but when he got angry over the cleaning job I thought it was more about something else.

Originally he said he would go to these weekly things if I did or didn't and that he was looking forward to seeing the friend. So I'm not sure why he's back tracking.

I know that being excited for someone to go out might be odd but like I say we have been under each other's feet for years. I love his company I just want a bit of time to prat about on my own.

@RandomMess He is a bit but before covid it wasn't that bad. I do earn and have separate finances. If I didn't I think it would be worse.

I just don't know how to combat this without sounding unkind.

If there was no malice he wouldn't get angry about the cleaning.

So just laugh that off and say "whatever.. it won't clean itself so it's what I'm doing, go amuse yourself out if my sight" and just do it.

You've gotta train 'em ie have boundaries even in an intimate relationship. If he has a little sulk because your attention is elsewhere, then do what? Do it consistently and they'll learn.

Originally he said he would go to these weekly things if I did or didn't and that he was looking forward to seeing the friend. So I'm not sure why he's back tracking.

I think backing out of the hobby if you're not going is understandable if it's something he enjoys doing with you.

It's the weekend and the arguments that concern me. It's like you're not allowed to want time alone.

Crap auto type spelling.. but hopefully makes sense!

I just don't know how to combat this without sounding unkind.

He doesn't care about sounding unkind to you though, does he?

What is he like when you go out without him @gluvino?

I'd still read the article if I was you. I think it would answer your theory.

If this was me, if he doesn’t go to the hobby I’d take myself off out. Equally for the weekend I’d tell him that you’re planning to do XYZ so if he doesn’t like it he’d be better at the event, and then do it.

Regardless of why he’s doing it, anxious attachment, bad habit from lockdown, codependency, controlling, you need to nip it in the bud and reestablish the principle that you aren’t joined at the hip.

Once you’ve got him going without you, and realising that he’s not missing out on your time by avoiding social things you can hopefully start staying home and getting you time.

What cleaning job could possibly make someone angry??

ALWAYSMOVINGFORWARDS:
"You've gotta train 'em ie have boundaries even in an intimate relationship. If he has a little sulk because your attention is elsewhere, then do what? Do it consistently and they'll learn"

It isn't a woman's job to "train" her partner to act in an non abusive manner. The OP isn't a dog trainer trying to get her dog over it's separation anxiety. I wouldn't put up with his behaviour, I like time alone and couldn't be arsed having to organise my life around someone who needed constant attention to give them confidence in a relationship.

You've gotta train 'em ie have boundaries even in an intimate relationship

If two partners are compatible, neither will need to train the other. Avoid anybody you feel you might need to train.

God he sounds very needy. I feel claustrophobic just reading it.

OP do you see your friends and family separately without him making any kind of fuss?

Maybe a good starting point would be for you to go out without him.