Going out - what would you do? / copdependency

[gluvino]

My Dp and I have spent most of the last 3 years under each other's feet. Covid was part of that but also other factors which we had no choice in.

A while ago he decided to do a weekly activity and I said I would come along as and when if I felt like it.

This was all agreed and fine.

This has now turned into if I don't want to go he won't either.

He has just asked me if I am going today and I said I have other things to do (true) and he is clearly put out and not going also.

He has also been invited away overnight to a friend's house. When I found out I thought GREAT I can dye my hair, do the cleaning he always seems to insist he can't stand me doing. Play my own music ... you get the idea. Ever since he realised I was keen for him to go he has stalled and avoided doing so.

I don't know if he thinks I would suddenly invite 20 male strippers round or something. I actually just want a night to myself. I don't think that's so strange. I don't know why he wouldn't want to get away from me for a bit!

I love him but I don't know where to start with this. It's clearly built up over a long time. I think he needs to go to this event and go to the friend's house (separate things).

Also he has no reason to think I'm going to do something when he is away. I just really WANT an empty home for an hour or a night. Is that so bad?

If it makes a difference...I said I was going to do (insert random, boring, big cleaning job) when he left to see the friend. He then stalled and I did it anyway (had to) and he caused a huge row with me.

I don't know how to turn this around because every time I ask for space it's seen as rejection. However this can't be doing him any good either.

Why are you putting up with this?

Angry about cleaning? Wtf?

Tell him to stop trying to control you.

Go out on your own.

@Watchkeys I honestly don't do that. I generally clean when he is in the bath or shower as it seems to aggravate him. I know that makes me sound like Mrs. Bucket but I'm really not. This was one of those big, every few years jobs.

@alwaysmovingforwards I hear what you're saying but I have talked to him and he agrees that we need more time doing social stuff both together and separately. Then when it comes to it he doesn't want to.

I do see that being elated your other half is going away could be seen as not great but even if you take away covid we've been on top of each other for years. I think he should go and have fun! I think I should be able to just chill and if I do some cleaning at the same time then win for everyone.

@Watchkeys

Nobody's said he kicks off. He might just get fed up that OP always tries to hoover when he's just sat down in front of the telly.

From the OP

If it makes a difference...I said I was going to do (insert random, boring, big cleaning job) when he left to see the friend. He then stalled and I did it anyway (had to) and he caused a huge row with me.

OP, please be very wary about continuing this relationship. He isn't allowing you to be yourself and do the things that are important to you. He isn't giving you space just to be and to breathe. He wants to be with you all the time but on his terms only. You'll lose your sense of identity in putting his wishes above your needs. This isn't at all healthy. Don't worry about sounding unkind to him. You'll deeply regret it if you don't do something to prevent this getting worse than it already is.

@gluvino

Sorry, wasn't saying you did do that. Was just pointing out that PP's were dramatising what you'd said, without foundation.

He doesn't want you doing cleaning jobs around the place because he wants your undivided attention. All the time. When he's there, he expects you to put him and his needs at the centre of your world, and he is punishing you when you don't.

So... he wants your attention when he's at home, and he won't go out unless you go with him. What happens when you tell him you are going out on your own without him?

You do the cleaning when he's in the shower to avoid upsetting him?

That alone is enough red flags for a street full of bunting. You're both earning but he doesn't clean? Gets upset when you do? He's got you trained up.

If you think there's any chance that he's actually not controlling to the point of abusiveness, then think you have to try as a pp said, and start going out more by yourself, if he won't let you stay at home alone. Get your own hobby and see what happens.

Honestly, though, sounds like he's built you a cage, and even worse, quietly coerced you to help with the construction.

Does he do any cleaning? Sounds like it’s all left to you but also that you’re supposed to do it when he doesn’t even have to see it happen, which is bloody weird. Does he think the fairies do it?

It sounds claustrophobic to me and the fact that you can’t just say ‘I fancy a night to myself, why don’t you go off to hobby/ friends as planned, Ill enjoy having the tv remote to myself and doing the cleaning you hate?’ is worrying. Like why can’t you have the conversation that goes ‘come on mate, what’s going on here? We agreed we’ve been getting a bit codependent, we agreed we were going to try and do more things socially, you said you’d do the hobby whether I was there or not. But that’s not happening and every time I express a need for a bit of time to get on with my own things, or even to do cleaning in the house we BOTH live in, you seem to interpret it as rejection or we end up having a row. What’s making it difficult for you to follow through on what we agreed, is there something we can do to make it easier?’

Either he’s a decent bloke who is struggling with attachment/ insecurity/ anxiety/ whatever and would be open to that kind of conversation, or he’s controlling and will immediately twist it into a big argument to punish you for daring to express a desire for your own space/ interests/ thoughts. Only you really know which.

And of course, even if he IS a decent bloke who is struggling, that doesn’t make it your job to fix it for him and you certainly don’t have to accept a claustrophobic relationship with no personal space.

He’s got you in a cage of his own paranoid making and has over time got at you by degrees to tacitly accept this from him.

Your relationship is over because of his controlling behaviour and such is always abusive behaviour.

@sakuraxblossom Thank you for that link, I'm reading it today. We both had bad childhoods.