Feeling down about starting over again

[aloneagain83]

So here I am alone, starting over yet again. Another relationship down the drain. He wasn't ever putting me first and had mental health problems that were dragging me down. He was stringing me along about having a family one day. Anyway, that's all done, and at least I don't have him weighing me down anymore. Relief.

Whenever someone breaks up, I tell them what an exciting opportunity they have for themselves, to start afresh, and make their lives what they want. Start new hobbies, meet new people, join new groups etc. But I've come to find that at a certain age, these things are just daunting, and hard work. I'm dreading it all again now that I am in my late 30s.

I feel like the sad, lonely freak that tags along to things now. Even my mum, who is the most relaxed person, has started asking about getting my eggs frozen (high costs and low success rate won't make it worth it). Yes, I am panicking. Massively. I always wanted a husband and family. I've been through quite a few relationship break ups, as I don't put up with shit.

I want a loving, involved partner. It seems like these type of men are VERY hard to find. I'm back on online dating and it's been horrific so far. Absolutely awful men, lots of sexist and misogynistic profiles. Lots of men in late 30s and 40s looking like are peter pans and not ready to settle. It really is slim pickings.

I have joined a few meet up groups, but again, it's mostly going to be younger or older people on those. I'm at an odd age where most folk are coupled up, but I'm a realistic - at least half of these relationships will not be happy.

Anyway, I feel sad, lost, and very lonely once again. I am looking at taking a holiday on my own this summer and I hate how much more alone that is going to make me feel. Some people may enjoy solo travel. I really don't. But after working like crazy for the past few years, with no proper holiday, I do need a break for my mental health more than anything. I can't be at home or do staycations anymore - I need a change of scenery. I have friends, but they're all coupled up with their own summer plans.

I'm usually the eternal optimistic but it's got to the point where I need to be pragmatic and accept I may not meet someone to have a family with. And I'm miserable. The loneliness is horrendous. Everything feels empty and pointless.

Any advice/pearls of wisdom?

Anyone? Hope my post isn't too long!

Can't help much, but just to say in early 30s and feel the same 💐

Hi,
I read your post and wanted to reach out, not that I can help much but I share your pain in a way.
I was in a similar position, with a young daughter too after leaving my abusive exh. I was on my own for 4 years and then met a really wonderful man who makes me really happy but he comes with lots of baggage(in process of a divorce, 2 kids and shift working which makes seeing each other difficult) . Some days I'm at the point of thinking I might be better starting over but like you the dread of it, and knowing how small the dating pool is just makes me think I don't want to bother.
My exh has our daughter half the time so I have plenty of free time but my partner doesn't and has set holidays so it's hard planning anything. And like you say most people our age (I'm late 30's too) is settled with family.

Have you tired online dating? What hobbies do you enjoy?

No wisdom here - as you know yourself, trite platitudes about new starts don’t really help when you feel like your life has gone to shit.

I’m starting again at 48 and OLD is an absolute pain in the arse. One guy suggested last week that we meet up today, mentioned a local park for a walk. Haven’t heard from him since so no time or place has been arranged. So here I am, feeling pissed off that he hasn’t bothered (I messaged him first the past few times so I’m not doing it again!).

I got so fed up with it I messaged my ex and he made it very clear that he’s not interested any more. Which is probably for the best, but another kick in the teeth.

I don’t know what to suggest but know that you’re not alone.

Have you tried church?

Honestly in real life my friends would be shocked at this suggestion but I have thought about what if I had to re-enter the dating world and have thought about church.

Not in the ultra religious aspect, but for meeting people whom do make an effort to go once a week or so for celebration and contemplation about being thankful for this life.

I have an amazing friend who has had not great luck romantically so I decided to drag her for a drink somewhere new, in a lovely little village and there were a few middle aged, new men out we need to go back.

What if you did a holiday that was a bit of a retreat, so a yoga, creative writing, painting holiday? More people attend them single, somewhere lovely of course, I am thinking Italian countryside when I envision this, not sure why.

What do you enjoy, OP? What lights you up, other than the idea of finding a decent fella?

Hi my marriage broke up in my late 30s. It was a really horrendous time but I found new interests went on a solo holiday adventure which was amazing. I met someone else and had a baby at 38 after many ivf failures! So it’s not too late! Perhaps think about what hobbies do you want to do or sports. Its time for you now, what do you want to do…

I think you need to give the Meet-up groups etc another go
I'm 38 and divorcing so I know how you feel but I've thrown myself out there and although a lot of the ladies are older I've really enjoyed the chat
I'm not doing any dating as I just can't handle the stress
I wouldn't go on holiday on my own as that would depress me too so I'd be looking for groups to go away with

@aloneagain83

Have you considered having a child on your own? Have you had any fertility tests done?

I'm a solo mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) and had my son last year aged 39. The best decision I've made, am grateful every day that I don't have to be going through the mill of OLD (I know it all to well and it was awful for me too).

Many failed relationships behind me including a brief marriage but I didn't want to miss out on motherhood and settle for an awful relationship as was really panicked.

Freezing eggs is usually recommended to those aged 35 and under, and you're correct in saying that frozen eggs don't always guarantee a successful outcome.

@aloneagain83

How are you doing Op?

Hi Musttryharder2021 I’m doing the same, thanks for asking. No update. I came off the dating apps as it was just one awful man after the next.

Just wanted to say.... I'm in exactly the same boat

I have started travelling on my own (although I know you don't fancy that)..... I also borrow friends dogs for a night or two, all the fun but no commitment (plus makes it easier walking into a pub on your own!!)...

I too have just deleted the couple of dating apps I was on.... to be fair, I did meet a couple of nice chaps, but there was no spark - and I realised that as much as I want to be back in a comfy relationship, I'm not quite ready yet!

Good luck.... hope you find what you want x

Would you consider having a child on your own?

You could look at adventure holidays - a lot of people go solo and it doesn’t make you stick out.

A few years ago, divorcing, single and about to be 40 I spontaneously booked a safari trip to Kenya (first time I’ve ever been anywhere on my own!) and it was amazing, mix of old, young, couples, singles and with stuff to do everyday so you never got bored/lonely. I had so many amazing experiences and made some new friends from all over the world.

I did this one www.intrepidtravel.com/uk/kenya/kenya-wildlife-safari-125765

Also just to put some light at the end of the tunnel - I’m now about to be 43, have recently bought a house with a lovely man I met on Bumble and have never been happier!

You’re doing all the right things anon12345anon I need to get off my arse and actually start rebuilding my life bit by bit - thanks for the pointers!

category12 maybe - not sure I have the means though and it’s not how I expected my family life to pan out

Wow you’re an inspiration Chelsea26 I think I will look into a holiday in a few months maybe. so glad it all worked out for you and congrats on the new house and partner!

With you in solidarity. I'm already dreading Christmas x

I have found with online dating that many men are not who they say they are.
I’ve also found that men who just arrange to meet and then ghost are usually players or have found greener grass….. but then are still active on dating sites months later because they themselves cannot find a woman due to ghosting them or that the woman they ghosted you for “looked nothing like her pictures” apparently! Obviously she won’t if she posts pictures with filters and bunny ears with a dog’s nose lol (yes many men I’ve chatted to have admitted a lot of who they ghosted me for was someone who used filters in their pictures purporting they looked like a completely different person lol.

The one who was stringing you along…. I’d be interested in knowing how long after you met him he started saying he wants a family with you! As someone moving far too fast whilst still only in the dating stage is a massive red flag.

I’ve been through the mill a few times with online dating, to the point where I can tell what sort of man I am dealing with from the first few messages. What makes it worse for me now is that because I’ve been through the mill, been ghosted, been treated like I’m nothing more than sex etc that I’ve raised my bar so high that I’m now only after a specific type of man with a specific personality. These type of men are hard to come by online because most of these men are already snapped up. I’m in my late 30s too.
i am now happily in a relationship with a man I met online. I do feel I’m able to weed out most of the wasters and players just from the first few messages I have with them.

My advice is to not just chat to anyone who contacts you or you ‘match’ with. Decidewhat sort of a man you would like to date and work around that. There are many men I’ve come across online with all sort of issues/ some just downright abusive which for me now becomes apparent in the first few interactions with them. I will not stand for anyone calling me ‘babe’ or ‘sexy’ or ones who give their number too early or openly display their fb/ Instagram/ WhatsApp mobile numbers on their profiles. These often tend to be the players who call everyone ‘babe’ or ‘sexy’ and just give out their numbers to as many women as possible. I will not interact with someone who does not fill out their profile and doesn’t put any information (or as little information as possible) on their profiles…. Again I’ve found they tend to be a waste of time.

It’s a case of sorting out the wheat from the chaff. There will be some good guys on there but as I said, they are extremely few and far between.

Great advice Mumofnarnia I’ve been online dating for over ten years so sadly know the drill too. Some men are very charming and seemingly sincere in the beginning and change 6-9 months later
it’s such hard work and I can’t face it right now
I’m not sure I will cope with being let down again

Yes you are so right. I can usually predict the sort of people who I feel will change after 6-9 months just from my first few messages with them. It’s become a talent of mine now haha

@aloneagain83 I’ve been online dating for 10 years too! ‘Relationships’ don’t tend to last more than 3 months, I get love bombed, most of the men my age (40’s) have just come out of marriages and are ultimately just looking for a distraction (and not all the men event realise that tbf) to the heartbreak

mix in their guilt about leaving their kids, and their worry about what the ex wife will say or do when they find out they are dating again, it’s a recipe for disaster

I will no longer chat to Anyone who has not been properly divorced for at least a year. Just creates too much of a rollercoaster ride!

Wow Mumofnarnia I will pay you to screen my msgs when I start to date again!

Oh and another piece of advice. Don’t put all your time and effort into just one man you chat to / meet online. Because I can guarantee you that almost all men on dating sites are chatting to multiple women, even if they tell you they’re only chatting to you (never ever believe that, it’s usually a lie). Match their game.

Good tip re divorced men Sellie555