Feeling down about starting over again

[aloneagain83]

So here I am alone, starting over yet again. Another relationship down the drain. He wasn't ever putting me first and had mental health problems that were dragging me down. He was stringing me along about having a family one day. Anyway, that's all done, and at least I don't have him weighing me down anymore. Relief.

Whenever someone breaks up, I tell them what an exciting opportunity they have for themselves, to start afresh, and make their lives what they want. Start new hobbies, meet new people, join new groups etc. But I've come to find that at a certain age, these things are just daunting, and hard work. I'm dreading it all again now that I am in my late 30s.

I feel like the sad, lonely freak that tags along to things now. Even my mum, who is the most relaxed person, has started asking about getting my eggs frozen (high costs and low success rate won't make it worth it). Yes, I am panicking. Massively. I always wanted a husband and family. I've been through quite a few relationship break ups, as I don't put up with shit.

I want a loving, involved partner. It seems like these type of men are VERY hard to find. I'm back on online dating and it's been horrific so far. Absolutely awful men, lots of sexist and misogynistic profiles. Lots of men in late 30s and 40s looking like are peter pans and not ready to settle. It really is slim pickings.

I have joined a few meet up groups, but again, it's mostly going to be younger or older people on those. I'm at an odd age where most folk are coupled up, but I'm a realistic - at least half of these relationships will not be happy.

Anyway, I feel sad, lost, and very lonely once again. I am looking at taking a holiday on my own this summer and I hate how much more alone that is going to make me feel. Some people may enjoy solo travel. I really don't. But after working like crazy for the past few years, with no proper holiday, I do need a break for my mental health more than anything. I can't be at home or do staycations anymore - I need a change of scenery. I have friends, but they're all coupled up with their own summer plans.

I'm usually the eternal optimistic but it's got to the point where I need to be pragmatic and accept I may not meet someone to have a family with. And I'm miserable. The loneliness is horrendous. Everything feels empty and pointless.

Any advice/pearls of wisdom?

Thanks for all the tips
I’m not ready and not in the headspace to date yet
time is running out but I can’t force myself

@aloneagain83

((((HUG))))

its shit isn't it.

I understand that you feel this isn't how you planned your life. many of us in the same position.

some advice though. Do anything you can to secure having a child. That's the thing I regret the most, I wanted the man, the 'family' the dream. I won't bore you with all the details, but at 53 I've just broken up with the man in my life after 7 years. At 53, you can imagine how the thought of starting over is making me feel. I'm not in the best of health, I have health issues that make eating out incredibly difficult & certainly boring, the body is a long way from what it was & the face is joining it!

long & short relationships, lots of 💔 but my biggest regret is not having a child/children on my own if necessary & holding out for the dream.

obviously I didn't think DP & I would have children together, but I probably wasted my last few childbearing years when I shouldn't have & certainly plenty before meeting him.

I broke up with my first long term partner (8 years) when I was 24 and I felt 'too old to be single & meet someone new & have a family' (daft I know, but I understand your feeling!) and as daft as that might sound to you, at 53, your age sounds YOUNG to me now.

you'll never be younger than you are today!!

Go for it, talk to friends, work colleagues, let them know you're looking for decent men to date! It's SENSIBLE, not desperate. I think most people understand how shit Internet dating is!!

my situation is a bit complicated, but I'm going to get out there & join some groups, not just singles ones either. Just fun stuff.

but tonight I'm wallowing, because I'm not in the 'relief' stage, I'm in the 'I love HIM& want HIM, not someone else stage. I know this too shall pass & that I will be ok, but nursing 💔today.

CafeCremeMerci, I'm sending hugs and to you and OP and all here who are in the same boat. I could have written your post when I was in my 40s, apart from a few dates and minor details.

Such a painful time. I stayed in dead-end relationships because I felt guilty about leaving them. I even knew it was wrong at the time -- they didn't give a damn about hurting me!

As i happened, I met DH and we've been happily married for many years now. But we are childless, and I deeply regret that I didn't prioritise having a baby when I could. I realise now that I should have focused on that, since it was what I most wanted, and at least made a decision whether to go ahead alone if I couldn't find the right partner.

OP, I hope you can take the good advice here, and that it helps you.

@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus

thank you 💐

i'm sorry to hear you're childless (not by chouce) too, it's bloody hard isn't it.

Feeling guilty about leaving men who wouldn't have had the same concern about you is a HUGE part of it, isn't it. I hope more girls are being brought up to be more able to prioritise their own needs & less to be people pleasers, always putting other peoples needs first.

I'm really glad, you do have a lovely DH though. 😊

Thanks, Winter xx

How are you doing Op @aloneagain83 ?

@aloneagain83 have you heard of flash pack? They do amazing holidays for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Could be a nice way to meet new friends if anything.

This doesn't compensate for not having a partner and a family; no amount of holidays ever will if what you want at this stage if your life is a family. It's just an expensive distraction from what you want. Useless advice.

It's awful. It's exhausting and it hurts so much. When a relationship ends it feels as though all the shared intimacies and getting to understand someone was just such a waste...
I hated OLD and tried and tried but I met my bf through friends which honestly seems a miracle these days....but it can happen. I think the hard thing is to summon up the energy to do something to get rid of the sad feeling that always seems to be lurking around. For the holiday book either a group tour or the best hotel that you can afford and really structure your time. You know things will get better but it's hard first. Big big hug x

@Goatbilly OP mentioned about taking a holiday but was unsure about solo travelling.

I gave the name of a reputable company that does this. Plus it’s a chance to meet other people in the same boat. Men and women. How is that useless advice? 😂 jeez. Calm down.

I'm in the same position as you op, I could have written this myself. I have my good and my bad days and I too have found online dating to be awful. I don't really know where to go from here but just know you aren't alone.