How To Trust Again After Narcissistic Abuse

[coleslawsuzy]

Hi there, I'm a few months out of a three year relationship with a narcissist. It is 100% over (despite his pathetic hoovering attempts) and I have been having therapy with someone who specialises in narcissistic abuse, and who validates everything that I've been through. The problem is, as I process more and more of the awful things my ex did to me, I get angrier and angrier, and sadder and sadder. I'm pretty sure this is a necessary part of the healing process - before therapy I couldn't quite believe this was narcissistic abuse. He'd always told me I was over sensitive and imagining things, so I sort of held onto that for a long time. However, now I know what he is and what he did, I have this anger in me that seems to affect how I see other potential partners. I am so so suspicious of everyone and the first sniff of a red flag, I retreat. It's like I think everyone is now a narcissist and I shut people down before I give them a chance. I'm aware that perhaps it's too early to be thinking about dating again, but I suppose I was wondering if anyone else had experienced it? Did this suspicion subside on its own or did you have to put work into 'softening' yourself? I feel like I have this rage and this disdain for men and it's awful! I used to be so open to the idea of love and relationships, and now I'm so wary of that, I worry it'll stop me from finding a decent partner in the future. Any advice or experience would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Bump x

I think this is probably something you could explore in therapy later down the line.

In one way, it’s healthy that you recognise the red flags and you will have far stronger boundaries in future.

I think this is part of your healing process, and yes it may be too early to date again. The anger is normal and it will be having an effect on how you view relationships, I think that in time this will subside and you will be wary, but open to a new relationship.

My ex was extremely abusive, and I felt much the same but again through therapy I’m working on it, and I’m much less angry and anti men than I was.

Well done for leaving x

Wait til you trust yourself.
I was in an abusive relationship. It did erode me. It takes time to rebuild whatvwas eroded in the abusive relationship.

Think about who you want to be. Is there a strong but self compassionate woman you know of who would instantly walk away from what doesnt serve her?

No internal dialogue required, because she was instantly viscerally turned off by being treated badly.

I used to ask myself "would Elle King accept this?". Fake name, but that got me going on the new to me concept of sticking to boundaries.

I had gone in to relationships with an idea of what i didnt want! And it was clear in theory but id always make exceptions in real life :-/

As though it were too harsh to walk away. I had dialogues to convince myself to accept what i knew i didnt want.

So "would Elle king accept this?" was a validating suit of armour for me before i became genuinely turned off by bad behavior.

An abusive relationship will have eroded you, it will have affected your inner voice.
So please look in to the practice ofvself compassion tobrecalibrate your inner voice.

Kirsten neff phd and christopher germer phd have a really good workbook. I did all the exercises, one chapter a week for about 15 weeks and i feel i made progress.

Think about your sense of yourself. Your values. What you will and will not live with.

A boyfriend is not like a job or a house. You don't have to have one.

What "we" are vulnerable after abusive relationships is getting in to a relationship that is slight less abusive and we do not see it.

So be aware of what it feels like to feel supported, maybe with women friends. That's the feeling you want from a man too.

Be aware of the uncomfortable feeling of being unsupported or disbelieved or undermined.

Its the feelings you need to believe in.

If you believe in your own right to walk away from any situation where you felt undermined, shutdown, manipulated or disregarded, then you won't need to have a strong case to leave.

You feel just feel turned off and you will walk away with much over analysis.

So what does it feel like to be undermined? Disregarded?

Think back. Have you normalised that feeling over the years?

Have you disallowed yourself from having any reaction to being undermined, shut down, manipulated et cetera.

If you"ve never been allowed to have a normal visible reaction to being treated badly then to beging to stop noticing when you're treated badly.

You"ve been trained to believe you have no right to a reaction. But you did have a right to a reaction. You had the right to be angry.

What does it feel like to be believed by your friends now? The ones who are in yr corner? What does it feel like to know they are optimistic for your futurevand want the best for you. Sit with those feelings of support and book mark those feelings

Xx

ps, it's ok to feel sad and angry and what I loved about Pete Walker's book ''the Tao of fully feeling'' he validated the process of going through anger. He wasn't saying stay angry for ever but he was completely validating of the place anger had to protect you from decades more of the same. Anger is important. In order to have any hope of ever moving through the anger, it should be fully felt. YOu should know who you're angry with and why and what they did and what the injustice was and how it affected you. He really validated me for the anger I felt/feel. I needed to feel it to protect myself from squaring up for decades more.
It wasn't poison. It was a life jacket.

As time goes by and you feel stronger, you need the anger less, so the whole concept of ''can't you forgive, omg, resentment is like digging two graves you know'' becomes less relevant because you just don't need the feelings as much. But feel them.
They will protect you.
And when you need less protection, they matter less, they fade.
And when they fade, the concept of forgiving begins to seem less impossible,
Because you're strong enough to be bored by it all now.

So forgiveness is really just properly moving through legitimate anger and eventually processing it, like a poo, ha ha sorry.

But it helped me a lot. It's on audible.

excellent work book my therapist recommended

This is such a good book for giving yourself a kinder voice. I had thought I was doing ok, because after a round of therapy about 8 years ago my inner voice shifted from ''mean bitch'' to just neutral. But it took my recent therapy in 2021 to get me to show myself the same level of compassion that I'd show to a friend.
I got really in to this concept.
The yin/yang of reparenting (remothering and refathering) was particularly interesting to me as both my parents were rubbish so i needed both aspects.
The yin of validation, soothing, acceptance, and the yang of motivation, planning, having goals and discipline and self-belief.

I recommend this book and really sitting with it through the exercises and mediations as a good way of counteracting the years where you were ERODED

@ComfyChairPose excellent post x

For me, it was the recognition that abuse could never hurt me again if I made sure I didn't stick around to endure it. Which made it my responsibility to take care of. Which stopped it being scary, because I was in charge of it, not an outsider.

You're in charge, OP. You are your own responsibility. You wouldn't have been a victim of abuse if you'd walked away the first time your ex did something that hurt you. Knowing that means you never have to be a victim of abuse again.

I couldn't even trust my closest friend of years and years after my relationship with an abuser ended. But gradually, the lack of trust in everything and everybody receded, and receded so far that it now can be referred to as 'healthy boundaries'.

The key to avoiding abuse is trusting your own feelings, and responding appropriately, rather than questioning them/wondering if you're right. Trusting your own feelings starts here: if you don't want to be within a mile of any man, sexually/romantically, respect that. That's where you're at. That's how you feel. You don't need yourself to be any different. Accept and respect your feelings. The questioning of them that you're doing now is the same questioning that leads to 'He hurt me, but perhaps I'm just being sensitive?' Break that habit today. You are rageful; that's fine. You are sad; that's fine. You find it hard to trust right now; that's fine. There are no rules for feelings, so you can't get it wrong. Any feeling you have is a representation of who you are. Who your heart is. Accept it.

@Watchkeys I read your comments on a lot of post, in face when posters are writing about a situation similar to mine I skim through to see if you have posted.

You give excellent advice, and you help more people than you realise. Thank you.

In fact*

Thank you so much. A truly brilliant post. Thank you thank you, this is so appreciated x

Thank you x

I used to be so open to the idea of love and relationships, and now I'm so wary of that

I realised my openness in relationships was actually poor boundaries and naivety. I felt like you but now I see it as a learning opportunity. I needed to be less open, less trusting and less forgiving. It took a few trial relationships post abusive relationship to prove my boundaries. I just wish I had learned earlier in my life but it's never too late.

This is also really solid advice. Thank you. What a brilliant group - honestly, this is so appreciated, I can't tell you x

Thanks @SoSo19 I'm really glad it helps

@ComfyChairPose, Fabulous post and very kind of you yo post.

The problem is, as I process more and more of the awful things my ex did to me, I get angrier and angrier, and sadder and sadder. I'm pretty sure this is a necessary part of the healing process -

yep part of the process. It can take years and years - however long it takes is okay. At some point it will just naturally burn out and begin to clear.

It's like I think everyone is now a narcissist and I shut people down before I give them a chance.

In a way everyone is a narcissist - it’s a very overused derogatory term on the internet but everyone has to have a healthy degree of narcissism to survive and live well - it’s a quality that makes us value our own feelings and stand up for ourselves. It’s when it’s out of hand and causes us to abuse others that’s the problem. I think it takes a while to develop a subtly of awareness of what’s safe and what’s not safe in others. The book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ describes how when you’ve been living with abuse/danger your amygdala can become very sensitive to any perceived danger and can act like a faulty fire alarm, sounding off at any slight danger. So part of the work of healing is exposing yourself to people and working out what’s safe and not safe, and like a PP said, developing your ability to keep yourself safe from anything escalating into an actually dangerous situation.

I'm aware that perhaps it's too early to be thinking about dating again, but I suppose I was wondering if anyone else had experienced it? Did this suspicion subside on its own or did you have to put work into 'softening' yourself? I feel like I have this rage and this disdain for men and it's awful!

I think paradoxically the work you put into accepting your feelings and having compassion for yourself will thaw you out towards other people. So it’s not that you have to put work into accepting other people or changing your suspicions, but put the work into accepting yourself and your feelings. Accept your suspicions and be curious about them - ask why are they there, where did they come from etc. Your suspicions and anger will naturally drop away once you develop self awareness of them because you’ll develop an inner ‘pause’ where you can see them for what they are, acknowledge them and decide whether to live by them or not.

It is hard, long work to recover from narcissistic abuse but it sounds like you’re on the right track and glad you have therapy to guide you through.

The problem is, as I process more and more of the awful things my ex did to me, I get angrier and angrier, and sadder and sadder

These are simply the feelings you repressed at the time when those things happened. And this is a very good example of why it's destructive to repress your emotions: you can't. They show themselves eventually, and you can't avoid them. You'll have to have them all at once, now, and that's why it feels overwhelming, but, like anything else you were furious about in the past, it does pass. You have to not repress it, though.

How do you express your anger? How do you get it out of you and into the world? I found writing it all down helped. Furiously, with swear words and capitals and red pen. It allows you to express yourself, but without hurting anybody else or causing a bunch of unnecessary drama.

@Watchkeys that's a good question. I don't know how I get my anger out, which makes me think that maybe I feel angry, but I'm not expressing that in any real way. I do like writing, and have used that as a tool to log the things he did to me in the past. But I've never really used my words to express anger. More for the sadness and confusion at the time. I think trying to get it out onto paper could help. Thank you, I'll give that a go.

@fabicelolly thank you. I agree - I need to figure out and accept my feelings. At the moment I flip flop between so many feelings - am I angry? Am I too angry? Should I be over this now? Do my friends think I should be over this now? Am I just a terrible person for being so guarded with people...? So many thoughts. It's exhausting. But if I keep doing the therapy and being conscious of everything, hopefully this will all eventually start to subside. Thanks for your words - I really appreciate them.

The part of you that's angry has probably been angry since you were a kid. There'll be an adult in your past (most likely a parent) you had to repress your feelings in much the same way.

Once that tantrumming child inside you has quietened down, she'll start saying stuff to you more quietly, like 'I don't like the way this person is treating us. Lets just leave.' She'll look after you, if you listen to her. The fact that you can hear her anger right now is a really good thing, even though it feels horrible. It means that finally, finally, you are listening.

So true. I don't mean to overwhelm op, but this was my experience. I got away from my x but then realised that my parents would hurt me and then shame me for displaying any hurt. The anger i have felt has prevented me from squaring up obediently to being hurt and eroded more.

But it's not all automatically overwhelming. These epiphanies come when you're ready, and they make things make sense.

Thank you for this post OP - really helpful advice on here.
I struggle with boundaries and expressing anger so it's useful to read them

The thing is with anger, it doesn't have to be expressed angrily. If someone does 'x' and it makes you furious, all you have to say is 'I feel angry when you do that.'

If the person cares about you, they'll either apologise and stop, or they'll talk to you about it so that the two of you can reach a mutually acceptable compromise. If you get the the stage where you feel like you want to scream in their face or poke them in the eye, that's not because you're angry, it's because you're angry and they won't listen to or respect your anger.

Same with anything. 'I feel x when you do y' is the only sentence you need to express your feelings. If you express them in this way, clearly and calmly, and you make sure the other person has understood, the rest is up to them. Your only responsibility to yourself after that is to create distance between yourself and those who disrespect your feelings.

Thank you, this is all such good advice and real food for thought. And not overwhelming in the slightest, it's so kind of you all to reply.

Absolutely, never truer words spoken. This is where i am with my parents and I feel like I'm boring mumsnet with my story over and over but they labelled me paranoid and I told them ''I don't want to be called paranoid, I'm actually if anything too trusting''. And then they dismissively called me sensitive. Then I pointed out how unfair that was and I guess there was anger in my voice at this stage because they were acting so martyred. I felt that it was an injustice, that their martyrdom was a permitted reaction but my visible hurt was not a permitted reaction. I have held my own in a gaslit swamp now for two years, at every point that my parents could have made it better they made it worse. Examples, instead of talking to me like I made it plain I wanted to, they first gave me the silent treatment. Then they tried to summons me back to heel but made it clear there would be NO DISCUSSION, so I said no thank you..... Paraphrasing.
Then again, making it worse, instead of talking to me they talked about me to the extended family and I noticed various aunts hadn't responded to simple texts and a cousin was cool with me when I met him by chance. Also when I went over to their house with a letter pointing out all of the double standards, as sensitively as I could, like why is my hurt a grudge but yours is legitimate pain that I should feel shame for having caused.... they glanced about to see who could see. Showing me that they literally and absolutely cared more about what the neighbours thought than what I felt.

They still feel like the victims of me though. My dad is my mum's foot soldier, but I caught him on his on recently and he said that mum doesn't speak for him when she has said things like ''sorry you're so unhappy'' and ''don't bother to reply''. He says he wants to put an end to the estrangement but when I was trying to explain how I'd been hurt, he said ''loooooook, I just don't really want to go there''. Wow.

Part of me wants to take my Dad up on his offer to finally be heard. But I'm not sure either of them is capable of understanding that they consider me putting my feelings first a betrayal of theirs. Well, my mum does. My dad just aligns himself to the stronger force. And mum loves having a foot soldier who agrees with her that she's never wrong.

Any advice @Watchkeys ? I could just walk away. At this point I know that I don't need them, I need peace.

I know that if we had this meeting and they cannot show me some evidence that they are listening, that they respect my anger, that they see their part in the estrangement then I will give up and stop pursuing any relationship.

For the last two years what I've been pursuing (sporadically) is that they hear me.

But if I take up my dad's offer to hear me (even though he said ''i don't really want to go there then I can walk away knowing that that's it, they are absolutely UNREACHABLE and that I tried everything to be heard.