How To Trust Again After Narcissistic Abuse

[coleslawsuzy]

Hi there, I'm a few months out of a three year relationship with a narcissist. It is 100% over (despite his pathetic hoovering attempts) and I have been having therapy with someone who specialises in narcissistic abuse, and who validates everything that I've been through. The problem is, as I process more and more of the awful things my ex did to me, I get angrier and angrier, and sadder and sadder. I'm pretty sure this is a necessary part of the healing process - before therapy I couldn't quite believe this was narcissistic abuse. He'd always told me I was over sensitive and imagining things, so I sort of held onto that for a long time. However, now I know what he is and what he did, I have this anger in me that seems to affect how I see other potential partners. I am so so suspicious of everyone and the first sniff of a red flag, I retreat. It's like I think everyone is now a narcissist and I shut people down before I give them a chance. I'm aware that perhaps it's too early to be thinking about dating again, but I suppose I was wondering if anyone else had experienced it? Did this suspicion subside on its own or did you have to put work into 'softening' yourself? I feel like I have this rage and this disdain for men and it's awful! I used to be so open to the idea of love and relationships, and now I'm so wary of that, I worry it'll stop me from finding a decent partner in the future. Any advice or experience would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Apologies for that long hi-jack @coleslawsuzy

ps, standing up to my parents has changed me though. FOR the better. Even though I had healed a lot since my abusive relationship, I was still too much of a people pleaser, I had been ''wendied'' twice, once by my COUSIN which still blows my mind, that a woman pushing 50 as she was at the time would feel comfortable icing me while fawning over all the other relatives. And a woman in work was trying to exclude me too. Luckily she left. Most people like me but occasionally a covert narcissist will smell vulnerability and think, catnip catnip, and for some reason be threatened enough by me in some baffling way that they aim to exclude me. It's like I'm authentic enough to connect easily with people but vulnerable enough to be chased off, so it's a no-brainer for the covert narcissist, get rid of comfy.....

But for all this drama over the last two years I do feel now that having been ostracised from my family of origin, because it was submit to our narratives that you're crazy and unhappy and angry and sensitive, or we will not speak to you....... (but we won't admit it's the silent treatment, we'll blame you for the estrangement)... I feel like I'm a lot stronger than I was. Overall it's been a healing experience.

I'd just walk away, @ComfyChairPose , from anyone who makes you feel so much drama that you feel the need to type up the nitty gritty on a forum. You're still buying into it. You're still engaging with what they think of you. It doesn't matter what they think of you.

yes, I need to stop caring what they think of me. It's hard.

I think I will have this one meeting because it will really spell out to me HOW unreachable they are.

I do not have any fantasy that they're going to have an epiphany. I did to begin with.

But I think a meeting would be useful to me to remove all hope, ykwim.

Then I can draw a line under things, KNOWING for certain there's no hope.

''If the person cares about you, they'll either apologise and stop, or they'll talk to you about it so that the two of you can reach a mutually acceptable compromise. If you get the the stage where you feel like you want to scream in their face or poke them in the eye, that's not because you're angry, it's because you're angry and they won't listen to or respect your anger.''

This is so valuable. I'm emailing this to myself

What do you want from your parents comfy and realistically as an adult, do you think they are capable of providing it?

If they aren't capable, does that mean no relationship is possible or does it mean a different relationship?

There is no point banging your head against the wall until it bleeds....

Good question.

I want them to understand that I am not responsible for the estrangement. I can live with us not being able to fix things, but they hurt me, reacted to my telling them that with martyrdom and anger, gave me the silent treatment, stonewalled me, cared more about what the neighbours thought than I felt, smeared me to the relatives and told me I was in their hearts, they were sorry I was so unhappy (amongst many other projections).

I want them to know that My conscience is CLEAR! I do not feel guilty and I will not be manipulated in to feeling responsible for this mess.

Everything they did and said was a choice. And they could have just said ''oh, we didn't intend to hurt you, sorry''. But instead, two years of this drama ensued.

If I do walk away forever, I want them to know that I feel NO GUILT.

Does that make sense?

And, I know some of that may be impossible, so if I walk away drawing a line under it, never contacting them, I need to know that I did genuinely try to make them understand. I want to know that I did explain it to them. They haven't let me explain it yet. And again, that's their choice. But I'll feel better about giving up if I sit opposite them and tell them that they hurt me and that mattered and if they get angry with me, again, and still can understand............ then I will honestly feel better about just giving up.

I won't be waiting for them to have an epiphany. I think there's been a part of me that's been waiting for that for the last two years.