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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is a mess please help me untangle this? What to do now?

27 replies

MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 19:11

around 2 months ago my partner of 7 years left me. I was almost half way through my pregnancy. I had an absolute meltdown, tears, off work, not eating. My parents are around an hour from where I live and the day it happened they said to come over which I did. Three days later they were marching round the house saying they couldn’t afford to feed me, how dare I stay in bed all day, they were sick of this impact on their lives etc etc. One eve if I asked if I could eat upstairs as I couldn’t face being at the table. That evening I heard them saying I was behaving like a teenager and they ‘couldn’t cope’ with me. I had literally just sat eating in my room, not asked to chat, not asked for anything. I heard my dad say i was ‘too miserable to be around.’

at the time I just took it as I was in such a low place that I was pretty much numb to any more pain. Obviously it hurt and i did cry about it but it was nothing compared to what else I was going through.

unfortunately around this time I proceeded to go ahead with a house purchase about 10 minutes walk from them. The house is lovely, it’s a nice area generally and not a bad place for me to be. But I feel dreadful being so close to them. The conveyancing is going through and I could technically back out but then I don’t know if I would I find somewhere else to go, I’d have to stay put in my much smaller place and not somewhere I had planned to stay in the long run anyway. The smaller place was a buy to let (my original house before I met ex DP).

I am reflecting on all the things they said and I just know that whilst they are decent people generally, they are very emotionally stunted and toxic and were very much this way when I was a child. I have memories of those first couple of weeks after exdp left with them saying I was making them miserable, they were too old for this (not sure what ‘this’ was), and they were now in a horror movie because I had made their life so depressing with all my problems. I had been upset and cried and wanted to chat about it now and then but I don’t think my feelings or attitude was any different to anyone else who had been left pregnant to be honest.

Intermittently they would say they were trying their best to help (financially they have) but I just feel so hurt by how they were with me. Maybe I am being totally unfair and this is a normal reaction but I didn’t feel safe or loved I just wanted to be very far away from them.

if I don’t pull out of the house next week then it’s going to go ahead. I’m an absolute mess and haven’t heard from exdp since the day we split.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 19:13

for context the ‘can’t afford to feee me’ was incredible considering they own a million pound house and have no money worries. They don’t owe me food of course but I could barely open my eyes let alone go and get food. Looking back I can’t imagine a friend saying that to me. It’s just broken me. I don’t think I fully considered it at the time

OP posts:
Shelovespawpatrol · 25/06/2022 19:31

Where do you envisage yourself eventually being happy and being a mum to your child?

Ohtoberoavingagain · 25/06/2022 19:31

I’m so sorry your parents were so unsupportive; an awful time made worse ( my mother told me off when DH and I split, as if I was a child, how could I let him go and how did I think it made her feel?) Sometimes they just don’t get it.

If you don’t think you’re going to be happy in the new house, halt things now. There’ll be other houses in the future. For now, concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby.

Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 19:32

@Ohtoberoavingagain thank you. I don’t know what to do for the best anymore. I feel like I am drowning it’s been the worst few months of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 19:34

@Shelovespawpatrol i don’t know really. I feel weaker around my parents as they put me down a lot. The entire pregnancy all I have heard is that I won’t cope, I’m not the type to cope etc. I don’t feel emotionally strong around them. But then again the house is so nice that is going ahead and I grew up there so although they are nearby there is my own connection to it. I just don’t know if I can bear being so near them

OP posts:
3luckystars · 25/06/2022 19:36

Pull out of the house buying. Make something up and say it fell through.

do this first.

when you don’t know what to do, then do what you do know what to do. Pull out of the house buy now.

HuntingoftheSnark · 25/06/2022 19:40

Hi OP, I was in a very similar position some years ago - really almost identical except that I lived and worked overseas. I came back to the UK when I was single and pregnant, put an offer in for a house near to my parents, thinking that they might be supportive. In fact they were deeply ashamed that I'd ended up in such a position and made that very clear. In my situation, the vendors pulled out, thereby making my decision for me. I returned overseas and carried on, had my baby alone and she'll be 25 this year.

I don't think anyone can tell you the best course of action but personally, it was easier having distance between my parents and me, rather than the dragging weight of their disapproval and disappointment just around the corner. I was glad that the decision was made for me.

I really feel for you. It's a time when all the feelings you thought you'd have are rudely pushed aside. Do you have siblings? My sister was a tremendous support to me and I used to return every year to stay with her (I moved back to the UK when DD was six and have been here ever since, reconciled with my parents etc).

Dominuse · 25/06/2022 19:54

MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 19:11

around 2 months ago my partner of 7 years left me. I was almost half way through my pregnancy. I had an absolute meltdown, tears, off work, not eating. My parents are around an hour from where I live and the day it happened they said to come over which I did. Three days later they were marching round the house saying they couldn’t afford to feed me, how dare I stay in bed all day, they were sick of this impact on their lives etc etc. One eve if I asked if I could eat upstairs as I couldn’t face being at the table. That evening I heard them saying I was behaving like a teenager and they ‘couldn’t cope’ with me. I had literally just sat eating in my room, not asked to chat, not asked for anything. I heard my dad say i was ‘too miserable to be around.’

at the time I just took it as I was in such a low place that I was pretty much numb to any more pain. Obviously it hurt and i did cry about it but it was nothing compared to what else I was going through.

unfortunately around this time I proceeded to go ahead with a house purchase about 10 minutes walk from them. The house is lovely, it’s a nice area generally and not a bad place for me to be. But I feel dreadful being so close to them. The conveyancing is going through and I could technically back out but then I don’t know if I would I find somewhere else to go, I’d have to stay put in my much smaller place and not somewhere I had planned to stay in the long run anyway. The smaller place was a buy to let (my original house before I met ex DP).

I am reflecting on all the things they said and I just know that whilst they are decent people generally, they are very emotionally stunted and toxic and were very much this way when I was a child. I have memories of those first couple of weeks after exdp left with them saying I was making them miserable, they were too old for this (not sure what ‘this’ was), and they were now in a horror movie because I had made their life so depressing with all my problems. I had been upset and cried and wanted to chat about it now and then but I don’t think my feelings or attitude was any different to anyone else who had been left pregnant to be honest.

Intermittently they would say they were trying their best to help (financially they have) but I just feel so hurt by how they were with me. Maybe I am being totally unfair and this is a normal reaction but I didn’t feel safe or loved I just wanted to be very far away from them.

if I don’t pull out of the house next week then it’s going to go ahead. I’m an absolute mess and haven’t heard from exdp since the day we split.

Been pretty much exactly there.

DP no issues - no name on the birth certificate. No contact. CMS for support.

This house - can you afford elsewhere or are you reliant on this house ? Are they involved in the purchase?

if no -

do you like the area? Imagine they are dead - nice place to raise a child for 5/10
years or no?
good primary school etc?

if the answers to the above is positive buy it . If not don’t buy elsewhere

if yes -
don’t buy it. Move away and get counselling.

I have been there - we now live 10 minutes away from them in an area we love in a house we rent and not the one they offered to buy us. We will buy in two years. We love the area. We don’t see them. They are abusive a couple of years of no contact and intensive therapy and I’m much more sorted and can see why I married the man I did / my father

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2022 19:57

Your parents should be bloody ashamed of themselves thing is though OP you never know what's going on in their lives to some extent- maybe they are unhappy too I wouldn't live near such an unsupportive pair unless you really really want to live in that area

Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 20:05

Dominuse · 25/06/2022 19:54

Been pretty much exactly there.

DP no issues - no name on the birth certificate. No contact. CMS for support.

This house - can you afford elsewhere or are you reliant on this house ? Are they involved in the purchase?

if no -

do you like the area? Imagine they are dead - nice place to raise a child for 5/10
years or no?
good primary school etc?

if the answers to the above is positive buy it . If not don’t buy elsewhere

if yes -
don’t buy it. Move away and get counselling.

I have been there - we now live 10 minutes away from them in an area we love in a house we rent and not the one they offered to buy us. We will buy in two years. We love the area. We don’t see them. They are abusive a couple of years of no contact and intensive therapy and I’m much more sorted and can see why I married the man I did / my father

Show quote history

@Dominuse ive tried to PM you

OP posts:
Likeairirise · 25/06/2022 20:19

They definitely weren't supportive but is there any chance that you are transferring anger from your ex to your parents? I ask because I've done this in the past. I'm not saying you shouldn't be annoyed or disappointed in them but maybe the level is amplified...

Do you think they will be supportive when you have the baby? Will they be hands on grandparents? Having a baby / young child can be very isolating and so having family nearby if they are willing to help could be really helpful. You'd need to set pretty strong boundaries but you might really be grateful for the help!

Hollytreenew · 25/06/2022 20:20

Oh I really feel for you. I don’t know exactly how you feel at all but can understand a little bit. My partner left me after 10 years together. I was staying with my parents for Christmas about a month after. My sister told me I was being miserable and moping about and that I should just stop. I was devastated at the time as my whole world had changed, I had to change my job, where I lived and lost a partner of 10 years and yet my sister was telling me not to be miserable! I can’t help but just say to surround yourself with people who can support you and help you through. I have some amazing friends who were brilliant.
Another part of what you said was living near your parents. I live about 3 mins drive from my parents and I don’t really see them often, I suppose it depends on what sort of relationship you think you will have. Do you think they will pop round unexpectedly? Or will they expect you to be round a lot or for you to invite them round? That might influence your decision on whether to buy the house or not.
Sending hugs. It doesn’t feel like you can get through this and it might take a long time but you will.

Calmdown14 · 25/06/2022 20:24

While their behaviour wasn't great, do you think they were also panicked by the situation?
I.e that they worried this wasn't going to be just a few days and that you'd be needing a lot more help/support with the baby than they'd anticipated?

I realise that it's still quite a cold reaction but if they are people that don't cope well with change then it might have been a big deal to them too in terms of potential impact on their lives. That they might literally be stuck holding a baby at a stage in their lives they don't want that if you were as low as you describe.

I have a parent with flaws but that's just who he is and I've learned to accept it and not seek more.

Your parents sound like they may have been brought up not to show emotion and so were just lost that an adult should be so floored by it (a generation above them and hearing your partner had been injured in the war or was missing but receiving no further update for months was normal and people were expected to crack on).

If you do move, you may need to adjust your expectations of what they can offer. With a young baby, you may find an hour in the garden chatting about the day to day a couple of times a week is a welcome change of scenery. It doesn't sound like they'll be wonderfully hands on or give you a break.

But if you feel their judgement will be burning into you at all times reconsider.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2022 20:27

Buy the house and build your own life. I doubt your parents will bother you, honestly.

Beancounter1 · 25/06/2022 20:28

If it is ten minutes away from them, can you avoid them if you live there, or will they be expecting visits?
If you can have very low contact, and are happy to risk bumping in to them in the supermarket, then you could move there and just avoid visits, or have short visits with your boundaries in place. It doesn't have to be forever; you could do some work on the house, add a bit of value maybe, then move again in two or three years before the child starts school. This way may mean you don't lose money that you have already spent on the purchase process.

If the thought of meeting them at random in a shop fills you with dread, don't move, pull out the sale.

Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 20:29

@Calmdown14 thanks that is really helpful. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I know they would deliver meals, help financially, babysit one evening a week.

Emotionally I will get very little support from them though. I can’t be upset around them they just get angry and say I’m ruining their lives.

I agree that their stress may have been a about feeling responsible though I never actually asked anything of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 20:31

Beancounter1 · 25/06/2022 20:28

If it is ten minutes away from them, can you avoid them if you live there, or will they be expecting visits?
If you can have very low contact, and are happy to risk bumping in to them in the supermarket, then you could move there and just avoid visits, or have short visits with your boundaries in place. It doesn't have to be forever; you could do some work on the house, add a bit of value maybe, then move again in two or three years before the child starts school. This way may mean you don't lose money that you have already spent on the purchase process.

If the thought of meeting them at random in a shop fills you with dread, don't move, pull out the sale.

@Beancounter1 its not as bad as I wouldn’t want to see them but I think even them being in my house much would be very difficult. Meeting elsewhere would be ok.

I think I’ve felt hurt more and more about the way they were at my lowest and I can’t forgive it. I worry if I allow them into my life too much they will take liberty again to be hurtful and comment I’m not coping etc.

OP posts:
PennyPinkPineapple · 25/06/2022 20:31

I agree with what Dominuse said. If you like the house/area and can afford it and it's a good place to raise a child then proceed with the purchase. Just because you are geographically close to your parents it doesn't mean you have to see them or rely on their support.

My mum was dreadful when I split up with my long term partner a few years ago. I broke up with him because he was badly behaved and made me unhappy and she told me I should just go back to him because I won't do any better and how embarrassed she was going to be when she told her friends I was single. It's better now but some parents are just unsupportive knobs.

Focus on yourself and your baby and take it from there xxx

Calmdown14 · 25/06/2022 20:32

I also think @Likeairirise makes a very valid point.

I'm not saying that your parents don't have flaws, just that you are at a very vulnerable time in your life and much as Mumsnet loves to go no contact, it sounds like they do want to help you but don't have the emotional openess you are craving.

For your partner to have not contacted you, there must be a huge amount of frustration and anger and you should try a get help to deal with this too. It's the lack of answers that would send me round in circles of wanting to talk it out but your parents are not the right audience

Original poster
MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 20:35

@Calmdown14 yes I agree. I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this. I feel like they’re sure I’m a failure already!

OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 25/06/2022 20:36

If you like the house, buy it. Take the support they can give, and look elsewhere for the rest. It always amazes me how many people are completely unable to cope with other people who are having a hard time, and end up being assholes because of it. I am sorry, you deserve so much more from them.

cottagegardenflower · 25/06/2022 20:46

Buy your nice house. If your parents want a relationship with the baby, fine, if not also fine. Don't hold onto anger and resentment. It hurts you more. The real person deserving of this anger is your exP. Accept your parents arent the nicest people ever and make new friends, enjoy your baby, and try to move past all the hurt.

cottagegardenflower · 25/06/2022 20:47

MeetingSpace1 · 25/06/2022 20:35

@Calmdown14 yes I agree. I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this. I feel like they’re sure I’m a failure already!

Fuck what they think. You know youre not and friends will feel the same. most of all your baby will think you are the most wonderful person in the world.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 25/06/2022 21:10

Is it 10 mins away driving or walking?

I wouldn’t consider the 10 mins walk away, not in the circonstances you are describing.

10mins drive… maybe.

MissyCooperismyShero · 25/06/2022 21:52

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2022 19:57

Your parents should be bloody ashamed of themselves thing is though OP you never know what's going on in their lives to some extent- maybe they are unhappy too I wouldn't live near such an unsupportive pair unless you really really want to live in that area

So unsupportive that they offered op a home at a moment's notice and are now buying her a house by the sound of it. Presumably if she had any better offers she would have taken them up. So the parents sound like the only people who have offered any practical help at all and they should be ashamed of themselves??

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