My life is a mess please help me untangle this? What to do now?

[MeetingSpace1]

around 2 months ago my partner of 7 years left me. I was almost half way through my pregnancy. I had an absolute meltdown, tears, off work, not eating. My parents are around an hour from where I live and the day it happened they said to come over which I did. Three days later they were marching round the house saying they couldn’t afford to feed me, how dare I stay in bed all day, they were sick of this impact on their lives etc etc. One eve if I asked if I could eat upstairs as I couldn’t face being at the table. That evening I heard them saying I was behaving like a teenager and they ‘couldn’t cope’ with me. I had literally just sat eating in my room, not asked to chat, not asked for anything. I heard my dad say i was ‘too miserable to be around.’

at the time I just took it as I was in such a low place that I was pretty much numb to any more pain. Obviously it hurt and i did cry about it but it was nothing compared to what else I was going through.

unfortunately around this time I proceeded to go ahead with a house purchase about 10 minutes walk from them. The house is lovely, it’s a nice area generally and not a bad place for me to be. But I feel dreadful being so close to them. The conveyancing is going through and I could technically back out but then I don’t know if I would I find somewhere else to go, I’d have to stay put in my much smaller place and not somewhere I had planned to stay in the long run anyway. The smaller place was a buy to let (my original house before I met ex DP).

I am reflecting on all the things they said and I just know that whilst they are decent people generally, they are very emotionally stunted and toxic and were very much this way when I was a child. I have memories of those first couple of weeks after exdp left with them saying I was making them miserable, they were too old for this (not sure what ‘this’ was), and they were now in a horror movie because I had made their life so depressing with all my problems. I had been upset and cried and wanted to chat about it now and then but I don’t think my feelings or attitude was any different to anyone else who had been left pregnant to be honest.

Intermittently they would say they were trying their best to help (financially they have) but I just feel so hurt by how they were with me. Maybe I am being totally unfair and this is a normal reaction but I didn’t feel safe or loved I just wanted to be very far away from them.

if I don’t pull out of the house next week then it’s going to go ahead. I’m an absolute mess and haven’t heard from exdp since the day we split.

The house sounds lovely.

But I think you really need a bit of professional help to get to a more positive place. It might also be useful for putting in some boundaries with your parents as it seems you feel their disappointment intensely and you need to unpick whether this is because they do have unreasonable expectations or because you've internalised this and are your own worst critic.

Babies are tough but also put everything that has gone before them into a new perspective. You can build a lovely life with your child. You will be there absolute world.

Try not to wrap yourself up in a fantasy of what life could have been with a dad in their life. Because it's clearly not the reality as he's treated you both appallingly. Better to start off on your own terms from the very beginning.

And please don't let any perceived embarrassment of your situation put you off meeting other mums. You may think you have friends but having someone going through the same stage at the same time is invaluable.

People will tell you confidently that their baby rolled at four weeks or was sitting up by 8 weeks. If you already lack confidence this is the type of thing that will stress and worry you because yours isn't.

It's not malicious, it's just that when you are in the middle of it all it's all really important (because it is in those early days) but later it all merges in to one. I've found myself convinced of certain timelines that when I actually work them out are impossible. I spent two years telling people I had my kids at 31 and 37...but there's only four years between them!

This is why I mentioned boundaries (always lots of talk of boundaries here on MN!)
You have a relationship with them on your own terms - meet when you want for only as long as you want, where you want. Don't allow them to take liberties, you stay in control of the situation.
This takes some practice and you need to build up a bit of strength, but it gets easier the more you do it. Counselling would be good for you at this stage.

One of the hardest things about growing into adulthood is realising that your parents are not who you want them to be. They are not perfect parents, sometimes not even good ones. They are just people, flaws and all, so you grow out of the parent-child relationship and hopefully into a new relationship a bit like friendship if you are lucky. But if they are not the sort of people that you would want to have as friends, just accept them for who they are and have boundaries.

So if they make rude or belittling comments you call them out on it, and if they don't apologise you leave. They need to treat you with manners like an adult, as much as you need to start seeing them as people not just parents.

Also, always forgive - long-term resentment is like poisoning yourself.