We were on a break!

[Herewegoagain222]

Could you forgive your ‘ex’ for sleeping with someone else when you were on a break?

Partner and I were together for 10 years, got together at 18. 3 months ago we took some time apart, but have been speaking pretty much every day. Yesterday he told me he slept with someone else last week, but it made him realise that I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with…forgivable or not?

If he thinks it's unforgivable if you sleep with someone, then clearly the same standard applies to him. To me he's saying I can hurt you and you can forgive me, but if you try to hurt me it's over.

Seriously you can do far better.

Is it true that men find the concept of a woman having sex with another man harder to deal with, over a woman finding a man having sex with another woman? That women focus more on the emotional connections and men on the physical?

some bollocks he told me anyway?

Well that's a load of bs too. This was a woman he had a connection with, met when you were both together. This wasn't a random one night stand, so if what he says is true his connection was emotional as well as physical.

Men are not from mars and women are not from Venus- emotional connections, physical connections can happen regardless of gender and can be equally damaging. Recently there has been many posts on here about husbands having emotional affairs- it ruins relationships.

What strikes me is his ability to explain away his actions with little remorse or understanding of how it's impacted you. I don't see how you can ever form a trusting relationship again with him until his attitude takes a 360.

There may be some truth in this to a greater or lesser degree. Its rather shallow and unfair of him to suggest that it would be over if the roles were reversed and you had sex with another man. This is his male pride and ego taking more importance than the relationship itself. Probably easier said than done as we are still somewhat emotionally tied to someone after a break.
He's probably said that as a control aspect because of he knows you could do the same.
Personally I've never been able to just hop in to a shag straight after a relationship has ended. I had an ex that wanted a break and within a couple of weeks slept with someone else. She wanted to resume the relationship afterwards but I was done before that anyway. I think it's equally hard for either partner after one has sex with someone else during a 'break' irrespective of gender.

The things he's telling you now about his beliefs that women and men aren't equal would be the deal breaker for me, but I think breaks are mini break ups. They're an opportunity to consider life without that person. I think if you got that far then the relationship is vulnerable.

He didn't do anything wrong considering you were separated.
He doesn't have to right to tell YOU what you can or can't do, or more importantly, who you can and can't sleep with.
He probably had this in mind when agreeing with, or suggesting a separation .
18 is so young to get together, keep moving forward and perhaps live a little yourself :)

I guess you've figured out all those daily talks were meant to keep track of you while he went and scoped out someone to shag.

His "well I shagged someone else and now i know i want to be with you" really isn't a compliment is it.

The real question is what are your expectations of a relationship for yourself?
Do you want marriage? Children? Something else?

It's true that some men think they own women, while being free themselves.

I'd sauce for the gander this one. I wouldn't actually do it, because I wouldn't be in the right place emotionally. I would tell him I was going to, though. Apart from anything else, it would be an easy way to get him off my back.

What an arse to keep tabs on you, keep engaging you emotionally and keep you on hold, while sleeping with someone else.

He didn't do anything wrong, for a man not planning on getting back together with you. Either he did nothing wrong because it's over, or he did something wrong, so it's over.

What was the original issue you split over, by the way? I think it matters.

If he believes that to be the case, what about the feelings of the woman he slept with? He's willing for her to get emotionally attached?
The fact he said you doing exactly the same would be a deal breaker would be it for me, I'm afraid. What an idiot.

I couldn't deal with the double standard. It would be over for me. The double standard here would extend to other aspects of your life. Walk away now. That beautiful south song is playing in my head.

Only if you steretype and pigeonhole men and women. I don't believe it's true, not even as a vague generalisation.

"It's ok if I shag other people because you'd deal with it, but I can't deal with you shagging other people so you can't do it"?

Bollocks.

Hmmm, I thought as much

Hmm, clearly the two of you aren’t equal in his eyes op. On that basis alone I’d be resigning this relationship to the Over box and moving on….

This is why you need to end it with him. It's not an equal grounds for a relationship if he holds these double standards.

I would tell him that I'd slept with someone else and it's made me realise that splitting was the best thing.

Fuck his manipulative attempts at getting you to do the pick me dance.

I think if you were fully separated and considering your position then he was free to sleep with someone else.

However, in your position I would decide that I was also single - and therefore free to decide whether I wanted to start dating him again - and that I didn't.

I wouldn't feel the need to sleep with someone else in a kind of tit for tat. But I'd probably laugh in his face when he told me it had made him realise he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - and inform him that it had made me realise I definitely DIDN'T.

Bump that noise!
You call it tit-for-tat. I say it's playground rules and now it's Here's turn to swing!

While neither of them laid out guidelines beforehand, he made it pretty clear he was thinking he'd like to get back together. All it took to make him certain was sex with another woman. Presumably one he'd kept in the back of his mind for years. I guess he "got it out of his system."

If that's all it took for him, and he doesn't think it was wrong, then what gives him the right to say that if she does the same thing it's over? It's either wrong for both or okay for both of them. Period.

And his reasoning- that men can't get past the physical part while women are supposed to just get over it? I call BS.

Herewegoagain222 - please think about what you'd say if your sister was in this situatio. Would you tell her he's playing fair? That sleeping with someone else while he was wanting to reconcile with her was okay? That this helped him be sure she was all he would ever want? Because he's said it would all be over if she were to do the same thing, that really means that he loves her too much to handle it? That she should be willing to "get over it" because she's a woman and it doesn't hurt her as much?

Instead, I hope you'd tell her she should value herself too much to just give in. She needs to give herself the same rights as he had, and that just because he's now decided, she doesn't have to do the same. I hope you would tell her that she deserves someone who loves her enough to decide without the need to have sex with someone else. I sincerely hope you'd want her to be with someone like that, someone who knows you don't have sex with other people while talking about reconciliation. I hope you ask her how that demonstrates love, and if she really wants to be with a man that doesn't give her respect and the same rights he feels he is entitled to.

Agree with this. You’re either with somebody or you’re not. And you’re on slippery ground when you start mucking about.

It's not a case of forgiveness. He was clearly 'allowed' to sleep with someone else. I would find it distasteful to go back though. I know myself and it would take up more headspace than I'd want to give it.

Well you had broken up, so unless it was a temp break and you’d agreed not to sleep with other people then there’s no reason he shouldn’t.

I guess I would be wondering why he did it. You were on a break so acceptable. For me 18 is young to get into a long term relationship. I would be wondering if he feels he has missed out on the single life?