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Relationships

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Original poster

We were on a break!

72 replies

Herewegoagain222 · 25/06/2022 15:15

Could you forgive your ‘ex’ for sleeping with someone else when you were on a break?

Partner and I were together for 10 years, got together at 18. 3 months ago we took some time apart, but have been speaking pretty much every day. Yesterday he told me he slept with someone else last week, but it made him realise that I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with…forgivable or not?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 25/06/2022 18:55

Personally I think it depends who it was. The girl at work you were always suspicious of? Problem. A one night stand he met in a nightclub? Non-issue.

WGO · 25/06/2022 19:29

If you were arguing that much - he is never going to be on the same page as you.
Just as well he slept with someone else - hopefully it will force you to move on.

I hope you can see that while you were chatting to him and texting all the time hoping to patch things up his mind was more busy on looking for someone new, wooing them and getting them into bed. It's not that easy for a man to do this it takes some work unless the women is a complete floozy in which case do you want a man who is sleeping with a lady who just offers it up on a plate to all and sundy?

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2022 19:59

My own opinion is that women usually take a break to have some space/think- men often see'taking a break' as basically you have split up , so all bets are off and are on dating sites within weeks- there may be exceptions but my friends have all experienced this .

IncompleteSenten · 25/06/2022 20:01

If you were actually separated then he was free to sleep with whoever he wanted (as were you).

But you don't have to get back into a relationship with him if you don't want to.

FemmeNatal · 25/06/2022 20:03

Herewegoagain222 · 25/06/2022 15:15

Could you forgive your ‘ex’ for sleeping with someone else when you were on a break?

Yes, you were on a break.

daisychain01 · 25/06/2022 20:10

No, on the basis that if he's that able to get his leg over within a couple of weeks, then he's not worth bothering with - sack him off and don't look back.

DontLikeCoffee · 25/06/2022 20:19

if he's that able to get his leg over within a couple of weeks, then he's not worth bothering with

Haven’t they been split up for 3 months?

LadyLolaRuben · 25/06/2022 20:23

You were on a break completely, so you were both free agents to see, date and sleep with whoever you wanted.

However, if he's been able to do that while still talking to you and those talks suggested reconciliation, I'd not get back with him. It suggests he's not committed to a reconciliation as the thought wouldn't have crossed his mind. Also he may have thought it was his last chance of getting his leg over before getting back with you, again that doesn't bode well.

FemmeNatal · 25/06/2022 20:35

daisychain01 · 25/06/2022 20:10

No, on the basis that if he's that able to get his leg over within a couple of weeks, then he's not worth bothering with - sack him off and don't look back.

You prefer men who couldn’t get laid if their life depended on it?

Original poster

Herewegoagain222 · 25/06/2022 20:55

I think my issue is that he asked me pretty much everyday if I’d been out with anyone else, talking to anyone etc. our talks were always around our relationship and he said daily how upset he was, how much he still loves/misses me etc. I don’t think there has been one night where he hasn’t been texting me until early hours, so he must of been texting me when he was with her.

Also he doesn’t drink or go into bars/clubs, so no chance it was just a random one night stand. He has an exceptional job and does associate with some decent people. I know it’s not someone from work as he told me what she does for a living. He also told me he met her years ago, so now I’m thinking he must have contacted her and had the means to contact her, whilst we were together! As a couple we know no one together who does this profession, so I think that’s where my sadness comes into this. I am aware though he hasn’t technically cheated, however if I had of slept with someone else he would absolutely hit the roof!

OP posts:

Pattypatience · 25/06/2022 20:57

Hell no.. it would feel broken for me. I couldn't forget he had been with someone else but that is just me, would feel icky

user1471457751 · 25/06/2022 21:03

It's not that he hasn't technically cheated @Herewegoagain222 he hasn't cheated at all. You were both single. Doesn't mean you have to get back together with him.

cottagegardenflower · 25/06/2022 21:09

You werent on a break, you had split up. Can't blame him, but if he now want to get back with you, my answer would be no. He wasn't that interested in getting back together despite the daily talks.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/06/2022 21:15

girlmom21 · 25/06/2022 18:55

Personally I think it depends who it was. The girl at work you were always suspicious of? Problem. A one night stand he met in a nightclub? Non-issue.

Agree. You could always extend the separation and find someone to shag. See how he feels then

Original poster

Herewegoagain222 · 25/06/2022 21:20

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe is it terrible that I was thinking to do exactly that?! I actually told him that was what I might do and he said there would be no going back if I did!! I then thought about doing it and not telling him, then I’d have even more on him…but my morals won’t let me. More on the other person, I wouldn’t bring them into our tangle of emotions and risk hurting them

OP posts:

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 25/06/2022 21:25

So if you 'shagged' someone then 'there's no going back.?'

But he has???

What does that say to you?

DontLikeCoffee · 25/06/2022 21:36

So was he expecting you to just wait for him in those three months? Double standards, and that’s not ok.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/06/2022 21:37

I do agree with you actually but it does say a lot about him. Was sleeping with other people ever discussed when you separated? Also was this other person a one night stand or with someone he knows?

RewildingAmbridge · 25/06/2022 21:38

I think shagging someone else while you were completely separated and had agreed you were both single might be painful but he's done nothing wrong.
Sleeping with someone just out of spite or revenge to get back at him is the death knell for any relationship. Where does the tit for tat stop?

Neither of you has handled this separation well, texting every day until the early hours isn't part of the deal surely and blurs the boundaries and freedoms you agreed.

You probably need to cut your losses at this point. If you already had something from years ago that made you argue all the time, I don't see this just going away.

CherrySocks · 25/06/2022 21:41

He didn't do anything wrong as you were separated, however he is now in the wrong for saying you couldn't or can't do the same.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/06/2022 21:49

Oblahdeeoblahdoe: You could always extend the separation and find someone to shag. See how he feels then

OP:I actually told him that was what I might do and he said there would be no going back if I did!!

And there it is - the reason to DUMP his sorry arse! Not for shagging someone else, but for being a raging hypocrite. Shagging another woman whilst being a manipulative arse to you -

"I think my issue is that he asked me pretty much everyday if I’d been out with anyone else, talking to anyone etc. our talks were always around our relationship and he said daily how upset he was, how much he still loves/misses me etc."

What a wanker he is!

FemmeNatal · 25/06/2022 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Icedlatteplease · 25/06/2022 21:59

He didn't do anything wrong.

Of course men (and women) shag within a ridiculously short time of relationships ending, for some of us it is just a way of dealing with pain.

Yes it can confirm what it is you really want. In my case the answer was not a relationship. Had a relationship with my ex been a possibility and we were talking every day it would have been to get back together.

Yes theres an element of keeping your options open in case the old relationship really is over.

If this isnt something you can completely put to one side and forget, you really do need to be moving on.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 25/06/2022 22:14

You were split up, he didn't cheat. That doesn't mean you have to accept what happened or feel ok about it. Given he's a hypocrite and wouldn't continue the relationship if you'd done the same would be another nail in the coffin for our relationship. He considers it wrong or cheating therefore he shouldn't have done it himself.

LetitiaLeghorn · 26/06/2022 00:02

CherrySocks · 25/06/2022 21:41

He didn't do anything wrong as you were separated, however he is now in the wrong for saying you couldn't or can't do the same.

He didn't do anything wrong as you were separated, however he is now in the wrong for saying you couldn't or can't do the same.

I don't see it like that. They'd completely split. They were over. He slept with someone and the op is now vacillating over what to do. However, her ex has no doubts in his mind. For him, it would be over and he's upfront about it.

The op can now make whatever choice she wants but she knows the score. It's not her ex's fault that she wasn't equally upfront.

And honestly shagging after a break up because you fancy someone is one thing. But shagging to get revenge on another person is tawdry and I can see why her ex would find that hard to forgive.

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