Can't stop thinking of ex boyfriend even tho I'm engaged..how to stop?

[greengreengrasss]

Hi,pretty much that really.
He has been a ex of 2 1/2 years now.
It was a awful awful break up...it ended very bad.
I'm now engaged to someone else and we have a lovely life but I can't stop thinking of my ex.
This isn't just once in a blue moon..I think about him multiple times a day.
Places we went together..when I go I think of him.
I don't know if I still feelings for him or just wonder what we could have been.

What do I do ?
I dream about him a lot.
The last dream was he text me apologising for what he did and I woke up happy...then I remembered it was a dream.

God I sound nuts don't I
He treated me awful and I'm still pining

Do you think I still have feelings? Is this normal ?

Anyone ?

If you thinking of ex all the time and dreaming of him still why on earth did you get engaged to someone else? No it is not normal. It sounds like you are not over ex still. Don't marry fiance.

Your poor fiancé

random alternative view -i know this is scary but it is completely normal and don't take it too seriously. when engaged normal for the subconscious
to vomit up 'the path/s not taken'. he wasn't right for you and it's not really about him. it's about you didn't get closure WITH him. but the closure is your life itself with your new lovely man. we all
mistake drama and disfunction for passion and then functional relationships feel lesser. it's not true. it is just how anxious attachment fecks with our brains. congrats and have a lovely life. i would talk
this through for a couple of sessions with a therapist or a phone helpline. if at the end of that you have delved down and something is wrong you may have to consider. but it is not about whether you should be with your ex or not.

It sounds as though you are not quite over your ex, or perhaps you just didn't deal with your feelings over the break up at the time.

Have you only recently started thinking about him, or has he been a constant memory in your mind since meeting your new partner?

You need to look at the situation without any else coloured lenses and really think about why you're thinking of your ex and what you feel for your new partner.

It wouldn't be fair on him, or on you to continue the engagement if you're thinking of someone else.

I think it's easy to romanticise what you had with an ex and only remember the good bits.
But I am assuming you're not fully happy in your current relationship if thoughts of your ex are so prominent.

He has been a constant thought
Daily since we broke up
It's never gone away at all

@greengreengrasss I don’t think you are ready to be engaged.

My thoughts too.

How soon after the breakup did you get together with fiancé?
It does sound like you didn't process the breakup, grieve for that relationship (which can often be overlooked if there was a big bust up).
How do you feel about your fiancé? You hardly mention him at all...

Why on earth did you agree to get engaged to your fiancé then? That poor bloke.

WTF? Your poor fiancé! I think it depends on who instigated the breakup. Was it you or him?

You should call things off with your fiancé

I love my fiancé
This is what I can't get my head around
I would be devastated if we broke up
I love everything about him
We laugh,we have so much fun and I love him
I don't understand my brain

Got together 9 months later with fiancé

If your fiancé told you that his ex was a "constant thought", someone he thought about every single day... how would you feel?

Would you feel confident and happy going ahead marrying him?

How long ago did you break up with ex? Clearly you aren't over him.

We broke up jan 2020
Met new boyfriend September 2020
Engaged august 2021

Sounds like this is a rebound relationship and you're craving stability and somewhere to direct your feelings and this poor bloke is where you landed.

I really feel for your fiance and think you're being a bit of a dick, tbh.

I’d try some counselling maybe with relate. I don’t necessarily think that you’ve not got over him but I think maybe you’re processing the relationship in a way someone might be processing a traumatic event, it’s common to have some nightmares and flashbacks etc. I’d try not trying to get rid of those thought but observe them and try and identify what you’re thinking. Eg I wish we were together, I miss him or is it more why this happened, could I have done something differently, why did he do that etc which to me is more about trying to make peace and processing rather than missing him or wanting to be with him.

I would speak to your gp about whether you’d be eligible for trauma-focused CBT.

I miss talking to him.
Miss the excitement I felt when I was with him

OP, if your fiancé told you that his ex was a "constant thought", someone he thought about every single day... how would you feel?

Would you feel confident and happy going ahead marrying him?

@wellhelloitsme obviously I would be concerned and really hurt
I'm unable to control my thoughts

You're confusing bullshit and drama for "excitement." He treated you like shit yet you're pining for him.

You are in no way ready to be in a relationship, nevermind engaged. Your poor fiance. He has no idea that he's being made a fool of within his own relationship. The disservice and disrespect you are inflicting upon him is quite reprehensible.